The Show That Sent Me Into Therapy

The Oscars. The Big Show. The Jewish Christmas. The Gay Super Bowl. The One Night a Year E! is Relevant. The Academy Awards are many things. But are they something that people still care about almost a week after the fact? Well we’re about to find out. Because as with any great tragedy its taken me about a week to be able to talk about them without breaking down emotionally. But I would hate for some half-baked, mediocre, and now outdated jokes to go to waste. So without further adieu, I give you my Oscar recap:

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* To paraphrase something my roommate Dave said, I’m glad they did Supporting Actor first so we can relax the rest of night without having to worry that we might see any film clips of William Hurt.

* Martin McDonough has an Oscar now! Take that David Mamet!

(Actually they might be friends for all I know. Still, wouldn’t a playwright feud be awesome? It would be the exact opposite of a rapper feud.)

* It might just be me, but I feel like Dolly Parton might have had some work done at some point.

* Are Tom Cruise’s home movies eligible for Best Documentary Short Subject?

* Remember how the technical nominees last year had to receive their awards from the audience? Notice how no one mentioned the fact that they went back to the old way this year? Interesting how it was like last year never happened wasn’t it? Wouldn’t those last three sentences have worked much better as statements rather than questions?

* With Jack Nicholson it’s hard to know whether the girl sitting next to him is his daughter or his date. I think it’s about 50/50 odds either way.

* The Wallace and Grommit guys would make great final round subjects on the inevitable future game show version of the popular guessing game “Gay or European?”

* New product alert: Tab Pink Energy Drink for Women! Their slogan is “The fuel to feel fabulous”. I don't even know what to say about this. I’m literally speechless. But if I could speak, I think the first thing I would say is “thank you God for the greatest product in the history of the world”. This is gonna make the wheel look Blue Raspbery Pepsi.

* I think if you’re a straight male the only way winning an Oscar would hurt your sex life is if the Oscar you won was for Best Makeup.

* Oscar Voiceover Announcer Guy: “When we come back Will Farrell Steve Carell will take the stage”
   Me: Where will they take it to?

(By the way announcer guy, nice job of seconds after she won announcing that, “Rachel Weisz has also been seen in The Mummy and The Mummy 2”. Way to knock her down about 10 levels during the biggest moment of her life.)

* Hey, it’s Russell Crowe! Who let him near the Oscars?

(By the way, has anyone made the joke yet that it’s a good thing for that hotel concierge’s sake that Russell was only trying to call his wife and not email her? Just checking.)

* A quick word about Jon Stewart: I thought he did about as well as The Academy will ever allow anyone to do. I know his writers were told they couldn’t do a lot of the jokes they wanted because they wouldn’t fly with a mainstream middle-America audience and that’s a shame, but I understand. Taking that into account, and also keeping in mind that as a first time host he was on a very short leash, I thought he did a great job. Usually after the monologue is over you never think about the host the rest of the night, but I thought his constant jokes during the show were what kept people watching and entertained. Every time the camera panned to Jon you knew you were going to laugh. My only complaint is that they didn’t let him do enough. His monologue was too short and they really underutilized him. Much like Ellen at the Emmys. But some of the “ad-lib” jokes and the gay cowboy montage were classic Jon Stewart. And nothing beats that. Not even Billy Crystal.

* I know there was a lot of suspense over whether or not Crash would upset Brokeback for Best Picture, but I think that the most suspense and tension filled moment of the evening was the last thirty seconds of Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech. Because as the clock was winding down towards the speech’s evitable end the entire nation sat in rapt attention wanting to know the answer to the question we’d wondered about for months: would she forget to thank Ryan Phillippe? About half the speech had gone by and she still hadn’t done it yet. The cameraman then fixed the picture straight on Ryan and the tension was becoming almost unbearable. What would Ryan do if she forgot? Would he pull a gun out of his pocket and shoot himself in the face on live TV? Would he curl up into the fetal position and start bawling hysterically? Would the resultant therapy bills bankrupt their family? But alas, she finally did mention her husband, and so unfortunately Ryan Phillippe would live to see another day. Nevertheless it was the highlight of the night.

(Although on two related notes: I don’t think it’s ever a good sign if your wife seems more enthusiastic about thanking a guy named T-Bone than she is about thanking you. And also – have you ever seen a worse job of pretending to be excited than when Reese Witherspoon came into the pressroom and announced how excited she was that her husband’s movie had just won Best Picture? And keep in mind this was coming from a person who had just won an award called “Best Actress”. I think Keanu Reeves could have done a better job of acting excited than that. And he’s a cyborg!)

* After watching the In Memorandum montage I realized not only was this a bad year for movies it was also a bad year for death. When Richard Pryor gets the last spot in the montage you know it was really not a good year for death.

* I have a confession to make. When she came on stage to present Best Actor I actually thought for a brief moment “Wow, Hillary Swank is kind of hot.” And then the Earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. It was very traumatizing and I’d prefer not to talk about it. Actually, can we just pretend we never had this conversation?

* I made a joke last year about how I should have Morgan Freeman narrate my home movies just to see if that could get them to win an Oscar…Well ladies and gentlemen, I present to you March of the Penguins.

*Yes! King Kong won for sound mixing! Thank god! Cuz, let me tell you something - the sound in the movie was mixed like a fucking yogurt parfait.
(I don’t even know what that means. But I DO know that the guy who invented analogies is rolling over in his grave. As is the guy who invented irony. And humor.)

* I’m glad they included genocide on the list of controversial issues that movies have taken on because I know that before movies were made about genocide most people were very pro-genocide. But Schindler’s List was really able to change a lot of minds.

* I just saw an ad for a new reality show where they’re going to find America’s “Next Great Inventor”. All I know is, whoever wins that show is gonna have to wrestle that title away from the person who invented Pib Energy Drink for Women

* When the Academy President was making his speech about the importance of seeing movies on the big screen and he said, “No actor has ever finished a take and thought, ‘that’ll look good on DVD’” he clearly was forgetting about Pauley Shore.

* While listening to Brokeback composer Gustavo Santaolalla’s acceptance speech I realized that almost no one involved with Brokeback can properly articulate the English language – Gustavo, Ang Lee, Heath Ledger…the list goes on and on.

* Top 3 & 1/2 Moments:
1.) Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin’s Altman tribute (the fact that Jennifer Aniston didn’t get it tells you all you need to know about why Jennifer Aniston will never win an Oscar or even have a viable film career for that matter.)
2.) George Clooney’s Speech
3.) Three 6 Mafia’s speech
3 & 1/2.) All of Jon Stewart’s jokes throughout the night but especially “Please welcome Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson – two talented brothers; which is also a good way to describe the Baldwin family.” (By far the best joke of the night)

* Not that it wasn’t a great moment, but it’s interesting that such a big deal was made about “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. People like Ludacris kept saying it was a huge break thru for hip-hop. Did everyone forget that a rap song had won Best Song previously? Eminem won for “Lose Yourself” just two years ago yet somehow no one seemed to acknowledge this fact. It’s as though “Lose Yourself” wasn’t valid hip-hop, although I would say that not even showing up for the Oscars is way more “hip-hop” than changing the words to your song so they’ll be acceptable for children and then thanking Gilbert Cates and George Clooney in your acceptance speech. Nothing against Three 6 Mafia, but when people say that their win was a breakthrough for hip-hop, it seems that what they are REALY saying is that it was a breakthrough for BLACK hip-hop and validation for a large segment of the BLACK community. That’s why Eminem doesn’t count. And yet I have heard absolutely no one mention this angle. See boys and girls, this is how race and race relations work in the real world. Which leads into my last item…

* Okay, so I don’t want to go over it again, but as you might be able to tell, I’m still furious that Crash won Best Picture. Actually as more time has passed I’ve become more upset about it winning Best Original Screenplay than about it wining Best Picture. I seriously think you could do the script without changing a single word as a comedy. Just like with Chekhov! I was rereading my Oscar review from last year and was reminded how livid I was about Beyonce singing all the songs. Well multiply that by 10 and that’s how upset I STILL am about this Crash thing. I seriously need to find a good therapist. Since I don’t know what else to say about it I’ll leave you with this:
(I wrote this down about halfway through the telecast before Crash had won a single award yet.)
“The Academy members DO realize that they nominated a movie that features Ludacris, Brendan Fraser AND Tony Danza for Best Picture right?”
I think that says all you need to know.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Darkness – “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (album)
2.) Newman’s Own Ginger O’s Cookies
3.) Astoria
3 & 1/2.) Dave Chappelle’s Block Party

Thought of the Week:
Well its not so much a thought as it is a brain teaser, but someone asked me this at work and trying to figure it out kept me mentally entertained for a good five minutes, which breaks the “longest period of time I’ve been entertained at work” record by a good 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Anyway, here it:
Name the four U.S. Presidents whose last names end with the letter E.
(hint: you gotta know your obscure presidents)

Crash Into Paul Haggis's Face With A Hammer

Crash just fucking won Best Picture. All night Ive been sitting here writing some good jokes and comments for your amusement, but you know what, I really don’t feel like typing them up now because who the hell cares - Crash just won Best Picture. This is like the time Two Against Nature beat Marshall Matters LP for Album of the Year only 800 billion times worse. In fact I think the term infinity was created to describe how much worse this is than that. Forever and ever until the end of time Crash will be listed as the best picture of 2005. How?!? Really, how is this possible?!? I know back in the 50s there were some pretty bad Best Picture winners but really, nothing can possibly be worse than Crash. Its ridiculous, clichéd, insulting, and has absolutely no redeeming qualities. My roommate Dave and I really want someone who thought Crash was a good movie to explain why they thought so. We’re serious with that. I’m not being sarcastic and I'm not just wanting someone to tell me so that I can argue with them, but I really truly do want to understand how and/or why people think it was a good movie. So if you thought it was good, please contact me somehow and explain why. I am completely and genuinely 100% curious to understand why someone would think Crash was award worthy and will be very grateful to anyone who could help shine light on this subject. But now I’m off to go get drunk at 12:30 on a Sunday night. Never before has an awards show driven me to drink, but this one has. I’ve waited all year and devoted so much energy into the Academy Awards just to see absolute garbage like Crash win Best Picture. I thought when I heard Jack Nicholson announce Crash as the winner he was going to say “just kidding”. I was in shock, and I’m still in shock. I’m also already drinking heavily. I think Dave and I are going to go buy a copy of Crash on DVD and smash it with a hammer just to vent our frustration. I wish I had at some point won an Oscar so I could return it to the Academy in protest. I’m very upset. Okay I’m going to go to bed and maybe when I wake up this will have never happened. Good night, and I hope Paul Haggis dies in fiery plane crash.

Oscar Preview '06

With only 24 hours left before the Oscars I guess its about time I gave my own personal Oscar preview/predictions. As always, pretend like you care…

Best Picture:
If I ever get around to typing up my Top 3 & 1/2 of 2005 Awards Entry then you would know that I think Munich was the best movie of 2005. Although if you think Brokeback or Capote or King Kong or Walk the Line or Squid and the Whale or Cinderella Man or Good Night and Good Luck was better then I'd be willing to listen to your argument. (If you thought anything other than those movies was better than Munich though, then you are wrong.) Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I think Munich should win Best Picture, but if you disagree I can probably see your point. Unfortunately due to the most bungled PR campaign in the history of bungled PR campaigns there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell of Munich actually winning Best Picture. How exactly one is able to take a picture that months before its release was already being basically given the Oscar and somehow turn it into a movie that was lucky to even get four nominations is beyond me. Maybe it was the fact they didn’t send out screeners to Golden Globe voters. Maybe it was the fact Steven Spielberg and the stars did exactly one interview leading up to the film’s release. Perhaps it’s that it came out so late in the game and rolled out so gradually that it got lost in the shuffle. Perhaps it was the fact they showed the trailer and bought TV ads a likely combined total of 12 times. Whatever it was, they completely bungled what should have been a gimme Oscar victory. Where is Harvey Weinstein when you need him? Any man who can get a Best Picture nomination for Chocolat could have gotten Munich 10 Oscar WINS. Instead its PR people went with the Million Dollar Baby approach, forgetting the fact that when you’re the front runner you cant pull the "underdog that comes out of nowhere" approach. Anyway, it’s a real shame because in the so-called Year of the Message Movie, no movie delivered a more important or relevant message in as compelling a way as Munich. Based on real life events and using a thoughtful, brilliant, and stunningly literate screenplay and great acting, set against a tension filled, epic backdrop of international intrigue and personal emotional trauma, Munich preached that violence, even as revenge, only leads to more violence and ultimately solves nothing. Is there anything that could be more Oscar worthy or relevant for our times then that? (Well outside of a movie about shooting an old guy in the face during a hunting trip of course.) And that’s my problem with Brokeback winning. While at the moment Brokeback seems very groundbreaking and controversial, ten years from now it’s going to seem very tame and almost puritanical. Like In the Heat of Night or Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner it may capture the liberal zeitgeist of the times but once that zeitgeist has past and the context of its win has long been forgotten, it's going to age incredibly poorly. Munich on the other hand, is timeless. Because while gay rights is the cause du jour of the moment, the issue of violence as revenge for violence is, and always will be, more relevant to our own individual lives and the life of our nation and our world (especially right now), despite what conservatives may try to have you believe. Plus I doubt Brokeback is going to change anyone’s mind when it comes to their feelings on homosexuality, but Munich will make any viewer think deeper about the implications of revenge and violence, as well as the implications of the existence of the state of Israel, which is ultimately what this whole terrorism thing is all about anyway. Not only is the movie specifically designed to do just that, but I can testify from first hand experience that it succeeds. So to make a long story short - as good as Brokeback may be, Munich trumps it because its subject matter is more “important”. After all, love can only be experienced in an individual personal way, but war and nationalism and the intersection of the two can be experienced in a collective shared way. And isn’t that why we go to the movie theater, cram ourselves in with a bunch of strangers, and stare up at the screen together in the dark in the first place – the hope of a shared communal emotional experience? Isn’t creating that experience the goal of the best art? I would say it is.
But if you disagree…I see your point.

Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich

(As side note, ultimately I really don’t care what wins as long as it isn’t Crash. If Crash wins I may seriously consider my long threatened boycott of all things Oscar. Crash would easily be the worst Best Picture winner ever. EASILY. Crash is a joke. If Crash wins I will hurl things at the TV. If Crash wins I will definitely contemplate using violence as a means of revenge. If Crash wins I would so completely NOT understand. I would be confused. I would be enraged. It would be just like dealing with someone from a racial group other than my own...)

Best Actor:
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is my favorite actor. He is the best actor alive. You should bow down before him and worship his presence. You are unworthy to share this planet with him and his awesome acting powers. Daniel Day Lewis is good and all, and Dustin Hoffman has had his days, and Russell Crowe deserves his props, but Phillip Seymour Hoffman can take on all challengers and he will destroy them all! What’s that blade through your heart Edward Norton? Is that the Hoff Man’s blade of Three Minute Pause Between Two Lines In 25th Hour? What’s that Robert DeNiro? Is that the sound of your skull being crushed by Phillip’s scene stealing prowess in Flawless? Hey Sean Penn, was that Phil’s ability to completely disappear into a character that just detached your head from your body? What’s that Al Pacino? You’re fucking insane? Yes, as Phillip Seymour Hoffman cruises to his first Oscar victory he leaves a trail of mauled and bloody contenders for the title of Best Actor Alive in his wake. But soon he will be able to claim his throne because at last he will have his Oscar. And when he wins it will bring much joy to my life. And it will bring much joy to the world. Children will sing, puppies will dance, angels will get their wings. The heavens will open, and light will pour down upon the Earth, and God will speak. And he will say:

“Id like to thank...”

And thank he will.

Just you wait.

Will Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Should Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Best Actress:
There’s a fine line between giving an actress a Julia Roberts Oscar because they’re hot and a big star and they give an immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie in a year which was somehow arbitrarily declared “their year”, and giving a hot bankable actress an Oscar because their immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie was actually the best performance of the year. This year Reese Witherspoon walks that line. (Editors note: pun intended) On the one hand Reese doesn’t exactly have any scenes or moments in Walk the Line that cry out “Oscar worthy!” And I wouldn’t know June Carter Cash if I fell on her, so I have no idea how accurate a job Reese does of portraying her. And maybe Felicity Huffman technically does give a better and braver performance than Reese. But on the other hand, Reese gives the most memorable and indelible performance of the year and is the best part of one of the year’s best movies. And her name wouldn’t lookout of place on a list of Oscar winners. And she’s a hot young major star. And it’s her year. And unlike Julia Roberts she’s already won nearly every acting award in sight leading up to the Oscars. And Felicity Huffman’s performance isn’t THAT much better than hers. And absolutely no one has seen TransAmerica. And most of all, Reese deserves SOMETHING for staying married to Ryan Phillippe for so long. So here you go Reese - here’s your Oscar. You’ve earned it.

Will Win: Reese Witherspoon
Should Win: Reese Witherspoon

Best Director:
I really don’t care about this category this year. On the one hand, Steven Spielberg’s achievement in Munich is remarkable; especially considering it’s coming from him. In its own way it’s an even more shocking, bleak, and mature departure for him than Schindler’s List was. But on the other hand he already has two Oscars and is already the most respected and popular filmmaker of all time. On the other hand, Ang Lee, might not have made the year’s BEST picture, but how can you not have love for a guy who was raised in Asia and yet somehow was the force behind The Ice Storm, Sense and Sensibility, and now Brokeback Mountain. Throw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Hulk in that mix and has there ever been anyone in the history of film with a more diverse and harder to pin down oeuvre? And yes I really just wanted an excuse to use the word “oeuvre”. I feel like that should be the name of an exotic fruit.

Will Win: Ang Lee
Should Win: Steven Spielberg

Best Supporting Actor:
They should really just cancel this category this year. Looking back over Oscar history I think this might be the weakest group of nominees in this category ever. This year is like the anti-1994. I’ve been over this before but only Paul Giamatti even deserves to be NOMINATED and even his performance doesn’t exactly scream out “Oscar”. So really does anyone deserve to WIN? Matt Dillon cant win because is there anything more laughable sounding than the phrase “Academy Award Winner Matt Dillon”? (Actually, you don’t have to answer that…). Jake Gyllenhaal can’t win because he’s Jake Gyllenhaal, and because he once dated Kristen Dunst, and because, well, have you SEEN him in Proof? Anyone who can be that bad cant win an Oscar the same year. It’s a rule. George Clooney cant win because all he did was gain weight and then get tied to a chair and beaten. I wouldn’t exactly call that an Oscar winning performance as much as I would call it “last Tuesday”. And William Hurt can’t win because he is the worst actor in the history of the world and he was in the worst movie to get an Oscar nomination in my lifetime. So that only leaves Paul Giamatti. I like Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti is a great and well-respected actor whose name wouldn’t seem out of place on a list of Academy Award winners. Plus he got totally screwed last year when he hasn’t even nominated for Sideways. And he’s the loan representative of a movie that got totally screwed this year – Cinderella Man. And oh yeah, his performance is actually really good and endearing too. So Paul Giamatti deserves to win. Which is good because he probably will. Although part of me still fears George Clooney might, in which case I will have to go strap him to another chair and apply another beating to him. Or maybe Ill have your mom do it instead. She’s much better at it than I am.

Will Win: Paul Giamatti
Should Win: Paul Giamatti

Best Supporting Actress:
This is just an all around bad year for supporting performances. While this category is slightly better than its male counterpart, it’s still far from stellar. But I guess considering some of the nominees that usually inhabit this category this year’s lot ain’t too bad in the grand scheme of things. But Frances McDormand was clearly just mugging for an Oscar, Catherine Keener was way too subtle to actually win an Oscar (although I personally LOVED her performance), and Michelle Williams was once on Dawson’s Creek. Plus Joshua Jackson was way better than her on that show anyway. Not that I ever watched the first three seasons or anything. Still though, I wouldn’t be shocked to see her win here. Which would be a crime, because we all know who gave the best female performance, lead or supporting, in any movie this year (and by “we all” I mean “the 5 people who actually saw Junebug”). And that person is Amy Adams. She single handedly made her movie great, which is ridiculously hard to do when your movie also stars Benjamin McKenzie. But in the time it took for the movie to play she went from unknown to “Ill go see the next movie she’s in regardless of what is it” status. Alas though, she probably won’t win either. Because Rachel Weisz will win. And while Rachel Weisz was fine and all, she wasn’t really that memorable. When I walked out of Junebug (having heard absolutely nothing about it going into it) my first thought was “call off the Oscars and give Amy Adams her award now”. Whereas when I walked out of The Constant Gardener my first and only thought was “Ralph Fiennes actually only gardened intermittently.”

Will Win: Rachel Weisz
Should Win: Amy Adams

Best Adapted Screenplay:
This is gonna be like the year The Pianist won a screenplay award even though there was like less than 30 minutes of dialogue in the whole movie. How great can a screenplay be when Heath Ledger can’t even be bothered to properly articulate 50% of it? And am I wrong here or wasn’t the movie more about the things that went unsaid more than the things that WERE said? Plus it’s sharing a category with Munich, which was all about the screenplay. It was filled with dialogue, maybe even too much. At times the movie WAS the screenplay (if that makes any sense at all). It was also written by Tony Kushner who is one of the greatest writers alive and should always be given any award he is ever nominated for just by default. And his screenplay for Munich was so good and so unlike any other screenplay this or any year that it almost seemed out of place on a movie screen. It was intelligent and shockingly literate and way too good for a movie-going public that supports two Paul Walker movies being in the box office top 10 at the same time (which I think if I’m not mistaken is one of the signs of the apocalypse specifically mentioned in Revelations). I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard such an intelligently articulated discourse on big ideas at a movie theater. So of course its gonna lose to fucking cowboys. And I mean that literally.

(And while we’re talking about Brokeback, why is it seemingly totally okay to be making so many jokes about Brokeback? Why is this okay with the gay community? This would be like if Barbershop 2 was up for Best Picture and mainstream pop culture became permeated with jokes about black people who hang out in barbershops. Would this be at all okay? Wouldn’t the black community be outraged by jokes based on stereotypes of black people who hang out in barbershops? And can a movie really be socially groundbreaking at the same time it’s a national punch line? Maybe Brokeback is proving that it can be, but does no one else find it interesting that everyone seems to have absolutely no problem with all the jokes about it? Does the movie's success mean we’ve come a long way, or does the universal acceptance of jokes about it mean we haven’t come anywhere at all? And why is no one writing about this subject? And can't I ever write a sentence that doesn’t have a question mark at the end?)

Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich

Best Original Screenplay:
I actually managed to obtain a copy of the entire Crash screenplay and I thought posting it here might help shine some light on this category.

“Crash: A Searing Portrait of Racism In America As Only Two Rich White Liberals From L.A. Could Tell It”
By Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco

Scene opens on a white woman in her car. She is white.

White Woman: I am a white woman. I live in Los Angeles, a place that is very representative of all of America. I feel so alone and isolated. In order to feel connection to people I need to literally crash into them.

(She crashes her car into the car in front of her. A Chinaman gets out.)

Chinaman: Ching chang walla walla bing bang!

White woman: Wow, I feel so connected to you now. I love people.

Chinaman: My blake lights! You boke my blake lights!

White woman: Shut up you slanty eyed chink face.

Ryan Phillippe: Hey that’s racist! I’m offended by your racist behavior. And because of that fact, you would never in any way possibly even remotely suspect that I’m secretly scared of black people. In fact if I was to randomly shoot a black guy for no reason, it would completely shock and stun you because you would never in a million years have been able to predict that that might happen.

White woman: What he hell are you talking about?

Ryan Phillippe: Racism, stupid. That’s all everyone EVER talks about. 24 hours a day we all just sit around talking about and thinking about racism. We have no thoughts or personality attributes or actions that don’t directly involve racism. You of all people should realize that – you’re white.

Sandra Bullock: Hi I’m Sandra Bullock.

All: What the hell are you doing here?

Sandra Bullock: How the fuck should I know? All I know is that I really hate Mexicans.

Ryan Phillippe: Wow, that’s really subtle.

Sandra Bullock: If you think that’s subtle you should see A History of Violence!

(They all laugh.)

Ludacris: Are you all laughing at my acting?

All: AHHH! A BLACK PERSON! Who the hell are you?!?

Ludacris: I’m Ludacris.

White Woman: So is this movie.

(They all laugh.)

The End.

Will Win: Trash (aka Crash)
Should Win: The Squid and the Whale


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Bob Dylan – “Freewheelin Bob Dylan” (album) (duh)
2.) Dave Chapelle
3.) “George Bush Doesn’t Like People” - The Legendary K.O.
3 & 1/2.) New Dutchwest article: http://dutchwestoven.blogspot.com/2006/02/andy-stokan-thank-you-dakota-fanning.html

Thought of the Week:
“If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don’t care for you as a person.” – Peter Griffin

Perhaps If You Handed Kanye Some Gold He Wouldnt Be Concerned About People Digging For It

Ah the Grammys - the one major award no one actually cares about besides me and Kanye West. And I feel like the only reason Kanye cares is because somehow he missed the memo that the Grammys aren’t a valid award and that white people could care less about them. Nevertheless I love (repeat: LOVE) to see someone like Kayne who cares so openly and abashedly about winning awards. So I wouldn’t dare miss my chance to root Kanye to victory and hopefully see some good performances along the way. And even though you didn’t watch the telecast and could care less about the whole thing, I’ve decided to share with you my thoughts I had while I watched it. Enjoy.

* If I had to use band name to describe the conditions in my apartment right now, I would definitely go with Hot Hot Heat.

* I wouldn’t so much call the Madonna/Gorillaz “collaboration” a collaboration, as much as I would call it The Gorillaz performing and then once they were finished performing, Madonna performing.

* Remember the band called Live? What would you say if you saw them live? “I saw Live live”? And wouldn’t “Live Live” be a great name for their live album? And if someone held a benefit concert to help raise money for them would it be called “Live Aid”? Just some things to think about.

* Good to see Tom Hanks out doing some early PR for his upcoming movie. The Da Vinci Code I believe it's called. With a weird title like that I think its gonna need all the publicity it can get.

* If I was black I think my dream girl would be Alicia Keys.

* If I was 12 I think my dream girl would be Kelly Clarkson. Then again when I was actually 12 my dream girl was Christina Ricci in Casper so who knows.

* Kelly Clarkson is singing a song other than “Since U Been Gone”? She HAS other songs besides “Since U Been Gone”? I don’t know how I feel about this. I do know how I would feel however if I was an American Idol winner who beat Paul McCartney for Best Pop Album. I wouldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t even consider accepting it. Also when I was thanking my competition I wouldn’t mention Sheryl Crow and Bonnie Raitt and yet NOT mention Paul McCartney who I should feel unworthy to even be in the same room as. But then again I’m not the voice behind “Since U Been Gone” so what do I know?

* No more comments about Kelly Clarkson I swear.

* Kelly Clarkson.

* Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

* Coldplay always seems a little off and awkward live. Kind of like Chris Martin’s new fro’.

* I get the impression that Ciara might be a woman of loose moral principles. Plus is the phrase “a poor man’s Beyonce” ever a good description to be able to use about someone?

* Has there ever been a less shocking revelation than Fantasia admitting she’s illiterate? That’s on par with Liberace admitting he’s gay.

* I really don’t think enough people were involved in the Sly Stone tribute. I was waiting for the kitchen sink to come out and do a song.

* I hate to rush to judgments on people, but I get the impression from his appearance and demeanor that Sly Stone might have engaged in a little recreational drug use in his youth. And by “his youth” I also mean “5 minutes before coming on stage”.

* While watching the Grammys it’s interesting to think about the fact that 50 Cent is sitting there listening to Bruce Springsteen. Or that Billie Joe Armstrong is sitting there listening to Faith Hill. Or that I’m sitting there listening to Sugarland.

* How was Kayne not nominated for Producer of the Year? He WAS the producer of the year. And yet somehow he wasn’t even NOMINATED? How is there not more outrage about this? Oh yeah, that’s right, no one else cares about the Grammys.

* Herbie Hancock and Christina Aguilerra together at last! Finally, the collaboration America has been clamoring for has happened! Speaking of late 90’s pop stars, I think its time for my annual ridiculous early Grammy prediction for next year. And it is this – Justin Timberlake’s new album will be nominated for Album of the Year. And keep in mind this prediction is coming from the same person who predicted Speakerboxx/The Love Below would WIN Album of the Year a full six months before it even came out. So you best recognize.

* 3 & 1/2 Comments About Mariah Carey:
1.) It seems that record execs are angry that Mariah hasn’t been shown more love by the Grammys over the years. I know how they feel. I’m still upset that she was robbed out of a Best Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy for her performance in MTV Cribs.
2.) I feel certain that if Abe Lincoln were alive today he would go back and revise the Emancipation Proclamation to state, “I emancipate everyone except for Mimi. She shall forever remain unemancipated.”
3.) “We Belong Together” should have been played at my high school dance. Actually, I feel like it was.
3 & 1/2.) Everyone talks about how this is Mariah Carey’s comeback album, but is it really a comeback when what you’re coming back from is the revelation of the fact that you’re insane?
(And why does it seem that as a nation we have chosen to overlook the fact that Mariah Carey is insane? Whatever the reason is, is it the same reason we have chosen to overlook the fact that R. Kelly is a pedophile?)

* People who have now officially overstayed their welcome: The Black Eyed Peas, Teri Hatcher, Jamie Foxx.

* I think Kayne, Common and John Legend have formed the best hip hop posse of all time. I mean I’d love to hang out with any of those guys. Now if only they can find some way to ditch Jamie Foxx. Maybe they can pawn him off on Colin Farrell full time.

(Speaking of Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell, is the Miami Vice set like the Mecca of groupidom? Are groupies from all over the world taking holy pilgrimages there as we speak? And is there any conceivable way that the record for most groupies slept with in one film shoot has not already been obliterated by this point? I bet what’s going on in Miami right now makes the Oceans Twelve shoot look like the Steel Magnolias shoot by comparison.)

* Hey Keith Urban, Jon Bon Jovi called and he wants his persona back.

* How was “Numb/Encore” a hit and yet “The Grey Album” wasn’t even allowed to be released legally? How is this fair to humanity? Speaking of “The Grey Album”…hey look, its Jay-Z and Paul McCartney! Their live collaboration (if you can call it that) was cool because it was so shocking to see Paul McCartney appear in the middle of the song and because it was thrilling to see them together, but ultimately it didn’t work. Still though, cool to see Jay-Z wearing a John Lennon T-shirt

(Speaking of Jay-Z, how has "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" not been used in a Head and Shoulders commercial yet?)

* When you hear “Helter Skelter” unexpectedly and out of context of “The White Album”, it’s really shocking to consider the fact that it’s a Beatles song. And I also gotta give Paul props: “Fine Line” is a pretty darn good song. (Also not to be morbid, but it must be said: please God let Ringo die before Paul. Paul deserves to be the last one left.)

* If you combined Bono’s hat with Kanye’s glasses would the resulting coolness factor cause a new ice age? Would the person who could pull that look off make even Johnny Depp jealous? Do I occasionally engage in hyperbole?

* What would have happened if Kanye had lost Best Rap Album? Would he have immediately walked out of the building? Would he have run up on stage and snatched the Grammy out of the winners hand? Hell, none of the other nominees even bothered to show up, but still, part of me wishes he would have lost just so we could have found out what he would have done.

(While we’re on the subject of Kayne its worth noting that he never removed his sunglasses the entire night. That’s amazingly cool in my book. Somewhere Corey Hart is smiling. And by “somewhere” I mean the I-95 Exit 28 underpass.)

* With “Late Registration” winning Best Rap album that means Paul Wall has like 1/44th of a Grammy, which I guess makes him the most successful person to ever (allegedly) graduate from my high school.

(Just to get it out there before the inevitable Houston rap backlash of ’06 begins I'd like to go on record that I’ve not liked Houston hip hop much longer than everyone else has not liked Houston hip hop. In fact its kind of unfathomable to me that Houston hip hop has blown up nationally because I never knew anyone in Houston who ever thought the local hip hop scene was any good. In fact only two good things have ever come out of the Houston rap scene: “Tops Drop” by Fat Pat and “Wanna Be A Balla” by Lil’ Troy. Try to recall the biggest, most popular, most omnipresent song of your lifetime. (“Hey Ya” for example.) Well for two years in Houston “Wanna Be A Baller” was at least five times more popular than that song. I seriously think that 97.9 The Box was under strict orders to play it at least once every 10 minutes. And bare in mind that it’s a six minute long song. I think the best part of the whole thing is that no one had any idea what any of the lyrics were. Lil’ Troy makes Ma$e sound like Laurence Olivier when it comes to diction. I still have no idea what exactly the last part of the chorus is even though I’ve heard the song at least 250 times, easily. I’m pretty sure its “swisha roll tight, got sprayed in my eye”, but then again that doesn’t really make any sense. But what does really? And you have no idea what I’m talking about do you? But then again do you ever?)

(And while we are on the universally fascinating topic of the hip-hop scene from the city I grew up in, I had absolutely no idea until I came to college that doing cough syrup and the using the phrase “chunk the duce” were not national phenomenons but were instead “Houston things”. I can’t tell you how shocking this was to find out. This would be like coming to college and finding out that smoking cigarettes and saying the phrase “that’s cool” had been things that were only popular in your hometown. And just for the record “chunk the duce” is ridiculous dated slang. In high school it had already morphed with my friends and I into “chunkage” or just simply “duce”. And this was way back in 1998. And we were white. At least I think we were…)

* Back to Kanye for a minute…Even though it was off his last album, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I feel that “Last Call” is definitely the most underrated 12 minute long autobiographical rap song of the past few years. In fact, you could make the case that, in its own way, it’s the best thing Kanye has ever done.

* If one were to ever meet The Game how would one refer to him? I mean “Hey there The Game” sounds awkward but what else could you say instead? Mr. Game? “Guy Who Is Feuding and/or not Feuding with 50 Cent”? Simply “Game”? And if you were asking The Game if he was down to do some particular activity what would say? “Yo Game, you game?” I feel like Abbott and Costello would have a field day with this.

* Announcer: Please welcome Gwen Stefani.
   Me: No.

* Mary J. Blige and U2 is a match made in heaven. Although their duet wasn’t quite her "No More Drama" performance from 2001, it was still the performance of the night by far. Speaking of which…

Best 3 & 1/2 Performances of the Night:
1.) U2 & Mary J. Blige
2.) Bruce Springsteen
3.) Kanye West
3 & 1/2.) Paul McCartney

* On to the awards…

Best New Artist goes to…John Legend. It would not be humanly possible for me to care less.

Song the Year goes to…U2! Wow the best nominee actually won. Shocking!

Record of the Year goes to…Green Day! Man, these Grammy are going great so far. The Grammy people have gotten the three major categories right so far. Has that ever happened before? Ever?

Album of the Year goes to…U2? Gotta say I’m conflicted about that one. I’m one of the biggest U2 fans in the world, but Kayne was robbed. He not only had the best album nominated but he actually had the best album of the year and one of the best albums so far this millennium. U2’s album was AT BEST only their 4th best album and you could make a case for it being ranked as low as 7th. If you can argue that an album is a band’s 7th best album then there’s no way it should be beating one of the best albums of the millennium. Still, Bono handled the whole thing amazingly. That is why he is God. And if Kanye had to lose to someone at least it was U2.

(Still I worry about Bono’s proclamation that Kanye will be next. It sure seems that way, but you never know when the magic will run out. A few years ago it seemed like an inevitability that Eminem would win Album of the Year some day. But after his unexpected recent artistic implosion of epic proportions it now seems very unlikely he ever will. So it’s with cautious optimism I say to Kanye, “you’ll get ‘em next time”. )



Thought of the Week: How would the world be different if rats looked like bunny rabbits?

Id Like to Thank and Not Thank the Academy

I know you. I know what you’re thinking. The Oscar nominations came out last Tuesday and still not a word from Fredtheonlinejournal? Is he dead? Has something happened? Is he not outraged by William Hurt’s nomination? Is he not thrilled over Amy Adams’ nomination? Is he not completely indifferent about Rachel Weiz’s nomination? Well yes, yes, and yes. And that’s why I am now FINALLY here to share with you all of my thoughts about something you could care less about. Enjoy.

* Is the fact that I slept soundly the night before Christmas, but I woke up 5 different times the night before the Oscar nominations just because I was worried my alarm might not go off and I would miss them some sort of statement about my life? Yes, I think it is. And not a good one.

* Ultimately despite the 2,000 following words to the contrary, as long as Munich, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams got nominated nothing else really matters. In addition to those three and the other nominations I'll discuss below, I was also really glad about the nominations for Catherine Keener, Paul Giamatti, Tony Kushner and the fact that Scarlett Johansson DIDN’T get nominated for her horrible work in Match Point.

* Just like last year’s Best Album Grammy category, this year’s Best Picture nominees should have been a complete and utter gimme, and yet they went horribly wrong somehow. Based on critical acclaim, popularity, prestige, importance, and that key indefinable intangible “Oscarness” there were exactly four glaringly obvious potential nominees (Brokeback, Munich, King Kong, and Crash (despite the fact its not any good)) and two very similar nominees left to battle for the 5th spot (Walk the Line, Cinderella Man). These nominees would have perfectly covered all the traditional requisite Oscar nominee categories: Sweeping epic love story (Brokeback, King Kong), important message movie (Brokeback, Crash, Munich), serious film by a well-respected director (Munich, Brokeback), little indie that could (Crash), overrated critics darling (Crash), cultural phenomenon (Brokeback), Peter Jackson blockbuster (King Kong), and Walk the Line and Cinderella Man could have duked it out for the “populist feel good hit based on a true story” slot. Oh yeah, and there’s also this: Munich, Brokeback, King Kong, Walk the Line and Cinderella Man were actually (in my opinion) the year’s five best movies. And when is there ever a realistic chance that the five best movies of the year could all get nominated for Best Picture? Well, never. So when that chance comes along of course the Academy doesn’t take it. Instead they fail to nominate King Kong because somehow making ONLY $225 million makes it a flop, Cinderella Man because Russell Crowe threw a phone at some guy, and Walk the Line because they are heartless idiots. Instead they chose to nominate Capote and Good Night and Good Luck. Now granted Capote was a great movie, but its not really Best Picture material and since the inexplicably unstoppable force of nature Crash already had a stranglehold on the “little indie that could” slot, nominating Capote seemed completely redundant. And Good Night and Good Luck reminded me of a Paul McCartney solo album - it sounds great while you’re listening to it, but as soon as it’s done it leaves your consciousness instantly. It has to be one of the slightest trifles of a movie ever to be nominated for Best Picture. It was over before it even got started and didn’t even remotely make me feel any sort of emotion of any kind during its entire ridiculously brief running time. And just for the record, that’s not a very difficult task. Plus it was too arty by half. Two minute long close-ups of people thinking and prolonged shots of empty rooms may get George Clooney a Best Director, but a good movie they do not necessarily make. Someone who wasn’t clearly trying to prove to the world that he was a serious and artistic director could have made the same movie, but much better. Anyway, point is, it should have been an such an easy year to pick the Best Picture nominees that only a group of morons could have screwed up. And so naturally the Academy screwed it up. I guess as long as they didn’t nominate A History of Violence I can live with it though. But boy if you thought last year’s nominees were a mediocre group (and by “you” I mean “me”) this year’s nominees, while slightly better, still make 2003 look like 1939 by comparison.

(Wow I didn’t fully realize how badly I need a life until I just reread that last sentence. Actually now I went back and reread that whole paragraph. Wow.)

* The Mystic River Memorial “Overrated Best Picture Nominee That People Will Watch 15 Years From Now And Think How The Hell Was That Nominated And That Hopefully The People Who Voted For It Will Have To Somehow Try And Explain Why It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time” Award (Try putting that on a trophy): Crash.
When Crash came out I heard people around school and on the Internet raving about Crash and how it was one of the best movies they had seen in a long time. So then, I went to see Crash. All I can say to those people is this - if you thought Crash was one of the best movies you’d seen in a long time not only do I feel very badly for you, but I also would recommend that you start watching better movies. (Unless of course you’re Roger Ebert, in which case you’ve just clearly confirmed the suspicions that you have completely lost your mind). From working at Blockbuster I well know that the average American movie goer only watches horror movies, unfunny “comedies” involving the Wilson brothers, and whatever was number one at the box office its opening weekend, and so the shock of being exposed to something serious like Crash must be overwhelming to their system. Somewhat like finding a carrot in a box of Goobers. (And yes I do realize that might possibly be the worst analogy in the history of recorded time). But nevertheless have we really sunk so low that two dimensional characters, hackneyed ridiculously implausible coincidences, and messages delivered so obviously they would insult the intelligence of a five year old are considered the makings of high art and good entertainment? (see also: A History of Violence; or better yet don’t.) (And if you think I’m anywhere close to being done taking digs at A History of Violence you’re sadly mistaken). And despite Crash’s flaws - even though every character was a two dimensional archetype/stereotype, and even though the movie had already stretched the interlocking storylines thing well past its breaking point – the movie could have still redeemed itself if one change had been made. The real make or break moment was when the kid got shot. At that moment I remember thinking, “oh my god if they kill the kid I forgive this movie all its sins, and if they don’t kill the kid I might seriously considering getting up and walking out”. And of course the kid was saved by some invisible magic cloak they stole from Harry Potter, and in doing so defined the whole movie in a nutshell. The movie takes no chances, says and does nothing new or provocative, and is generally toothless, completely predictable, and utterly implausible. Has our national discourse on controversial subjects really digressed to the level where simply putting characters who are racists in a movie constitutes a provocative examination of racism? If Spike Lee was still around today he would vomit on your face if you tried to tell him Crash was a provocative examination of racism. Either that or heckle you at a Knicks game. The only new thing I learned from Crash about race relations is that no matter what color you are, if you think Crash is a brilliant, groundbreaking movie, then you are an idiot.

(Also worth noting: Crash got nominated for Best Picture and yet it’s not even the best picture this year to feature Chris Bridges. That’s just Ludacris.)

(Also worth noting part 2: When one of the best scenes of your movie involves Ryan Phillippe that should be a sign there’s a problem. And speaking of Ryan Phillippe - can we start taking bets yet on how obnoxious on a scale of 1 to 10 he’s going to be at the Oscars? I’ve got 20 bucks on 9.5.)

* All that being said I do have to give the Academy some credit. They did get the Supporting Actress nominees 100% correct. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

* Now back to you’re regularly scheduled bitching: How the hell was Ray nominated last year and yet Walk the Line wasn’t nominated this year despite the fact that Walk the Line is about 500% better than Ray. Although to be fair to Ray through its incessant airings on HBO it has really kind of grown on me. Plus Richard Schiff is in it! Only with hair on his head on not his on his chin! The first time I realized this might have been one of the most exciting days of my life. It was like the exact opposite of the day I found out Rachel McAdams was 29. And speaking of Ray here’s a little SAT problem for you
Ray : HBO ::
A.) Remember the Titans : TNT
B.) Dave Chappelle - Killin’ Them Softly : Comedy Central’s Secret Stash
C.) Yankeeography : YES Network
D.) All of the above

* The Ethan Hawke “Supporting Actor Nominee Who It Seems Odd To Associate With The Phrase ‘Oscar Nominee’ And Yet It Doesn’t Really Matter Because A Year From Now No One Will Even Remember It Happened” Award – Matt Dillon
Matt Dillon is now officially the luckiest man on earth and if you ask why I say this clearly you are not a connoisseur of the film Wild Things. Although it must be said that Matt Dillon should be disqualified from all future award nominations for being tangentially associated with Entourage. And for once dating Cameron Diaz.

* The Charlize Theron “Who Knew They Could Act” Award – Keira Knightly
I remember walking out of Pride and Prejudice and almost everyone in my family including myself simultaneously saying “wow, Kiera Knightly should be nominated for SOMETHING for that”. And I remember thinking her getting an Oscar nomination could never happen and SHOULD never happen because there were already five such strong leading actress candidates, but yet somehow still wishing there was some way for her to be nominated without knocking one of the other women out. Well unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. Both Gwyneth and Joan Allen wound up getting snubbed for her to get in, and I’m conflicted as to how I feel about that. One the one hand they were both much better than her. But on the other hand, when you feel you like you discovered a performance yourself and were saying it deserved a nomination before that even seemed like a plausible idea to anyone else, you develop a strong personal rooting interest in that performance and it almost feels like some sort of personal validation now that it is indeed nominated. Its like discovering a hip new band six months before anyone else and then being able to say “I was listening to them six months ago” when everyone else starts to find out about them. And clearly I have lost all skill with metaphors. Anyway, point is although I’m still conflicted about it, I am ultimately still glad to see Keira Knightly get an Oscar nomination. It also restores my faith in the system that performances that aren’t heavily hyped by PR machines and the press can still get nominated. Because its one thing to go into a movie knowing, okay Felicity Huffman is a potential Oscar nominee for this role, and it’s a completely other thing to go into a movie with no expectations of anything other than a good time and then when its over thinking “that was just Oscar nomination worthy work” and then that actually coming to pass. So in short, congrats Keira. I had no idea you could act.

* The fact that “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” is nominated for Best Song makes me tremendously happy. And not just because watching them try and deal with the title and lyrics during the telecast will be tremendous fun, but also because it means Three 6 Mafia are now Oscar nominees. And what’s better than that really? Plus it makes me feel good about the Academy that they nominated “Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp” over “Whoop Dat Trick”. (As a side note to the none of you who have seen Hustle and Flow - how does “Whoop Dat Trick” become his hit song when “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is clearly the better song? This bothered me. I hope the filmmakers did that intentionally as a commentary on present day commercial hip hop even though I feel pretty sure they didn’t.) Its also worth noting that I now wish I could somehow retroactively make “its hard out here for a pimp” my high school yearbook quote.

* The Richard Linklater Memorial “Unexpected Yet Exciting and Deserving Screenplay Nominee” Award - Noah Baumbach.
The Squid and the Whale. Now there’s a good movie for ya folks. Extra points for actually unexpectedly incorporating both a squid and a whale. And also for being the best of the Sexually Frank Younger Brother sub-genre that sprung up this year (see also: Thumbsucker and You Me and Everyone We Know)

* Okay, this seems like as good a place as any to mention William Hurt’s nomination. Now granted Supporting Actor this year might be the weakest Oscar category in history. Paul Giamatti gives the only performance in the group that should even be mentioned in the same breath as the word “Oscar”. If I had to come up with five viable worthy nominees this year I honestly couldn’t do it. And believe me, I’ve tried. All that being said though, there is never any excuse to ever nominate William Hurt for ANYTHING. EVER! For any reason! Perhaps they missed the memo but William Hurt is the worst actor in the history of man. William Hurt makes Keanu Reeves look like Laurence Olivier. William Hurt makes Beyonce in the Pink Panther trailers look like Meryl Streep in Sophies Choice. William Hurt makes Jack Black in King Kong look like Jack Black in School of Rock. William Hurt, in short, is a TERRIBLE ACTOR. I wish nothing but harm on William Hurt for bringing such disgrace on not only the profession of acting but also on the speaking of the English language. After seeing William Hurt’s name in the opening credits of Syriana it caused me physical pain that I had unknowingly given money to a William Hurt movie. I will never see Children of a Lesser God just because I know Marlee Matlin was dating William Hurt at the time she was filming it. I really hate William Hurt more than words can describe and yet now he’s nominated (AGAIN) for an Oscar. And to top it off he’s nominated for A History of Violence. The worst movie of the year! And he was the worst thing about it!! And if it seems like I’m remaining even the slightest bit calm about this its only because my therapist has really been intensely helping me over the last week to deal with this issue. Otherwise I would have already lit my face on fire by now. Because that’s what the academy is daring me to do with nominations like this. Okay, its time to go retake my meds again…

(And yes I realize that passionately hating William Hurt is kind of random and a little bizarre but you know what, so is the ending of Donnie Darko. Wait, that didn’t relate to the point I was trying to make at all really. What am I even talking about?…)

* The Judy Dench Saucy Old British Nominee of the Year Award: Judy Dench.
Want to get nominated for an Oscar? Become old and British. Or just become Judy Dench. Because that’s all she had to do in order to get this nomination - simply be herself. As much as I love Judy Dench, you can't honestly say her work in Mrs. Henderson Presents was in any way award worthy. All she did was play “Judy Dench” and she’s played “Judy Dench” much better in previously movies. This year alone I thought she played “Judy Dench” much better in Pride and Prejudice than she did in Mrs. Henderson Presents. But whatever. She’s Judy Dench so you cant be too mad. But in a year when Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof and Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger were both left on the outside looking in, I AM mildly outraged that Judy Dench got nominated for simply AWOAB (Acting While Old And British).

* Like most Americans, I have a good David Strathairn story that I like to tell at parties. A few years ago I went to see a production of A Winters Tale at some Off-Broadway theater downtown. The production was awful and was the genesis of my “if the director’s note in the program is more than a page long, immediately leave the theater and try and get your money back” rule. What made the production particularly awful though was the guy who played Leontes. I had never seen him before in my life and I remember commenting to the people I was with that I couldn’t believe this guy could get any acting job at all, let alone the lead in A Winters Tale. He was so bad it was laughable. In fact I stayed for the second act just so I could make jokes to the people I was with about how bad he was. Of course this being my David Strathairn story it should come as no surprise to find out that I later learned that the man in question was a famous and respected actor named David Strathairn. The same David Strathairn who, even though he was clearly far less deserving than Russell Crowe, Jeff Daniels AND Eric Bana, is now an Oscar nominee. Its times like this that I think its wise that you don’t give a shit about Oscar nominations. And its times like this I think I should choose another hobby instead. Perhaps knitting. Then I could knit a gun. And shoot William Hurt in the face.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) “Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans” (book)
2.) Sufjan Stevens
3.) The Lady in the Water trailer
3 & 1/2.) Sarah Silverman in The Aristocrats

Thought of the Week:
Can some rapper please at some point use the line: “I’m the boss like Tony Danza / the way I spit this stanza”? I’m giving it away free of charge.

Drinking is Fun

Two fredtheonlinejournal entries in one week?!? That can only mean one thing. It must be award season! Indeed it is. What summer or football season are to normal well adjusted people, awards season is to me. It kicks off with the Golden Globes and runs til the Oscars including the Oscar nominations, guild awards and even the Grammys thrown in in between. But since all of that is in the future, a future that includes two more months and literally thousands of words typed, lets instead focus on what happened this past Monday night- The Golden Globes. The awards show where the results don’t matter and everyone is drunk. And celebrities drinking and then giving speeches is always a recipe for fun. Speaking of fun, here were my thoughts had while watching the show:

*The Golden Globes- the one night a year NBC is actually still relevant.

(Hard to believe what has happened to the network of my youth. Sad really. If you had told me ten years ago that NBC would be in 4th place and the butt of punch lines I would have never believed you.)

*As I’m sure I explained last year, The Golden Globes are only important in the impact they have on that year's Oscar race. After the Oscars have been awarded, no one will care or even remember who won the Golden Globes. But until the Oscars are awarded, those who won the Golden Globes are declared Oscar front-runners or at least have their chances of winning an Oscar significantly improved. So while the Golden Globes are of utmost importance now, three months of now they will be almost completely irrelevant. It’s like winning your division in baseball; it’s important when it happens but after the World Series it really doesn’t matter who won their division. The other way The Golden Globes matter is the speeches. It gives the Oscar locks a chance to work on their speech giving, and gives those still vying for an Oscar a chance to either help or hurt their cause with their speech. For example, last year Jamie Foxx wrapped up his Oscar with his Golden Globes speech and Annette Being killed off whatever chance she had with hers. So that’s my Golden Globes spiel.

*On that note: good speech there George Clooney. Too bad there’s no way in hell your winning Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars. Actually its not too bad, because well, lets face it, you don’t deserve it. But more on that at a later date.

(And just for the record I’m not too worried about my Oscar favorites in the supporting categories, Paul Giamatti and Amy Adams, because the Globes are notoriously off in predicting the supporting actor/actress races. So I wont lose too much sleep over the fact Rachel Weisz and George Clooney just won. And by “too much” I mean “more than 5 hours”.)


*Top 3 & 1/2 Acceptance Speeches:
1.) Geena Davis
2.) George Clooney
3.) Steve Carrell
3 & 1/2.) Hugh Laurie

*I don’t know anything about hair or makeup or fashion but I do know something about looking like shit, and Rachel Weisz, you look like shit. And Drew Barrymore…well I think that pretty goes without saying…

*If you’re ever onstage presenting an award, don’t clap after your partner announces each nominee. Also don’t be Jessica Alba.

*A short play:
“Person 1: Which one of the nominees won best supporting actress?
Person 2: Sandra.
Person 1: Oh.”

*A short letter:
Dear cast of Sideways,
Who’s the one with a major acting award now bitches?
Love,
Sandra Oh

*Are we sure that Nicolette Sheridan isn’t a man? Is it true that she’s dating Michel Bolton? Does that fact, if its true, make it more or less likely that she is in fact a man?

*Is there anyone alive besides me that remembers that Geena Davis won an Oscar once? How is it possible to allow people to completely forget that fact? Her publicist must suck worse than Tom Cruise’s sister.

*I hope that in addition to his win this year, Hugh Laurie wins at least the next two years in a row as well so in three years I can start making the joke “House always wins”. Seems like a long time to wait just for a joke, but then again…well…ummm…okay when I cant even come up with a punch line for THIS joke, clearly I’m pretty desperate.

*At awards show where it is has been clearly established that everyone there is drunk is there a more exciting phrase in the English language to hear than “Coming up next – Mariah Carey and Harrison Ford”?

*I for one cant believe that “Mambo #9” has been rewritten for use in an Applebee’s commercial. First Cadillac uses Led Zeppelin, and now this? Is nothing sacred anymore? Lou Bega Jr. must be rolling over in his grave.

*Harrison Ford: proving that you CAN look uncool while wearing an earring.
(And while we’re on the subject why has more not been made about the fact that Harrison Ford has in the last ten years gone from the biggest movie star in the world to a doddering nearly catatonic old man who seems to be completely and utterly bat-shit insane?)

*Okay, who let Penelope Cruz present again? Seriously, with the money Tom Cruise gave her to date him, can’t she buy some English lessons? Or some not looking like Paz Vega lessons?

*The Hispanic guy who won for scoring Brokeback Mountain said “Focus” in such a way that it sounded like he said “fuck us”. I laughed.

*Mandy Moore! (Just thought it was worth saying.) (As a side note: Zach Braff must die.)

*If you were to tell me that Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die as research for playing Johnny Cash, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised. In fact if you were to tell me Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die just because he felt like it, I wouldn’t be surprised either. And just for the record I have never ever said anything bad about Joaquin Phoenix ever. So if he asks you if I did, well, I didn’t. Please don’t eat my children Mr. Phoenix.

*Okay Ryan Phillippe, this is not The Ryan Phillippe Show, please stop trying to talk to people while they are giving their acceptance speech and please stop literally hanging on your wife in order to ensure that you’ll be seen on TV. We all know you cant handle the fact that your wife is a famous award winning movie star while you have yet to learn how to properly speak the English language, but get over it already. And we all also know the only reason you came all the way from Toronto to be there is because you wanted to be on TV and because your marriage counselor suggested you be there. So will you sit down now please? Thank you.

*Why isn’t more made about the fact that post-divorce Dennis Quaid’s career has skyrocketed while Meg Ryan has dropped off the face of the earth? This seems like a big and relatively interesting story to me and yet this fact is never mentioned. Why is this?

*It’s getting late in the show now and still no sign of Meryl Streep. This really can’t be! There cant be a Golden Globes without drunken Meryl Streep! That would be like having the Vibe Awards without gang-related gun violence. All year I look forward to Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance. Its always one of the highlights of the year and just the memory of it will keep my heart warm throughout the cold winter months that follow.
And you think I’m joking….

(And it’s not just me either. I called to my Mom the next day and the first thing she said when she answered the phone was ”where was drunken Meryl Streep?” So apparently drunken Meryl Streep is like a “thing” in my family. This explains so much about me…)

*I like how they made Felicity Huffman move tables after the TV awards were done, so that when she won for Transamerica she wasn’t stuck back with the lowly Desperate Housewifes women but instead was up with the movie stars. Then again she’s probably about two seconds away from getting Terri Hatcher to buy her a gun from Radio Shack and using it to shoot the whole lot of them. Or at least I hope she is. (As a side note: Is it humanly possible to dislike Felicity Huffman? I don’t think it is. I mean she’s just so likeable. And to top it off she’s married to William H. Macy.)

*And in closing, I think if I’m writing about this years Golden Globes I’m required by law to mention Scarlett Johnason’s dress. So there I mentioned it. Now can we all move on already? Jeeze, you people act like its 2003 or something…


Top 3 & 1/2 Sayings of the Week That I Don’t Think Will Catch On But That I Wish Would:
1.) “That’s shadier than taking guitar lessons from Dan Smith.”
2.) “That’s shorter than your moms penis.”
3.) “That’s less subtle than A History of Violence.”
3 & 1/2.) “That’s gayer than Bill O’Reilly.”

Thought of the Week:
I wish Id written this first:
http://www.fametracker.com/fame_audit/infangelina.shtml

(Jed) Bartlet's Familar Quotations

Warning: If you’ve ever read an article on the journal and thought: wow that was way too long, then save yourself the trouble and stop reading right now. If you do choose to continue just check your schedule first and make sure you’ve got nothing else on your agenda for this week. Because it was 15 pages single-spaced in Microsoft Word. And if you think I was able to do an even remotely thorough job proofreading it then you are sadly mistaken. Consider yourself warned.

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“Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions; we should be talking about a permanent revolution.”
-Sam Seaborn, The West Wing

When attempting to talk about The West Wing I don’t even know where to begin. Which is a sign that bodes well for the next 15 pages I’m sure. But nevertheless it’s true. I guess maybe a thesis would help. Or a topic sentence. That’s always how they taught me to begin in school. So okay Ill try that.

“The West Wing is the greatest drama in the history of television.”

There. I would say television “program” but trying to compare it to Seinfeld seems like an apples and oranges sort of thing. Still the greatest drama in the history of television is a pretty strong claim. But it’s true. Now of course there are many, many shows I’ve never seen before that I’m sure are quite good. But I can assure you they are not as good as The West Wing. And true I’ve only seen the first two seasons of The West Wing so that might seem like a small sample size to base that claim on, but you know what, I could have made that claim after two episodes, and that feeling only grows the more episodes I watch. Because The West Wing is brilliant, revolutionary, life changing, and damn addictive too. It’s like crack for people who love smart, quality entertainment. It is the reason why TV shouldn’t be on DVD. Because then you start off your day sitting down to watch one, and only one, episode over breakfast and then find yourself 12 hours later still in front of your TV covered in crumbs and beer stains screaming obscenities at John Hoynes. And by “you” I don’t mean “you” as much as I mean “me”.

But sure there are other shows that are as addictive and compelling. I hear people all the time talking about having Lost or 24 or Six Feet Under marathons. Hell, sometimes I find it hard to tear myself away from VH1’s “40 Most Awesomely Bad Break Up Songs”. So what makes The West Wing better than all those shows? Well for one it’s about something more important – the inner workings of the government of the most powerful country in the world: our country.

Most any other drama is about love and lust and relationships of all kinds between other people. Some shows are even about life and death both of their characters and the people their characters affect. Well The West Wing is all of those things as well, but the people its characters affect happen to be every person on the face of the planet. And sure shows like Alias and 24 are ostensibly about saving the world from destruction, but those shows are so far removed from reality that they serve pretty much only as entertainment. Well The West Wing is entertaining as well, and yet it also informs the way we view perhaps the most important of real world institutions – our government. I now view real world events through a different prism and have greater insight into why things might happen they way they do in regards to politics because of The West Wing. A show that entertains, educates, and involves both the lives and loves of a large cast of fascinating characters but also the fate of the free world – sounds like a recipe for the greatest show in the history of TV to me. But as Commander and Chief has proven it takes more than just a good recipe to create a show like The West Wing. It takes great acting, great writing, great intelligence, great creativity, and great genius. And The West Wing has all those things in spades. It also has huge balls.

It takes real sides on real issues and really attempts to address actual real life public policy. It’s not only extremely relevant but startlingly ahead of its time. Gay marriage, terrorism, and privatization of social security were all dealt with on the show way back in 2000. And I still think their idea of having the government offering to pay for the tuition of people who agree to become teachers at inner city school much like they do with people who agree to enter the military is realistically viable public policy that should be actually pursued.

But its not just its subject matter and the stories it chooses to tell, but what really pushes it into the level of art is the way it tells those stories. And I think the best way to see how brilliant its story telling is is to attempt to contrast it to other shows I would consider great. And that doesn’t include “Commander and Chief”. But it does include “Grey’s Anatomy”.

See I’ve recently started watching “Grey’s Anatomy”. It’s a great show and I’m definitely a big fan now, but when I watch it I’m always reminded how head and shoulders above everything else The West Wing truly is. Watch The West Wing and then go watch any other show and you’ll be struck by the same thing. That’s because other shows seem bound by all the television conventions – something big has to happen leading into every commercial break, there’s an abundance of voice over narration, and most glaringly of all, there’s always an A story and a B story. This of course means that there’s a main story line but that then there’s also a secondary storyline to give the other characters something to do as well. Watch an episode from the last four seasons of “Friends” and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. But its not just “Friends” - every single show does this. Except for The West Wing. Sometimes when you think something is the B story line it turns out four episodes later that was the A story line or that there were four A storylines going at once and it was merely one of them trying to disguise itself as a B storyline. But nothing on the show is ever nothing. The show is adherent to its continuum like no show before or since, with the possible exception of “24”. It never introduces storylines it doesn’t intend to finish, and this makes it the perfect show for the TV on DVD era. Other shows, like “Freaks and Geeks” for example, introduce storylines for an episode and then completely drop them the next episode or act like they never happened. And when you watch a show only once every week, that’s fine because you don’t remember every little thing that happens from week to week. But when you watch a show on DVD it becomes frustrating and seems like bad writing if you’re left wondering things like “what happened to that girl Ken was dating last episode” or “wasn’t Lindsay supposed to be grounded for like a month?” (questions I had while watching the entire series of “Freaks and Geeks” over a three day span). This rarely happens with The West Wing though. Although it sometimes has too many storylines going at once to keep them all going every episode, it always comes back to things. And if something happens it has ramifications on all of the episodes that follow. Nothing is every just permanently dropped, and nothing is ever just done for a reason like the writers felt like in this episode it would be cool if Sam tried to learn how to ride a horse. There’s a purpose behind everything that happens on the show. Which means everything is something and that you never know what that something might ultimately be.

The show also generally avoids the TV convention of sensationalism. If you remove the shooting storyline (which seemed laughably out of place to begin with) the show over its first two seasons never seems liked it was pulling any ratings ploys or “must see events” like nearly every other show does. And even the shooting episode demonstrated how the show focuses more on its characters and great storytelling than it does on creating sensational must see events. I mean the show did two episodes about someone shooting at the president and over half of both episodes was devoted not to the shooting but to how the people who were shot at first met. The president was shot by a would be assassin and yet the show is constructed as such that we the viewers are much more interested in learning how Josh Lyman joined his campaign that in whether or not he’ll live or die. That my friends, is the mark of a revolutionary TV show that’s at the top of its game. Nothing makes that more clear than this fact though - they did six whole episodes almost exclusively devoted a character revealing he has an obscure non-fatal disease and they were some of the most compelling episodes in the history of television. Really stop and think about what a remarkable unprecedented achievement that is. It’s pretty fucking remarkable.

(Everyone talks about how The Sopranos revolutionized TV because they could cuss, have nudity, and explicit violence, well try and tell me that they could do six episodes about Tony revealing to everyone that he has Crohn’s disease without the show resorting to sex, drugs, or violence to up the entertainment value. Try telling me that because then I would have the opportunity to call you a liar. And I would relish that opportunity. So while The Sopranos is good show and all, if you’re going to even try and make a case that it is a better, more artistically relevant show than The West Wing, then you can go sell that somewhere else, cuz this store already has all the bullshit it can afford.)

What makes an achievement like that possible is obviously the people involved in the show. Both the real people who make the show, and the fictional characters that inhabit it. And so for that reason, and because I’m a compulsive list maker, I feel it is necessary to rank the seventeen people who played the biggest part in season two of The West Wing from worst to best. And when I say worst, I don’t mean it as a bad thing, I just mean SOMEONE has to be last. And when I say best, I mean the eternal lord and savior of all things good and holy who makes all morals tremble with ecstasy merely to stand in his presence. And somehow that just managed to be both the most religious and the gayest sentence I think I’ve ever written. So on that note, let the ranking begin.

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Honorable Mention: This isn’t a person so much as its an episode so that’s why its only honorable mention, but if you don’t ever listen to another thing recommend, if you don’t care about any other movie or song or show I choose to promote in here, fine. Just please watch “Two Cathedrals”, the final episode of season 2. Because that my friends is how you do a TV show. It shows that every other TV show is just second rate.

(And yes I know that “Noel” is generally considered the best episode of season two, and no offense to Yo-Yo Ma, but I like “Two Cathedrals” better. And I think what makes “Two Cathedrals” so great is that despite the fact its grandiosity is somewhat out of character for the series, never before has a series earned an episode that grandiose more than The West Wing earned “Two Cathedrals”.)

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17.) Zoey Bartlet - How could Martin Sheen possibly produce a child that boring, uninspiring, and unable to act? I don’t buy it for a moment. What was her audition for the part like? Were they looking for someone who could be as boring as humanly possible?. Were they impressed by her monologue, which revealed her emotional range to be stunningly limited and/or non-existent? Were they won over by the fact that she wasn’t believable as a human being and possessed absolutely no chemistry with Dule Hill? And since we’re on the subject, are Zoey and Charlie’s dates the most boring dates in the history of man? Do they just stare blankly at each other while speaking sweet nothings in their own respective dull colorless monotone? And while Zoey does provide hope that I too could be on the West Wing, and so could my dead grandmother for that matter, at the same time, I kind of wish she had been killed or at least seriously wounded in the shooting. (And now I am going straight to hell. I don’t even get to pass Go and collect my $200.)

(And while we’re here can we mention her personal secret service agent for a moment? I mean the woman looks just like a poor man’s Hilary Swank. And just for the record any man poorer than Chad Lowe is REALLY poor.)

“President Josiah Bartlet: You know, Zoey is starting Georgetown in two weeks, I was thinking about getting her "The Nature of Things," translated from the Latin of Titus Lucretius Karas. What do you think?
Charlie Young: I think she would like that better than a new stereo, sir.”

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16.) Charlie Young - Dule Hill seems like a nice kid (and by “kid” I mean “31 year old”) and nothing against him personally, but he can’t act. And his character is boring and woefully underdeveloped. And yet he was somehow nominated for an Emmy. For what? Staring off into space vacantly? Speaking all of his lines in a dull monotone that could lull a hyperactive ten year old to sleep? Keeping his face so expressionless at all times we wonder if he the result of some botox experiment gone horribly wrong. I mean his facial expressions make Clint Eastwood seem like Jim Carrey. It’s a shame because I like in theory what his character should be. A young outsider who gets placed in the middle of the inner workings of the White House and experiences it, as the audience does, with wide-eyed awe and wonderment. When Charlie was first introduced in season one, Aaron Sorkin seemed like he created the character for just that purpose - to act as a pseudo-audience surrogate. That ended pretty quick though and it now seems more likely that Sorkin suddenly realized that in his fictional Democratically controlled White House he forgot to cast any minorities. And so I can only assume after an exhaustive casting search that must have lasted at least ten minutes they settled on Dule Hill. Now to be fair he’s not terrible, he just brings absolutely nothing to the table. I feel like they could have cast a fichus in his role it could have done just as well. And of course none of this would really bother me, expect for the fact that he was nominated for an Emmy. But since he was, it bothers me.

“Ambassador Ken Cochran: I want to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie Young: My supervisor? Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so right now my supervisor is kinda busy looking for a back door to throw you out of. But I'll let him know.”

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15.) Joey Lucas – Okay I realize that Marlee Matlin is deaf so I cant say anything negative about her, but really, why was she cast? It’s completely unbelievable that Josh is so attracted to her. And is it supposed to be some kind of joke that they cast a deaf person as a pollster? I’m praying that that bit of casting is some sort of very subliminal commentary on the political polling system because if not, then this is just a case of non-traditional casting gone very wrong. I mean I guess I applaud what they’re trying to do in theory, but in practice it just creates too many unbelievable situations and raises too many questions. Like why are they okay with the fact that her interpreter is getting access to top-secret meetings and information? And do the show’s producers have to pay him as much as they pay Marlee since he is the one actually saying the lines? And how would an actor audition for the role of her interpreter? And if you didn’t already know that Marlee Matlin was deaf would the fact that she dated William Hurt make that instantly clear? And most of all if you were going to write a character that Josh Lyman was going to be head over heels attracted to why would you cast an actress who was both UNATTRACTIVE AND DEAF?!? I seriously hate casting directors sometimes. Okay actually scratch that “sometimes” and replace it with “all of the time”.

(Well there goes my career. It was fun while it didn’t last.)

“Joey Lucas: I want to speak to the President!
Josh Lyman: Hey, lunatic lady, trust me when I tell you there is absolutely no way that you are going to see the president.
President Josiah Bartlet: [the President walks through the door] Hey, Josh...”

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14.) VP John Hoynes – Once again I don’t buy this character. I mean what kind of a president would choose as his running mate a sour, unlikable, slightly evil seeming curmudgeon who keeps trying to overstep the bounds of his power? And are we expected to believe that the American people would vote for a ticket that had someone like that on it? I mean come on, that’s a completely ridiculous idea…

“C.J. Cregg: You haven't had a drink since you were 22?
John Hoynes: That's right.
C.J. Cregg: Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped you in the face.
John Hoynes: He did once.”

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13.) Mrs. Landingham – Close your eyes while watching “Two Cathedrals” and I swear you’ll think the young Mrs. Landingham is being played by Ellen DeGeneres. The vocal resemblance is uncanny. Anyway, Mrs. Landingham is a likeable, sweet, but completely inessential character. Although she IS more essential than Leo’s secretary Margaret. I always wonder if the actress who plays Margaret secretly wants to kill Janel Moloney in her sleep.

“Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
Leo McGarry: Well, in your day you could fight off the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm - the grumpy man's wit.
Leo McGarry: Go sharpen a pencil, would you?”

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12.) Abby Bartlet – Remember when Stockard Channing played Rizzo in “Grease” and was the epitome of a cool yet vulnerable and nuanced character? Now it seems hat she’s turned into the very thing Rizzo would have railed against - a nagging wife with a stick up her butt. (Plus I find her AIG commercials strangely disturbing) She’s always telling Jed what he can’t do, trying to boss him around, being overly serious and dramatic all the time, and generally being an irritating old shrew. Well luckily I’m familiar with the works of Shakespeare so I know just how to go about taming a shrew - starve her, don’t let her sleep, and throw pillows at her. Now there’s an episode Id pay to see.

“Abby Bartlet: I have something important to tell you.
President Josiah Bartlet: What is it?
Abby Bartlet: Well I haven’t completely made up my mind yet, but at this point, I’m leaning towards voting for you.”

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11.) Tommy Schlamme – Before I even had seen an episode of The West Wing I already liked it because at the Emmys every year when it would win, they would call out Tommy Schlamme’s name since he’s an executive producer and it would always make me chuckle, because, well, lets face it, it’s a funny name. Not only does his first name rhyme with is last name but his last name sounds like a combination of “schlong” and “salami”. It’s just an award winning name really. Props to Mom and Pop Schlamme for a great job of naming their kid. I mean he’s a great director and all too, and whenever an episode begins and it says “directed by Tommy Schlamme” you know you’re in good hands, but really, its all about his name. Any show where the name W.E. Snuffy Walden is only the SECOND best name involved, you know has to be a good show.

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10.) Toby Ziegler – You know what episode I really like? That one where Toby Ziegler gets all pissed off and indigent about something and alternates between sulking about it and yelling about it. Oh wait…that’s all of the episodes. Look, I love Toby and the show wouldn’t be the same without him and I think Richard Schiff does a great job and deserves his Emmy nominations and all that, but lets face it, Toby is almost exactly the same in every episode, and there’s only so much you want to watch of a unsmiling, humorless, pissed-off guy who mopes around and yells a lot. I know there are people who really like Toby, and that’s fine; he’s just not really my cup of tea. I like mine with a little sugar in it. Which reminds me of a good line I heard the other day at work: “I like my coffee like I like my women - strong, black, and hot.” That might actually be from a movie or something but I’d never heard it before and it made me laugh. Which is more than I can say for Toby Ziegler.

(Sorry about that unnecessary dig there Toby. Much love. Much love.)

“Woman in Bar: You've been a... what do you call it?
Toby Ziegler: Professional political operative.
Woman in Bar: You've been one your whole life?
Toby Ziegler: There was a while there I was in Elementary School.”

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9.) Leo McGarry – Okay here’s where it starts getting hard to rank people. I mean what problem could anyone have with Leo McGarry or John Spencer’s portrayal of him? None that I can think of. He does a great job and has a well written likable character. I don’t know if Leo would ever be anyone’s FAVORITE character, but at the same time I can’t imagine anyone not liking him. He is just a great guy and an indispensable part of the show. Which makes his recent death all the more sad. I’m of course referring to John Spencer’s death, but I guess that’s Leo McGarry’s death too. Which is a fitting statement because rarely have a character and the actor playing him seemed to be so similar. So rest in peace friend. You will be missed.

“Leo McGarry: Do you think that increasing the body count is going to act as a deterrent?
President Josiah Bartlet: You're damn right I do.
Leo McGarry: Well then, you're just as stupid as these people who think that capital punishment will act as a deterrent to drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day-to-day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours, and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne. But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you had better start with me because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you.”

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8.) Ainsley Hayes – Okay here’s where it starts getting REALLY hard. And I know, I know - how could I possibly rank a minor character like Ainsley Hayes above Leo and Toby? And do I realize that she’s a Republican? Yes, yes I do, and as I said, this is where it gets REALLY hard to rank the characters. It’s like asking God to rank his favorite creations. Obviously you’ve got Jesus first and “Everybody Loves Raymond” and Yoko Ono last, but what do you when you get to that shit that falls in the level just below Jesus - like Mother Theresa, the Pope, and hazelnut flavored iced coffee? I mean it just becomes too hard to rank them because they’re all about equal. Well that’s how the list is from here until slot #1, so I don’t wanna hear any of your lip. Anyway, back to the issue at hand - I love Ainsley Hayes. While she may just barely miss my Favorite Female TV Characters List (see #4), I do have to say that if I ever started a band I would seriously consider naming it “Ainsley Hayes”. But then again I used to want to name my hypothetical band “Black Pudding and the Centaurs” so what do I know? But point is if I ever had to have sex with a Republican I would totally want it to be Ainsley Hayes. Her character is incredibly likeable and sympathetic and serves the role Charlie Young should have served, of the pseudo audience stand in, who comes in to the world of the West Wing as a wide-eyed outsider, with a sense of awe about her surroundings. We take her journey with her rather than being thrown in to the middle of her journey like the rest of the characters. For this reason she is in many ways the character we feel most sympathetic toward and root the hardest for. And that’s what makes the fact that she’s a Republican so genius and ballsy. I mean the famously liberal creator of the show introduced a conservative character to a very politically liberal show and environment and not only didn’t vilify her or make her one dimensional, but he made her extremely likeable, intelligent, and let her raise a lot of good points and present good ideas. I mean a lot of what she says makes sense and her presence on the show has done more than anything I can think of, other than being born in Texas, to really humanize the “other side”, if you will, and see things through “their” eyes. A fictional TV character who helps you to better understand the real world and gives voice and humanity to an entire massive segment of the population – I’d say that’s a TV character we can all get behind. Now buy our debut CD “Office in the Steamroom”

“Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.”

“Ainsley Hayes: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that to erase the humiliation that I have brought upon myself and my father.
Sam Seaborn: You're just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?”

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7.) C.J. Cregg –

“C.J. Cregg: The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.”

I have decided that White House Press Secretary is officially the hardest job in the entire world. (Well with the possible exception of Tara Reid’s publicist.) And I can’t imagine anyone real or fictional doing the job better than C.J. Cregg, even though her last name looks nothing like it sounds, which is especially strange considering it’s a made up name, but whatever. Watching C.J. do her job so masterfully makes me want to watch actual White House press conferences, as painful as that may sound. How in the world press secretaries are expected to know everything about everything and be one step ahead of an entire room full of reporters is beyond me. And how they navigate the potential minefield that is the question and answer session that accompanies most press briefings seems like a super human feat. And yet C.J. Cregg does it every episode with equal amounts of intelligence, power, humor, and dare I say, style. True it may be Sorkin’s writing that does it, but it’s Allison Janney who pulls it off so brilliantly. So huzzah I say to you Allison Janney. Go have yourself an Emmy or four.

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6.) Danny Concannon – Speaking of the White House Press Corps…hey look who it is! It’s Danny Concannon! My favorite part of watching any new episode for the first time is those few moments after the opening credits when they list that episode’s guest stars when I get to hope desperately to see Timothy Busfield’s name listed. But alas, all too frequently his name does not come. Which is really a shame because they should use him WAY more than they do. And I know it’s hard to have something every episode for a random journalist to do that would involve the inner workings of the White House, but still. They should at least have him ask a question at every press briefing, even if it was something simple. Which raises the question, why is he not at every White House press briefing? In fact why is only at about a fourth of them at best? The fact that I even noticed this and that I care about it brings us to one of the main things that separates good TV shows from GREAT ones- and that is this: you care so much about the characters you want to know what they are doing in the scenes that they aren’t in. This is the mark of a great TV show and since The West Wing is the greatest of TV shows, it makes sense then that I would want to know what is keeping Danny Concannon from being at all the press briefings. You get so invested in characters like Danny that you start thinking about them like real people. You believe them so completely that you start imagining what they might be doing when they are not on screen. They are so alive you want to follow them around 24 hours a day, see their homes or apartments, watch TV with them, and find out where they go on their lunch break. You wonder why Danny isn’t at every briefing, or what Ainsley is doing in the episodes she’s not in, or what ever happened to Mandy from season one even though you never even liked her in the first place, even though as a fellow Marymount graduate you think you’re like required by law to like her or something like that. And of all the charcters and storylines that “you” want to know more about first among them is “what ever happened to Danny and C.J.”? Are they going to get together or what? Does she like him? She totally does doesn’t she? And these last few sentences seem like they were written by an eighth grader don’t they? Well that’s what this show turns me into, a prying, nosy, gossipy eighth-grader. Only now the kids that I’m gossiping about shape the public policy of the most powerful government on the planet, rather than you know, the public policy of the cool table in the cafeteria. But seriously though, Danny and C.J. should hook up because Danny is like the best minor character on a TV show ever. And I do mean EVER. And seriously what single woman would ever NOT jump at the chance to be with the first random guy who seemed even remotely interested in being her boyfriend? No woman I’ve ever met…

“C.J. Cregg: When you flirt with me, are you doing it to get a story?
Danny Concannon: No.
C.J. Cregg: Then why are you doing it?
Danny Concannon: I'm doing it to flirt with you.”

(Speaking of characters’ love lives on the show, I just got done watching the first episode of season three - the episode written directly as a response to 9/11- and I think Janel Moloney’s closing line at the end of the opening monologue of the show demonstrates exactly why The West Wing is just on a different level than anything else. The monologue is the actors directly addressing the camera as themselves talking about 9/11 and how tonight’s episode is a response to it and how it doesn’t fit in it with the shows continuum, but that they will get back to the show’s regular storylines the next week. Then they start listing all of the serious issues that the show will be addressing when the new season begins – health care reform, battling big tobacco, the president’s case of MS, war with Haiti, etc., - and then for the last line Janel Moloney appears for the first time and says with a why smile, “and I get a boyfriend”. And then fade to black and the episode begins. If you don’t get why that’s great writing then I can’t explain it to you, but just trust me, it is.
Okay I’m done now.)

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5.) Sam Seaborn – In the history of bad showbiz decisions has there ever been a worse one than Rob Lowe’s decision to leave The West Wing? Before The West Wing, Rob Lowe was a washed up sleazy-seeming former brat packer best known for making a sex tape with two young girls. On The West Wing he was a charming, intelligent, nice guy who was eminently watchable and exceedingly likeable. Post West Wing…well I dunno...is he even still alive? Why the hell if you had a great part on the best show in the history of TV - a show that took a chance even casting you and saved your career from complete oblivion - would you ever even consider leaving that show? His agent must be worse than Bob Sugar to let him do stupid shit like that. And since I haven’t seen season four yet, I have yet to see Will Bailey, his replacement. But while I’m sure Will Bailey is a nice guy and all, he ain’t no Sam Seaborn I can tell you that much. As much as Jed may be the show’s main character, Sam and Josh are its lifeblood. My feelings on even continuing to watch it post Sam’s departure are mixed at best. But his departure coincidentally coincides with Aaron Sorkin’s departure, which brings my desire to watch past season four down from “mixed at best” to “pretty much aint gonna happen”.

“Sam Seaborn: Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I am a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out The Times is publishing a poll that says that a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that is not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean, while the governor of Florida wants to blockade the port of Miami. A good friend of mine is about to get fired for going on television and making sense. And it turns out that I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now, would you please in the name of compassion tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
Mallory O'Brian: That would be me.
Sam Seaborn: ...This is bad on so many levels...”

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4.) Donna Moss- Okay I mentioned it a few items back so here it is:
My Top 3 & 1/2 Favorite Female TV Characters of All Time
(As of this moment)
1.) Lindsay Weir – “Freaks and Geeks”
2.) Donna Moss – “The West Wing”
3.) Izzie Stevens – “Grey’s Antomy”
3 & 1/2.) Rachel Green – “Friends”
Now she may not be number one, but number two is nothing to sneeze at and also there’s no way anyone will ever beat Lindsay Weir so really number two is the best any fictional character can hope for (but that’s a whole ‘nother column). I love everything about Donna Moss. Her name. The way she exudes vulnerable intelligence. The way she seems tailor made for Sorkin’s dialogue. And the fact she wasn’t even supposed to be a regular but Bradley Whitford pointed out to Aaron Sorkin what natural chemistry she had with his character and he agreed and made her a regular. And they were 100% right. Josh and Donna’s chemistry is off the charts. Other than the writing you could make a case that it’s the best part about the whole show. You really get the sense that if you ever saw Janel Moloney and Bradley Whitford hanging out together in real life you know exactly what their relationship would be like. And based on evidence presented in the episode commentaries, you wouldn’t be wrong. The only problem with making Janel Moloney an official regular cast member in season two is that occasionally it would feel like she was being forced into episodes she didn’t really belong in but because of her contract they had to find something for her to do in every episode. But why quibble. While I find it hard to believe you could ever base a whole episode around Donna Moss, I also find it hard to believe that one could ever have too much of her. Especially if she was always paired with Josh. I think America could watch them banter all day. And as great as Danny and C.J.’s non-relationship is, Josh and Donna’s is even better. The way it’s handled, or better yet, not handled, is perfect. It’s like “Lost in Translation” before there was a “Lost in Translation”. And outside of the Huxtables there isn’t a more watchable, likeable, or believable male-female pair on TV that I can think of. And all of this of course leads to possibly my all time favorite dialogue exchanges from any medium:

“Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.”

(You have to see her say it and know the context, but still…fucking great writing. Oh that Aaron Sorkin…But much more on him later.)

(Speaking of “Lost in Translation”, is Scarlett Johanson’s performance in “Match Point” her “jump the shark” moment. Has the phrase “jump the shark”, itself jumped the shark? What am I even talking about?)

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3.) Josh Lyman- There’s a fine yet subtle difference between “favorite” and “best”. For example, I thought “Munich” was this year’s best movie but I would say “Walk the Line” was my favorite movie of the year. That’s relevant here because while Jed Bartlet may be the “best” character Josh Lyman is definitely my favorite. If I could be any fictional character or play any part other than Lloyd Dobler in “Say Anything” I think I would want to be Josh Lyman. Except I wouldn’t because there’s no way I could be anywhere close to even 1/100th as good as Bradley Whitford. And I wouldn’t want to deprive the world and myself of Bradley Whitford’s work as Josh. I would also say I would love to hang out with Josh but then again I think I would be way too intimated and there’s no way I could ever keep up with his caustic wit and awe inspiring intellect. If someday the world was inverted and suddenly slightly dorky intellectuals were the epitome of cool then Josh Lyman would be James Dean, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp all rolled into one. Coolness would ooze from his every pore and people would make pilgrimages of hundreds of thousands of miles just to even catch half of glimpse of him in hopes of gaining even a smidgen of a portion of a fraction of his coolness. And I would lead these pilgrims and we would travel to his temple and bow down at his feet and worship his gifts for witty sarcastic banter, perfectly phrased dialogue, neurotic nebbish confidence, and passionate idealism. Plus I’d totally do his secretary.

“Josh Lyman: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, victory is mine.
Donna Moss: Good morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
Donna Moss: It's going to be an unbearable day.”

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2.) Jed Bartlet-

“President Josiah Bartlet: I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.”

What makes The West Wing important and relevant is its subject matter. What makes it great is its writing and what its actors do with that writing. What truly makes it transcendent though, the way it reaches our hearts, our souls, and inspires immeasurable passion in its fans and supporters, is the same quality its shares with all great art – it not only makes us feel its humanity and passion, but it offers us hope and takes us to a magical dream-like place that is yet grounded enough in our own reality to seem possible and real. And all of these qualities are captured perfectly by Martin Sheen as president Jed Bartlet. Regardless of your party affiliation of political beliefs he’s the president we all wish we could have yet never will – smart, decisive, passionate, idealistic, a great orator, oozing leadership from his every pore, strong yet relatable and human, and most importantly, endlessly inspiring. It’s the show’s great strength that you could make similar statements about nearly all its characters, but definitely none more so than the president himself. That’s why its unbelievable to me that Martin Sheen was originally only supposed to appear in the pilot and nothing else. I can’t possibly imagine the show working without him. And how fucking James Gandolfini has ever beaten him in any awards ceremony let alone nearly all of them is so beyond me I cant even begin to comprehend. Watch Martin Sheen in literally any episode and it’s like getting a master class in acting. And if either of his two big speeches in “Two Cathedrals” weren’t some of the best TV acting in history then I don’t know what is. It’s so good yet so seemingly effortless that it barely seems like acting at all. Which is what makes his character and the show as a whole seem so much like reality. And it gives us the fantasy, the illusion, the hope, that this is how our government really works, this is how our president is, or at least what he can be someday. Because Jed Bartlet represents all that is good and right and beautiful about America, and about humanity. And so too does The West Wing.


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1.) Aaron Sorkin- Which brings us to its creator. Perhaps you’ve been noticing how I’ve been including quotes either from or about each character. Then again perhaps you’re illiterate. The quotes themselves aren’t really that important. Truth be told, I found most of them on imdb. But while the actual quotes I’ve chosen may not be important in and of themselves, they are collectively of the utmost importance for what they represent. And what they represent is a writing sample of the greatest television writer in the history of the medium. I’ve never seen Sports Night and his new pilot script about an SNL like late night show is generating massive buzz in Hollywood, but obviously I have yet to see that as well. So it might seem like overstatement to declare Aaron Sorkin the greatest TV writer of all time based on two season of one show. But if you’ve actually seen those two seasons of that one show you would know that NOT declaring him the greatest TV writer of all time would be the crazier thing to do. For all its information, for all its inspiration, for all its power and passion and entertainment value at its core it’s all about the writing. And not just the dialogue, and not just the way the dialogue is structured, and not just what the actors do with it, and not just the plot structure and the stories the words are used to tell, but all of it. Every last aspect of the writing and what is done with the writing is brilliant and it is why more than anything else The West Wing is hands down bar none, the greatest most important television drama of all time. And its all Aaron Sorkin’s doing.

If you go back and watch other things Sorkin has scripted like “A Few Good Men” and “The American President” (particularly interesting to watch if you’re a West Wing fan) you immediately notice that his dialogue is immediately identifiable and uniquely his own. If I fell into a coma for five years and in that five years Aaron Sorkin wrote something else and then it was shown to me when I awoke, I could identify it as Sorkin’s writing in under three minutes. It’s that distinctive. The words have a rhythm and structure to them so that they sound just like the way people really talk, yet somehow better. Its like what David Mamet tries to do but fails miserably at. (And yes I just called Aaron Sorkin a better writer than David Mamet. Get over it.) The most noticeable aspects of Sorkin’s dialogue though is its fast pace and how stunningly literate and articulate it is. Whether the fast pace is a result of, or merely reflective of, the dialogue’s intelligence is debatable, but what it does for sure is make the dialogue seem even more clever and articulate than it already is. Somehow people speaking clipped dialogue at a breakneck speed makes them seem not only intelligent, but also confident and very, very cool. Sorkin’s characters are all hyper-articulate and always know what to say. They never, even for a second, search for the right words. The right words are always right there on the tip of their tongue the exact moment they need them. They are able to instantly spout out any statistic or quote verbatim long passages of obscure laws whenever they need to. They know everything about everything and can speak at length about any of it. All of their opinions are well reasoned and perfectly phrased. They are endless clever, witty, sarcastic and can do banter like a Mamet character can do expletives. And it’s a testament to all the actors on the show that they can pull all of this off not only without seeming pretentious, or annoying, but more importantly that they can pull it off period. You never once stop to think, “there’s no way they could have known that off the top of their head” or, “there’s no way anyone could come up with a comeback that good that quickly”. It’s the selling of that illusion, that dream, that fantasy that more than anything else is what keeps me coming back for more. Sure the dream of an inspiring president, an idealistic passionate White House staff, and a government that supports and represents the best of the American ideal is something to hope for, but really I would give all that up for the chance to be able to actually talk like a Sorkin character in real life. And I think everyone who watches the show would either secretly or not so secretly agree. And that’s why Aaron Sorkin is unquestionably, indisputably, the best part about The West Wing. And why if I found a magic genie who could grant me one wish no matter how implausible or fantastical, I would want Aaron Sorkin to write my life. Because real life conversations and dialogue and situations are so much less exciting than they are on The West Wing. And that, ultimately, is the show’s greatest virtue. Sorkin himself once wrote a line accusing us (and Tom Cruise) of not being able to handle the truth. Well I can’t speak for us all, but I know that I for one CAN handle the truth; but Id just much prefer to handle The West Wing.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The National Champion Texas Longhorns!
2.) Lindsey Weir (Linda Cardellini) on "Freaks and Geeks"
3.) "Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans" (book)
3 & 1/2.) Dutchwest:
new column- http://dutchwestoven.blogspot.com/2005/12/andy-stokan-best-song-ive-ever-come.html
and my sketch acting debut- http://www.dutchwest.tv/webisodes/w15.html