Who Wants to be Played Out?

Dear Judd Apatow,

I have a story for you.

When “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” premiered in the summer of 1999, as you may recall, it got huge ratings and was a national phenomenon. Everyone loved it. I mean how could you not like it? It was trivia, money and Regis Philbin? That’s like not liking puppies, rainbows and Chipotle burritos. One of the things that made it such a beloved phenomenon though was its schedule. It was aired for several consecutive nights and then went away to be unheard from for a while, until it would magically appear again for a week or so and then once again disappear. This cycle repeated until January of 2000 when ABC added it to the schedule full time as a several night a week show. Even as a teenager at the time I remember thinking, “that doesn’t seem like a very smart idea.” And sure enough, as almost anyone with even a half a brain could have predicted, within a year what once had been the most popular show on television was off the air altogether. Ever since then whenever someone or something so clearly oversaturates the marketplace in such a clearly detrimental manner I call it “pulling a Millionaire”. Now you could of course simply call it “too much of a good thing”, but I think “pulling a Millionaire” is something slightly different. When someone is “pulling a Millionaire” its quite clear to people outside the situation what’s bound to happen, but yet due to greed, hubris, or just plain shortsightedness, the entities involved seem quite oblivious to what they are doing. Like how as a 16 year old I could clearly see that airing Millionaire three nights a week every week would kill the series, but highly paid executives whose jobs it was to understand the television medium could somehow think this was a good idea. Oftentimes though, when you’re so “inside” a phenomenon like that it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. And that’s why I have a message today for you: STOP!

Stop putting your name on every piece of crap anyone you have ever met is even remotely involved with. Stop having seven movies with your name on them coming out in a year and a half. And stop being such a lenient judge of quality. You’re devaluing your brand and oversaturating the marketplace. Do you know nothing about human nature? Let me fill you in on two fundamental truths:

1.) Backlashes are inevitable
2.) What goes up must come down (I believe Newton said something similar)

And now with the Internet those things are infinitely more true.
So please I’m begging you, for your own good, cut it out.

Look, Freaks and Geeks is one of the greatest shows of all time and Undeclared is pretty great too, but you know what one of the main reasons they’re so great is? They only lasted one season. You told the stories you wanted to tell and then got out before anyone had a chance to get sick of them. Plus since they were never overly popular no one felt the need to try and knock them down a level.

(As a side note, I firmly believe that no TV show should be allowed to last more than two seasons unless each episode is entirely 100% self contained - Seinfeld, Law & Order, etc. - or the creators can make a convincing case from day one as to why it should last longer – Lost. This will never happen because the networks are too greedy, but name one series that doesn’t meet one of those two criteria that wouldn’t have been better served by only lasting two seasons. You can’t do it. I will argue this to the death. And you don’t have to take my words for it. Ask Dave Chappelle and/or the BBC if you don’t believe me. (As a second side note, this is why I’m never investing myself in a David Chase series ever again. But that’s a whole other rant…))

Now on one level I completely get it. You were a dorky unattractive guy your whole life and now you're rich, popular and everyone loves you. It goes to your head and you want more of it. I understand. But, there are few things more self-destructive than a dorky guy who starts getting too popular. The examples of this phenomenon are endless. And that’s why it’s even more important for someone to save you from yourself. And so I’m taking that job on myself.

I firmly believe you’re a good guy with good things to say. You have an increadable gift for mixing humor with heart without sacrificing one for the other. You make mainstream comedies and yet are a critics darling. And I vehemently stand by the statement that Knocked Up was the Graduate of our generation. But you’re already starting to piss it all away. Your box office is declining. The backlash is beginning. The charges that you’re latently misogynistic are starting to gain real traction. And your first movie came out only two and half years ago, yet people are already able to write things like this. (Which is funny because it’s painfully true. Much like your comedy itself)

So take a lesson from Paul Thomas Anderson, Daniel Day-Lewis, Radiohead and many others. Don’t just pump out product because you want to get your friends jobs. Only put your name on something when you really truly believe in it. And limit how much that is. That way the name “Judd Apatow” still stands for something and has value. And for the love of all things holy, give Linda Cardellini another role already. The fact that you haven’t already is a real disgrace.

Follow all this advice and there's hope for your empire yet. Otherwise prepare to join the Greeks, the Romans, the British, the Americans, and the John Hughesians in the annals of ex-empires.

And THAT is my final answer.

Sincerely,

FredtheOnlineJournal

Death of a Salesman

My junior year of college Eliot Spitzer was that year's commencement speaker. At the time I had only a vague idea of who he was, but his speech was so inspiring, so intelligent, and delivered with such passion and humanity, that I declared then and there that I would vote for him in all future elections he was involved in. (Its worth noting that I had the exact opposite reaction to the speech given by my year’s commencement speaker, Hillary Clinton.) After going home and finding out more about Spitzer and his accomplishments I felt even more firm in my beliefs that this man was a bright shining hope in the world of politics. I thought, between Spitzer and Obama, the Democratic Party would be an unstoppable force for the next 10-20 years. When his brilliant and inspiring gubernatorial campaign commercials started airing I spent a considerable amount of time trying to design an Obama-Spitzer ’12 logo. Well now one half of my theoretical dream ticket is about to be forced to resign in a scandal that, frankly, even I can’t defend. This wasn’t a witch-hunt and this wasn’t the media making something out of nothing. Spitzer did the very thing he built his reputation crusading against - he broke the law. And it hurts.

My mom, who's a staunch Republican, sent me a taunting email after the story broke saying “now you should think twice about Obama”. And I have to say, that thought has crossed my mind today. In one week Hillary got me to start losing hope in the idea of hope and now Spitzer has me questioning the very existence of genuine goodness. So all in all, not a great week. Existentially speaking.

I know in this day and age I really shouldn’t be so surprised. Maybe I was being too naïve and idealistic. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so attached, so emotionally invested in something that was ultimately always going to leave disappointed in some way. And maybe I should stop talking about Eliot Spitzer like we were dating. But that’s how much this hurts.

I feel like such a fool now for getting involved in the first place. For buying what he was selling. I feel played and used and a little dirty. But it’s not just the betrayal. And its not just now and forever losing the moral high ground (although that REALLY stings). Its that something I loved and was passionate about and that brought me joy and happiness is over, forever, and there’s nothing that can ever happen to make it right again. Thats the worst part.

And now sadly next time I wont be so trusting, I wont be so invested, I wont throw myself into things so wholeheartedly and with such abandon. And I hate that. I hate having my cynicism justified. And I hate that the fact that Eliot Spitzer hired a prostitute has me hating the world. For those who say politics doesn’t matter, I say I envy you, I really do. But for those of us who still don’t know better, and foolishly think that one person can change the world, this feels like when Ralphie found out that Annie’s secret messages were really just ads for Ovaltine. Only 500 times worse.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go eat a pint of ice cream and listen to depressing music.
And maybe pour out a 40 on the curb for idealism.
That’s just how I roll.

The Sound of Settling

After Eminem lost to Steely Dan for Album of the Year I swore I would never watch the Grammys again. It was one of those defining moments of young adulthood where you realize life isn’t fair and existence is meaningless. To recognize this fact I went out the next day and bought an Eminem shirt and wore it to school. "Life showed me its purely random and meaningless nature and all I got was this lousy shirt", is, in retrospect, what I was trying to say. But at the time I believe my thinking went something more like “Eminem is God, fuck the Grammys”

And so I really shouldn’t be here eight years later cursing out the Grammys for fucking up their awards. And yet I am.
I just can’t leave well enough alone.

They say the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result. By this definition (or by any definition really) watching the Grammys is insane. And yet I do it. I could say I watch for the performances, which are often really great and memorable. And this statement would be true. But it wouldn’t be the whole truth. Because deep down I also watch because I do legitimately care who wins. Now, yes, the Grammys are not relevant in any serious way. Yes, their choices are notoriously out of step and laugh inducing. But they also have gotten it right a fair amount of times (Sgt. Pepper, Songs in the Key of Life, Rumours, Thriller, Joshua Tree, etc.). And in fact if you really get down to it, they’ve probably gotten it right as many times as the Oscars have. And ever since they reformed the nominating process in 1995, the nominees have been pretty solid too. And that’s what makes it so frustrating. Every year it seems like “this is the year they’ll get it right”. And every year I end the night swearing drunken profanities at my TV.

But I keep hanging on because what the Grammys claim to be about is what I am all about:

When art and commerce join without sacrificing one for the other. When everyone, young and old, black and white, rich and poor, can agree that this thing, this piece of art is indisputaby the best. When something is simultanously the best and the most popular. The Beatles, The Godfather, The Sopranos, Tiger Woods. This is what all of humanity strives for. This is where I aim to live my life. This is why I care about the Grammys.

Also, I’m addicted to awards shows.

And so my Grammy thoughts begin:

* My one wish is to hear T-Pain accept an award so I can hear him speak in his real voice. I feel like hearing T-Pain speak without his vocoder would be as disconcerting as hearing Hugh Laurie speak without his American accent.

* If I never hear "Before He Cheats" again for the rest of my natural life I will be more than okay with that. And by the way Carrie, before you go tearing up peoples cars maybe you better look in the mirror. Because I think if I was dating a girl with your level of jealousy and anger issues I might cheat on her too. And don’t take my word for it. Ask Tony Romo.

* Has an incredibly attractive person ever looked worse than Rihanna did during that “performance” of "Umbrella"? And while we’re on the subject, can someone explain to my what’s so good about "Umbrella"? I mean it won Pazz and Jop for Gods sake. What am I missing here? I find it mildly tolerable at best. Someone really needs to help me to understand this.

* Okay on a scale of 1 to 10 how threatened do you think Beyonce is by Jay-Z and Rihanna? I’m guessing at least a 13. All I gotta say is don’t do it Jay. Listen to that Carrie Underwood song before you do anything rash.

* How does a TV show prominantly featuring Beyonce not come with a viewer discretion advised warning? I mean what’s more harmful to America’s youth – violence and nudity or Beyonce?

*It’s really disheartening to see Beyonce doing Revlon ads isn't it? So sad to see her sell out like that.

* Okay folks, not to be the asshole here, but its really not necessary to give Stevie Wonder a STANDING ovation. I’m just saying…

*Say what you will about the Grammys but any organization that gives an award to both Barrack Obama and Flight of the Conchords in the same night cant be all bad.

* A meeting I would have like to have been at:
Executive #1: Okay so who do you think the best people would be to present the award for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration?
Executive #2: How about Taylor Swift and that dude Juanes who barely speaks English
Executive #1: Perfect!

*Hey did you know Akon was once a con? Yes, a real life convict. So when it was time to chose a moniker it was either 'Akon" or "Areallyshittyrapper". True story.

* Okay if you’re not standing for the Beatles tribute then you don’t deserve to be there. That might have been the best thing to ever air on CBS. Speaking of which…

*Holy shit! Cirque du Soleil performing to "Day in the Life" on CBS! Middle America just got very confused. What’s next DAFT PUNK?

* Holy shit! It's Daft Punk!! Live on CBS!!! Hurry up kids, get in the fallout shelter, the apocalypse is nigh!

*Ah, George Lopez introducing Brad Paisley. That’s more like it. You can come out now kids….

* Alicia Keys and John Mayer together! If I was black or a woman I would have just came right now.
(I just realized I don’t know the proper conjugation rules for the verb “cum”. I know F. Scott Fitzgerald used to have the same problem.)

* Speaking of my black girlfriend Alicia Keys…
Top 3 Reasons to Listen to the Radio
1.) “No One” - Alicia Keys
2.) “Love Song” – Sara Bareilles
3.) “The Pretender” – Foo Fighters

Top 3 Reasons Not to Listen to the Radio
1.) A loss of faith in all humanity
2.) The soul crushing sound of utter ineptitude
3.) Fergie

* Shockingly, SHOCKINGLY, Will.I.Am’s performance was painfully awful. I didn’t see that one coming.

* You know who I trust with my retirement savings? The crazy dude from Blue Velvet that’s who.

(I wish I could go back to 1969 and tell audiences coming out of Easy Rider that one day Dennis Hopper would be doing ads for a large financial corporation. The 60s would have ended right then and there)

* Wow Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman are in a movie together. That would be huge if only it were still 2003. Alas, it is not.

* I wonder how they cast the finger for the iPhone commercials. Is it the same finger for all the ads? Is someone the official finger of iPhone? And what was that audition like exactly? Were they looking for someone from Julliard?

*Kanye is the MAN. I cannot possibly make that word bold enough. You know what we were talking about earlier about being both the best and the most popular. Watch this video and youll see what I mean. Looks like that time spent hanging out with Bono is really paying off.

(As good as that was, his acceptance speech moments later was even better)

*Speaking of acceptance speeches...

Id never heard her talk before but wow shes really British isnt she?

*Now I know there are those who will make jokes about her performance or her speech or her general state of semi-coherence, but I found the whole thing strongly moving in a way I cant quite articulate. I mean you gotta be rooting for her, even more so after last night. I make jokes about literally everything, but even I dont feel right touching this one.
(I will say though that I've watched that clip at least five times now and every time "ray RAY" cracks me up.)

* Okay so before I go I have to address the Herbie Hancock fiasco. Yes my jaw did literally drop. Without exaggeration it took about 30 seconds to even register what had just happened. That is what shock feels like. And that is also what pounding the last nail in coffin of relevancy feels like. Congratulations Grammys. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. I think that undoubtedly goes down in the annals of Grammy lore along with Milli Vanilli, Christopher Cross, and Tony Bennett MTV Unplugged. You also ended my string of outrageously premature yet accurate Grammy predictions. In the past I predicted Speakerboxxx/Love Below would win Album of the Year and that Future Sex/Love Sounds would be nominated for Album of the Year months before either album was even released. This year I said Amy Winehouse would narrowly beat Kanye for Album of the Year back in March. Well to get my self back on track here’s my prediction for next year. The song Kanye does about his mother’s death will not only be his best song ever but it will be the first hip-hop song to win Record of the Year. And 4th time will be the charm, as he’ll finally win Album of the Year. And while we’re making predictions, Heath Ledger will also be nominated for Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight. Take it to the bank, and remember you heard it here first.

On Demand

I have a new favorite day of the week.

It’s Monday.

Sure Friday starts the weekend. And Sunday is the Lords Day or whatever. And Wednesday is referred to as Hump Day, which is always fun to say. But Monday trumps them all. I know this is a controversial position to take, but allow me to explain:

Monday is the day the HBO changes their On Demand offerings.

Wow, that was actually a rather short explanation.

Now you may think that HBO changing their On Demand offerings hardly qualifies as the highlight of a week. That it hardly is worth looking forward to the way one would look forward to Christmas. That one should not lose sleep the night before because they are too giddy with anticipation. But then clearly you do not have HBO on Demand.

Now on the other side, there are perhaps some of you who have advanced beyond HBO On Demand and moved onto the orgiastic ecstasy filled utopia that surely is TiVo or DVR. For those lucky few of you I must say that I envy you with every fiber of my being. I might soon join your ranks if only I can find a way to afford to pay for food and also DVR for you see I am a poor starving artist who despises any form of work which thus means I will forever be trapped in my current financial plight. Plus I do have serious concerns that if I ever got DVR I would never leave my house. For real. So as my life stands now, my only on demand experience with TV is HBO On Demand. And it has forever changed my life.

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Many of you have probably been complaining loudly to your friends and family recently about how I never write anymore. Well I have a very good excuse: I’ve been watching TV.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past few years you’ve probably heard the argument that we are currently living in the golden age of TV. People always lament the fact that music, and movies and the world in general aren’t as good as they used to be. That we missed out on all the best stuff, and that art today isn’t what it used to be. And that my be all well and good, but what they are neglecting to mention is that television today is better than its ever been. People in the future will look back on TV of the '00s the same way they look back on movies of the '70s or music of the '60s. This is because finally, after fifty years, TV’s potential as an artistic medium is for the first time being fully realized.

Quick: name the first great TV drama from before 1990. One that you have actually seen and marveled at and that holds up today. Can’t think of any? That’s because they didn’t really exist. TV was the home of great comedies, not great dramas. Now I’m sure they made good dramas before the '90s, but for they didn’t make great transcendent ones. And they didn’t make ones that stand the test of time. Comedy ran TV not drama; and the dramas that did exist were intended as mass entertainment and not “art”. Because TV was an entertainment medium not an artistic one. But in the past ten years TV has rapidly shed its long held reputation as an artistic ghetto, a place where second rate actors and directors worked because they couldn’t crack the movie business. Sometime in the not so distant past, as the line dividing TV and movies began to blur and artists were able to cross between the two with greater ease, great minds begin to see the medium's true storytelling potential. The ability to tell drawn out complicated stories filled with tons of characters and that could unfold slowly over weeks, months, and even years. You could do things, tell stories, create emotional connections with characters that you could never do in a two to three hour movie. Creative people finally realizing and taking advantage of the potential of television as a dramatic storytelling medium has allowed TV to stop being seen as the redhead stepchild to movies and, in many ways, become equal to movies, if not superior.

I read an interview the other day with Jason Lee in which he claimed he didn’t watch TV and it made him sound like an ignorant backwater ingrate who needed to get with the times. People didn’t have those kinds of reactions to non-TV watchers even five years ago. But as some guy might have said at one time or another, the times they are a’changin. A-list actors now turn down movie work for TV work. Quentin Tarantino directs episodes of CSI. David Mamet writes The Unit. And most of the biggest stars in the world regularly appear on TV shows or even attempt to star in or produce their own. The divide between TV and film is disappearing to the point of insignificance.

People are lamenting the death of the sitcom and to some degree it has “died’ because TV is now shooting for art and not entertainment. It’s being used as a storytelling medium and not a diversion. TV is now ruled by drama. As is TNT apparently. Many of the “comedies” (Entourage, Desperate Housewives, Weeds, ect.) today are ostensibly dramas with some levity mixed in. Reality TV now plays that role that sitcoms used to. And for cheaper. And even it has complex storylines to follow and a huge cast of characters to keep up with. And sure you can still “veg out” in front of the TV, but more and more television is something that requires intense thought and commitment. And, as has been well documented, HBO has played a huge role in all this.

I remember when The Sopranos came out years ago and the press went on and on about how the freedom from having to break for commercials and the ability to say and do whatever you wanted allowed for a rich, realistic quality of storytelling that TV had never been able to achieve before. And that episodes of The Sopranos each had the quality of hour-long films. The popularity of The Sopranos and other HBO programs then led to an explosion of other cable networks creating their own original programming and soon the competition was so fierce that the broadcast networks realized that they couldn’t just put on the same old crap anymore and expect people to watch it. They had to improve the quality of their shows if they wanted people to watch because now people had options. The reason TV has been so good throughout so much of our lifetime is that, as they say in business, increased competition leads to increased quality for the consumer. And now as a consumer, there’s so much quantity that its easy to find some really great quality. There’s so much great TV on today that is impossible to keep up with it all. Luckily TV on DVD has helped with that problem. But even better than that is TV on Demand. I’ve been paying for HBO on Demand for almost two years now but it wasn’t until about six months ago that I realized I even had it. At first I didn’t use it much, but then slowly Entourage become my gateway drug of sorts and now my life literally revolves around it. I’ll watch anything they put on Demand. I swear if they put a show called Watching Paint Dry on demand I would probably give it a shot. And it has interfered with my regular TV watching now too. I now get angry when watching non-On Demand shows that I can’t fast forward or rewind them. And if I have to sit through that Nick Lachey Clix Body Shots commercial one more time I will seriously kill someone. And it seems completely unreasonable to expect me to watch shows only at the time and date that they are aired. I mean who do they think I am? Someone with no life who can just plan his schedule around what time certain shows air?
That question was intended to be rhetorical.
Anyway, as someone who has now become an official TV addict I thought it was time to share with you some thoughts on the shows I waste my life with. Most are on HBO but some are on regular old TV. And it’s worth noting that some of the shows I mention as being On Demand are no longer there. I made some of these notes like a month ago, but it’s too hard to tear myself away from TV to actually write. If you’d like to hear from me more, find me a day job where I can sit at a desk with a computer. In the meantime you’ll have to deal with thoughts about shows you probably didn’t see and now can never see. Nothing like reading pretentious drivel about stuff you’ve never heard of before. Well except for reading reviews on Pitchfork. And yes that was just a convoluted excuse to take a dig at Pitchfork. But seriously though, Pitchfork sucks.

Entourage:
-Unfortunately they just took the most recent season of Entourage off demand and replaced it with the first four episodes of the series. If you’ve never seen the show before I would recommend not using the first four episodes as your introduction to it. They aren’t very good, compared with the most recent season and they might potentially sour you on the series as a whole. Plus Entourage is really not a show you need to start watching from the beginning to appreciate or understand. And I say that as someone who is insanely anal about not coming in on TV series midstream. But I came into Entourage halfway through Season 2 and was able to appreciate it just fine. If you have the intelligence of a mildly retarded chimp you should be able to pick up on the characters, basic premise and all the major storylines just from watching any random 5 minute segment of any random episode. So if you’re new to the show just wait until they switch up the On Demand offerings and give some more recent episodes. But for those of you who DO watch Entourage:

-I buy Vince being a huge Ramones fan about as much as I buy him as a believable human being. Or as much as I buy that he would actually be friends with “E”. Which is to say I don’t buy it at all.

-If I told you that if Martin Landau doesn’t get nominated for an Emmy next year that I will personally go the Emmy Headquarters and just start opening fire, would that be something that you would be interested in?

(As a side note if you have never seen Martin Landau in Ed Wood do yourself a favor and rent it tonight. One of the most well deserved Oscars of all time.)

-You know you might watch way too much Entourage when your first reaction upon seeing Matt Dillon interviewed is, “hey that guy looks just like Johnny Drama”.

-HBO seems to really specialize in great shows with terrible acting.

-And on that subject, yes I am conflicted about the fact that I love Entourage and yet it is basically the male Sex and the City and that I loath Sex and the City with every fiber of my being and think that it is the cause of all that is wrong with the world. It’s hard to reconcile or even understand this hypocrisy within myself. It’s actually hard to understand why I like Entourage in the first place. Its two leads are probably two of the worst actors ever on TV. In fact, everyone except Turtle, Drama, and, of course, Ari, are dreadful actors. I mean where do they find the god awful actors for the bit parts for that show? The BA program at Marymount? (Oh, stop with the hate mail, I kid because I love.) In addition, the show is shallow and not that well done. And, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but it’s the male Sex and The City. And yet I know that the first thing I did after coming back from New Hampshire, before even unpacking, was to watch the new episodes I had missed of Entourage. What can I say; this past season they really perfected the whole cliffhanger at the end of every episode thing. And the writing was actually really strong too. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself to help myself sleep at night.

-Has anyone ever been more valuable to a show than Jeremy Piven is to Entourage? I don’t think Martin Short is as integral to the success of Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me as Jeremy Piven is to Entourage. Without him the show is literally unwatchable, but with him, it’s must see TV. I know I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. No one has ever deserved an award more than Jeremy Piven deserved his Emmy.

-Whether it’s TV on the Radio or Queens of the Stone Age, Entourage always has the most kick ass music to end the show. It’s like the testosterone version of Greys Anatomy. It’s becoming to new music today what The O.C. was to new music four years ago. And even though its not new, might I suggest “Begging You” by The Stone Roses as closing credit music on an episode next season? You can thank me later.

-Seth Green’s posse is/was like my favorite thing ever. Thought that was worth mentioning.

Real Time With Bill Maher:
I don’t think its possible to be more conflicted about someone than I am about Bill Maher. I think he’s a smug, misogynistic, unlikable prick who is to the left what Fox News is to the right. He’s an extremist who is not actually that smart or well informed but don’t you dare try and argue with him. And yet I love his show. I think it's great. It’s some of the best political discourse on TV and it's always informative and entertaining to watch. I think my feelings are best encapsulated by this: I finished reading an interview with him in Rolling Stone recently and I thought "wow, I really hate that guy", and then immediately sat down and watched two episodes of his show back to back.

-Why do we consider unreasonable yelling extremists on the right to be wacko evil nut jobs, but unreasonable yelling extremists on the left to be brave geniuses who "tell it like it is"? Something to think about.

-If you want to see Bill get put in his place and also watch a lesson for how to be an effective conservative guest on his show then watch the episode with Christopher Hitchens. After seeing it, Hitchens is my new favorite person. I even found myself siding with him against Bill at times. He made some great points which, although I may disagree with, I still respect and think are valid. It’s what political discourse should be like. But instead Hitchens got booed mercilessly and wound up walking out of the show at the end. Of course that might have something to do with the fact he flicked the audience off, but still.

-On the opposite end of the spectrum on the “how to be a conservative guest on the show” is Sandy Rios. Watching her and Bradley Whitford shout over each other was just painful. And she came off like an insane wacko. Which she is. But that’s beside the point. The point is, two people shouting over each other for 30 minutes is not good TV.

-I think the way to solve a lot of this would be if they would remove the studio audience. I think the same thing applies to The Daily Show. I feel very strongly that the quality of both shows would improve if there wasn’t a highly biased audience there to applaud every remotely liberal comment and boo every remotely conservative comment. It makes it hard to have a real conversation about anything because the conservative guest feels uncomfortable and on the defensive the whole time and the liberal host is given a heightened sense of superiority.

-New rule: don’t cut to the shots of the panelists laughing during New Rules. They’re always fake over-laughing. It’s like going to a comedy club with Tom Cruise.

The Comeback:
-Has there ever been a good show that was less enjoyable to watch? I mean if you thought the British Office was painful to watch at times, that show makes The Comeback look like, I dunno, something unpainful to watch. The level of embarrassment you feel for Valerie is just off the charts. No wonder the show only lasted one season. I can’t believe it even lasted five episodes. Who would possibly want to watch a show where the likable main character is so constantly embarrassed and humiliated in such a painfully honest way? Unlike David Brent, Valerie was such a good person and so likeable that I would often find myself having to fast forward through almost entire episodes because they were too hard to watch. But yet I kept watching episode after episode. I guess I just like pain. That’s should have been their slogan. “The Comeback: The show for masochists”. I kept coming back though because it is a really great show. Lisa Kudrow did an absolutely outstanding job. And it gave some great and brutally honest insight into the acting world. I just don’t know who at HBO ever thought this would find an audience. It definitely has to be one of the least commercially viable shows ever to be put on the air. But props to HBO for doing so.

Lucky Louie:
-I know everyone in America and in the television criticism industry piled on this show and said it was the worst thing since Homeboys in Outer Space or whatever, but I really don’t see what the big deal was. Sure the acting was dreadful. Sure Louie C.K. made Jerry Seinfeld look like Laurence Olivier and Jerry Minor made Adrian Grenier look like Marlon Brando. And sure there was always the sense that the show wasn’t living up to its potential. And sure it was rarely laugh out loud funny. But I liked what they were trying to do. And there were some really smart moments. The characters were just regular folks like you almost never see on TV, and their problems were incredibly honest and true to life. It was like Seinfeld in the way as it dealt with flawed characters and the minutia of life, but only the minutia of life for a lower class working family instead of rich New Yorkers. And some of the episodes, like "Flowers for Kim", dealt with relationships as honestly as anything I’ve ever seen. But ultimately none of this really matters because it’s canceled and chances are you never saw it. And despite all its virtues it’s not really worth renting or seeking out. So just forget we ever had this conversation.

When the Levees Broke:
-As someone who has seen more than my fair share of documentaries I think I can safely say that this is the best and most important documentary of all time. It’s a big statement I know, but I don’t know what else to say about it. After seeing it, it only deepens my belief that Katrina is as big and important a tragedy as 9/11 and yet was not, and has not ever, been treated as such. Just watch this movie please. You’ll be glad you did.

Dane Cook: Vicious Circle:
-Watching Dane Cook is like stepping into some alternate universe.
See I barely know who Dane Cook is. If I fell on Dane Cook in the street I wouldn’t recognize him or care. I mean last I had heard of Dane Cook he was the fourth guy mentioned in the ads for Dave Attell’s Insomniac tour. And then I watch his stand up special and there’s like 10,000 people going insane over his every non-funny utterance. Its like theyre in some cult or something. They even have their own hand sign. It’s like some crazy world where Dane Cook is the most popular and talented man in existence. I mean he was getting a standing ovation after every line! And, here’s the key part, none of the lines were remotely funny. Who are all these people who like Dane Cook? Where did they come from? How did they get here? How, why and when did he get so popular? And for the love of God could someone please explain to me how anyone in their right mind could find him funny? With so much great standup out there how does this guy get two HBO shows in three months? I feel like I would be angry about this if I could at all comprehend it.

(By the way, if through some freak accident you have never seen Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now, it’s currently available on HBO On Demand. I cannot urge you strongly enough to watch it. Other than Bigger and Blacker it is definitely the stand up special I quote most often. I would do the whole thing for you myself but Ellen’s delivery is like 60% of the humor. So watch it. Now.)

Wait ‘Til Next Year:
-This is the Cubs documentary that’s currently available and I encourage you to check it out. It’s really great, and that’s coming from someone who thinks the Cubs are the Antichrist. But seriously, if you’re anything like me you’ll cry (during the end of the ’84 collapse segment), you’ll laugh (at the old blind guy at the end because he’s probably going to die without ever seeing the Cubs win the World Series) and you’ll realize that you’re probably going straight to hell. I just have two other things to say on the matter: 1.) They kind of rushed over the ’03 saga which was one of the best memories of my life. 2.) While watching the documentary you may start to feel sorry for Cubs fans and that’s okay. It’s only human. But just don’t forget, there’s a reason the Cubs haven’t won in 98 years and that’s because the Cubs don’t deserve to win because they are a terrible team and their fans are terrible people. And yes I do take baseball a little too seriously, but we all already knew that didn’t we?

Three non-HBO shows:
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip:
- We can all agree to just call it simply Studio 60 now right?

- If you thought I wouldn’t have some comments about Studio 60 then you must have never met me. So here they are: I think it’s a great show. I really enjoy it. But it’s no West Wing. At least not yet. I don’t even know if it’s Sports Night, but that’s slightly unfair because this is the only Sorkin show I’ve ever had to wait a week for new episodes of. Not being able to watch the whole season on DVD in 3 days makes it feel harder to get into. Still though a late night TV show doesn’t have the same gravitas as the fate of the free world. And while we’re at it a late night TV show somehow doesn’t seem to have the gravitas as a cable sports program. Speaking of which…

-So it seems that complaining about the quality of the show within the show on Studio 60 has replaced complaining that Sam’s Town is no Born to Run as the new hipster pop culture complaint du jour. And I have to say I agree. Although I don’t know how much the poor quality of the show within the show actually bothers me and how much I’ve just been influenced to think that it bothers me. But nevertheless it is a problem. The show within the show on Sports Night was what a sports show in an ideal fantasy world would be like. The president on The West Wing was what the president in an ideal fantasy world would be like. The show within the show on Studio 60 is what a sketch comedy show on a third rate CBS would be like. And that’s a problem. But not as big a problem as…

-Amanda Peet, I have seen Allison Janney, and you my friend are no Allison Janney. Nor are you Felicity Huffman. Hell, you’re not even NiCole Robinson. In fact, you may be the worst actor to ever appear on a Sorkin show. And remember, Dule Hill was on The West Wing. If Studio 60 has a fatal flaw, Amanda Peet is definitely it. I just honestly can’t figure out how she got cast. I mean how could the man who wrote and perfectly cast six of the greatest female TV roles of all time (C.J. Cregg, Donna Moss, Ainsley Hayes, Dana Whitaker, Natalie Hurley, and, especially, Amy Gardner) possibly make such a huge mistake. On the bright side I can now do at least one really good celebrity impersonation. And so can you. Ill teach you how. Open your eyes wide, give the slightest of smiles humanly possible, and stare completely blankly ahead into space no matter what happens. There, you’re doing a spot on Amanda Peet! Congrats!

- If there was ever a network show that should probably be on HBO instead, Studio 60 is it. I’m already worried about its ratings. I’ve never gotten attached to a show that got canceled before, but really how in the hell does NBC think this is going to find a mass audience? The lighting alone should alienate like 3/4th of America. Does this show take place in the dark ages or something? And no I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.

-One of the strengths of Sorkin shows is how good all of the characters are. Every person on screen is somehow interesting and unique. On Studio 60 so far we have two outstanding hall of fame characters, one decent if slightly one dimensional character, and one good character with nothing to do. Everyone else kind of seems a bit like dead weight. And as outstanding as Bradley Whitford and Mathew Perry are, the show really suffers when they’re not on the screen. And I don’t know if the charisma and chemistry of two characters is enough to carry an entire show, especially one with a cast this size. Hopefully they’ll give Timothy Busfeld or Nate Cordry more to do soon. Or bring in Joshua Malina.

-After having Felicity Huffman in the pilot I’m praying they’ll bring in more people from previous Sorkin shows. Its not like they have a shortage of actors to choose from in that regard. I feel like if/when Janel Moloney ever pops up I might just wet myself. Wait, did I just admit to that out loud?

-And since it seems like I’ve been doing a lot of hating I do have to balance that out by saying that Mathew Perry is fucking FANtastic. He’s the Jeremy Piven of Studio 60. To take nothing away from Bradley Whitford, but Matthew Perry’s work is making his other “Friends” look like Peter Scolari to his Tom Hanks. Before all is said and done he might just be my new favorite person ever.

Greys Anatomy:
-Speaking of unappealing lead female characters…
Has there ever been a show before where the main character was the least likeable person in the cast? Meredith Grey isn’t just setting women back 50 years, she’s setting all of humanity back 50 years. It’s really just becoming embarrassing at this point. Plus now her face looks plastic. Literally plastic. I guess the mildly attractive version of E.T. look from last year just wasn’t working for her anymore. And no it’s not even remotely plausible at this point that two guys would be fighting over her. But whatever.

-Speaking of implausible….has there ever been a less believable couple than George and Callie? I mean, besides the fact that they’re completely incompatible and have absolutely no chemistry, she’s like three times his size. And when did George go from being likable to a mildly annoying whiner?

- I worry that the Friends syndrome is already starting to happen. And by that I mean that the characters are starting to become slightly one-dimensional caricatures of themselves. And don’t tell me you don’t already see it starting to slightly happen. From a cast that did such phenomenal work last season I would really hate to see it occur.

- To put this as nicely as possible: I don’t think Chris O’Donnell needs to worry about preparing an Emmy acceptance speech.

- They really should give Alex Chambers more to do. He seems like a really good actor, but it’s hard to tell because he’s being severely underused.

- Speaking of underused, can they hurry up and get Izzie back the hospital again? If there are Meredith guys and Izzie guys I’m 180% an Izzie guy. Of course, assuming that there are guys who are fans of either, assumes that there are straight guys other than myself who watch Greys Anatomy. And that might be assuming a little much.

The Daily Show:
-I don’t think anyone has ever tried to push anything that the American public was completely indifferent about as hard as The Daily Show is pushing John Oliver. I thought John Hodgeman was supposed to be the new Cordry? What happened to that? And where’s Demtri Martin? I mean I get excited now for a fucking Jason Jones piece. That’s how bad the correspondent situation has gotten. Seriously, nothing against John Oliver, but he’s just so mediocre it gets old seeing him every single night of your life.

-I think its about time to put an end to all this The Colbert Report is better than The Daily Show nonsense. Seriously what is with all you hipsters? Cut it out. You’re wrong. Sure The Daily Show is going through a bit of a rough patch, but The Colbert Report is not a very good show. You know what my reaction is when The Colbert Report comes on? “Time to go to sleep”. The other night I wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep and wanted to keep watching TV after The Daily Show went off, and I was only able to watch The Colbert Report for about five minutes before changing the channel. I wound up watching a show about turtles. And I don’t even like turtles! So seriously people stop with all this Colbert Report nonesne. Colbert is a great and funny guy and his speech at the Correspondants Dinner was one of the greatest moments for comedy in my lifetime. But saying The Colbert Report is better than The Daily Show is like saying the news show on the public access station is better than CNN. I just hope The Colbert Report backlash starts soon.

And finally I think it’s worth noting that I finally took the plunge and now have in my possession Season 4 of The West Wing. I’m not even halfway through it yet but it’s thrilling to be back in the world of The West Wing again. I have a few parting thoughts on it:

-Winnie Cooper! Someone should have told me she was in this! And Amy Adams was in the first episode of the season as well! This show really has the greatest casting of all time. It’s unreal. I’m speechless.

-I would say something about how much I love Amy Gardner but I can’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t make me sound like an insane stalker. I think at this point its probably worth noting that Amy Gardner is a fictional character and that Mary Louise Parker isn’t actually like that. Or at least that’s what my therapist keeps trying to tell me. But still, if I ever run into Billy Crudup on the street it would be seriously hard for me to restrain myself from punching him in the face while yelling “Claire Danes!?! Claire fucking Danes!?!? Are you out of your goddamn mind!!!” I mean I know he was Russell Hammond and all but COME ON. Who the hell dumps Amy Gardner for Claire Danes? No one who doesn’t deserve to have their ass kicked that’s for sure. Maybe Ill scrounge up the money go see Coast of Utopia after all.

And speaking of intelligent women: here’s my new favorite quote courtesy of Bruno Gianelli: (in reference to female voters) “Anyone who has a five point majority and still doesn’t control the agenda might be spending a little too much time too much time reading about how to get a man to get over his fear of commitment.”
Amen to that brother. Sometimes I don’t know if I feel like such a feminist BECAUSE most of my friends are girls or DESPITE it.

Anyway, until next time, stay classy San Diego.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) THE DEPARTED!!
2.) Did I mention The Departed yet?
3.) Time Out New York
3 & 1/2.) NetFlix

Thought of the Week:
If you were Patrick Wilson in Little Children how could you possibly choose between Jennifer Connelly and Kate Winslet? That like making Meryl Streep choose which child she wants to save and which one she wants to let die in Sophies Choice. I mean its just an impossibly hard choice.

Live Free or Die

As some of you may know, but as most of you probably don’t, "Live Free or Die" is the motto of New Hampshire. Although I think “We’re like Vermont only totally lame” was probably a close second when it came time to vote on the issue. But really you can’t be totally lame with an awesome state motto like that. Why do I bring this all up you ask? Because I like geography and want to educate you about our states? Well yes, but that’s not the main reason. Because I like random trivia and meaningless minutia about shit that doesn’t even remotely matter? Well yes, but that’s not it either. No, its because I recently came back from spending three weeks in apparently the newer of the two Hampshires. And by “recently” I mean “almost a month ago”.
So why has it taken me this long to update the journal you ask? (Boy, aren’t you full of questions today!) Well the answer is that I’ve been quite busy. And by quite busy I mean “not busy at all”. But better late then never I always say.
Actually I don’t know if I’ve ever said that before.
But I’m saying it today.
Or whatever day you’re reading this on.
Wow this is really off to a terrible start. You know what? I think I’m just gonna start typing in Spanish. I mean no one still reads this thing anyway. Reading Fred is like SO six months ago. Mi gusta tacos. Mis zaptaos es roja. Donde es el bano? Shakira.
……
Okay, now as a way to shed my few remaining readers who survived that, allow me to tell you a little about life on the road in New Hampshire.
Before I went to New Hampshire I used to always get it confused with Vermont. And when I would confuse them I would think, “well who cares, they’re basically the same place anyway”. This could not be further from the truth. Although they are a pair in many ways Vermont is FAR better than New Hampshire. New Hampshire is like the Garfunkle to Vermont’s Simon. The Alex Winter to its Keanu Reeves. The other guy in Wham! to its George Michael. Vermont is full of hippies, hipsters, and gay people. So basically it’s just like New York only in the mountains and beautiful. New Hampshire was full of motorcycle wearing hillbillies. When I was shopping at a New Hampshire area Wal-Mart there were so many rednecks there that I was literally in shock. And keep in mind I spent the fist 18 years of my life in Texas. I takes A LOT of rednecks to shock me. And I was shocked. Severely shocked. So that pretty much sums up New Hampshire. Rednecks, motorcycles, and shopping at Wal-Mart. Oh yeah, and vanity license plates. Can’t really explain that one. But whatever.

Enough about the state itself. What was it like to travel around it and bring the magic that it Shakespeare to its denizens? Well in all seriousness it was wonderful. But it also exposed me to a lot of things that I should never be exposed to for prolonged periods of time. Besides rednecks this list also includes the radio, free time, and other people. What follows are all the results of over exposure to all three. You have been warned.

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*There are few worse than riding in a car on a long road trip with people who have terrible taste in music. Perhaps the only thing worse is riding in a plane on a long rip with people who are snakes.

*If you have ever told someone that you are “really into independent music” then you might be a douche bag. Same goes double for anyone who is really into stage combat.

*“The Great Salt Lake” by Band of Horses is definitely the best song ever written about The Great Salt Lake. Somewhere, in whatever neighborhood in Brooklyn is trendy this week, Sufjan Stevens is very jealous.

*If you’re going on a road trip anytime soon might I suggest the Elizabethtown soundtrack as musical accompaniment? Shocking that it would make good road trip music, as it’s the soundtrack to a movie about a guy who takes a road trip. And yes I realize the term “guy” pretty loosely as I am in fact talking about Orlando Bloom.

*While we’re on the subject of Cameron Crowe I would just like to state for the record that comparing Singles to Reality Bites is like comparing Bio Dome to The Godfather.

*After being turned onto "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by my sister I think it is now safe to say that Max Martin and Kelly Clarkson are to pop music what Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro are to movies. And yes I did just say that.

*I’m feel pretty sure I might be going to hell for saying this, but that new Jessica Simpson song is pretty catchy isn’t it?

*I think it’s interesting now in the K-Fed era to consider the fact that Britney Spears’ biggest song was called “Hit Me Baby One More Time”

*On a more serious music note I have an apology of sorts to make. I know over the years I have made many, MANY jokes about Beyonce. And make no mistake I still hate her with a passion. But I now firmly believe that her and Jay-Z are the Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward of our time. I know Jay and B aren’t even married yet but if I had to wager on which current celebrity couple will still be together in 40 years I would put all my money on those two. And I’m basing all of this on a Rolling Stone interview I read with him, a 5 second clip of them on stage together from the Fade to Black DVD, and her new song "Déjà Vu". Granted that’s not much to go on, but yet I could not possibly feel more certain about this issue. Sometimes you can just tell. So I guess in a round about convoluted way that’s an apology of sorts for all the mean things I’ve ever said about Beyonce. So there.

*On an even more serious musk related note I present:
This Week’s Sign of the Apocalypse
or
Reason #2135 That We’re All Screwed
What the People Riding in My Car One Night Thought About the Following Radio Selections as Judged by Whether or Not They Changed the Station Immediately or Continued to Listen to Said Selection (A Side By Side Comparison)

Note: I swear I am not even remotely making this up. I only wish I was.

Not Worth Listening To
The Beatles
“Dani California” – The Chilli Peppers
“American Pie” – Don McLean
Marvin Gaye
The News

Worth Listening To
Natalie Imbruglia
“Dont Cha” – The Pussycat Dolls
Some electronica song that sounded like Satan vomiting
Cher
Two guys arguing about who left a porkchop on the coffee table

*I have never been more wrong about anything than when I said that Will Farrell was making a big mistake leaving SNL. And if you didn’t see Talladega Nights in theaters you really should have. It may have only been the second best NASCAR themed movie this summer, but any movie that can be good and still have John C. Reilly in it is a pretty good movie. Although I feel it won’t work nearly as well watching it on video at home by yourself. Still, if there were Oscars for comedy, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress would already be wrapped up tight by Will Farrell, Sasha Baron Cohen and Amy Adams.

*Speaking of Sasha Baron Cohen, I had never before gone from having absolutely no interest in seeing a movie to wanting to see it at the first showing the night it comes out in the span of 2 minutes before, until I saw the Borat trailer for the first time. I mean this looks like it has a more than good chance to enter the comedy pantheon with Holy Grail, The Jerk, Spinal Tap, The South Park Movie, and Wet Hot American Summer. It might be the funniest trailer of all time. Here, I’ll even provide a link so all you have to do is click on it. That’s how much I care about you seeing this trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq_fzdEk0r8
November 2006. Learn it, love it, live it.

*On the flip side I had the complete opposite reaction upon seeing the Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny trailer. My love affair with Tenacious D might prove to be VERY short lived.

*Why does Hal Ashby not get more respect? I mean outside of Coppola no director had a better or more consistent body of work in the 70’s. Harold and Maude, The Last Detail, Shampoo, Bound for Glory, Coming Home and Being There. Granted not exactly blockbuster mainstream films, but all of them classics in their own right and all of them except for Harold and Maude nominated for multiple Oscars. And then after those films, he died. Meaning he never made film that wasn’t a classic. He’s like the John Cazale of directors. And plus without Hal Ashby there would probably be no Wes Anderson. And without Wes Anderson there would be no Noah Baumbach. And without Noah Baumbach there would be no The Squid and the Whale. And without The Squid and the Whale there would be absolutely nothing redeeming about Laura Linney. So I think it’s about time we all gave Hal Ashby his due.

*And finally, the word the day: vituperative.
Does it even really matter what it means? It just sounds fucking cool to say. And sometimes thats all that matters.

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Thoughts had after coming BACK from New Hampshire That I Would Like to Share Now As Well:

*Has a movie ever made literally made zero dollars?
Well if one hasn’t the Apocalypto will be the first. I mean it s almost like the plot from The Producers come to life. Could you possibly come up with a less marketable movie than a movie with no stars, completely in Ancient Mayan, and written and directed by Mel Gibson? I honestly don’t think it would be humanly possible to come up with a movie the general public would less like to see. I think more people would buy tickets for Adolph Hitler Strangles Kitties at this point.
And if Apocalypto DOES somehow manage to make a single dollar, then Infamous is the next best bet to achieve the $0 total gross. All I can think is that this must have been the way it was pitched to the studios:

“If there’s one thing I know about the average American movie goer its just they cant get enough of Truman Capote. And Capote was such a smash hit that it left most Americans clamoring for a nearly identical movie to be released almost immediately! Only they wanted this version to be even gayer. Well their prayers are about to be answered answered. Now they can watch an inferior retelling of the events that Capote covered only with some dude they never heard of playing Capote AND they get to see him make out with Daniel Craig. Just what America has been waiting for!”

*You heard it here first: Eddie Murphy will be nominated for Best Supporting Actor. Just trust me on this one. And I’m also gonna say that Helen Mirren is NOT going to win Best Actress. She’s peaking WAY too early. My money is still on Annette Benning. Not that you even remotely care about any of this.

*I already miss the World Cup.

*I think the time has come for me to weight in on the “What album of the past does Idlewild best compare to” debate. Now I’ve read the comparisons to Tusk and of course In Utero. And my roommate wisely compared it to “The Secret Life of Plants, only good”. And I have to say, although it seems like a cop out, it really is a little of all three.

*Where exactly did sexy go to? I was unaware that it had left. And is it just me, or was anyone else hoping "Sexyback" would was a song about the sex appeal of backs. I mean backs are highly underrated as far as the sexy goes.

*I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned my love of the movie Primary Colors before, so I will do that now. I love Primary Colors. It is not only one of my top 10 favorite movies it is probably the best political movie ever made. It is to political movies, what the Spitzer for Governor ads are to political ads. They just blow the competition out of the water. Primary Colors sheds light on the whole political system, provides hope and inspiration in these dark times, and makes me profoundly sad that I missed out on the Clinton years. And as an actor I love the movie too. Adrian Lester is great, I'd argue its Travolta’s best post-70s work, and Kathy Bates’ final confrontation scene is some of the best acting ever committed to film. And I say this as someone who generally thinks Kathy Bates sucks. But its really profoundly good work. So if I had to pitch the movie here’s what Id say- “Primary Colors: The move that shows what the best of politics and acting are all about”.

*If there’s anything I enjoy more than Primary Colors its cereal. And that being said let me just tell you that Strawberry Delight Frosted Mini-Wheats are the best thing to happen to cereal since Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

*I have much more to say about Bill Maher at a later date but I just wanted to throw this out there now: his guests for this week include both Pat Buchanan and Gloria Steinmen. I don’t think I’ve ever been literally scared to watch a TV show before.
You have been warned.
(And if you don’t think I have lots to say about Christopher Hitchens’ appearance on the show two weeks ago then clearly you don’t know me)

*And finally (for real this time)
As you should hopefully know, Chuck Klosterman’s new book Klosterman IV came out this past week and you should go pick up a copy. Ill share my thoughts on it later but since we’re on the topic of Bill Maher I thought I should direct you attention to an interview he did with Klosterman for Amazon.com.
Here’s the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Chuck-Klosterman-IV-Curious-Dangerous/dp/0743284887/ref=pd_sim_b_5/103-3147617-4613409?ie=UTF8

Some great points are raised of course:
1.) I swear to God I was going to write something similar about Britney vs. Christina myself
2.) So true about Lou Reed
3.) I think I side with both of them regarding the Rolling Stones if that’s possible.

But most importantly, after watching the interview, click on the link for his music recommendations. Read it not so much for the recommendations themselves but for how ridiculously well written they are. I guarantee you Dostoevsky couldn’t have written a list of music recommendations that well.

*Until next time…live free or die

Arbitrary Title

There is a long list of reasons why I havent updated the journal recently. This list begins with "Con" and ends with "Edison". And in between there are other non-electricty related reasons inlcuding "Being in a play" "Training for/starting a new job" and "Fighting with my landlord". And if all those things werent enough, Im now leaving for New Hampshire. Thats right, in case you didnt get the memo, Im leaving for three weeks to tour with the New England Shakespeare Festival. Tommorrow I leave for that theater mecca of Deerfield, New Hampshire and I will stay there until August 14th, pursuing fame, fortune, and probably scabies. I also hopefully will finally at long last be able to determine for myself which state is New Hampshire and which state is Vermont.


Im very excited.


But the point of this story as it relates to you is that I might be out of commission for a while. I know I will have internet access while on tour but I dont know if Ill have any time to write. Its a shame because I have a lot of things Id like to discuss with you in a semi-humorous and self important manner. But I dont know if this will be possible until after the 14th.


And whle Im on the subject (or not on the subject as the case may be) if you see anyone walking around in a Con Ed uniform, punch them in the face for me. Seriously, the Queens blackout made the transit strike seem like Christmas. Who is the head of Con Ed? Michael Brown? And let Bloomberg know he's lost my vote. If he can even run again that is.


Okay enough with that. On to the rejected columns.


What rejected columns you ask? The two I'm about to give you. They were two colums written for other sites but rejected by those sites and so now they end up here. Well one's more of a list than a column, but whatever. Theyre both rejects.

Anyway, If I dont talk to you again have a great early August. And Ill be back soon with great new stuff. I promise. (Wilmer Valderamma consider this your warning.)

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How The Name Of The Band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Would Be Different If It Had Been Named By Specific Other People

P. Diddy: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (Remix)

Lil' Jon: Clap Your Hands Say YEEEEEAAAHH
Ice-T: Clap Your Hands Motherfucker

Dolly Parton: Clap Yalls Hands Say Ye-Haw

Phillip Glass: Clap Your Hands Clap Your Hands Clap Your Hands

Jewel: Clap These Hands Which Are Not Yours They Are My Own

Marilyn Manson: Chop Off Your Hands And Sacrifice Them To Satan

Sufjan Stevens: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!!! or The Strange Tale of the Moving Hands and the Resulant Exclaimations of Those People Involved

Prince: &

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The Disembowelment of Our Heroes

A few short years ago we all experienced one of the greatest tragedies in our nation’s history. At the time we all agreed that Hollywood should never try to make the events of that day into a film. But now they have. And I for one say it’s too soon. The wounds are still too fresh. The emotions still too raw. And for some of us, like myself, the pain and grief such a film would cause would be too much to bear. Because I, like so many others, lost a loved one that day. My brother was aboard that flight. And it is in his name I say we must prevent Hollywood from tainting the memory of that day with the stain of commercialism. We must stop them from tarnishing the legacy of the heroes aboard that flight. We must stop their blasphemies and lies. We must stop Snakes on Plane.

See, lost in the hype about Snakes on a Plane is the fact that’s its just another in a long line of movies Hollywood has made to exploit and profit from real life tragedies. In that way it’s just like Schindlers List.

Only instead of Nazis there are snakes.

And instead of the Holocaust it’s an airplane.

But that doesn’t make it any less real. Or any less tragic. I mean those weren’t just an ethnically and culturally diverse group of stereotypical one-dimensional characters aboard that plane. They were real people. Real people who fought back against those snakes. And my brother was one of them.

He was a brave man. A noble man. A courageous man. A man who ultimately had his bleeding entrails ripped out of his body by motherfucking snakes. And he deserves better than to have his heroic deeds and good name sullied with the stain of Hollywood commercialism. We just can’t trust Hollywood to do his story justice. I mean, even though his last words he said to me over the phone were “I’m getting my entrails ripped out by motherfucking snakes” it is impossible and irresponsible to try and guess what happened aboard that fateful flight. But has that stopped Hollywood from doing so? No! They have no respect for anything. Look at their casting choices for example. Samuel L. Jackson? As a hero? Anyone who has ever seen a movie knows that black people can only be villains, drug dealers or wise all-knowing narrators. But a hero? I don’t buy it. And Julianna Margulies? She’s too closely associated with her unforgettable and iconic character from ER to ever be believed in another other role. Her presence in the film will surely shatter the audience’s suspension of disbelief. It’s a shame to see her agree to be in such garbage. O, how the mighty have fallen.

But alas, despite all of my qualms with the film Hollywood will not listen to me. So that is why I ask you to join me and boycott this exploitative film. Together we can make sure it never sees the light of day. Sure you can stand by and allow it to be released, but it’s a slippery slope my friend. Today its snake on a plane, tomorrow it’ll be hamsters in a Honda Civic. And soon no animal/form of transportation combination will be sacred. And the memories of all of our country’s greatest heroes will be forever tainted. So stand up against this exploitation and this shameless commercialism.

Don’t even think.

Just do it.

Rock Is Dead, Long Live Rock

Almost exactly a year ago I got Kanye West’s Late Registration. I remember listening to it for the first time late one night in the subway station after work. I still remember hearing "Heard ‘Em Say" for the first time and just being amazed. And then after it finished "Touch the Sky" came on and I was even more amazed. They sounded like nothing else I had ever heard before. So original, so fresh, so incredibly good. And as I sat there listening the realization hit me. Rock is dead. Kanye has killed it.

Another story: About a month ago Dave Chapelle’s Block Party came out on DVD. I had seen it in theaters but watching it again on DVD I felt a vibe I had missed the first time around. It reminded me of something; something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. The love and positive energy, yet passion and activism seemed familiar in some way. And then a few days later as I was rewatching No Direction Home I realized where I had seen that before. The rock festivals from the 60’s. Newport, Monterrey Pop, Woodstock. Only this was our generation’s version. The difference was that these weren’t rockers, they were rappers and hip-hop artists. And one of them was Kanye. But he wasn’t alone. He was part of a movement. Kanye hadn’t killed rock, hip-hop had.

Now people have been declaring rock dead since almost the minute rock was born. There’s the famous speech Lester Bangs gives William Miller in Almost Famous about how rock in its last throes. And that was set in 1975. But much like Cheney’s assertion that the Iraqi insurgence was in its last throes, reports of rock’s demise were greatly exaggerated. Now sure, rock’s golden age was done by the late 70’s. It was in a slow but steady age of decline. And there was a moment when disco legitimately threatened to killed it off entirely. But even at the height of disco - 1977 the year of Saturday Night Fever - great rock was still being made and consumed by the mainstream. That year saw the release of such classic rock albums as The Clash, Never Mind the Bollocks, Bat Out of Hell, Rumours, Marquee Moon, and My Aim is True. The next year traditional rock albums The Cars and Van Halen each sold more than 5 million copies and launched two major careers. That same year The Rolling Stones and Blondie took disco and successfully integrated into their sounds while still making hit music that was clearly “rock and roll”. Along with The Cars, Van Halen, and The Clash the late 70’s saw the emergence of a host of other iconic and groundbreaking rock acts including The Ramones, The Police, The Talking Heads, AC/DC, Bruce Springsteen, The Sex Pistols and many more. And sure the 80’s have long been considered less than stellar years for rock, but hair metal dominated the early years of MTV and U2 was arguably the biggest musical act in the world. Sure there was Prince and Madonna and Michael Jackson but they were more isolated artists than part of any musical movement or trend. During all of these years when rock was supposedly “dead”, other than disco, (which even in its heyday was largely derided) nothing had come along to challenge rock’s supremacy as the dominant and most popular form of mainstream music. While people were declaring that rock was dead, there was still important, relevant, and groundbreaking music being made by rock artists and it was being played on the radio, consumed as part of the mainstream culture, and selling millions of copies. Rock was shooting off in different directions, but punk, post punk, grunge, and the like were keeping the soul and essence of rock alive and ensuring that it was still in some form the dominant force in mainstream music. It might not have been as good as it once was but it was still very much alive.

Fast forward to 2006. There is only one rock album in the top ten and only two in the top twenty. Of last year’s best selling albums, only two of the top ten were rock albums. This is better than the year before though, when only ONE of the top ten best selling albums was a rock album. Albums are doing better than singles though. Of the top ten songs on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart none of them are rock songs and of the top twenty only two are. This still is better than the Radio Airplay chart though, where none, NONE, of the top twenty songs are rock songs. This is probably largely due to the fact that there are less than twenty modern rock radio stations left in United States, including NONE in the nation’s largest market New York City. There are now more Tejano music stations than there are rock stations in the United States. And to make all of these numbers even more bleak, nearly 20% of all rock music sales over the past four years have been concentrated in the hands of four acts – Green Day, U2, Coldplay and The Killers. And Green Day and U2 are both comprised of guys over 40 years old. If rock today isn’t dead, I don’t know what dead is.

So after years of people crying wolf about rock’s demise, why is it now finally time to start actually crying? How did we get to this place? What happened?
Well, hip-hop happened.

Throughout history, art and music have grown and changed and evolved. And popular tastes have grown and changed and evolved right with them. Two hundred years ago, “classical” and opera were the dominant forms of popular music. Then it became big band and swing. And then Tin Pan Alley and crooners like Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby. And then rock and roll hit and somehow everyone thought that it was the be-all and end-all of popular music. That nothing would ever supplant it. But as anyone who knows anything about history and human nature could have told them, that was an absurdly ridiculous idea. Eventually something else would come along that would be more popular, and rock would fade into the background, becoming a popular form of music, but not THE popular form of music. Much like jazz or blues or country it would still be a vital music force with a large following, but it would not be the dominant type of music in term of sales, airplay and/or cultural significance. And sure enough that is exactly what has happened right before our very eyes. For 35 years rock reigned unchallenged at the head of the music table. Of course there was “pop”, but pop isn’t so much a type of music as a title to assign to music that has no “type”. Pop is after all simply short for “popular”. But then in the mid-90’s as the last real rock movement – grunge - was dying off, rap, the young upstart, started to pull even with rock in terms of sales and popularity. The mid-90’s for me were spent in junior high and if your junior high was anything like mine (Im sorry) then hip-hop was by FAR the preffered and most popular type of music. People that liked rock, at least in Texas, were seem as somewhat weird, and troubled. The first song I knew all the words to was "Ice Ice Baby" and I think its safe to say I am not alone in that regard. Nearly all of my junior high memories are attached to rap/R&B songs, as are, I would wager, most people’s my age. Whereas we associated rock with our parents, rap was OUR music. It had loads of profanity, violence, and graphic descriptions of sex. It was dangerous and rebellious. It was fresh and exciting. It was the common denominator in my ethnically and finically diverse junior high and high schools. Even the people who listened to rock were familiar with rap, whereas the inverse was definitely not true. And this is where Block Party comes in. Rap is a uniting force and a legitimate social movement like what rock was in its early days. And most importantly to our multi-cultural world today it is something that everyone can and does listen to. Not to generalize, but rock will never be fully embraced by the majority of black, Hispanic and other minority groups. It doesn’t speak to them like rap does, which is understandable. But white kids are all familiar with rap as it represents the rebellion, youthfulness, and good times that rock used to. And sure rap is largely seen as being about bling, blunts and bitches; but what is rock and roll linked to if not sex and drugs? And underneath both stereotypes there is much artistic relevancy in both types of music. This is where where rap has succeed where other challengers to rock's throne have failed.

For years rock was able to hold off rap because it was still far artistically superior. The playing field began to level out in the 90’s but rock was still able to produce important, classic, big selling works like Nevermind, OK Computer, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Ten and countless others. But as the new millennium dawned, hip-hop began to take over. Since 1998 only twice has a rock album won the Pazz and Jop year end critics poll and one of those was an album deemed so uncommercial by its label that they refused to release it (Yankee Hotel Foxtrot). And the other one was by Bob Dylan. In that same span, a rap album has come in first four times. And in that same time period, only once has the first place single not been a rap song.

So clearly rap has caught rock artistically. But is it artistically superior? Well here’s where I start getting the angry letters, but I say yes. And this is where Kanye comes in to back me up.

First though let me say that in many ways rock is doing better artistically than it has in a very long time. In terms of the amount of exciting, fresh new music being produced, rock is quite healthy. But a closer examination tells a different story. For all this great music being produced how much of it isn’t clearly derivative of someone (or “someones”) else? But who is Outkast derivative of? Or Wu-Tang Clan? Or Kanye? And sure there are truly original rock bands, but how much are they selling? When was the last time you heard a rock song and thought simultaneously “I’ve never heard anything like this before” and “this song is gonna be a huge mainstream hit”. "Float On" and "Take Me Out" come to mind but not a whole lot else. But I got that feeling twice in the first two songs off Late Registration. And that’s just one album. So sure there is great original rock music being made, but if a tree falls in a forest and non one is around does it make a sound? Well not a sound like a tree in a crowded forest makes. And rap is that crowded forest. Kanye was not only nominated for the Album of the Year Grammy the past two years, and not only did both of those albums win the Pazz and Jop as the most critically acclaimed album of the year, but they both were among the best selling albums of their respective years. They both spawned multiple instant classic hit singles. They spanned ethnic, age, gender, and national boundaries. How many current rockers can say the same about their first two albums? And the past 10 years have seen the rise of countless artistically relevant rap superstars other than Kanye. Jay-Z, Eminem, Outkast, Missy Elliot, and Lauryn Hill could all legitimately be called superstars who also are among the very best at what they do. Name a rock act that has released their debut since 1996 about whom you could say the same thing. Coldplay and The White Stripes - that’s about it. And Coldplay has more haters than Kobe Bryant. (And don’t tell me The Strokes, because as great as they are I don’t know of a single person who bought their latest album. And if I as a 20-something living in New York City don’t know anyone who bought their album, then you can’t say that they are superstars by any stretch of the imagination.)

And that’s what’s most troubling about rock. While rap seems to be churning new stars out of the woodwork, rock has only been able to create two superstar bands in ten years. Most of the biggest bands in rock have been around since the 80s (U2, Red Hot Chili Peppers) or the early 90s (Pearl Jam, Green Day, Radiohead) and are getting old. And no one is coming along to replace them. And with rock radio dying out and record labels signing fewer and fewer rock acts every year, there’s little hope on the horizon.

So where is rock headed? Well it will never completely die. There will always be a market for rock and great rock songs will always find a place in the national consciousness. In the past few years rock bands like Evanescence, Fall Out Boy and The Killers have all released hugely successful CDs. (Although notably all of them have yet to release a follow-up). There will always be a market for rock and great rock music will still be being made when we are 80. But as rock’s old guard dies out something dies with it and that is its spirit. It gets me thinking that in our accelerated age maybe art forms only have a life span as long as their founders. Because in many ways rock has run out of places to go and has started to double back on itself and eat its young (or in this case its “old” I guess). If you need proof, look no further than the biggest rock song of the moment, "Dani California". It’s clearly a recycled version of Tom Petty’s "Mary Jane's Last Dance". Pretty much everyone agrees on this. Meanwhile look at the hottest hip-hop song of the moment “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley. (And if you want to say it’s not a hip-hop song, well Cee-Lo is a rapper and Danger Mouse is exclusively a hip-hop producer so I fail to see how you could call it anything else) What other song in the world could you even remotely compare it to? None. When I listen to old rock albums from the 60s and 70s like Blonde on Blonde or Pet Sounds or Abbey Road or Dark Side of the Moon, I try to imagine what it must have been like to live back then and hear those albums for the first time and to have never heard anything like them before in your entire life. Well that’s what rap is like NOW. Listening to The Marshall Mathers LP or Speakerboxx/The Love Below or Late Registration for the first time recaptures what it must have felt like to listen to those classic rock albums of the 60s and 70s for the first time. And like rock back then, hip-hop is still young, and still has places to go. Like early rock, it has started incorporating other types of music. There is jazz/rap, soul/rap, disco/rap, techno/rap, country/rap and of course, rock/rap. Most things in rap today you can find equivalents or parallels for in the early days of rock (Speakerboxx/The Love Below is The White Album, Cee-Lo is Van Morrison, The Marshall Mathers LP is John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band, etc.) Watching Block Party is like watching Woodstock. The sense of community, of passion, of being able to change the world is all there. All the things that rock stood for in its infancy can be found in rap today. I think its safe to say that rap IS rock from 30 years ago. Rock today may be dead, but hip-hop is just getting started. It is the new rock. It has picked up rock’s soul and made it its own. So mourn rock’s demise, but at the same time rise up your glass and gimme a cheer. “Rock is dead, long live rock!”


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Smoothies
2.) Cee-Lo
3.) John Hodgeman
3 & 1/2.) Realizing that "Mr. Blue Sky" is a take off on Paul's part of "Day in the Life"

Thought of the Week:
Friday the 14th is the birthday of your favorite online journal author. You should buy him a present. Like a life.

Border Patrol

Note: Originally written for Dutchwest. And maybe the shortest thing ever posted here. Nevertheless, enjoy. Ill have something longer soon.

Border Patrol

I’ve been hearing a lot recently about the immigrant debate going in this country. Illegal immigrants are fighting for their rights while other people are fighting to get them out of our country. These people claim that the immigrants are stealing our jobs, using up our resources, and threatening our very way of life. And I must say I agree with them 100 percent. Like them, I think that a wall should be built along our border.
Because we must find a way to keep out all these fucking Canadians.

Sure they do jobs Americas don’t want to do, like play hockey, watch Blue Jays games and be Mike Myers. And sure some of them are fine people. But most of them are dirty, lazy Canucks

Not that this is a racial thing.

Because it isn’t…

Not in the least bit.

It’s just that these people aren’t true Americans. I mean what’s with that “eh” crap? If you want to live in America learn how to speak proper English already! And if it wasn’t bad enough that their music was taking over our airwaves (thanks Celine and Alanis), now I come to find out that they have their own version of The National Anthem. It’s called “Oh, Canada”. “Oh, Get Out Of My Country” is more like it!

And its not just Canadians that bother me either. It’s all immigrants of Anglo-Saxon heritage. The Welsh and the Australians are coming over here every day on their homemade rafts or as stowaways on cargo ships. And they’re all alike. They look the same, they talk the same, but yet when you call some guy “Canadian” he has to correct you and say, “actually I’m British”. Who cares? I mean like it really matters. What’s the difference anyway? They’re all fucking “sticky backs” in my eyes. (So named cuz of, you know, all the maple syrup in Canada.)

So listen up Canucks. There are three and only three things you’re good for:
- your incredibly sexy entertainers like Rachel McAdams, Neve Campbell, and John Candy
- your food and drink which consist of syrup, Labatt Blue, and apparently something called fiddleheads
- and your vaguely American seeming cities where underage Americans can go party, get drunk, and obtain illegal goods and services.

If you notice, nowhere on that list was “populate Vermont”. So get your dirty, syrupy, hockey-loving asses out of my country right now and don’t ever come back. Or as you would say in Canada, “get your dirty syrupy, hockey-loving asses out of my country right now and don’t ever come back, eh?”



Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) HBO on Demand
2.) Lucky Louie
3.) British music magazines
3 & 1/2.) Astoria Park


Thought of the Week:
I know it might be called myspace, but somehow I dont feel a very strong sense of ownership about it.

Feast on Scraps II

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