As some of you may know, while in college I used to write regularly in this here online journal. This was back when people still called them online journals, so you’ll have to bear with me as I transition into the 21st Century. Anyway, I’ve decided to start updating it regularly again and what better way to kick it off than with a good ol’ fashioned awards show round up.
I was supposed to be boycotting this year’s Emmys over the lack of outrage that Amy Ryan wasn’t nominated for Best Guest Actress in a Comedy Series, but there are too many questions that need to be answered for me to stay away. For instance, can someone who is waiting to start watching Mad Men until after the current season comes out on DVD watch an entire Emmycast without being exposed to any spoilers? Will this be the year people finally confess that they too think Alec Baldwin is overrated? What will Ricky Gervais do to further win America’s heart? Is Tina Fey the greatest person since Jesus? Will someone shoot Anna Paquin in the face? Answers to all these questions (hopefully) await at the 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards.
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-I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks, but the moment is finally at hand: “A tired boring old show that nobody cares about – next on CBS!”
(Just to be clear, I’m talking about the Emmys)
-Speaking of CBS, you know what’s hip with the kids these days? Musical numbers.
First the Oscars, now the Emmys. I wonder if the Grammys will follow suit….
-Shows that were not featured in the “Year in Comedy” montage: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Eastbound & Down, Flight of the Conchords, Party Down, Better of Ted. Apparently they didn’t happen this year, even though one of them is nominated for Best Comedy Series.
-Aaron Sorkin used to date Kristen Chenoweth. This just needs to be said.
(On a related note, how small does one have to be to technically qualify as a “little person”?)
-Sarah Silverman’s mustache FTW.
(Note: I really just wanted an excuse to finally use the phrase FTW only two years after it became cool to do so. Now if only someone could explain to me what the hell a LOLCat is.)
-So apparently Tony Shaloub still exists. Who knew?
-HAHAHAHA oh my God, you’ll have to excuse me because I’m just laughing so hard at that Two and a Half Men clip. HAHAHA you see, HAHAHA Charlie Sheen is like this HAHAHA oh, hold on, hold on, I can do this….he’s HAHA a ladies’ man HAHAHA and he’s in charge of raising HAHAHAHA oh my god – in charge of raising a KID! LOLOLOLOLOL!! OMG that shit KILLS ME! It’s just too funny.
-Ummm, Jon Cryer just won an award...yeah, so that happened.
-Wow, a person playing a character with multiple personalities just won an acting award. I did not see that coming.
-Wow, the girls from Gossip Girl aren’t funny and can’t read. I did not see that coming.
-Wow, I really can’t come up with a way to keep this joke structure going. I did not see that coming.
(Actually, I totally did)
Phrases that would have sounded implausibly absurd 10 years ago:
-President Barack Obama
-Two time Emmy Winner Justin Timberlake
-Academy Award Winner Mo’Nique (oh just you wait…)
-Holy shit, what a year for death. That might have been the most star-studded dead people montage of all time. Death really did some phenomenal/terrible work this year.
(And just in case you were wondering, yes, we do live in a world where Patrick Swayze gets more applause than Walter Cronkite. And that’s the way it is.)
-You know what show I would watch? Tracy Morgan standing in front of a live open mike for 30 minutes. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that shit and be on the edge of your seat for every second of it.
-Wait, the three nominees for Breakthrough Performance of the Year are a scene from True Blood, a kiss on Gossip Girl and Kris Allen winning American Idol? Those are the three finalists? For the whole year? Who narrowed it down to those three options? Oh…random people who voted on the Internet? Remind me and my blog again why we take the opinions of random people on the Internet seriously.
-On the flip side, the thing from the Internet (Dr. Horrible) was the best part of the show. O Internet, why must I have such a conflicted relationship with you?
-You know what awards shows don’t have near enough of? Awards for Jon Stewart. Seriously, if the American Music Awards gave awards to Jon Stewart I would totally watch them.
-Between Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Will Farrell doing George Bush, Tina Fay doing Sarah Palin, and Obama doing Obama I was already writing that the variety show montage was a leftist’s wet dream and then they had to go and end it with Barbara Streisand blowing kisses to Sean Penn at The Kennedy Center.
I think I just came a little.
Free federally funded gay marriage abortions for everyone!
-Hey it’s Ben Schwartz! Winning an Emmy! It took a lot for me to root against “Motherlover” but Ben just made it worth it by drastically raising the bar in the Most Successful Person I know competition. So congrats on that. (The Emmy is nice too I guess.)
-You know what I like best about Dancing with the Stars (well, besides none of it) – the dancing when there are no stars involved.
Reasons Jon Stewart is God
-He let one of his writers give the acceptance speech for the writing award even though he himself is technically the head writer
-From hosting the Oscars he knows how hard it is to be an awards show host, so he devoted a good chunk of his limited speech time to giving Neil Patrick Harris support and encouragement
-He kept the rest of his speech short, funny and heartfelt
-Hey you know how you think it’s an outrage that no one watched The Wire back when it was on? And how the thought of its comically low ratings makes your heart hurt in all the sad places? And how you feel very strongly that if humanity can’t support a show like The Wire then maybe we should just give up as a species and pray that in our absence something better and more deserving will evolve to take our place? Well you can’t think any of that if you didn’t watch David Simon’s Generation Kill. It was challenging, complex, complicated, and often tedious and confusing. It was also probably the best meditation and examination of modern warfare since Apocalypse Now. And it just lost the Emmy for Best Miniseries to someone or something called “Little Dorrit”
-And the award for most terrifying awards show acceptance speech ever goes to…Michael Emmerson! I’m unsure whether he was thanking his agents or threatening to murder them. I’m also unsure if what he does on Lost can be categorized as “acting”.
-Remember the days when people used the terms “nerd” and “geek” like they were bad things? On some level I think we might have swung too far on the other direction. I guess what I’m trying to say is, every now and then I need a good wedgie. We all do, dammit.
-It’s ironic that Jon Hamm is never going to win an Emmy solely because of the exactly one other drama series on his own network.
-30 Rock had a wildly uneven year and Alec Baldwin was even more overrated than usual. The Office had its best season ever and Steve Carell did some of the best non-Gervais work ever on a comedy series. So naturally 30 Rock and Alec Baldwin won again.
-And in a category I know nothing about and have no opinion on, Glen Close once again beats Holly Hunter, Zoey Bartlett, and the monster that ate Kyra Sedgwick.
-Finally, with all the Kanye jokes being tossed around, I think its worth stating that I’m starting to think Kanye/Swift might have been an inside job. I mean think about it, other than that incident it would have been an incident and controversy free VMAs. Would MTV really allow that to happen? And they learned from the Bruno/Eminem stunt that if it leaks out that it was staged then no one cares anymore. So with the Kanye thing you don’t need to rehearse it, it doesn’t take much to pull off, and everyone wins. Taylor Swift wins because it gets her in the headlines and massive amounts of sympathy. Beyonce wins because she looks like a hero. And MTV obviously wins big time. Hell, even Jay Leno wins if you want to take it that far. The question is what does Kanye get out of it? Well a rapper who releases an album of strange songs about pain and heartbreak that feature him signing in auto-tune is clearly someone who doesn’t really care what others think. He’s been trying to cultivate a rep for a while now as an eccentric genius. And in a world where people on reality shows actively try to be as unlikable and hateful as possible we certainly live in a “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” world. I mean there’s not a person alive now who doesn’t know who Kanye West is. And you’re telling me when he releases a new album with some super catchy radio-friendly jams people won’t go out and buy it? I think maybe he didn’t realize how strong the vitriol against him would be, but I don’t think it’s out of the question that Kanye would have agreed to the stunt if MTV promised him massive promotion when his next album comes out. I’m not necessarily saying the whole thing was staged, but I am saying if it turned out that it was an inside job I wouldn’t be remotely surprised. Then again I had a dream last night that Toby Keith interrupted Jordin Sparks’ acceptance speech at the People’s Choice Awards so maybe I’ve been thinking about this whole thing way too much and maybe I’m turning into a crazy person. So it’s probably best to just disregard everything I’ve said.
Showing posts with label Jon Stewart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jon Stewart. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, March 10, 2006
The Show That Sent Me Into Therapy
The Oscars. The Big Show. The Jewish Christmas. The Gay Super Bowl. The One Night a Year E! is Relevant. The Academy Awards are many things. But are they something that people still care about almost a week after the fact? Well we’re about to find out. Because as with any great tragedy its taken me about a week to be able to talk about them without breaking down emotionally. But I would hate for some half-baked, mediocre, and now outdated jokes to go to waste. So without further adieu, I give you my Oscar recap:
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* To paraphrase something my roommate Dave said, I’m glad they did Supporting Actor first so we can relax the rest of night without having to worry that we might see any film clips of William Hurt.
* Martin McDonough has an Oscar now! Take that David Mamet!
(Actually they might be friends for all I know. Still, wouldn’t a playwright feud be awesome? It would be the exact opposite of a rapper feud.)
* It might just be me, but I feel like Dolly Parton might have had some work done at some point.
* Are Tom Cruise’s home movies eligible for Best Documentary Short Subject?
* Remember how the technical nominees last year had to receive their awards from the audience? Notice how no one mentioned the fact that they went back to the old way this year? Interesting how it was like last year never happened wasn’t it? Wouldn’t those last three sentences have worked much better as statements rather than questions?
* With Jack Nicholson it’s hard to know whether the girl sitting next to him is his daughter or his date. I think it’s about 50/50 odds either way.
* The Wallace and Grommit guys would make great final round subjects on the inevitable future game show version of the popular guessing game “Gay or European?”
* New product alert: Tab Pink Energy Drink for Women! Their slogan is “The fuel to feel fabulous”. I don't even know what to say about this. I’m literally speechless. But if I could speak, I think the first thing I would say is “thank you God for the greatest product in the history of the world”. This is gonna make the wheel look Blue Raspbery Pepsi.
* I think if you’re a straight male the only way winning an Oscar would hurt your sex life is if the Oscar you won was for Best Makeup.
* Oscar Voiceover Announcer Guy: “When we come back Will Farrell Steve Carell will take the stage”
Me: Where will they take it to?
(By the way announcer guy, nice job of seconds after she won announcing that, “Rachel Weisz has also been seen in The Mummy and The Mummy 2”. Way to knock her down about 10 levels during the biggest moment of her life.)
* Hey, it’s Russell Crowe! Who let him near the Oscars?
(By the way, has anyone made the joke yet that it’s a good thing for that hotel concierge’s sake that Russell was only trying to call his wife and not email her? Just checking.)
* A quick word about Jon Stewart: I thought he did about as well as The Academy will ever allow anyone to do. I know his writers were told they couldn’t do a lot of the jokes they wanted because they wouldn’t fly with a mainstream middle-America audience and that’s a shame, but I understand. Taking that into account, and also keeping in mind that as a first time host he was on a very short leash, I thought he did a great job. Usually after the monologue is over you never think about the host the rest of the night, but I thought his constant jokes during the show were what kept people watching and entertained. Every time the camera panned to Jon you knew you were going to laugh. My only complaint is that they didn’t let him do enough. His monologue was too short and they really underutilized him. Much like Ellen at the Emmys. But some of the “ad-lib” jokes and the gay cowboy montage were classic Jon Stewart. And nothing beats that. Not even Billy Crystal.
* I know there was a lot of suspense over whether or not Crash would upset Brokeback for Best Picture, but I think that the most suspense and tension filled moment of the evening was the last thirty seconds of Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech. Because as the clock was winding down towards the speech’s evitable end the entire nation sat in rapt attention wanting to know the answer to the question we’d wondered about for months: would she forget to thank Ryan Phillippe? About half the speech had gone by and she still hadn’t done it yet. The cameraman then fixed the picture straight on Ryan and the tension was becoming almost unbearable. What would Ryan do if she forgot? Would he pull a gun out of his pocket and shoot himself in the face on live TV? Would he curl up into the fetal position and start bawling hysterically? Would the resultant therapy bills bankrupt their family? But alas, she finally did mention her husband, and so unfortunately Ryan Phillippe would live to see another day. Nevertheless it was the highlight of the night.
(Although on two related notes: I don’t think it’s ever a good sign if your wife seems more enthusiastic about thanking a guy named T-Bone than she is about thanking you. And also – have you ever seen a worse job of pretending to be excited than when Reese Witherspoon came into the pressroom and announced how excited she was that her husband’s movie had just won Best Picture? And keep in mind this was coming from a person who had just won an award called “Best Actress”. I think Keanu Reeves could have done a better job of acting excited than that. And he’s a cyborg!)
* After watching the In Memorandum montage I realized not only was this a bad year for movies it was also a bad year for death. When Richard Pryor gets the last spot in the montage you know it was really not a good year for death.
* I have a confession to make. When she came on stage to present Best Actor I actually thought for a brief moment “Wow, Hillary Swank is kind of hot.” And then the Earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. It was very traumatizing and I’d prefer not to talk about it. Actually, can we just pretend we never had this conversation?
* I made a joke last year about how I should have Morgan Freeman narrate my home movies just to see if that could get them to win an Oscar…Well ladies and gentlemen, I present to you March of the Penguins.
*Yes! King Kong won for sound mixing! Thank god! Cuz, let me tell you something - the sound in the movie was mixed like a fucking yogurt parfait.
(I don’t even know what that means. But I DO know that the guy who invented analogies is rolling over in his grave. As is the guy who invented irony. And humor.)
* I’m glad they included genocide on the list of controversial issues that movies have taken on because I know that before movies were made about genocide most people were very pro-genocide. But Schindler’s List was really able to change a lot of minds.
* I just saw an ad for a new reality show where they’re going to find America’s “Next Great Inventor”. All I know is, whoever wins that show is gonna have to wrestle that title away from the person who invented Pib Energy Drink for Women
* When the Academy President was making his speech about the importance of seeing movies on the big screen and he said, “No actor has ever finished a take and thought, ‘that’ll look good on DVD’” he clearly was forgetting about Pauley Shore.
* While listening to Brokeback composer Gustavo Santaolalla’s acceptance speech I realized that almost no one involved with Brokeback can properly articulate the English language – Gustavo, Ang Lee, Heath Ledger…the list goes on and on.
* Top 3 & 1/2 Moments:
1.) Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin’s Altman tribute (the fact that Jennifer Aniston didn’t get it tells you all you need to know about why Jennifer Aniston will never win an Oscar or even have a viable film career for that matter.)
2.) George Clooney’s Speech
3.) Three 6 Mafia’s speech
3 & 1/2.) All of Jon Stewart’s jokes throughout the night but especially “Please welcome Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson – two talented brothers; which is also a good way to describe the Baldwin family.” (By far the best joke of the night)
* Not that it wasn’t a great moment, but it’s interesting that such a big deal was made about “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. People like Ludacris kept saying it was a huge break thru for hip-hop. Did everyone forget that a rap song had won Best Song previously? Eminem won for “Lose Yourself” just two years ago yet somehow no one seemed to acknowledge this fact. It’s as though “Lose Yourself” wasn’t valid hip-hop, although I would say that not even showing up for the Oscars is way more “hip-hop” than changing the words to your song so they’ll be acceptable for children and then thanking Gilbert Cates and George Clooney in your acceptance speech. Nothing against Three 6 Mafia, but when people say that their win was a breakthrough for hip-hop, it seems that what they are REALY saying is that it was a breakthrough for BLACK hip-hop and validation for a large segment of the BLACK community. That’s why Eminem doesn’t count. And yet I have heard absolutely no one mention this angle. See boys and girls, this is how race and race relations work in the real world. Which leads into my last item…
* Okay, so I don’t want to go over it again, but as you might be able to tell, I’m still furious that Crash won Best Picture. Actually as more time has passed I’ve become more upset about it winning Best Original Screenplay than about it wining Best Picture. I seriously think you could do the script without changing a single word as a comedy. Just like with Chekhov! I was rereading my Oscar review from last year and was reminded how livid I was about Beyonce singing all the songs. Well multiply that by 10 and that’s how upset I STILL am about this Crash thing. I seriously need to find a good therapist. Since I don’t know what else to say about it I’ll leave you with this:
(I wrote this down about halfway through the telecast before Crash had won a single award yet.)
“The Academy members DO realize that they nominated a movie that features Ludacris, Brendan Fraser AND Tony Danza for Best Picture right?”
I think that says all you need to know.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Darkness – “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (album)
2.) Newman’s Own Ginger O’s Cookies
3.) Astoria
3 & 1/2.) Dave Chappelle’s Block Party
Thought of the Week:
Well its not so much a thought as it is a brain teaser, but someone asked me this at work and trying to figure it out kept me mentally entertained for a good five minutes, which breaks the “longest period of time I’ve been entertained at work” record by a good 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Anyway, here it:
Name the four U.S. Presidents whose last names end with the letter E.
(hint: you gotta know your obscure presidents)
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* To paraphrase something my roommate Dave said, I’m glad they did Supporting Actor first so we can relax the rest of night without having to worry that we might see any film clips of William Hurt.
* Martin McDonough has an Oscar now! Take that David Mamet!
(Actually they might be friends for all I know. Still, wouldn’t a playwright feud be awesome? It would be the exact opposite of a rapper feud.)
* It might just be me, but I feel like Dolly Parton might have had some work done at some point.
* Are Tom Cruise’s home movies eligible for Best Documentary Short Subject?
* Remember how the technical nominees last year had to receive their awards from the audience? Notice how no one mentioned the fact that they went back to the old way this year? Interesting how it was like last year never happened wasn’t it? Wouldn’t those last three sentences have worked much better as statements rather than questions?
* With Jack Nicholson it’s hard to know whether the girl sitting next to him is his daughter or his date. I think it’s about 50/50 odds either way.
* The Wallace and Grommit guys would make great final round subjects on the inevitable future game show version of the popular guessing game “Gay or European?”
* New product alert: Tab Pink Energy Drink for Women! Their slogan is “The fuel to feel fabulous”. I don't even know what to say about this. I’m literally speechless. But if I could speak, I think the first thing I would say is “thank you God for the greatest product in the history of the world”. This is gonna make the wheel look Blue Raspbery Pepsi.
* I think if you’re a straight male the only way winning an Oscar would hurt your sex life is if the Oscar you won was for Best Makeup.
* Oscar Voiceover Announcer Guy: “When we come back Will Farrell Steve Carell will take the stage”
Me: Where will they take it to?
(By the way announcer guy, nice job of seconds after she won announcing that, “Rachel Weisz has also been seen in The Mummy and The Mummy 2”. Way to knock her down about 10 levels during the biggest moment of her life.)
* Hey, it’s Russell Crowe! Who let him near the Oscars?
(By the way, has anyone made the joke yet that it’s a good thing for that hotel concierge’s sake that Russell was only trying to call his wife and not email her? Just checking.)
* A quick word about Jon Stewart: I thought he did about as well as The Academy will ever allow anyone to do. I know his writers were told they couldn’t do a lot of the jokes they wanted because they wouldn’t fly with a mainstream middle-America audience and that’s a shame, but I understand. Taking that into account, and also keeping in mind that as a first time host he was on a very short leash, I thought he did a great job. Usually after the monologue is over you never think about the host the rest of the night, but I thought his constant jokes during the show were what kept people watching and entertained. Every time the camera panned to Jon you knew you were going to laugh. My only complaint is that they didn’t let him do enough. His monologue was too short and they really underutilized him. Much like Ellen at the Emmys. But some of the “ad-lib” jokes and the gay cowboy montage were classic Jon Stewart. And nothing beats that. Not even Billy Crystal.
* I know there was a lot of suspense over whether or not Crash would upset Brokeback for Best Picture, but I think that the most suspense and tension filled moment of the evening was the last thirty seconds of Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech. Because as the clock was winding down towards the speech’s evitable end the entire nation sat in rapt attention wanting to know the answer to the question we’d wondered about for months: would she forget to thank Ryan Phillippe? About half the speech had gone by and she still hadn’t done it yet. The cameraman then fixed the picture straight on Ryan and the tension was becoming almost unbearable. What would Ryan do if she forgot? Would he pull a gun out of his pocket and shoot himself in the face on live TV? Would he curl up into the fetal position and start bawling hysterically? Would the resultant therapy bills bankrupt their family? But alas, she finally did mention her husband, and so unfortunately Ryan Phillippe would live to see another day. Nevertheless it was the highlight of the night.
(Although on two related notes: I don’t think it’s ever a good sign if your wife seems more enthusiastic about thanking a guy named T-Bone than she is about thanking you. And also – have you ever seen a worse job of pretending to be excited than when Reese Witherspoon came into the pressroom and announced how excited she was that her husband’s movie had just won Best Picture? And keep in mind this was coming from a person who had just won an award called “Best Actress”. I think Keanu Reeves could have done a better job of acting excited than that. And he’s a cyborg!)
* After watching the In Memorandum montage I realized not only was this a bad year for movies it was also a bad year for death. When Richard Pryor gets the last spot in the montage you know it was really not a good year for death.
* I have a confession to make. When she came on stage to present Best Actor I actually thought for a brief moment “Wow, Hillary Swank is kind of hot.” And then the Earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. It was very traumatizing and I’d prefer not to talk about it. Actually, can we just pretend we never had this conversation?
* I made a joke last year about how I should have Morgan Freeman narrate my home movies just to see if that could get them to win an Oscar…Well ladies and gentlemen, I present to you March of the Penguins.
*Yes! King Kong won for sound mixing! Thank god! Cuz, let me tell you something - the sound in the movie was mixed like a fucking yogurt parfait.
(I don’t even know what that means. But I DO know that the guy who invented analogies is rolling over in his grave. As is the guy who invented irony. And humor.)
* I’m glad they included genocide on the list of controversial issues that movies have taken on because I know that before movies were made about genocide most people were very pro-genocide. But Schindler’s List was really able to change a lot of minds.
* I just saw an ad for a new reality show where they’re going to find America’s “Next Great Inventor”. All I know is, whoever wins that show is gonna have to wrestle that title away from the person who invented Pib Energy Drink for Women
* When the Academy President was making his speech about the importance of seeing movies on the big screen and he said, “No actor has ever finished a take and thought, ‘that’ll look good on DVD’” he clearly was forgetting about Pauley Shore.
* While listening to Brokeback composer Gustavo Santaolalla’s acceptance speech I realized that almost no one involved with Brokeback can properly articulate the English language – Gustavo, Ang Lee, Heath Ledger…the list goes on and on.
* Top 3 & 1/2 Moments:
1.) Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin’s Altman tribute (the fact that Jennifer Aniston didn’t get it tells you all you need to know about why Jennifer Aniston will never win an Oscar or even have a viable film career for that matter.)
2.) George Clooney’s Speech
3.) Three 6 Mafia’s speech
3 & 1/2.) All of Jon Stewart’s jokes throughout the night but especially “Please welcome Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson – two talented brothers; which is also a good way to describe the Baldwin family.” (By far the best joke of the night)
* Not that it wasn’t a great moment, but it’s interesting that such a big deal was made about “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. People like Ludacris kept saying it was a huge break thru for hip-hop. Did everyone forget that a rap song had won Best Song previously? Eminem won for “Lose Yourself” just two years ago yet somehow no one seemed to acknowledge this fact. It’s as though “Lose Yourself” wasn’t valid hip-hop, although I would say that not even showing up for the Oscars is way more “hip-hop” than changing the words to your song so they’ll be acceptable for children and then thanking Gilbert Cates and George Clooney in your acceptance speech. Nothing against Three 6 Mafia, but when people say that their win was a breakthrough for hip-hop, it seems that what they are REALY saying is that it was a breakthrough for BLACK hip-hop and validation for a large segment of the BLACK community. That’s why Eminem doesn’t count. And yet I have heard absolutely no one mention this angle. See boys and girls, this is how race and race relations work in the real world. Which leads into my last item…
* Okay, so I don’t want to go over it again, but as you might be able to tell, I’m still furious that Crash won Best Picture. Actually as more time has passed I’ve become more upset about it winning Best Original Screenplay than about it wining Best Picture. I seriously think you could do the script without changing a single word as a comedy. Just like with Chekhov! I was rereading my Oscar review from last year and was reminded how livid I was about Beyonce singing all the songs. Well multiply that by 10 and that’s how upset I STILL am about this Crash thing. I seriously need to find a good therapist. Since I don’t know what else to say about it I’ll leave you with this:
(I wrote this down about halfway through the telecast before Crash had won a single award yet.)
“The Academy members DO realize that they nominated a movie that features Ludacris, Brendan Fraser AND Tony Danza for Best Picture right?”
I think that says all you need to know.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Darkness – “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (album)
2.) Newman’s Own Ginger O’s Cookies
3.) Astoria
3 & 1/2.) Dave Chappelle’s Block Party
Thought of the Week:
Well its not so much a thought as it is a brain teaser, but someone asked me this at work and trying to figure it out kept me mentally entertained for a good five minutes, which breaks the “longest period of time I’ve been entertained at work” record by a good 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Anyway, here it:
Name the four U.S. Presidents whose last names end with the letter E.
(hint: you gotta know your obscure presidents)
Monday, May 16, 2005
Advice From God
Due to the countless hours spent editing and adding on to last week’s entry, along with many other factors, including incredible amounts of laziness, the Graduation Edition of Marymount Musings I have been promising is taking longer than expected. And by taking longer than expected I mean I haven’t started it yet. And since I care greatly about the quality of my work, I would never want to give my loyal readers anything that I didn’t spend a long time on and pour my heart into. So therefore I give you this Jon Stewart graduation speech that I cut and pasted here from a random website instead.
Hey, don’t complain; its better than anything Ill ever write. Plus, well, its awesome. And it’s a perfect example of what my writing would be like if I was blessed with God-like humor and writing ability and/or was Jon Stewart. Plus, I don’t know if I mentioned this yet or not, but its pretty amazing. Probably the most amazing graduation speech you’ll ever read. And I thought it would be nice to be exposed to at least ONE good graduation speech this week. So stop complaining and enjoy the fact that I’m giving you anything at all this week.
I know you’re really hungry for a new article but hopefully this will tide you over until the main course comes. In that sense, this is like going to dinner and being given a free appetizer, only the appetizer is deluxe nachos and mozzarella sticks and the entree you ordered was poop in a bucket.
So the point is, enjoy.
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Jon Stewart's (Class of '84) Commencement Address
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night.
Hey, don’t complain; its better than anything Ill ever write. Plus, well, its awesome. And it’s a perfect example of what my writing would be like if I was blessed with God-like humor and writing ability and/or was Jon Stewart. Plus, I don’t know if I mentioned this yet or not, but its pretty amazing. Probably the most amazing graduation speech you’ll ever read. And I thought it would be nice to be exposed to at least ONE good graduation speech this week. So stop complaining and enjoy the fact that I’m giving you anything at all this week.
I know you’re really hungry for a new article but hopefully this will tide you over until the main course comes. In that sense, this is like going to dinner and being given a free appetizer, only the appetizer is deluxe nachos and mozzarella sticks and the entree you ordered was poop in a bucket.
So the point is, enjoy.
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Jon Stewart's (Class of '84) Commencement Address
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night.
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