Ironic that the best thing about the most backwards looking and feeling Oscars of my lifetime was social media. Rather than having to sit and stew over an event I look forward to more than any other being almost completely laugh and excitement free I was able to turn instead to the venting hordes on the Internet for my amusement. And amuse they did. The Oscars have turned into twitter Christmas at this point with everyone bringing their absolute best jokes to save what's increasingly and worryingly looking like an event that has completely lost its way. But because of the quality of the competition, to tweet during the Oscars is to wade into an almost unwinnable war. Only the very best survive. The rest go here to this blog post to die.
This is my tweet-style recap of the thoughts I had during the telecast.
Enjoy!
*First off, let me say that I was really excited about Billy Crystal coming back to host. After years of pandering and gimmicks to try and get younger viewers who they shouldn't be so concerned about anyway, I thought Billy Crystal would get the Oscars back to being The Oscars. Well, be careful what you wish for. Because Billy Crystal did get the Oscars back to being the Oscars...from 15 years ago. Which is what I thought I wanted in theory, but I now realize I definitely dont want in practice. There's apparently a much finer line between pandering to the kids and staying relevant than I realized. Which means I really don't know where the Oscars go from here. It's troubling, but it's an issue for another day. For now, combining the best of twitter and the worst of Billy Crystal, I made a bunch of obvious hacky jokes about his hosting job over the course of the night and then just copied and pasted them here without any real thought or revision. Seemed fitting:
-Hey Billy Crystal, 1982 called and they want their opening back
-So now we know: the exact opposite of pandering to the youth demographic is a Billy Crystal musical number
-Seems like Bruce Villanch definitely gets out a lot
-Based on that opening I’m pretty sure that Billy Crystal still uses Netscape
-It appears that the mild chortle will be the night’s LOL
-It’s fitting that a night celebrating a black and white silent film is relying solely on humor that was popular in 1929
-Is it a bad sign for Billy Crystal that he got showed up humor-wise by the winner of Best Sound Editing?
-They’re probably racing through the ceremony because Billy Crytsal has a flight he has to catch straight back to the Catskills.
*Shit Oscars nerds say: "They started with Cinematography WTF?!? This is outrageous! Where is Best Supporting Actress?"
(BTW speaking of outrages...in the battle of Lubeski vs. Kaminski the winner is None of the Above? Way to ruin my night on the very first award. Richardson over Lubeski isn’t quite Hooper over Fincher but it’s probably at least Fletcher over Reitman. Also, Emmanuel Lubeski is now officially our Gordon Willis. Also, you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?)
*I love montages at the Oscars because they’re a great way for people to catch up who have never seen a movie before. Which leads me to the larger issue of who is it that thinks that the Oscars seem like an ideal place to advertise for the concept of watching movies? Because most people watching the Oscars probably have no idea what movies even are, right? “Man, this whole ‘movies’ thing sure sounds like something I should check out” seems to be what Oscar producers assume the viewing public at home is thinking.
*I love giving out the awards two at a time! I'm so glad that this show devoted to giving out awards is racing through the whole giving out awards part. It makes me very happy!
“Hey, non-famous people in the technical categories, go fuck yourselves” -The Academy
*Pretty sure Nick Nolte isn’t alive
*Wow, who knew Sandra Bullock was such a nerd? Good thing she apologized for her Mandarin having a German accent because I was definitely going to call her on that.
*Fun fact: Did you also know that Octavia Spencer is the first person to win an Oscar for making a pie out of her own shit? And that her crying face is the same as her normal face? And that it’s 2012 and apparently black women can still only win in the “help” category at the Oscars?
(Also, way to help The Help, guy walking Octavia Spencer to the stage.)
*Here you go Iran. Here’s an Oscar. Now please don’t mind when we start bombing the shit out of you.
(What’s the opposite of a parting gift?)
*Thank god they cut the performances of the two nominated songs because I would have hated to have missed that Cirque du Soleil show that was totally relevant and had a lot to do with movies.
*I’m glad Chris Rock had the balls to finally call out the animation industry for their horrible racism. What bigots those Pixar people are.
*Serious question: Was the Emma Stone/Ben Stiller presenter thing supposed to be a parody of Anne Hathaway/James Franco from last year? Because if so, I kind of liked it. If not, I definitely didn’t.
*Wait, the acting legend playing a gay man dying of cancer won an OSCAR?!? Now I really have seen everything. Also, very true Christopher Plummer. I know for sure that you are definitely humbled to be in the same company as Jonah Hill. (Or as my roommate called him, the white Al Roker)
*Serious rant: I’m sure I say this every year but I never understand when people say they’ve been preparing for their Oscar acceptance speech their whole life and then proceed to just list a bunch of names. First of all, were you really practicing saying the name of your agent and your PR people when you were 12? Also, that was what was most important for you to say in your fantasies about the greatest moment of your life? “One day I hope I can win an Oscar so that I can stand up in front of the world an thank the film’s producers”?
*Dressing like an Oscar statue is a little redundant at this point don’t you think Meryl Streep?
*An Academy Award for Flight of the Conchords; your move Lonely Island.
*When did Angelina Jolie become a rich man’s Hilary Swank?
(By the way, I still can’t believe that Hilary Swank was snubbed for War Horse)
Semi-speaking of which, here are by far the most discussed things of the Oscars 2012:
1. Angelina Jolie’s leg
2. Angelina Jolie’s arms
3. The actual results of the awards
*Greendale now having an Oscar has to be one the greatest accomplishments in community college history #JimRash #Community
*Seeing Werner Herzog at The Oscars gives me the greatest idea in history: have Werner Herzog produce The Oscars!
*Whenever they say “let’s watch some highlights from the Scientific and Technical Achievement Awards” they’re using the term “highlights” very loosely
*Quick quiz: Is If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front an Oscar nominated documentary or a Coheed and Cambria song? (I’m allowed to semi-recycle my own jokes)
*Pretty sure Undefeated winning is just a make up award for snubbing Hoop Dreams. Or Friday Night Lights. One of the two.
*“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pakistani women getting acid thrown in their faces, whatever, this is boring, where are the movie stars?” – nearly everyone during the Best Documentary Short acceptance speech
*Thank goodness Oprah has an Oscar now because her career has really been hurting. Maybe this will give it the boost it needs. Speaking of which, good thing they didn’t give Oprah her Oscar during the actual ceremony as that probably would have been terrible for buzz, ratings, and general interest.
*I always like the part in awards shows when they stop and remind us all that one day we’re gonna die.
*Well, at least I'm glad that I didn’t learn how to pronounce Hazanavicius for nothing. And glad we just gave Best Director to a guy most well-known for making French James Bond spoofs. Can’t wait for the Wayans Brothers to win next year.
*My reaction to Jean Dujardin winning:
Congrats to Roberto Benigni!
(Been nice knowing you!)
*My reaction to Meryl Streep winning:
Shock.
And then:
“Now she can’t win for August: Osage County!”
It was great to have a legitimate surprise at the Oscars. As much as I hate the people who want to see surprises just for the sake of seeing surprises, when you don’t know what’s coming you get a more genuine response. Nearly every other winner I nodded along knowingly and dispassionately when their names were called. I had already long ago processed my feelings on their win. But even though I was really pulling for Viola Davis, I found myself in the moment being unexpectedly excited and moved by Meryl’s win. Turns out I like her more than I even realized. Nice to learn something like that at the Oscars. Now imagine how great they’d be if there were absolutely no pundits and we had no idea at all who might win. That’d be pretty great.
(While we're talking about Best Actress let me just say that I thought Conan O’Brien was great in Albert Nobbs)
*Okay so by the end The Artist's win was inevitable. I really wish they wouldn't announce Director 30 minutes before they announce Picture. It's like puncturing a small hole in the balloon. By the time they get to Picture the air is almost all gone. But Best Director aside if you had any lingering doubts about what would win you should have simply watched the show. A telecast that old fashioned, that conservative, that careful not to offend could only be produced by a group that would find The Artist the Best Picture of the year. They were so into a movie that celebrated old Hollywood because they ARE old Hollywood. Not a novel observation I know, but one that rang especially clear tonight. Watching bit after bit fall thuddingly flat, wondering what exact the jokes were even supposed to be I saw clearly why comedies never get nominated. Looking at a tone deaf, airless, stuffy ceremony that could have taken place any time between now and 1962 I knew how The Kings Speech beat The Social Network. It made me wonder how something like No Country for Old Men ever won (and not just because that seems like the only people the country of Oscar is for).
The Oscars will always matter. They will always mean something. They will always be relevant because the dream of the Oscars and their cultural cache are unkillable at this point. But something happens to 84 year-olds. They get sick. And in this case, we're still desperately searching for the medicine.
Until next year comrades.
Showing posts with label Meryl Streep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Meryl Streep. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, January 17, 2011
Comedy Night Done Right: The 2011 Golden Globes on NBC
Every year the Golden Globes are about one thing: drunken Meryl Streep.
Meryl Streep giggling, rambling incoherently, and just generally being delightfully Streepian, is, as anyone who has ever read this blog should know, the highlight of the year nearly every year. But as Meryl Streep didn’t appear in a single movie in 2010 there was apparently no way the Hollywood Foreign Press could get her to show up to this year's awards. I firmly believe that all awards shows should be contractually obligated to include Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep in some form or fashion, but The Golden Globes wont heed my advice. Luckily this year though there was something else to improbably take Meryl’s place. Something to dominate the Golden Globes conversation. And that little globe of golden goodness was Ricky Gervais.
I wasn’t alive to see Bob Hope or Johnny Carson, but my earliest memories of awards show hosting were of Billy Crystal – a man cut from their same cloth. A man who told clever and well-crafted jokes about the nominated films more so than the nominated people. And even when he did he rib the stars he did it with a loving wink. It was always fairly funny, but also fairly safe and insider-y. And that was fine for its time. But we’ve changed as a society, and awards show hosting has yet to really catch up. With twitter and facebook and live-blogging, now the jokes the hosts tell seem weak and soft compared to the jokes we’re reading on our computer screens. They’re too polite and safe and nothing like the jokes you are simultaneously making with your friends. They are jokes told by insiders for the amusement of other insiders with the only problem being that the show is being watched by outsiders. Outsiders who no longer find Bruce Vilanch style one-liners particularly hip or funny. The Oscars have at least in the past decade seemed to acknowledge this problem and tried to get hosts from outside the establishment who could tell edgier jokes and get away with more biting material, but whenever they would hire a Chris Rock or a Jon Stewart the “establishment” would get cold feet and would neuter them to the point that a joke slamming Jude Law seemed so out of place that it caused a minor scandal. These young hip cutting-edge hosts never seemed like themselves in these situations. They seemed tame and safe and overly concerned with the feelings of the people in the room, which completely negated the point of having them there in the first place. And which made Ricky Gervais’s hosting gig last night seem so groundbreaking and buzz worthy by comparison. Because Ricky didn’t give a fuck. He told the jokes that we would tell. Jokes from an outsider intended to entertain an audience at home rather than a bunch of privledged celebrities we don’t know and will never even meet. Jokes with teeth and with a contemporary sensibility. And jokes that weren’t concerned with being nice but rather with, you know, being funny. He drank beer on stage, openly rooted for his favorite movie to win, and he spoke truth to power. He was one of us rather than one of them and in the process showed us what an awards show host can and should be in the 21st century. In today’s Everyone’s A Star Universe we no longer aspire to be one of them as much as we aspire for them to be one of us. Last night Ricky spoke for us and turned a thankless job into one we’re all thankful for. And even more importantly, he salvaged a Meryl-less Golden Globes.
Yes, Virginia there might not be a God but there is a Santa Claus.
Now on with the show….
-------
*What the fuck Christian Bale? That speech was supposed to be a fucking train wreck and yet it totally wasn’t. It wasn’t fucking amateur. It was really fucking good. But I’m trying to fucking do my job here, and how am I supposed to write jokes with you fucking being all fucking sane and reasonable and coherent? What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fucking understand? You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking annoying having somebody deliver a good speech when you already have a good joke ready to go regarding their speech being a train wreck? Give me a fucking answer! What don't you get about that? So you can deliver a good speech - ohhhhh, goooood for you. I hope it was fucking worth it, because my well crafted joke - it's useless now, isn't it? So get it right at the Oscars okay? For fucks sake.
*Speaking of speeches, I have no idea who you are Chris Colfer but your speech warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart.
(Also, you know you went to a performing arts college if as soon as Colfer’s speech was done your facebook news feed blew up like 9/11.) (What, too soon?)
*Why is Michael C. Hall’s beard a completely different color than the rest of his hair? Is it a cancer thing?
*I’m pretty sure that those people who came up to accept the award for Boardwalk Empire were associated with it in some way, but it was hard to tell because none of them were naked.
*I love how NBC acts like its relevant what time its shows air. It’s quaint.
*Lord knows I’ve been wrong with my predictions before, but I feel pretty confident that they should just start describing Perfect Couples as The Single Guy meets Inside Schwartz already. It would save us all some time.
*Only the Golden Globes president would still be able to personally remember a time when movies weren’t taken seriously or considered a respectable form of entertainment. You know because people were too busy with their gramophones and books of sonnets.
*I’m pretty sure that the existence of the Best Original Song category is how Burlesque got greenlit.
*I wonder if Michelle Williams is pissed that Diane Warren stole her haircut?
*Also, Annette Benning, you’re never gonna win and Oscar with hair like that. Only Al Pacino can win Oscars with that hair.
*Also: Bieber.
*Charming though he may be, absolutely nothing Robert Downey Jr. said made any sense.
*Whenever I listen to Nine Inch Nails I’m always struck by how much Trent Reznor sounds like a potential Golden Globe winner, so I’m glad that that’s finally come to pass.
*I don’t really keep up with celebrity news but I would venture to say that Sandra Bullock’s hair is probably the worst thing to ever happen to her.
*Aaron Sorkin has a way with words. And even though he used his speech to do the least necessary damage control ever, I loved every minute of it. Smart girls really do have more fun.
*Hey, does anybody know if Johnny Depp has an animated movie coming out any time soon?
*The new Green Hornet ads don’t really advertise the movie as much as they advertise how shockingly well “Gangstas Paradise” has held up.
*I love how Helena Bonham Carter seems to view fashion as a dare
*Robert De Niro – King of Comedy
also,
Claire Danes – Awards Show Juggernaut
(and User Of The Phrase “Holla”)
*Speaking of The Robert De Niro Comedy Hour, I’m glad he mentioned Awakenings as I was just thinking how’s that easily the most unjustly forgotten movie on his resume. You should really check it out.
*Time has not been kind to Tim The Tool Man Taylor
*At awards shows over the next month David O. Russell is gonna really start to hate sharing a first name with David Fincher
*By the end of February Natalie Portman is officially going to be able to claim the award for biggest disparity between weight when acting and weight when receiving awards for said acting.
*Gays, Jack Kevorkian, Jane Fonda, and atheism – it sure was a big night for all my fellow liberal pinko coast-dwelling elitists
*Congrats Social Network - well deserved. As Ricky Gervais said, justice prevails. And it’s nice that my favorite movie of the year is the Best Picture frontrunner for a change. I could get used to this.
*Lastly, now that the Big 8 categories other than Best Supporting Actress and Best Original Screenplay have been locked in, the next six weeks are about figuring out the nominees, bitching about the impending Winters Bone snub, giving the front runners time to work on their speeches, and writing jokes about James Franco and facebook. Fredtheonlinejournal likes this.
Meryl Streep giggling, rambling incoherently, and just generally being delightfully Streepian, is, as anyone who has ever read this blog should know, the highlight of the year nearly every year. But as Meryl Streep didn’t appear in a single movie in 2010 there was apparently no way the Hollywood Foreign Press could get her to show up to this year's awards. I firmly believe that all awards shows should be contractually obligated to include Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep in some form or fashion, but The Golden Globes wont heed my advice. Luckily this year though there was something else to improbably take Meryl’s place. Something to dominate the Golden Globes conversation. And that little globe of golden goodness was Ricky Gervais.
I wasn’t alive to see Bob Hope or Johnny Carson, but my earliest memories of awards show hosting were of Billy Crystal – a man cut from their same cloth. A man who told clever and well-crafted jokes about the nominated films more so than the nominated people. And even when he did he rib the stars he did it with a loving wink. It was always fairly funny, but also fairly safe and insider-y. And that was fine for its time. But we’ve changed as a society, and awards show hosting has yet to really catch up. With twitter and facebook and live-blogging, now the jokes the hosts tell seem weak and soft compared to the jokes we’re reading on our computer screens. They’re too polite and safe and nothing like the jokes you are simultaneously making with your friends. They are jokes told by insiders for the amusement of other insiders with the only problem being that the show is being watched by outsiders. Outsiders who no longer find Bruce Vilanch style one-liners particularly hip or funny. The Oscars have at least in the past decade seemed to acknowledge this problem and tried to get hosts from outside the establishment who could tell edgier jokes and get away with more biting material, but whenever they would hire a Chris Rock or a Jon Stewart the “establishment” would get cold feet and would neuter them to the point that a joke slamming Jude Law seemed so out of place that it caused a minor scandal. These young hip cutting-edge hosts never seemed like themselves in these situations. They seemed tame and safe and overly concerned with the feelings of the people in the room, which completely negated the point of having them there in the first place. And which made Ricky Gervais’s hosting gig last night seem so groundbreaking and buzz worthy by comparison. Because Ricky didn’t give a fuck. He told the jokes that we would tell. Jokes from an outsider intended to entertain an audience at home rather than a bunch of privledged celebrities we don’t know and will never even meet. Jokes with teeth and with a contemporary sensibility. And jokes that weren’t concerned with being nice but rather with, you know, being funny. He drank beer on stage, openly rooted for his favorite movie to win, and he spoke truth to power. He was one of us rather than one of them and in the process showed us what an awards show host can and should be in the 21st century. In today’s Everyone’s A Star Universe we no longer aspire to be one of them as much as we aspire for them to be one of us. Last night Ricky spoke for us and turned a thankless job into one we’re all thankful for. And even more importantly, he salvaged a Meryl-less Golden Globes.
Yes, Virginia there might not be a God but there is a Santa Claus.
Now on with the show….
-------
*What the fuck Christian Bale? That speech was supposed to be a fucking train wreck and yet it totally wasn’t. It wasn’t fucking amateur. It was really fucking good. But I’m trying to fucking do my job here, and how am I supposed to write jokes with you fucking being all fucking sane and reasonable and coherent? What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fucking understand? You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking annoying having somebody deliver a good speech when you already have a good joke ready to go regarding their speech being a train wreck? Give me a fucking answer! What don't you get about that? So you can deliver a good speech - ohhhhh, goooood for you. I hope it was fucking worth it, because my well crafted joke - it's useless now, isn't it? So get it right at the Oscars okay? For fucks sake.
*Speaking of speeches, I have no idea who you are Chris Colfer but your speech warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart.
(Also, you know you went to a performing arts college if as soon as Colfer’s speech was done your facebook news feed blew up like 9/11.) (What, too soon?)
*Why is Michael C. Hall’s beard a completely different color than the rest of his hair? Is it a cancer thing?
*I’m pretty sure that those people who came up to accept the award for Boardwalk Empire were associated with it in some way, but it was hard to tell because none of them were naked.
*I love how NBC acts like its relevant what time its shows air. It’s quaint.
*Lord knows I’ve been wrong with my predictions before, but I feel pretty confident that they should just start describing Perfect Couples as The Single Guy meets Inside Schwartz already. It would save us all some time.
*Only the Golden Globes president would still be able to personally remember a time when movies weren’t taken seriously or considered a respectable form of entertainment. You know because people were too busy with their gramophones and books of sonnets.
*I’m pretty sure that the existence of the Best Original Song category is how Burlesque got greenlit.
*I wonder if Michelle Williams is pissed that Diane Warren stole her haircut?
*Also, Annette Benning, you’re never gonna win and Oscar with hair like that. Only Al Pacino can win Oscars with that hair.
*Also: Bieber.
*Charming though he may be, absolutely nothing Robert Downey Jr. said made any sense.
*Whenever I listen to Nine Inch Nails I’m always struck by how much Trent Reznor sounds like a potential Golden Globe winner, so I’m glad that that’s finally come to pass.
*I don’t really keep up with celebrity news but I would venture to say that Sandra Bullock’s hair is probably the worst thing to ever happen to her.
*Aaron Sorkin has a way with words. And even though he used his speech to do the least necessary damage control ever, I loved every minute of it. Smart girls really do have more fun.
*Hey, does anybody know if Johnny Depp has an animated movie coming out any time soon?
*The new Green Hornet ads don’t really advertise the movie as much as they advertise how shockingly well “Gangstas Paradise” has held up.
*I love how Helena Bonham Carter seems to view fashion as a dare
*Robert De Niro – King of Comedy
also,
Claire Danes – Awards Show Juggernaut
(and User Of The Phrase “Holla”)
*Speaking of The Robert De Niro Comedy Hour, I’m glad he mentioned Awakenings as I was just thinking how’s that easily the most unjustly forgotten movie on his resume. You should really check it out.
*Time has not been kind to Tim The Tool Man Taylor
*At awards shows over the next month David O. Russell is gonna really start to hate sharing a first name with David Fincher
*By the end of February Natalie Portman is officially going to be able to claim the award for biggest disparity between weight when acting and weight when receiving awards for said acting.
*Gays, Jack Kevorkian, Jane Fonda, and atheism – it sure was a big night for all my fellow liberal pinko coast-dwelling elitists
*Congrats Social Network - well deserved. As Ricky Gervais said, justice prevails. And it’s nice that my favorite movie of the year is the Best Picture frontrunner for a change. I could get used to this.
*Lastly, now that the Big 8 categories other than Best Supporting Actress and Best Original Screenplay have been locked in, the next six weeks are about figuring out the nominees, bitching about the impending Winters Bone snub, giving the front runners time to work on their speeches, and writing jokes about James Franco and facebook. Fredtheonlinejournal likes this.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Pseudo Live-Blogging The Golden Globes 2010
8:06 - Pretty solid job, Mr. Gervais, but not outstanding. Still, always nice to have you around.
8:20 - So Mo'Nique gets an hour to speak, but Pete Doctor gets about five seconds tops? Maybe if he had taken 20 minutes to get to the stage...
8:28 - They're trying to break the world record for most shots of Penelope Cruz during a three hour telecast. They're going to obliterate it at this rate. I've counted 58 so far.
8:31 - MASSIVE UPSET ALERT! If you had Felicity Huffman in your "Most Embarrassingly Drunk" office pool, congrats! None of the rest of us saw that coming at all.
8:40 - I'm convinced that Al Pacino was so tired of being the obvious answer to the question "which formerly great actor has most lost his mind in old age?" that he decided to pay for Harrison Ford's lobotomy.
8:45 - After seeing Crazy Heart, I think T. Bone Burnett is an even bigger Oscar lock than Christoph Waltz. With that in mind, he really needs to work on his speech giving ability.
8:50 - Okay this night has officially turned into a Thank-Your-Spouse-Off. Thanks a lot, Mo'Nique...
8:52 - We can all agree on Amy Adams can't we?
8:56 - In terms of totally and completely changing your image from drug addled mess to family-friendly mainstream film star, Drew Barrymore is the female equivalent of Robert Downey Jr. isn't she? I mean does anyone even remember when she flashed David Letterman? That's all been swept under the rug at this point.
9:01 - Highlight of the year coming in 3...2...1...
"I wish my name was T-Bone"
JACKPOT!
Oh Meryl, I don't know how you do it (actually I do) but you never disappoint. All is right with the world for a whole nother year.
9:16 - Okay scratch that Drew Barrymore comment....
9:27 - So lemme get this straight Golden Globes: you knew Alec Baldwin wouldn't be there to accept if he won, and yet you still didn't give Best Comedy Actor to Steve Carell?
You knew Ricky Gervais was going to be hosting right?
9:34 - We're standing for Sophia Loren? Name a Sophia Loren movie other than Two Women (Nine doesn't count). You couldn't do it could you? So then why are we standing for her? Because she's not dead? I don't understand.
9:39 - If I played fantasy sports my team name would definitely be "Jon Hamm's Beard"
9:46 - Taylor Lautner how can you introduce (500) Days of Summer and not make some joke comparing it to you and Taylor Swift? There were at least three different perfect opportunities to do so. You're dead to me now. (Note: You were never alive to me)
9:47 - Rachel Dratch was in Hung? And she changed her name to Jane Adams?
9:47 - Chloe Sevigny I think that dress might be the most embarrassing and disgusting thing that has ever happened to you, and keep in mind that you once blew Vincent Gallo on film.
10:01 - Holy shit Marty, thats quite the imdb page you've got there
10:05 - I think Martin Scorsese might be the last person left on earth who still refers to movies as "pictures". It's endearing.
10:06 - So are we supposed to be taking Mel Gibson seriously again now? Is that a thing?
(Also, not to ruin Edge of Darkness for you, but it turns out that the Jews did it.)
10:17 - No more quoting from your own movie in your acceptance speeches James Cameron! Have you learned nothing?!?
10:19 - Holy shit. Who the hell is Olivia Wilde and where can I watch her do things?
10:25 - Hey it's Jodie Foster. See Lindsey Lohan, there is a classy way to be a former child star/questionable lesbian.
10:30 - Why is Ed Helms' song from The Hangover not considered a legitimate awards contender? Seriously, name five original songs from this year that are more memorable and important to their respective films than that one. You can't.
10:35 - Oh man, its good to have Mickey Rourke back in our lives again.
10:36 - Do we really live in a world where The Blind Side wins major awards? I don't know if this is a world I care to live in.
10:42 - Most underrated person in the world: Lauren Graham
10:47 - Ladies and gentlemen, your Best Actor Oscar race just got decided. George and Colin, thanks for playing.
10:57 - DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh. I'm going to bed.
8:20 - So Mo'Nique gets an hour to speak, but Pete Doctor gets about five seconds tops? Maybe if he had taken 20 minutes to get to the stage...
8:28 - They're trying to break the world record for most shots of Penelope Cruz during a three hour telecast. They're going to obliterate it at this rate. I've counted 58 so far.
8:31 - MASSIVE UPSET ALERT! If you had Felicity Huffman in your "Most Embarrassingly Drunk" office pool, congrats! None of the rest of us saw that coming at all.
8:40 - I'm convinced that Al Pacino was so tired of being the obvious answer to the question "which formerly great actor has most lost his mind in old age?" that he decided to pay for Harrison Ford's lobotomy.
8:45 - After seeing Crazy Heart, I think T. Bone Burnett is an even bigger Oscar lock than Christoph Waltz. With that in mind, he really needs to work on his speech giving ability.
8:50 - Okay this night has officially turned into a Thank-Your-Spouse-Off. Thanks a lot, Mo'Nique...
8:52 - We can all agree on Amy Adams can't we?
8:56 - In terms of totally and completely changing your image from drug addled mess to family-friendly mainstream film star, Drew Barrymore is the female equivalent of Robert Downey Jr. isn't she? I mean does anyone even remember when she flashed David Letterman? That's all been swept under the rug at this point.
9:01 - Highlight of the year coming in 3...2...1...
"I wish my name was T-Bone"
JACKPOT!
Oh Meryl, I don't know how you do it (actually I do) but you never disappoint. All is right with the world for a whole nother year.
9:16 - Okay scratch that Drew Barrymore comment....
9:27 - So lemme get this straight Golden Globes: you knew Alec Baldwin wouldn't be there to accept if he won, and yet you still didn't give Best Comedy Actor to Steve Carell?
You knew Ricky Gervais was going to be hosting right?
9:34 - We're standing for Sophia Loren? Name a Sophia Loren movie other than Two Women (Nine doesn't count). You couldn't do it could you? So then why are we standing for her? Because she's not dead? I don't understand.
9:39 - If I played fantasy sports my team name would definitely be "Jon Hamm's Beard"
9:46 - Taylor Lautner how can you introduce (500) Days of Summer and not make some joke comparing it to you and Taylor Swift? There were at least three different perfect opportunities to do so. You're dead to me now. (Note: You were never alive to me)
9:47 - Rachel Dratch was in Hung? And she changed her name to Jane Adams?
9:47 - Chloe Sevigny I think that dress might be the most embarrassing and disgusting thing that has ever happened to you, and keep in mind that you once blew Vincent Gallo on film.
10:01 - Holy shit Marty, thats quite the imdb page you've got there
10:05 - I think Martin Scorsese might be the last person left on earth who still refers to movies as "pictures". It's endearing.
10:06 - So are we supposed to be taking Mel Gibson seriously again now? Is that a thing?
(Also, not to ruin Edge of Darkness for you, but it turns out that the Jews did it.)
10:17 - No more quoting from your own movie in your acceptance speeches James Cameron! Have you learned nothing?!?
10:19 - Holy shit. Who the hell is Olivia Wilde and where can I watch her do things?
10:25 - Hey it's Jodie Foster. See Lindsey Lohan, there is a classy way to be a former child star/questionable lesbian.
10:30 - Why is Ed Helms' song from The Hangover not considered a legitimate awards contender? Seriously, name five original songs from this year that are more memorable and important to their respective films than that one. You can't.
10:35 - Oh man, its good to have Mickey Rourke back in our lives again.
10:36 - Do we really live in a world where The Blind Side wins major awards? I don't know if this is a world I care to live in.
10:42 - Most underrated person in the world: Lauren Graham
10:47 - Ladies and gentlemen, your Best Actor Oscar race just got decided. George and Colin, thanks for playing.
10:57 - DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh. I'm going to bed.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Drinking is Fun
Two fredtheonlinejournal entries in one week?!? That can only mean one thing. It must be award season! Indeed it is. What summer or football season are to normal well adjusted people, awards season is to me. It kicks off with the Golden Globes and runs til the Oscars including the Oscar nominations, guild awards and even the Grammys thrown in in between. But since all of that is in the future, a future that includes two more months and literally thousands of words typed, lets instead focus on what happened this past Monday night- The Golden Globes. The awards show where the results don’t matter and everyone is drunk. And celebrities drinking and then giving speeches is always a recipe for fun. Speaking of fun, here were my thoughts had while watching the show:
*The Golden Globes- the one night a year NBC is actually still relevant.
(Hard to believe what has happened to the network of my youth. Sad really. If you had told me ten years ago that NBC would be in 4th place and the butt of punch lines I would have never believed you.)
*As I’m sure I explained last year, The Golden Globes are only important in the impact they have on that year's Oscar race. After the Oscars have been awarded, no one will care or even remember who won the Golden Globes. But until the Oscars are awarded, those who won the Golden Globes are declared Oscar front-runners or at least have their chances of winning an Oscar significantly improved. So while the Golden Globes are of utmost importance now, three months of now they will be almost completely irrelevant. It’s like winning your division in baseball; it’s important when it happens but after the World Series it really doesn’t matter who won their division. The other way The Golden Globes matter is the speeches. It gives the Oscar locks a chance to work on their speech giving, and gives those still vying for an Oscar a chance to either help or hurt their cause with their speech. For example, last year Jamie Foxx wrapped up his Oscar with his Golden Globes speech and Annette Being killed off whatever chance she had with hers. So that’s my Golden Globes spiel.
*On that note: good speech there George Clooney. Too bad there’s no way in hell your winning Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars. Actually its not too bad, because well, lets face it, you don’t deserve it. But more on that at a later date.
(And just for the record I’m not too worried about my Oscar favorites in the supporting categories, Paul Giamatti and Amy Adams, because the Globes are notoriously off in predicting the supporting actor/actress races. So I wont lose too much sleep over the fact Rachel Weisz and George Clooney just won. And by “too much” I mean “more than 5 hours”.)
*Top 3 & 1/2 Acceptance Speeches:
1.) Geena Davis
2.) George Clooney
3.) Steve Carrell
3 & 1/2.) Hugh Laurie
*I don’t know anything about hair or makeup or fashion but I do know something about looking like shit, and Rachel Weisz, you look like shit. And Drew Barrymore…well I think that pretty goes without saying…
*If you’re ever onstage presenting an award, don’t clap after your partner announces each nominee. Also don’t be Jessica Alba.
*A short play:
“Person 1: Which one of the nominees won best supporting actress?
Person 2: Sandra.
Person 1: Oh.”
*A short letter:
Dear cast of Sideways,
Who’s the one with a major acting award now bitches?
Love,
Sandra Oh
*Are we sure that Nicolette Sheridan isn’t a man? Is it true that she’s dating Michel Bolton? Does that fact, if its true, make it more or less likely that she is in fact a man?
*Is there anyone alive besides me that remembers that Geena Davis won an Oscar once? How is it possible to allow people to completely forget that fact? Her publicist must suck worse than Tom Cruise’s sister.
*I hope that in addition to his win this year, Hugh Laurie wins at least the next two years in a row as well so in three years I can start making the joke “House always wins”. Seems like a long time to wait just for a joke, but then again…well…ummm…okay when I cant even come up with a punch line for THIS joke, clearly I’m pretty desperate.
*At awards show where it is has been clearly established that everyone there is drunk is there a more exciting phrase in the English language to hear than “Coming up next – Mariah Carey and Harrison Ford”?
*I for one cant believe that “Mambo #9” has been rewritten for use in an Applebee’s commercial. First Cadillac uses Led Zeppelin, and now this? Is nothing sacred anymore? Lou Bega Jr. must be rolling over in his grave.
*Harrison Ford: proving that you CAN look uncool while wearing an earring.
(And while we’re on the subject why has more not been made about the fact that Harrison Ford has in the last ten years gone from the biggest movie star in the world to a doddering nearly catatonic old man who seems to be completely and utterly bat-shit insane?)
*Okay, who let Penelope Cruz present again? Seriously, with the money Tom Cruise gave her to date him, can’t she buy some English lessons? Or some not looking like Paz Vega lessons?
*The Hispanic guy who won for scoring Brokeback Mountain said “Focus” in such a way that it sounded like he said “fuck us”. I laughed.
*Mandy Moore! (Just thought it was worth saying.) (As a side note: Zach Braff must die.)
*If you were to tell me that Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die as research for playing Johnny Cash, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised. In fact if you were to tell me Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die just because he felt like it, I wouldn’t be surprised either. And just for the record I have never ever said anything bad about Joaquin Phoenix ever. So if he asks you if I did, well, I didn’t. Please don’t eat my children Mr. Phoenix.
*Okay Ryan Phillippe, this is not The Ryan Phillippe Show, please stop trying to talk to people while they are giving their acceptance speech and please stop literally hanging on your wife in order to ensure that you’ll be seen on TV. We all know you cant handle the fact that your wife is a famous award winning movie star while you have yet to learn how to properly speak the English language, but get over it already. And we all also know the only reason you came all the way from Toronto to be there is because you wanted to be on TV and because your marriage counselor suggested you be there. So will you sit down now please? Thank you.
*Why isn’t more made about the fact that post-divorce Dennis Quaid’s career has skyrocketed while Meg Ryan has dropped off the face of the earth? This seems like a big and relatively interesting story to me and yet this fact is never mentioned. Why is this?
*It’s getting late in the show now and still no sign of Meryl Streep. This really can’t be! There cant be a Golden Globes without drunken Meryl Streep! That would be like having the Vibe Awards without gang-related gun violence. All year I look forward to Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance. Its always one of the highlights of the year and just the memory of it will keep my heart warm throughout the cold winter months that follow.
And you think I’m joking….
(And it’s not just me either. I called to my Mom the next day and the first thing she said when she answered the phone was ”where was drunken Meryl Streep?” So apparently drunken Meryl Streep is like a “thing” in my family. This explains so much about me…)
*I like how they made Felicity Huffman move tables after the TV awards were done, so that when she won for Transamerica she wasn’t stuck back with the lowly Desperate Housewifes women but instead was up with the movie stars. Then again she’s probably about two seconds away from getting Terri Hatcher to buy her a gun from Radio Shack and using it to shoot the whole lot of them. Or at least I hope she is. (As a side note: Is it humanly possible to dislike Felicity Huffman? I don’t think it is. I mean she’s just so likeable. And to top it off she’s married to William H. Macy.)
*And in closing, I think if I’m writing about this years Golden Globes I’m required by law to mention Scarlett Johnason’s dress. So there I mentioned it. Now can we all move on already? Jeeze, you people act like its 2003 or something…
Top 3 & 1/2 Sayings of the Week That I Don’t Think Will Catch On But That I Wish Would:
1.) “That’s shadier than taking guitar lessons from Dan Smith.”
2.) “That’s shorter than your moms penis.”
3.) “That’s less subtle than A History of Violence.”
3 & 1/2.) “That’s gayer than Bill O’Reilly.”
Thought of the Week:
I wish Id written this first:
http://www.fametracker.com/fame_audit/infangelina.shtml
*The Golden Globes- the one night a year NBC is actually still relevant.
(Hard to believe what has happened to the network of my youth. Sad really. If you had told me ten years ago that NBC would be in 4th place and the butt of punch lines I would have never believed you.)
*As I’m sure I explained last year, The Golden Globes are only important in the impact they have on that year's Oscar race. After the Oscars have been awarded, no one will care or even remember who won the Golden Globes. But until the Oscars are awarded, those who won the Golden Globes are declared Oscar front-runners or at least have their chances of winning an Oscar significantly improved. So while the Golden Globes are of utmost importance now, three months of now they will be almost completely irrelevant. It’s like winning your division in baseball; it’s important when it happens but after the World Series it really doesn’t matter who won their division. The other way The Golden Globes matter is the speeches. It gives the Oscar locks a chance to work on their speech giving, and gives those still vying for an Oscar a chance to either help or hurt their cause with their speech. For example, last year Jamie Foxx wrapped up his Oscar with his Golden Globes speech and Annette Being killed off whatever chance she had with hers. So that’s my Golden Globes spiel.
*On that note: good speech there George Clooney. Too bad there’s no way in hell your winning Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars. Actually its not too bad, because well, lets face it, you don’t deserve it. But more on that at a later date.
(And just for the record I’m not too worried about my Oscar favorites in the supporting categories, Paul Giamatti and Amy Adams, because the Globes are notoriously off in predicting the supporting actor/actress races. So I wont lose too much sleep over the fact Rachel Weisz and George Clooney just won. And by “too much” I mean “more than 5 hours”.)
*Top 3 & 1/2 Acceptance Speeches:
1.) Geena Davis
2.) George Clooney
3.) Steve Carrell
3 & 1/2.) Hugh Laurie
*I don’t know anything about hair or makeup or fashion but I do know something about looking like shit, and Rachel Weisz, you look like shit. And Drew Barrymore…well I think that pretty goes without saying…
*If you’re ever onstage presenting an award, don’t clap after your partner announces each nominee. Also don’t be Jessica Alba.
*A short play:
“Person 1: Which one of the nominees won best supporting actress?
Person 2: Sandra.
Person 1: Oh.”
*A short letter:
Dear cast of Sideways,
Who’s the one with a major acting award now bitches?
Love,
Sandra Oh
*Are we sure that Nicolette Sheridan isn’t a man? Is it true that she’s dating Michel Bolton? Does that fact, if its true, make it more or less likely that she is in fact a man?
*Is there anyone alive besides me that remembers that Geena Davis won an Oscar once? How is it possible to allow people to completely forget that fact? Her publicist must suck worse than Tom Cruise’s sister.
*I hope that in addition to his win this year, Hugh Laurie wins at least the next two years in a row as well so in three years I can start making the joke “House always wins”. Seems like a long time to wait just for a joke, but then again…well…ummm…okay when I cant even come up with a punch line for THIS joke, clearly I’m pretty desperate.
*At awards show where it is has been clearly established that everyone there is drunk is there a more exciting phrase in the English language to hear than “Coming up next – Mariah Carey and Harrison Ford”?
*I for one cant believe that “Mambo #9” has been rewritten for use in an Applebee’s commercial. First Cadillac uses Led Zeppelin, and now this? Is nothing sacred anymore? Lou Bega Jr. must be rolling over in his grave.
*Harrison Ford: proving that you CAN look uncool while wearing an earring.
(And while we’re on the subject why has more not been made about the fact that Harrison Ford has in the last ten years gone from the biggest movie star in the world to a doddering nearly catatonic old man who seems to be completely and utterly bat-shit insane?)
*Okay, who let Penelope Cruz present again? Seriously, with the money Tom Cruise gave her to date him, can’t she buy some English lessons? Or some not looking like Paz Vega lessons?
*The Hispanic guy who won for scoring Brokeback Mountain said “Focus” in such a way that it sounded like he said “fuck us”. I laughed.
*Mandy Moore! (Just thought it was worth saying.) (As a side note: Zach Braff must die.)
*If you were to tell me that Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die as research for playing Johnny Cash, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised. In fact if you were to tell me Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die just because he felt like it, I wouldn’t be surprised either. And just for the record I have never ever said anything bad about Joaquin Phoenix ever. So if he asks you if I did, well, I didn’t. Please don’t eat my children Mr. Phoenix.
*Okay Ryan Phillippe, this is not The Ryan Phillippe Show, please stop trying to talk to people while they are giving their acceptance speech and please stop literally hanging on your wife in order to ensure that you’ll be seen on TV. We all know you cant handle the fact that your wife is a famous award winning movie star while you have yet to learn how to properly speak the English language, but get over it already. And we all also know the only reason you came all the way from Toronto to be there is because you wanted to be on TV and because your marriage counselor suggested you be there. So will you sit down now please? Thank you.
*Why isn’t more made about the fact that post-divorce Dennis Quaid’s career has skyrocketed while Meg Ryan has dropped off the face of the earth? This seems like a big and relatively interesting story to me and yet this fact is never mentioned. Why is this?
*It’s getting late in the show now and still no sign of Meryl Streep. This really can’t be! There cant be a Golden Globes without drunken Meryl Streep! That would be like having the Vibe Awards without gang-related gun violence. All year I look forward to Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance. Its always one of the highlights of the year and just the memory of it will keep my heart warm throughout the cold winter months that follow.
And you think I’m joking….
(And it’s not just me either. I called to my Mom the next day and the first thing she said when she answered the phone was ”where was drunken Meryl Streep?” So apparently drunken Meryl Streep is like a “thing” in my family. This explains so much about me…)
*I like how they made Felicity Huffman move tables after the TV awards were done, so that when she won for Transamerica she wasn’t stuck back with the lowly Desperate Housewifes women but instead was up with the movie stars. Then again she’s probably about two seconds away from getting Terri Hatcher to buy her a gun from Radio Shack and using it to shoot the whole lot of them. Or at least I hope she is. (As a side note: Is it humanly possible to dislike Felicity Huffman? I don’t think it is. I mean she’s just so likeable. And to top it off she’s married to William H. Macy.)
*And in closing, I think if I’m writing about this years Golden Globes I’m required by law to mention Scarlett Johnason’s dress. So there I mentioned it. Now can we all move on already? Jeeze, you people act like its 2003 or something…
Top 3 & 1/2 Sayings of the Week That I Don’t Think Will Catch On But That I Wish Would:
1.) “That’s shadier than taking guitar lessons from Dan Smith.”
2.) “That’s shorter than your moms penis.”
3.) “That’s less subtle than A History of Violence.”
3 & 1/2.) “That’s gayer than Bill O’Reilly.”
Thought of the Week:
I wish Id written this first:
http://www.fametracker.com/fame_audit/infangelina.shtml
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