A Conversation With Usher

Me: Hi Usher, nice to see you.

Usher: Hey boo.

Me: Umm…hey…So anyway, if you’ll have a seat we can get started. Now I hate to bring this up but you’re actually almost a half hour late. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 and its already almost 4:30 so…

Usher: Well you know how it is - so many days, so many hours.

Me: What?

(pause)

Usher: Baby, I’m a love you.

Me:…Usher, are you throwed?

Usher: Yeeaaah! Im so throwed, I don’t know what to do! But to give you part two of my confessions.

Me: Um, you never gave me part one. You just got here remember?

Usher: Baby I been here.

Me: Um, actually no you haven’t.

Usher: It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours since I sat down.

Me: No it hasn’t. Those aren’t even real numbers. How much did you have to drink exactly?

Usher: I am SO throwed!

Me: Yeah we’ve been over that already…Please don’t tell me you drove here.

(silence)

Me: Oh no, you DID drive here didn’t you?

(silence)

Me: Usher, I won’t be mad but just tell me how you got here.

Usher: Well I was ridin' in my whip, racin' to this place…

Me: Wait, hold up. Ridin in your whip? What the hell is your whip?

Usher: My ride.

Me: You can’t just go around making up words like that. Especially when they already exist. Are you an idiot or something?

Usher: My chick on the side said she got one on the way!!!

Me: So that answers that.

Usher: You know that chick on part one I told you I was creepin' with, creepin' with?

Me: No. We already went over this, you never told me part one. And stop repeating yourself.

Usher: Well anyway, she said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it.

Me: What?!? What are you talking about? I thought you were with that chick from TLC.

Usher: I am. But I got this chick on the side that she don’t know about. And now she pregnant. I just done said all that.

Me: This is seriously the first time you’re mentioning this to me. I know nothing about this situation. Who the hell is this girl? Where did you meet her?

Usher: I can’t remember. My boy Andre 3000 maybe do though. Yo, Dre you got the story bout how I met that one chick?

Andre 3000: Oh, that’s ones easy. When you first met your SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday. You’re in the club with your hommies, tryna get a lil V-I, keep it down on the low key, cause you know how it feels. And this fine looking shorty rolls by. I mean, on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty, and that just aint me. All the hommies agreed. The way she moved reminded you of a brown stallion horse with skates on - smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair. So you walked up on her and was almost paralyzed. Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga. Felt like you chiefed a whole O of that Presidential your heart was beating so damn fast. She was checkin up on you, and from the game she was spittin your ear you would think that she knew you. So you decided to chill. But conversation got heavy, and she had you feelin like she's ready to blow. She saying “come get me, come get me”, so you got up and followed her to the floor. She said, “Baby let’s go”. So she’s all up in your head now, got you thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with you, cause she's ready to leave. But you gotta keep it real now, cause you don't know if you take that chance just where is it was gonna lead. But what you did know was that the way she dance made shorty alright with you. I mean, the way she getting low! So you’re like, “yeah, just work that out for me.” And so she asked for one more dance and you’re like yeah. I mean, how the hell you supposed to leave? And that’s how it happened.

Me: Well thank you very much for that story Mr. 3000.

Andre 3000: Aint no thang. (he leaves)

Usher: So you see my problem. Whatma gonna do? What I gotta do now to get my shorty back? Cause ooo ooo ooo ooooh, man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo.

Me: What is this, fuckin Halloween?

Usher: What?

Me: Nevermind. Look what you gotta do is just tell her that you love and that youre sorry, and since you guys are a couple you’ll work through it together.

Usher: But we done been fell apart

Me: Okay look, you really gotta work on your grammar or this just aint happenin.

Nelly: Did I herrr someone sayin Country Grammar up in herrr?

Me: Um, no.

Carlos Santana: Did I hear someone mention the Grammys?

Me: Um, No.

Spencer Grammer: Got any coke?

Me: No.

(pause)

Me: Moving on…The first thing you gotta do is to really be sorry for your actions.

Usher: Howma gonna do that?

Me: Well the Catholics say that to receive forgiveness for your sins you have to undergo a penance, or some type of self-imposed suffering or payment for your actions.

Usher: Aight, how I do that?

Me: Well I could hit you in the face repeatedly until it really starts to burn.

Usher: What?

(I hit him in the face)

Usher: Hey, that hurt!

Me: I know. It’s supposed to. That’s how this works. And even though this might bruise you, if you’re really sorry, then you need to let it burn. Let it burn. You gotta let it burn.

Usher: Okay.

(I hit him in the face again)

Usher: Ooh ooh ooh!

(I keep pummeling him furiously)

Usher: Ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh oooh! Can ya feel me burnin'?

Me: No.

(The pummeling continues)

Usher: Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh…It burns!!!

Me: Okay that’s probably enough. So now you’re forgiven for your actions. What you need to do next is be honest with your girl and seek HER forgiveness.

Usher: How I do that?

Me: Well tell her exactly what happened and what was running through your mind when you found out about it. Like for example, when you got that phone call, what immediately went through your mind?

Usher: Well, I damn near cried.

Me: That’s good, but what was the first thought that came into your mind?

Usher: The first thing that came to mind was glue.

Me: Glue?

Usher: Yeah I enjoy arts and crafts.

Me: Well that’s nice but how bout when you’re talking to her you say instead that, “the first thing that came to mind was YOU” rather than glue. I think that’ll go over better.

Usher: Okay, if you say so.

Me: I do. What did you think about next?

Usher: Well second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did, how I ain't ready for no kid.

Me: Well you can’t dwell on the past, but it does sound like for the most part you got a pretty good handle on it.

Usher: Yeah, but howma gonna tell the woman I love that I’m havin a baby by a woman I barely even know?

Me: Well that’ll be hard, but that’s why you should practice saying out loud what you want to tell her so you’ll get used to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It'll make it much easier when the actual time comes. Lets practice right now in fact. Let me hear what you’ll say to her when you see her.

Usher: I dunno what Ima say.

Me: Yes you do. Just come out and say it.

Usher: But if I tell it then I gotta tell it all. And dat’s hard.

Me: I know its tough, but you gotta do it.

Usher: I cant.

Me: Yes you CAN.

Usher: Man, but right now I just sittin here stuck on supid, tryna figure out when, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth.

Me: Don’t worry about it so much. And what did I tell you about working on your grammar?

Usher: I know, but I said it ain't gon' be easy

Me: True, but you just need to stop thinkin', contemplatin' and be a man and get it over with

Usher: Over with?

Me: Yes.

Usher: Aight…Here goes: “This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. To tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know. I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this and hopefully you'll give me another chance. This ain't about my career. This ain't about my life. It's about us.”

Me: Wait! That’s it!

Usher: What’s it?

Me: What you need to do. This IS about your career! What you need to do is record the story of what a scumbag you are in a song, put a smooth R&B groove to it, and you’ll become a star! See, right now everyone things you’re a non-descript singer who likes to strip during performances at awards shows. But once everyone finds out that you’re actually a cheating, lying, sex-obsessed douche bag then they’ll totally love you. It’s always better to be an awful person than it is to not be worthy of being on the cover of US Weekly. This whole having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous women while you’re in a committed relationship is your ticket to the top kid! Maybe you can even get a Grammy nomination or 5 out of it!!

Usher: Yeeeaah!

Me: And see if you can find someone to hang out who drinks pimp juice out of a gold chalice. Preferably someone short, with gold teeth, outrageous glasses, and a big hat. You’ll look really cool by comparison.

Usher: Yeeeaaaahh!!

Me: And maybe find a really obnoxious weird looking guy to hang out with too.

Usher: That sounds ludicrous.

Me: Indeed it does, but really once people see you in side-by-side comparison with really, really untalented people, there’s No Limit to how popular you’ll become.

Usher: Yeeaaahhh!!

Me: So you know what you gotta do now right?

Usher: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeaah!

Me: Okay settle down.

Usher: Sorry.

Me: So you know what to do when you talk to your boo?

Usher: Sing it to her. And make sure the tape is rolling.

Me: Very good. And what about your new posse?

Usher: Short guy with pimp juice in a chalice and ridiculously untalented southern guy.

Me: Right. And what about your herpes?

Usher: I gotta let ‘em burn.

Me: That’s right, no Valtrex. The pain is part of your penance.

Usher: Yeah!

Me: Alright Usher, you go knock ‘em dead. Or at least show them properly to their seats.

Usher: Will do. And that you for the assistance my white brother. You have helped me greatly. I am now off to do my work. So holla back boo.

(he flies away into the sunset)

The End


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Shrimp
2.) The Office (BBC version)
3.) The Dandy Warhols - "Bohemian Like You"
3 & 1/2.) Amy Adams in Junebug


Thought of the Week:
"To me being 'cool' is the opposite of living. Its about not getting too worked up abot anything...Its such a cliched, jaded posture to take. I get real enthuastic about stuff. Its what I think is life-affirming" - Owen Wilson

(I feel certain that will be the only time in my life I will ever quote Owen Wilson, but the man has great point.)

Any organization that has awarded Milli Vanilli, Toto, Creed, and Jethro Tull can't be all bad...

Ah the Grammys. What is there to say about the Grammys. Well if you scroll down, you’ll see there's a lot. But how much of it youll “get” is likely not very much. Because it seems like no one watches the Grammys anymore. And with good reason. For every Eminem/Elton John “Stan” or Mary J. Blidge “No More Drama” performance there is a random awkward pairing of some old person with some young flash in the pan. And also P. Diddy. Plus there are the awards themselves. Since 1990 we have seen such prestigious nominees for Album of the Year as “Falling Into You” by Celine Dion, “Millennium” by The Backstreet Boys, “The Three Tenors in Concert”, and “Tony Bennett MTV Unplugged”, which of course raises the question: when was Tony Bennett ever plugged in? And for every “Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” or “Speakerboxx/The Love Below” that wins, there is an “O Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack” or “Two Against Nature” victory that makes the Grammys once again lose all credibility. So while I cant say I blame you for not caring about them, I will say you missed some truly great performances by Kanye West, Alicia Keys/Jamie Foxx, and others that I will mention below. You also will not have any idea what I am talking about for the rest of this entry, and that seems to me like much more serious problem.

-Has there every been a year when the nominees for Album of the Year should have been more clear? I mean how could they have possibly chosen anything else other than the following five: SMiLE, Van Leer Rose, The College Dropout, American Idiot and The Diary of Alicia Keys? It should have been like taking candy from a baby. Even the Grammys couldn’t screw that one up. Its almost like the music Gods planned it so that there would be exactly five universally critically praised albums in 2004 and that all of them would fulfill a slot in the Best Album category: Music legend without a Grammy/releasing a comeback album slot, Music legend/country music slot, rap slot, rock slot, R & B/attractive young female slot. It was perfect. TOO perfect apparently. Ironic that in their quest to appear young and hip the Grammys are now actually snubbing deserving old people in favor of undeserving young artists. Perhaps this explains why John Mayer won Record of the Year for “Daughters”.
No wait, NOTHING could explain that…

-I know its two years after the fact for my “Norah Jones, meet Christopher Cross” joke but I enjoyed it so much at the time I’m gonna throw it out there again just for the hell of it.

-After this Ray Charles thing, I’m seriously contemplating at this point releasing an album myself and then faking my own death just to see if I can get a Grammy out of it. If I enter it in some obscure category like Native American Album or Polka I think I might have a legitimate shot.

-Franz Ferdinand was not only allowed within 100 yards of the Grammys but was even allowed to perform? Live on CBS? Wow, Excuse me but I have to put the monkeys back in my ass. They flew out.

-Wow, so having five songs playing all at the same time sounds like crap? Who woulda thought?

-Is there anyone more overrated than Gwen Stefani? Seriously, name someone. I’ll give you a dollar. And who exactly started the myth of her attractiveness?

-Has anyone yet commented on the fact that Maroon 5 managed to sneak the phrase “keep her cumming every night” into a universally accepted hit song without anyone noticing? That, along with the fact that we play “Hey Ya!” every day at The Craft Studio for children’s birthday parties and no one bats an eyelash, just confirms that no one listens to lyrics anymore.

-That J. Lo she’s a crafty one. She knows that by singing in another language I wont understand what she is saying and therefore will have difficulty in mocking her. Nice try J. Lo, but I’m sure I can still come up with something…like…ummm…your singing is…not good. It’s quite poor in fact. So there! That’s right I said it. Whadda you gonna do about it?

-So I must be serious for a moment here. Tell me who else could have pulled off U2’s performance other than U2? A solid white background. No stunts or “special guest performers”. No special effects or pyrotechnics. A long monologue to open the song. A purposefully understated performance. Who else would be allowed to give that performance? Who else would even have the balls to try? And who else could make it the most captivating performance of the night? That is why they are “The World’s Biggest Rock & Roll Band”. End of story.

-I feel like Ellen and Portia De Rossi are the Citizen Kane of celebrity lesbian couples.

-Speaking of Citizen Kane here’s a little SAT flashback for you:
Citizen Kane : movies :: Sweet Home Alabama : things that kick ass
(And no I’m not joking)

Speaking of things that kick ass - Green Day, could you please put my socks back on my feet for me since you just rocked them off? Also, will you have my children?

-I think one of the joys of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert would be that yelling out “Freebird” would not only not be ironic but might actually result in getting to hear “Freebird”. One of the non-joys of the Grammys is that you get to hear “Freebird”, but only the first part. That’s like getting to hear only the first six minutes of "Stairway to Heaven". Whats the point?

-After seeing A Ghost is Born win Alternative Album of the Year I’m reminded of a burning question I have. Has any person alive ever woke up in the morning and thought, “you know what song I really want to hear? ‘Less Than You Think’ by Wilco.”? And congratulations if you are one of the zero people who get that joke. Great now I’ve finally become too esoteric for my own good…And now I’m using the term “esoteric”…My parents would be so ashamed to see what’s become of the journal…

-I just wrote this line as an excuse to use another ellipsis…

-Getting all the “jokes” no one will get out of the way at once: I was thinking…if you’re an epileptic then the Grammys must be your personal hell.
(See, why do I even bother…)

-Is it wrong of me to comment that bald Melissa Etheridge looks like Billy Corgan? Is it also wrong of me to comment that she rocked hard core? Okay, just checking…

-Okay I gotta ask: who decided to let Stevie Wonder announce an award?

-I readily acknowledge that you pretty much have to have grown up with country music to really appreciate it and “get it”, but if some part of you isn’t affected by “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw then you have no heart. It’s what modern country music is all about. Deadly tragedy? Check. Inspirational message? Check. Cheesy guitar solo? Check. So you can make fun of me for liking it but then I get to make fun of you for being the tin man. “Go follow the yellow brick road you man made of tin” might be a possible insult I could use.

-Jack White, how the hell did Loretta Lynn let you leave the house dressed like that? You know, the Strokes wont let you hang out with them anymore if you go out in public looking like that again. And don’t try and tell me you’re being ironic. Even Conway Fucking Twitty would have laughed at that shirt. And yes I just referenced Conway Twitty. And yes I referred to him as Conway “Fucking” Twitty.
I’d really just stop reading now if I were you…

-I wonder where I can download the Academy President’s speech about downloading?

-You know how at the Oscars they have the biggest star available announce Best Picture? Well to announce Album of the Year, the Grammys have Bonnie Raitt and Gary Sinese.

-Mark this day on your calendar. I can’t think of anything bad to say about Usher.

-Since the performances were disappointingly not sucky I now have some extra space to share a non-Grammy related thought. I don’t know if you saw the story the other day, but the rapper Houston gouged his own eye out. Yes, you read that right: HE GOUGED OUT HIS OWN EYE. He tried to commit suicide but the police stopped him and so since he couldn’t kill himself he just decided to gouge his own eye out instead. While I would like to explore the thought process that leads one to decide to gouge out ones own eye, I have other thoughts I will expound on here instead. 1.) You can’t imagine my curiosity and shock as a native Houstonian upon seeing the headline that simply read, “Houston gouges out own eye”. 2.) Guess this makes 50 Cent’s bullet wounds look pretty wussy by comparison. 3.) Houston must now deal with the eternal question faced by those who gouge out their own eyes: eye patch or glass eye. For me personally it would be no contest but you never know; a glass eye might have its benefits. To each eye gouger-outer their own…


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week: Top 3 & 1/2 “Sets of 3 consecutive songs on a classic non-Beatles album” Edition.
(Note this list was made off the top of my head with very little thought or research meaning it likely contains several glaring omissions. Nevertheless, let the debate begin)

1.) Where The Streets Have No Name/I Still Havent Found What Im Looking For/With Or Without You- from “Joshua Tree” by U2
2.) Crazy Love/Caravan/Into The Mystic- from “Moondance” by Van Morrison
3.) Ex-Factor/To Zion/Doo Wop (That Thing)- from “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” by Lauryn Hill
3 & 1/2.) Smells Like Teen Spirit/In Bloom/Come As You Are- from “Nevermind” by Nirvana

Golden Globes '05

So in interest of full disclosure I don’t have all that much of a rooting interest in this year’s round of movie awards. Usually I get very passionate about them but I know that this year its going to ultimately come down to Aviator vs. Million Dollar Baby, two movies I both liked alright, but neither that I care that much about one way or the other. I do have some favorites in the other categories but I’ll get into that more come Oscar time. First up though, is round one: The Golden Globes. It’s almost as fun as the Oscar except for the fact it doesn’t have a host or a montage of dead people. And less non-actors giving awkward speeches. And no short film nominees. Well actually, it doesn’t compare at all. But still, it’s famous people drinking heavily and then getting awards on live TV so it does have its appeal. And to share in the appeal with me this year were Carlyn, and via phone, one Ms. Maddox. And below are my…okay, okay, OUR…thoughts.

- “William Shatner”

- What is that thing on the back of Jamie Foxx’s head? A hideous looking tattoo? Get that thing off before the Oscars my man. And speaking of tattoos, Virginia Madsen, I love you dear, but that little arm tattoo makes you look like a two-bit prostitute. Now that you are a serious Oscar nominated actress you might want to get some laser work done. And yes I just used the pharse "two-bit prostitute".

- So as I was watching Natalie’s acceptance speech I thought, “That is what a Harvard education gets you?” I think I’ve heard more articulate usage of language in the Center for Student Services. Plus, why the heck did she win?!? Has there ever been a less deserving winner? Well okay Madonna did win Best Actress once, but that question was intended to be rhetorical. All I can figure in this case was that the male voters thought maybe if they gave her an award she would have sex with them. And that she would call them daddy. Cause that seems to be her thing. Natalie we all expected better from you…

(PS- Please no one give Natalie the link to this thing. She might break up with me over that last entry…)

-“William Shatner”

-Javier Bardem looks like Harry Conick Jr. if Harry Conick Jr. looked like Tony Danza.

-It has to be said so Ill be the one to say it. Hillary Swank looks like a horse. There I said it. Now I’m going to straight to hell. I don’t even get to pass Go and collect my $200.

-Now that I’m already damned to hell and I’ve got nothing left to lose I might as well say this too: No wonder the Desperate Housewives are so desperate; if I looked like them Id be pretty desperate too. Especially if I was the scary looking one.

-Speaking of Desperate Housewives: Terri Hatcher now has an award! And it’s not even a Blockbuster Entertainment Award! It’s like a valid award! It was gold and everything! Wow, I didn’t even know Radio Shack made trophies like that. The best part about her winning though had to be this line from her speech:
“You wrote me such a great part where I get to be locked out of my house naked”
I think Meryl Streep once said that exact sentence…

-“William Shatner”

- I think I speak for us all when I say: Clint Eastwood has a 16 year old daughter?!?!?

-The Golden Globes were brought to you by Diet Dr. Pepper, which, apparently, “tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper”. This has to be one of the biggest myths currently being perpetrated on the American public. In no way does Diet Dr. Pepper taste anything like regular Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper tastes like a good soft drink. DIET Dr. Pepper tastes like Satan pissed in a cup and then made you drink it. There is a difference between the two.

-It’s awards season so you know what that means: the return of the mysterious unnamed fat guy who always sits next to Renee Zellweger. Seriously, who is that guy?

-My new rules for acceptance speeches: If you win an award for a comedic performance or are known to be a funny person then you have to be funny in your speech. Or at least make the attempt. If not, you have to cry. There are no other options. Under no circumstances shall you read and/or recite a list of names. Also, if you are presenting an award, you must wear an eye patch. This is non-negotiable.

-Someone from one of the Law and Orders won an acting award? Is that allowed?

-“William Shatner”

-While discussing Angelica Huston:
Carlyn: “She has an ugly dress on.”
Me: “She has an ugly face on.”

-More Carlyn:
(While looking at Robert Redford): “He’s melting”

-Even more Carlyn:
“Ian McShane (the scary guy from Deadwood) looks like Al Pacino ate him and then regurgitated him”

-Last one I swear:
Jamie Foxx thanking Taylor Hackford: “He’s my best director”
Carlyn: “Wow, he beat out Keenen Ivory Wayans”

And without further ado…
Top 3 & 1/2 Moments of the Golden Globes-
1a.) Jamie Foxx’s speech: Now THAT is how it’s done. The PERFECT speech. Humorous, genuine, heartfelt, excited, commanding, and even some tears at the end. Absolutely perfect. Now why can’t all acceptance speeches be like that? Come folks, all of you are actors, I know you can do it. Yes, I’m talking about you Annette Bening.
1b.) When Jamie Foxx won and they showed the reaction of every black person in the audience. Even Prince. And he’s not really even black. Speaking of which, remember that time Halle Berry won an Oscar? How the fuck did THAT ever happen?
2.) Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance! I honestly wait all year for it, and she never disappoints. While nothing will ever top last year, this year was great fun too. Seriously, I don’t know if I can express in words how much joy drunken Meryl Streep brings into my life. Too much.
3.) Robin Williams’ speech: They should actually just do a show where Robin Williams just talks for 3 hours straight. No other awards, just Robin Williams talking. Wait, they did? It's called Good Morning Vietnam? It’s called his HBO stand up specials? And his Inside the Actors Studio appearance? Wow, I’ll have to get my hands on those. My only quibble (and its not his fault): in his clip retrospective they mention Patch Adams and Popeye and not Awakenings? WTF mate?
3 & 1/2.) Usher and Lisa Marie Presley: At first when I saw Usher in attendance I thought maybe he was there because they were going to honor his work in She’s All That several years after the fact. Maybe they just now got around to watching the DVD and wanted to give him a special award even though it’s a few years too late. But then he came out on stage with Lisa Marie and I saw sadly that was not the case. No, he was there to make Lisa Marie seem personable and lively by comparison. But then again my Grandma could do that. And she’s dead.


4.) And oh yeah: “William Shatner”