Id Like to Thank and Not Thank the Academy

I know you. I know what you’re thinking. The Oscar nominations came out last Tuesday and still not a word from Fredtheonlinejournal? Is he dead? Has something happened? Is he not outraged by William Hurt’s nomination? Is he not thrilled over Amy Adams’ nomination? Is he not completely indifferent about Rachel Weiz’s nomination? Well yes, yes, and yes. And that’s why I am now FINALLY here to share with you all of my thoughts about something you could care less about. Enjoy.

* Is the fact that I slept soundly the night before Christmas, but I woke up 5 different times the night before the Oscar nominations just because I was worried my alarm might not go off and I would miss them some sort of statement about my life? Yes, I think it is. And not a good one.

* Ultimately despite the 2,000 following words to the contrary, as long as Munich, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams got nominated nothing else really matters. In addition to those three and the other nominations I'll discuss below, I was also really glad about the nominations for Catherine Keener, Paul Giamatti, Tony Kushner and the fact that Scarlett Johansson DIDN’T get nominated for her horrible work in Match Point.

* Just like last year’s Best Album Grammy category, this year’s Best Picture nominees should have been a complete and utter gimme, and yet they went horribly wrong somehow. Based on critical acclaim, popularity, prestige, importance, and that key indefinable intangible “Oscarness” there were exactly four glaringly obvious potential nominees (Brokeback, Munich, King Kong, and Crash (despite the fact its not any good)) and two very similar nominees left to battle for the 5th spot (Walk the Line, Cinderella Man). These nominees would have perfectly covered all the traditional requisite Oscar nominee categories: Sweeping epic love story (Brokeback, King Kong), important message movie (Brokeback, Crash, Munich), serious film by a well-respected director (Munich, Brokeback), little indie that could (Crash), overrated critics darling (Crash), cultural phenomenon (Brokeback), Peter Jackson blockbuster (King Kong), and Walk the Line and Cinderella Man could have duked it out for the “populist feel good hit based on a true story” slot. Oh yeah, and there’s also this: Munich, Brokeback, King Kong, Walk the Line and Cinderella Man were actually (in my opinion) the year’s five best movies. And when is there ever a realistic chance that the five best movies of the year could all get nominated for Best Picture? Well, never. So when that chance comes along of course the Academy doesn’t take it. Instead they fail to nominate King Kong because somehow making ONLY $225 million makes it a flop, Cinderella Man because Russell Crowe threw a phone at some guy, and Walk the Line because they are heartless idiots. Instead they chose to nominate Capote and Good Night and Good Luck. Now granted Capote was a great movie, but its not really Best Picture material and since the inexplicably unstoppable force of nature Crash already had a stranglehold on the “little indie that could” slot, nominating Capote seemed completely redundant. And Good Night and Good Luck reminded me of a Paul McCartney solo album - it sounds great while you’re listening to it, but as soon as it’s done it leaves your consciousness instantly. It has to be one of the slightest trifles of a movie ever to be nominated for Best Picture. It was over before it even got started and didn’t even remotely make me feel any sort of emotion of any kind during its entire ridiculously brief running time. And just for the record, that’s not a very difficult task. Plus it was too arty by half. Two minute long close-ups of people thinking and prolonged shots of empty rooms may get George Clooney a Best Director, but a good movie they do not necessarily make. Someone who wasn’t clearly trying to prove to the world that he was a serious and artistic director could have made the same movie, but much better. Anyway, point is, it should have been an such an easy year to pick the Best Picture nominees that only a group of morons could have screwed up. And so naturally the Academy screwed it up. I guess as long as they didn’t nominate A History of Violence I can live with it though. But boy if you thought last year’s nominees were a mediocre group (and by “you” I mean “me”) this year’s nominees, while slightly better, still make 2003 look like 1939 by comparison.

(Wow I didn’t fully realize how badly I need a life until I just reread that last sentence. Actually now I went back and reread that whole paragraph. Wow.)

* The Mystic River Memorial “Overrated Best Picture Nominee That People Will Watch 15 Years From Now And Think How The Hell Was That Nominated And That Hopefully The People Who Voted For It Will Have To Somehow Try And Explain Why It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time” Award (Try putting that on a trophy): Crash.
When Crash came out I heard people around school and on the Internet raving about Crash and how it was one of the best movies they had seen in a long time. So then, I went to see Crash. All I can say to those people is this - if you thought Crash was one of the best movies you’d seen in a long time not only do I feel very badly for you, but I also would recommend that you start watching better movies. (Unless of course you’re Roger Ebert, in which case you’ve just clearly confirmed the suspicions that you have completely lost your mind). From working at Blockbuster I well know that the average American movie goer only watches horror movies, unfunny “comedies” involving the Wilson brothers, and whatever was number one at the box office its opening weekend, and so the shock of being exposed to something serious like Crash must be overwhelming to their system. Somewhat like finding a carrot in a box of Goobers. (And yes I do realize that might possibly be the worst analogy in the history of recorded time). But nevertheless have we really sunk so low that two dimensional characters, hackneyed ridiculously implausible coincidences, and messages delivered so obviously they would insult the intelligence of a five year old are considered the makings of high art and good entertainment? (see also: A History of Violence; or better yet don’t.) (And if you think I’m anywhere close to being done taking digs at A History of Violence you’re sadly mistaken). And despite Crash’s flaws - even though every character was a two dimensional archetype/stereotype, and even though the movie had already stretched the interlocking storylines thing well past its breaking point – the movie could have still redeemed itself if one change had been made. The real make or break moment was when the kid got shot. At that moment I remember thinking, “oh my god if they kill the kid I forgive this movie all its sins, and if they don’t kill the kid I might seriously considering getting up and walking out”. And of course the kid was saved by some invisible magic cloak they stole from Harry Potter, and in doing so defined the whole movie in a nutshell. The movie takes no chances, says and does nothing new or provocative, and is generally toothless, completely predictable, and utterly implausible. Has our national discourse on controversial subjects really digressed to the level where simply putting characters who are racists in a movie constitutes a provocative examination of racism? If Spike Lee was still around today he would vomit on your face if you tried to tell him Crash was a provocative examination of racism. Either that or heckle you at a Knicks game. The only new thing I learned from Crash about race relations is that no matter what color you are, if you think Crash is a brilliant, groundbreaking movie, then you are an idiot.

(Also worth noting: Crash got nominated for Best Picture and yet it’s not even the best picture this year to feature Chris Bridges. That’s just Ludacris.)

(Also worth noting part 2: When one of the best scenes of your movie involves Ryan Phillippe that should be a sign there’s a problem. And speaking of Ryan Phillippe - can we start taking bets yet on how obnoxious on a scale of 1 to 10 he’s going to be at the Oscars? I’ve got 20 bucks on 9.5.)

* All that being said I do have to give the Academy some credit. They did get the Supporting Actress nominees 100% correct. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

* Now back to you’re regularly scheduled bitching: How the hell was Ray nominated last year and yet Walk the Line wasn’t nominated this year despite the fact that Walk the Line is about 500% better than Ray. Although to be fair to Ray through its incessant airings on HBO it has really kind of grown on me. Plus Richard Schiff is in it! Only with hair on his head on not his on his chin! The first time I realized this might have been one of the most exciting days of my life. It was like the exact opposite of the day I found out Rachel McAdams was 29. And speaking of Ray here’s a little SAT problem for you
Ray : HBO ::
A.) Remember the Titans : TNT
B.) Dave Chappelle - Killin’ Them Softly : Comedy Central’s Secret Stash
C.) Yankeeography : YES Network
D.) All of the above

* The Ethan Hawke “Supporting Actor Nominee Who It Seems Odd To Associate With The Phrase ‘Oscar Nominee’ And Yet It Doesn’t Really Matter Because A Year From Now No One Will Even Remember It Happened” Award – Matt Dillon
Matt Dillon is now officially the luckiest man on earth and if you ask why I say this clearly you are not a connoisseur of the film Wild Things. Although it must be said that Matt Dillon should be disqualified from all future award nominations for being tangentially associated with Entourage. And for once dating Cameron Diaz.

* The Charlize Theron “Who Knew They Could Act” Award – Keira Knightly
I remember walking out of Pride and Prejudice and almost everyone in my family including myself simultaneously saying “wow, Kiera Knightly should be nominated for SOMETHING for that”. And I remember thinking her getting an Oscar nomination could never happen and SHOULD never happen because there were already five such strong leading actress candidates, but yet somehow still wishing there was some way for her to be nominated without knocking one of the other women out. Well unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. Both Gwyneth and Joan Allen wound up getting snubbed for her to get in, and I’m conflicted as to how I feel about that. One the one hand they were both much better than her. But on the other hand, when you feel you like you discovered a performance yourself and were saying it deserved a nomination before that even seemed like a plausible idea to anyone else, you develop a strong personal rooting interest in that performance and it almost feels like some sort of personal validation now that it is indeed nominated. Its like discovering a hip new band six months before anyone else and then being able to say “I was listening to them six months ago” when everyone else starts to find out about them. And clearly I have lost all skill with metaphors. Anyway, point is although I’m still conflicted about it, I am ultimately still glad to see Keira Knightly get an Oscar nomination. It also restores my faith in the system that performances that aren’t heavily hyped by PR machines and the press can still get nominated. Because its one thing to go into a movie knowing, okay Felicity Huffman is a potential Oscar nominee for this role, and it’s a completely other thing to go into a movie with no expectations of anything other than a good time and then when its over thinking “that was just Oscar nomination worthy work” and then that actually coming to pass. So in short, congrats Keira. I had no idea you could act.

* The fact that “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” is nominated for Best Song makes me tremendously happy. And not just because watching them try and deal with the title and lyrics during the telecast will be tremendous fun, but also because it means Three 6 Mafia are now Oscar nominees. And what’s better than that really? Plus it makes me feel good about the Academy that they nominated “Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp” over “Whoop Dat Trick”. (As a side note to the none of you who have seen Hustle and Flow - how does “Whoop Dat Trick” become his hit song when “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is clearly the better song? This bothered me. I hope the filmmakers did that intentionally as a commentary on present day commercial hip hop even though I feel pretty sure they didn’t.) Its also worth noting that I now wish I could somehow retroactively make “its hard out here for a pimp” my high school yearbook quote.

* The Richard Linklater Memorial “Unexpected Yet Exciting and Deserving Screenplay Nominee” Award - Noah Baumbach.
The Squid and the Whale. Now there’s a good movie for ya folks. Extra points for actually unexpectedly incorporating both a squid and a whale. And also for being the best of the Sexually Frank Younger Brother sub-genre that sprung up this year (see also: Thumbsucker and You Me and Everyone We Know)

* Okay, this seems like as good a place as any to mention William Hurt’s nomination. Now granted Supporting Actor this year might be the weakest Oscar category in history. Paul Giamatti gives the only performance in the group that should even be mentioned in the same breath as the word “Oscar”. If I had to come up with five viable worthy nominees this year I honestly couldn’t do it. And believe me, I’ve tried. All that being said though, there is never any excuse to ever nominate William Hurt for ANYTHING. EVER! For any reason! Perhaps they missed the memo but William Hurt is the worst actor in the history of man. William Hurt makes Keanu Reeves look like Laurence Olivier. William Hurt makes Beyonce in the Pink Panther trailers look like Meryl Streep in Sophies Choice. William Hurt makes Jack Black in King Kong look like Jack Black in School of Rock. William Hurt, in short, is a TERRIBLE ACTOR. I wish nothing but harm on William Hurt for bringing such disgrace on not only the profession of acting but also on the speaking of the English language. After seeing William Hurt’s name in the opening credits of Syriana it caused me physical pain that I had unknowingly given money to a William Hurt movie. I will never see Children of a Lesser God just because I know Marlee Matlin was dating William Hurt at the time she was filming it. I really hate William Hurt more than words can describe and yet now he’s nominated (AGAIN) for an Oscar. And to top it off he’s nominated for A History of Violence. The worst movie of the year! And he was the worst thing about it!! And if it seems like I’m remaining even the slightest bit calm about this its only because my therapist has really been intensely helping me over the last week to deal with this issue. Otherwise I would have already lit my face on fire by now. Because that’s what the academy is daring me to do with nominations like this. Okay, its time to go retake my meds again…

(And yes I realize that passionately hating William Hurt is kind of random and a little bizarre but you know what, so is the ending of Donnie Darko. Wait, that didn’t relate to the point I was trying to make at all really. What am I even talking about?…)

* The Judy Dench Saucy Old British Nominee of the Year Award: Judy Dench.
Want to get nominated for an Oscar? Become old and British. Or just become Judy Dench. Because that’s all she had to do in order to get this nomination - simply be herself. As much as I love Judy Dench, you can't honestly say her work in Mrs. Henderson Presents was in any way award worthy. All she did was play “Judy Dench” and she’s played “Judy Dench” much better in previously movies. This year alone I thought she played “Judy Dench” much better in Pride and Prejudice than she did in Mrs. Henderson Presents. But whatever. She’s Judy Dench so you cant be too mad. But in a year when Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof and Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger were both left on the outside looking in, I AM mildly outraged that Judy Dench got nominated for simply AWOAB (Acting While Old And British).

* Like most Americans, I have a good David Strathairn story that I like to tell at parties. A few years ago I went to see a production of A Winters Tale at some Off-Broadway theater downtown. The production was awful and was the genesis of my “if the director’s note in the program is more than a page long, immediately leave the theater and try and get your money back” rule. What made the production particularly awful though was the guy who played Leontes. I had never seen him before in my life and I remember commenting to the people I was with that I couldn’t believe this guy could get any acting job at all, let alone the lead in A Winters Tale. He was so bad it was laughable. In fact I stayed for the second act just so I could make jokes to the people I was with about how bad he was. Of course this being my David Strathairn story it should come as no surprise to find out that I later learned that the man in question was a famous and respected actor named David Strathairn. The same David Strathairn who, even though he was clearly far less deserving than Russell Crowe, Jeff Daniels AND Eric Bana, is now an Oscar nominee. Its times like this that I think its wise that you don’t give a shit about Oscar nominations. And its times like this I think I should choose another hobby instead. Perhaps knitting. Then I could knit a gun. And shoot William Hurt in the face.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) “Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans” (book)
2.) Sufjan Stevens
3.) The Lady in the Water trailer
3 & 1/2.) Sarah Silverman in The Aristocrats

Thought of the Week:
Can some rapper please at some point use the line: “I’m the boss like Tony Danza / the way I spit this stanza”? I’m giving it away free of charge.

The only thing that gets me out of bed at 8:38 am on a Tuesday during break

There’s nothing quite as good as being an Oscar winner, but being an Oscar nominee comes close. If you never wind up winning an Oscar then at least you will get to be advertised as Oscar Nominee (Your Name Here) in all upcoming movie trailers and in your obituary. Plus you get to join such illustrious company as Queen Latifah, Rosie Perez, Eric Roberts, and Maria Ouspenskaya. You can overnight go from crappy/unknown actor to crappy/unknown actor with an Oscar nomination. It’s amazing really. Plus I hear the nominee luncheon is pretty bitchin’. And now we have a whole new crop of people who can add the illustrious title of Oscar Nominee to the front of their name and enjoy some pretty awesome free food. Good for them.

Before I share my thoughts though, I must first address one of my pet peeves. You can’t really be upset about someone not getting nominated if they were never even being considered. For example, I’m sure everyone will bitch about the omission of Eternal Sunshine but the old codgers that do the nominating were NEVER going to nominate it. It never had a prayer and everyone who knew anything knew this coming into today. So therefore it should be neither shocking nor outraging. If you want to be angry about Paul Giamatti that’s one thing, but being angry about Mark Wahlberg in I Heart Huckabees is uncouth and just makes you look stupid no matter how much in an ideal world he should have been nominated. But this isn’t an ideal world. It’s not run by me. It’s run by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. So deal with it. And now, without further adieu I present my thoughts on this year’s nominees, which considering what was being considered, are actually pretty good.

*Memo to the national news media: For the last time, Passion of the Christ AKA “Mel” and Fahrenheit 9/11 AKA “Moore” didn’t get “snubbed”, they just didn’t get nominated. In order for it to be a “snub” it have to have been considered in the first place, and no one this side of Idiotville ever thought either had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting anywhere near Oscar. Just because they were the highest profile movies of the year doesn’t mean they were ever being considered for Best Picture. I don’t remember anyone back in the day talking about how Armageddon or Men in Black got “snubbed”. They just didn’t get nominated. And the only reason Fahrenheit isn’t up for Best Documentary is because Michael Moore DIDN’T SUBMIT IT. It can’t be a “snub” if the director didn’t even bother to fill out the requisite paperwork. But then again I guess asking people to actually do a little research and have all the information before getting mad and crying “snub” would be too much to ask….
Okay I’m done.
For now.

*The Queen Latifah Memorial Worst Acting Nominee Award:
Natalie Portman for Best Supporting Actress- I know that any award that both Anna Paquin and Whoopi Goldberg have won isn’t like an actual valid award, but still, Natalie Portman in Closer? Really? Come on now, be honest, don’t you halfway suspect she didn’t actually memorize her lines for that movie and was merely reading them off large off-camera index cards? I mean that’s what it sure sounded like. Sure yes, she played a stripper and all, and yes, Natalie Portman playing a stripper does deserve some kind of award, but not an Oscar. A Blockbuster Entertainment Award maybe. Ah what the hell, the Oscars nominated Kathy Bates one year just for getting naked so why does it matter. And its not like her nomination really hurt anyone major. As they always say, “its all fun and games until someone gets snubbed”…

*…Alan Alda on the other hand…Okay maybe I was picking popcorn kernels out of my clothes and missed it, but he was even IN The Aviator? This was news to me. What isn’t news to me though is that Freddie Highmore from Finding Neverland WAS FREAKING AWESOME! I mean in past years Anna Paquin and Tatum O’Neal WON and this kid cant even get invited to the show? Explain. I mean Freddie was the man. Or I guess in this case, the boy. But whatever. I don’t think I would be exaggerating if I said it was the best performance by a child actor ever. I mean who has been better? And don’t gimme this Haley Joel Osmond stuff or I’ll hit you so hard so that he’ll be the only one who can see you if you know what I mean. Freddie is probably home crying right now and he’s probably doing a better job of it than anyone else could have done. Even that cry baby Imelda Staunton. (Inside joke there for the five people who saw Vera Drake…). Anyway I hope you nominator people are happy with yourselves. Maybe if Alan Alda dies before the ceremony Freddie can go in his place. I’ll have to get on that.

*Speaking of death: Clint Eastwood. For Best Actor? I think some people might have gotten a little carried away with their love for Million Dollar Baby. Eastwood cried. Great, give him a cookie. Not an Oscar. Although I can see how you might confuse the two. Of course what was not confusing was that Paul Giamatti was brilliant. And if he can’t get a nomination for Sideways then he never will. He should start a “The Academy Officially Hates Us” club with Jim Carrey and Steve Martin. Paul Giamatti not getting nominated for Best Actor is what we call a “snub”, boys and girls. And while we are talking about people beating out Paul Giamatti, may we also mention Don Cheadle and his ever-raising eyebrows? Seriously dude, get a sedative for those suckers. They make Jack Nicholson’s eyebrows seem immobile and underused by comparison. Might I also mention Johnny Depp, who in Finding Neverland takes understatement to whole new level? He was so understated in fact, that he made no statement at all. But I guess the black guy and the hot rebel white guy beat out the nerdy ugly guy and the Hispanic guy in the foreign language film (Javier Bardem) every time, so whatcha gonna do?

*That last entry was a little too similar structurally to the previous one. I apologize for that. It won’t happen again.

*In a development absolutely no one cares about besides me, how did Collateral not get nominated for best Cinematography? How the hell did this happen? And yes I am actually seriously upset about this. You should just feel lucky I restrained from making any Gordon Willis references. Okay I need a life…

*I really don’t know what to say about the Best Foreign Language Nominating process without using over 5,000 words, and since no one wants to read that much lemme just say this: Any year that produces The Sea Inside, A Very Long Engagement, Bad Education, Motorcycle Diaries, Maria Full of Grace and, to a much lesser degree, House of Flying Daggers, and winds up with its Foreign Film nominees including only ONE of those and then four films no one has heard of (well expect for that French Mr. Holland’s Opus knockoff) is a year that needs to be the impetus for the long overdue overhaul of the Foreign Film committee. But since the documentary committee only started to show signs of life about 15 years after the fact, suffice it to say I’m not holding out hope…

*The Chocolat Memorial Worst Best Picture Nominee Award
Ray- Jamie Foxx is great in it. It is thoroughly entertaining. It has so much universal appeal that even my Dad liked it. But it looks like it was edited by someone who simply read “Editing for Dummys” and then started splicing film together. And the ending was so clearly tacked on and unnecessary it screamed out “test screening mandated”. And the direction was pedestrian at best. And the whole thing seemed rather bland. And even my Dad liked it.
(Also: Is it a coincidence that its director, Best Director Nominee Taylor Hackford, has the word “Hack” in his name? I think not…)

*So Mick Jagger WINS the Golden Globe for best song and then doesn’t even get NOMINATED for an Oscar? Huh? Well I guess since not a single song from A Hard Day’s Night or Saturday Night Fever got nominated that’s about par for the course.

*Just as a public service announcement I think I should say that in case you haven’t seen Million Dollar Baby or are an idiot and waked out at some point in the first hour, it is not actually a boxing movie. Or a sports movie for that matter. Or about a wise black man helping people. Or anything that is even vaguely alluded to in the trailer. To find out what it IS about you have to, and I know this will sound crazy, WATCH THE WHOLE THING. Crazy concept…

*Since Tupac:Resurrection got nominated for Best Documentary I think the biggest suspense of Oscar night will be: what will Tupac be wearing? I only hope it wins because I bet his acceptance speech will be awesome!

*Well, other than the above-mentioned stuff I think the nominations were pretty much exactly what everyone predicted and a pretty good lot, considering that this is the worst year for Oscar worthy movies since 1996. So Ill be back soon with my Oscar Predictions and more banal rambling annoyances. Be there.

Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Europe
2.) Rilo Kiley- "Portions for Foxes"
3.) "Will in the World" by Stephen Greenblatt
3 & 1/2.) Snow