A List of How Selected Jay-Z Song Titles Would Be Different If He Had Spent His Youth Working on a Shrimping Boat

- “Big Shrimpin’”

- “Money, Cash, Shrimp”

- “(Brush That) Shrimp Off Your Shoulder”

- “Can I Get A…Shrimp Cocktail”

- “99 Problems (Several Of Which Relate To The Catching And Selling Of Shrimp, A Bitch Not Being Among Those)”

- That last item might not have been grammatically correct.

- Well look, Jay- Z, I’m sorry I made a potentially grammatically incorrect joke involving one of your songs titles, but its not like you’re perfect. I mean come on, like you’ve never written something that had questionable syntax. How about “Fo shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA”? Not exactly Shakespeare there Mr. Carter.

- Okay so you may be a world famous rapper and record company president and I may just be a guy who has stretched a one joke premise well past its breaking point and is now searching desperately for a way to end it, but still, that gives you no right to talk to me like that. And I may have my faults, but unlike you at least I don’t have to result to name calling and threats of violence. And at least I’m not named after a New York City subway line. And at least my girlfriend doesn’t shop Wal-Mart.

- Yes, I would be okay with taking this outside.

- Okay now that I’ve followed you outside can you explain why you wanted me to do so?

- Ow! You shot me!

- Hey wait, don’t just leave me here! Come back!

- Oh God I’m bleeding profusely. Can someone please help me?

- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL 911!

- (sound of me gasping for air)

- …..

Feast on Scraps

 “The more you talk the less people listen” – Meg White

You know you take acting superstitions a little too far when you refer to McDonalds as “The Scottish Restaurant”

I think I speak for us all when I say “mamma say mamma saw ma ma cu saw”

“After 40 years of devoted service he made the classic mistake. He made a mistake”
- Jon Stewart on Dan Rather

Am I the only one who never realized “Please Please Me” was about sex? All this time I thought is was just about good manners.



“Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe.”
- Hunter S. Thompson

I am convinced Key Foods buys their apples from midget farmers.

“If she keeps putting you on hold, it's time to hang up the phone, pardner.”
- Larry King

Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.
(Note: As soon as I get time to watch season 2 on DVD there will be a full length article about The West Wing. You have my word on it.)

I think this year’s Oscar contenders will be hard pressed to come up with a better movie moment than Hilary Swank getting sucker punched into a coma.

“Computer games don’t affect kids. I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music” – Kristen Wilson - Nintendo Inc, 1989

I wonder how one chooses Central Park clown with good parenting messages as a career?

Entertainment Weekly: “You're a whole lot better looking than most comedians. Is being an attractive woman in this industry a blessing or a curse?”
Sarah Silverman: “It hasn't kept me from playing assholes. Plus I get tons of sex! On a serious note, I'm very, very beautiful.”

I don’t want to Rosh Hashanna. I’d rather take my time.

WOODY ALLEN: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: Yes it is.
WOODY ALLEN: What does it say to you?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: It restates the negativeness of the universe, the hideous lonely emptiness of existence, nothingness, the predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity, like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void, with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless bleak straightjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
WOODY ALLEN: What are you doing Saturday night?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: Committing suicide.
WOODY ALLEN: What about Friday night?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: [leaves silently]

“One night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to Nair my ass” – random conversation overheard on the subway

Me: (Some inappropriate comment about Jesus masturbating)
Caroline McGraw: Andy, I don’t want to hear about that. What happens in Nazareth, stays in Nazareth.

What’s the deal with observational comedy?

“-What do we think about when we’re trying not to think?
-I dunno. Ask America.”

I don’t care about your apathy.

One quote I never understood: “Here’s looking at you kid”
Not only is it grammatically incorrect, but it seems to be kind of stating the obvious. Either that or I just don’t get it.

I would like to just once, leave a numeric page.

“We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.” – Plan 9 From Outer Space

“The only difference between comedy and tragedy is where you choose to stop telling the story”


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) MLB Playoffs
2.) “Now I Can Die in Peace” – Bill Simmons (book)
3.) “The Shining” trailer - http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov
3 & 1/2.) Keyspan Park in Brooklyn

Thought of the Week:
Come see my play The Revelation Circus. Well not so much “my play” but I am in it. For info go to: http://www.revelationcircus.com/ or get tickets for only $10 if you register and order them on www.theatermania.com.

Marymount Musings

And now for something more light and frivolous like you’ve come to expect from yours truly…

(Warning: As if the title didn’t give it away, this entry is not intended for anyone who does not attend Marymount Manhattan College. So if your IQ is over 90 or you like hunting, fishing, or math you should find your reading material from other sources. Perhaps James Joyce.)

As a tour guide I consider myself an expert on all things Marymount, and also much cooler than you. So while we all have thoughts on the place we call school, mine are better than yours. Because I write mine down and post them on the internet…And at Marymount, doing that something like that is considered cool…

(I have come to the realization that I use ellipses far too often. If only there was something else I could use that would have the same effect…)

Most Common Phrases Overheard at Marymount:
1.) “Richard Niles”
2.) “I cant talk right now, I have coke up my nose”
3.) (Usually said by a girl to a straight male) “There are NO straight guys at this school! None. Anywhere. Not One. If only there was just one single straight guy at this whole godforsaken school I would be, like, so all over that. But there’s not. Life sucks. I’m going home to shoot myself now…”
3 & 1/2.) “Wow this Java City coffee is so good. And such friendly service too!”

Best Men’s Bathrooms:
1.) 3rd Floor Main - Convenient yet largely unknown so you always have it to yourself. Plus there’s a water fountain right outside. Plus it’s close to the cafeteria so it makes purging after lunch convenient.
2.) 2nd Floor of the Library - Way out of the way, but the all-stall set up is kinda cool as you can avoid those awkward “I’m standing next to my professor peeing I should say something to them but don’t know what to talk about plus I’m only gonna be here a few seconds” moments.
3.) 5th Floor Main – The large size and privacy of the rooms are nice but the line is always a mile long and the cleaning lady inevitably always has to start cleaning it the moment you start your business, whatever business that might be. Which then raises the question of, since it is cleaned like 20 times a day, how come there are never any paper towels in the dispensers?
3 & 1/2.) 4th floor Nugent- I swear I saw this bathroom in my high school

*So some people might have noticed in past years that we had a fallout shelter in the basement in past years. This summer it magically one day disappeared, or at least the sign did. So my question is, what genius decided that this finally was the appropriate time to get rid of the fallout shelter?

*So luckily Ill be long gone, but when Jason Koth leaves the Student Services Center, we’re all screwed aren’t we?

*I think I speak for everyone when I say, “that 8th floor sure is stylish”.

Top 3 & ½ Things You Can Do That Will Earn You a Nasty Look From Me:
1.) Talk on your cell phone in the library
2.) Use the elevator to travel less than 3 floors
3.) Be a freshman
3 & ½.) Commit genocide

Most Common Shows playing on the TV in the Nuge:
1.) Judge Joe Brown
2.) Judge Judy
3.) Judge Hatchett
3 & ½.) The Parkers

*One time this summer there was a sign up in the basement that said “Nugent this way” with an arrow pointing people the way to the Nugent building. Someone wrote “Ted” above the “Nugent” so the sign for a few days read “Ted Nugent this way”. It was funny. I laughed every time I saw it. I guess you had to be there…

*I like how we claim to be so diverse and yet has anyone seen the new color scheme of the 4th floor of the Nugent? On a related note: they really need to hand out sunglasses when the elevators doors open on that floor. Its just a little overwhelming is all.

Thoughts Had While Listening To The Radio II

*With each passing day it really becomes clearer doesn’t it? Biggie was much better than Tupac.

*People always ridicule pop singers for being artificial, processed, untalented, unauthentic, media creations. These same people probably also like hip-hop. I have yet to ever really hear the irony of this commented on, because although hip-hop is all about “keeping it real” isn’t it really pretty much as processed and artificial as pop these days, only instead of featuring attractive white teenagers singing about love it features African American (black) people rapping about murder, sex, and “bling-bling” (a great term if there ever was one…)? I mean just look at the idea of “bling-bling” for example. Most of the raps are always about what possessions someone has. Last time I checked being completely superficial and surface was why pop music is so “whack”, yet superficiality seems to be what hip-hop these days is all about. And last time I checked almost no rapper plays their own instruments, or plays any instruments period for that matter, nor do they produce their own beats. So if Britney Spears is criticized for not making her own songs or playing her own instruments then why is Ludacris artistically praised when all he does for his songs is make up three verses of rhyming words (not very well might I add)? And you’re telling me rappers these days don’t have images and personas that are as artificial and manufactured as pop stars? When you get down to it the only difference between Ashlee Simpson and 50 Cent, is that he’s been shot nine times and she should be. Sure Jay-Z is actually from “the streets” and Avril Lavigne isn’t from, well, wherever punks are from, but isn’t it all marketing anyway? This of course isn’t to say there’s not some truly great hip-hop because of course there is, but its all just something to think about I guess.

*If radio stations just played commercials for as many minutes as they spent telling us about how they are “commercial free” I think we’d all be better off.

*So apparently the new thing for “alternative rock” bands to do is record cheesy ballads that decidedly do not rock. I’m guessing these bands saw the success of “The Reason” by Hoobastank and thought, “hey we can do that”. While they were indeed correct, because of course who wouldn’t be able to write a song as “good” as "The Reason", the thought they should have really had was “do we want to do that?”. I think, as a general rule in life, anything inspired by a band named Hoobastank is a bad idea. I mean Hoobastank? Really? Lets look at that name for a second fellas. We’ve got “Hooba” as in, well, nothing, and “stank” as in, a really stupid word. So there you have it folks. “Nothingareallystupidword”: the face of faceless rock in the year 2004.

*As “Lil’ Flip” approaches middle age will he become just plain “Flip”?

*Is there anything more fun in the world then providing running commentary to go along with the song “Leave (Get Out)” by JoJo? (Well besides listening to that voice that shouts out random words in the background that is). Of course the key to this game is to remember that JoJo is 13. Yes, 13. Knowing this information provides one with a wealth of material to use in this activity. For example: If she is telling him to “get out” does that mean they were alone at her house together without adult supervision? And how is he going to “leave” exactly? Ride his bike? Call his mom to come pick him up? When she says “you promised me forever” was that maybe in retrospect a bit shortsighted on his part? And when she says “boy, I gave up everything I had” what exactly does this entail? 12 dollars, some shoes, and several outfits from Express? The possibilities for commentary are truly endless. Gather your friends around and play along. I’m telling you, you can’t beat it for sheer entertainment value.

*Speaking of asking questions, is there a better five seconds or so on the radio right now than when Jadakiss asks “why did Bush knock down the towers” and “why (Kobe) kiss that whore”? Every time I hear it I always think, “oh no he just didn’t”. But then I realize that “oh yes he just did”. And that I’m white.

*Finally, just in case you missed the memo, because I know I did, Brandy is now “cool” and “urban” and “possessing a personality”. So I guess that finally settles once and for all the great debate of the late 90’s. The boy was hers.