On Demand

I have a new favorite day of the week.

It’s Monday.

Sure Friday starts the weekend. And Sunday is the Lords Day or whatever. And Wednesday is referred to as Hump Day, which is always fun to say. But Monday trumps them all. I know this is a controversial position to take, but allow me to explain:

Monday is the day the HBO changes their On Demand offerings.

Wow, that was actually a rather short explanation.

Now you may think that HBO changing their On Demand offerings hardly qualifies as the highlight of a week. That it hardly is worth looking forward to the way one would look forward to Christmas. That one should not lose sleep the night before because they are too giddy with anticipation. But then clearly you do not have HBO on Demand.

Now on the other side, there are perhaps some of you who have advanced beyond HBO On Demand and moved onto the orgiastic ecstasy filled utopia that surely is TiVo or DVR. For those lucky few of you I must say that I envy you with every fiber of my being. I might soon join your ranks if only I can find a way to afford to pay for food and also DVR for you see I am a poor starving artist who despises any form of work which thus means I will forever be trapped in my current financial plight. Plus I do have serious concerns that if I ever got DVR I would never leave my house. For real. So as my life stands now, my only on demand experience with TV is HBO On Demand. And it has forever changed my life.

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Many of you have probably been complaining loudly to your friends and family recently about how I never write anymore. Well I have a very good excuse: I’ve been watching TV.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past few years you’ve probably heard the argument that we are currently living in the golden age of TV. People always lament the fact that music, and movies and the world in general aren’t as good as they used to be. That we missed out on all the best stuff, and that art today isn’t what it used to be. And that my be all well and good, but what they are neglecting to mention is that television today is better than its ever been. People in the future will look back on TV of the '00s the same way they look back on movies of the '70s or music of the '60s. This is because finally, after fifty years, TV’s potential as an artistic medium is for the first time being fully realized.

Quick: name the first great TV drama from before 1990. One that you have actually seen and marveled at and that holds up today. Can’t think of any? That’s because they didn’t really exist. TV was the home of great comedies, not great dramas. Now I’m sure they made good dramas before the '90s, but for they didn’t make great transcendent ones. And they didn’t make ones that stand the test of time. Comedy ran TV not drama; and the dramas that did exist were intended as mass entertainment and not “art”. Because TV was an entertainment medium not an artistic one. But in the past ten years TV has rapidly shed its long held reputation as an artistic ghetto, a place where second rate actors and directors worked because they couldn’t crack the movie business. Sometime in the not so distant past, as the line dividing TV and movies began to blur and artists were able to cross between the two with greater ease, great minds begin to see the medium's true storytelling potential. The ability to tell drawn out complicated stories filled with tons of characters and that could unfold slowly over weeks, months, and even years. You could do things, tell stories, create emotional connections with characters that you could never do in a two to three hour movie. Creative people finally realizing and taking advantage of the potential of television as a dramatic storytelling medium has allowed TV to stop being seen as the redhead stepchild to movies and, in many ways, become equal to movies, if not superior.

I read an interview the other day with Jason Lee in which he claimed he didn’t watch TV and it made him sound like an ignorant backwater ingrate who needed to get with the times. People didn’t have those kinds of reactions to non-TV watchers even five years ago. But as some guy might have said at one time or another, the times they are a’changin. A-list actors now turn down movie work for TV work. Quentin Tarantino directs episodes of CSI. David Mamet writes The Unit. And most of the biggest stars in the world regularly appear on TV shows or even attempt to star in or produce their own. The divide between TV and film is disappearing to the point of insignificance.

People are lamenting the death of the sitcom and to some degree it has “died’ because TV is now shooting for art and not entertainment. It’s being used as a storytelling medium and not a diversion. TV is now ruled by drama. As is TNT apparently. Many of the “comedies” (Entourage, Desperate Housewives, Weeds, ect.) today are ostensibly dramas with some levity mixed in. Reality TV now plays that role that sitcoms used to. And for cheaper. And even it has complex storylines to follow and a huge cast of characters to keep up with. And sure you can still “veg out” in front of the TV, but more and more television is something that requires intense thought and commitment. And, as has been well documented, HBO has played a huge role in all this.

I remember when The Sopranos came out years ago and the press went on and on about how the freedom from having to break for commercials and the ability to say and do whatever you wanted allowed for a rich, realistic quality of storytelling that TV had never been able to achieve before. And that episodes of The Sopranos each had the quality of hour-long films. The popularity of The Sopranos and other HBO programs then led to an explosion of other cable networks creating their own original programming and soon the competition was so fierce that the broadcast networks realized that they couldn’t just put on the same old crap anymore and expect people to watch it. They had to improve the quality of their shows if they wanted people to watch because now people had options. The reason TV has been so good throughout so much of our lifetime is that, as they say in business, increased competition leads to increased quality for the consumer. And now as a consumer, there’s so much quantity that its easy to find some really great quality. There’s so much great TV on today that is impossible to keep up with it all. Luckily TV on DVD has helped with that problem. But even better than that is TV on Demand. I’ve been paying for HBO on Demand for almost two years now but it wasn’t until about six months ago that I realized I even had it. At first I didn’t use it much, but then slowly Entourage become my gateway drug of sorts and now my life literally revolves around it. I’ll watch anything they put on Demand. I swear if they put a show called Watching Paint Dry on demand I would probably give it a shot. And it has interfered with my regular TV watching now too. I now get angry when watching non-On Demand shows that I can’t fast forward or rewind them. And if I have to sit through that Nick Lachey Clix Body Shots commercial one more time I will seriously kill someone. And it seems completely unreasonable to expect me to watch shows only at the time and date that they are aired. I mean who do they think I am? Someone with no life who can just plan his schedule around what time certain shows air?
That question was intended to be rhetorical.
Anyway, as someone who has now become an official TV addict I thought it was time to share with you some thoughts on the shows I waste my life with. Most are on HBO but some are on regular old TV. And it’s worth noting that some of the shows I mention as being On Demand are no longer there. I made some of these notes like a month ago, but it’s too hard to tear myself away from TV to actually write. If you’d like to hear from me more, find me a day job where I can sit at a desk with a computer. In the meantime you’ll have to deal with thoughts about shows you probably didn’t see and now can never see. Nothing like reading pretentious drivel about stuff you’ve never heard of before. Well except for reading reviews on Pitchfork. And yes that was just a convoluted excuse to take a dig at Pitchfork. But seriously though, Pitchfork sucks.

Entourage:
-Unfortunately they just took the most recent season of Entourage off demand and replaced it with the first four episodes of the series. If you’ve never seen the show before I would recommend not using the first four episodes as your introduction to it. They aren’t very good, compared with the most recent season and they might potentially sour you on the series as a whole. Plus Entourage is really not a show you need to start watching from the beginning to appreciate or understand. And I say that as someone who is insanely anal about not coming in on TV series midstream. But I came into Entourage halfway through Season 2 and was able to appreciate it just fine. If you have the intelligence of a mildly retarded chimp you should be able to pick up on the characters, basic premise and all the major storylines just from watching any random 5 minute segment of any random episode. So if you’re new to the show just wait until they switch up the On Demand offerings and give some more recent episodes. But for those of you who DO watch Entourage:

-I buy Vince being a huge Ramones fan about as much as I buy him as a believable human being. Or as much as I buy that he would actually be friends with “E”. Which is to say I don’t buy it at all.

-If I told you that if Martin Landau doesn’t get nominated for an Emmy next year that I will personally go the Emmy Headquarters and just start opening fire, would that be something that you would be interested in?

(As a side note if you have never seen Martin Landau in Ed Wood do yourself a favor and rent it tonight. One of the most well deserved Oscars of all time.)

-You know you might watch way too much Entourage when your first reaction upon seeing Matt Dillon interviewed is, “hey that guy looks just like Johnny Drama”.

-HBO seems to really specialize in great shows with terrible acting.

-And on that subject, yes I am conflicted about the fact that I love Entourage and yet it is basically the male Sex and the City and that I loath Sex and the City with every fiber of my being and think that it is the cause of all that is wrong with the world. It’s hard to reconcile or even understand this hypocrisy within myself. It’s actually hard to understand why I like Entourage in the first place. Its two leads are probably two of the worst actors ever on TV. In fact, everyone except Turtle, Drama, and, of course, Ari, are dreadful actors. I mean where do they find the god awful actors for the bit parts for that show? The BA program at Marymount? (Oh, stop with the hate mail, I kid because I love.) In addition, the show is shallow and not that well done. And, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but it’s the male Sex and The City. And yet I know that the first thing I did after coming back from New Hampshire, before even unpacking, was to watch the new episodes I had missed of Entourage. What can I say; this past season they really perfected the whole cliffhanger at the end of every episode thing. And the writing was actually really strong too. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself to help myself sleep at night.

-Has anyone ever been more valuable to a show than Jeremy Piven is to Entourage? I don’t think Martin Short is as integral to the success of Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me as Jeremy Piven is to Entourage. Without him the show is literally unwatchable, but with him, it’s must see TV. I know I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. No one has ever deserved an award more than Jeremy Piven deserved his Emmy.

-Whether it’s TV on the Radio or Queens of the Stone Age, Entourage always has the most kick ass music to end the show. It’s like the testosterone version of Greys Anatomy. It’s becoming to new music today what The O.C. was to new music four years ago. And even though its not new, might I suggest “Begging You” by The Stone Roses as closing credit music on an episode next season? You can thank me later.

-Seth Green’s posse is/was like my favorite thing ever. Thought that was worth mentioning.

Real Time With Bill Maher:
I don’t think its possible to be more conflicted about someone than I am about Bill Maher. I think he’s a smug, misogynistic, unlikable prick who is to the left what Fox News is to the right. He’s an extremist who is not actually that smart or well informed but don’t you dare try and argue with him. And yet I love his show. I think it's great. It’s some of the best political discourse on TV and it's always informative and entertaining to watch. I think my feelings are best encapsulated by this: I finished reading an interview with him in Rolling Stone recently and I thought "wow, I really hate that guy", and then immediately sat down and watched two episodes of his show back to back.

-Why do we consider unreasonable yelling extremists on the right to be wacko evil nut jobs, but unreasonable yelling extremists on the left to be brave geniuses who "tell it like it is"? Something to think about.

-If you want to see Bill get put in his place and also watch a lesson for how to be an effective conservative guest on his show then watch the episode with Christopher Hitchens. After seeing it, Hitchens is my new favorite person. I even found myself siding with him against Bill at times. He made some great points which, although I may disagree with, I still respect and think are valid. It’s what political discourse should be like. But instead Hitchens got booed mercilessly and wound up walking out of the show at the end. Of course that might have something to do with the fact he flicked the audience off, but still.

-On the opposite end of the spectrum on the “how to be a conservative guest on the show” is Sandy Rios. Watching her and Bradley Whitford shout over each other was just painful. And she came off like an insane wacko. Which she is. But that’s beside the point. The point is, two people shouting over each other for 30 minutes is not good TV.

-I think the way to solve a lot of this would be if they would remove the studio audience. I think the same thing applies to The Daily Show. I feel very strongly that the quality of both shows would improve if there wasn’t a highly biased audience there to applaud every remotely liberal comment and boo every remotely conservative comment. It makes it hard to have a real conversation about anything because the conservative guest feels uncomfortable and on the defensive the whole time and the liberal host is given a heightened sense of superiority.

-New rule: don’t cut to the shots of the panelists laughing during New Rules. They’re always fake over-laughing. It’s like going to a comedy club with Tom Cruise.

The Comeback:
-Has there ever been a good show that was less enjoyable to watch? I mean if you thought the British Office was painful to watch at times, that show makes The Comeback look like, I dunno, something unpainful to watch. The level of embarrassment you feel for Valerie is just off the charts. No wonder the show only lasted one season. I can’t believe it even lasted five episodes. Who would possibly want to watch a show where the likable main character is so constantly embarrassed and humiliated in such a painfully honest way? Unlike David Brent, Valerie was such a good person and so likeable that I would often find myself having to fast forward through almost entire episodes because they were too hard to watch. But yet I kept watching episode after episode. I guess I just like pain. That’s should have been their slogan. “The Comeback: The show for masochists”. I kept coming back though because it is a really great show. Lisa Kudrow did an absolutely outstanding job. And it gave some great and brutally honest insight into the acting world. I just don’t know who at HBO ever thought this would find an audience. It definitely has to be one of the least commercially viable shows ever to be put on the air. But props to HBO for doing so.

Lucky Louie:
-I know everyone in America and in the television criticism industry piled on this show and said it was the worst thing since Homeboys in Outer Space or whatever, but I really don’t see what the big deal was. Sure the acting was dreadful. Sure Louie C.K. made Jerry Seinfeld look like Laurence Olivier and Jerry Minor made Adrian Grenier look like Marlon Brando. And sure there was always the sense that the show wasn’t living up to its potential. And sure it was rarely laugh out loud funny. But I liked what they were trying to do. And there were some really smart moments. The characters were just regular folks like you almost never see on TV, and their problems were incredibly honest and true to life. It was like Seinfeld in the way as it dealt with flawed characters and the minutia of life, but only the minutia of life for a lower class working family instead of rich New Yorkers. And some of the episodes, like "Flowers for Kim", dealt with relationships as honestly as anything I’ve ever seen. But ultimately none of this really matters because it’s canceled and chances are you never saw it. And despite all its virtues it’s not really worth renting or seeking out. So just forget we ever had this conversation.

When the Levees Broke:
-As someone who has seen more than my fair share of documentaries I think I can safely say that this is the best and most important documentary of all time. It’s a big statement I know, but I don’t know what else to say about it. After seeing it, it only deepens my belief that Katrina is as big and important a tragedy as 9/11 and yet was not, and has not ever, been treated as such. Just watch this movie please. You’ll be glad you did.

Dane Cook: Vicious Circle:
-Watching Dane Cook is like stepping into some alternate universe.
See I barely know who Dane Cook is. If I fell on Dane Cook in the street I wouldn’t recognize him or care. I mean last I had heard of Dane Cook he was the fourth guy mentioned in the ads for Dave Attell’s Insomniac tour. And then I watch his stand up special and there’s like 10,000 people going insane over his every non-funny utterance. Its like theyre in some cult or something. They even have their own hand sign. It’s like some crazy world where Dane Cook is the most popular and talented man in existence. I mean he was getting a standing ovation after every line! And, here’s the key part, none of the lines were remotely funny. Who are all these people who like Dane Cook? Where did they come from? How did they get here? How, why and when did he get so popular? And for the love of God could someone please explain to me how anyone in their right mind could find him funny? With so much great standup out there how does this guy get two HBO shows in three months? I feel like I would be angry about this if I could at all comprehend it.

(By the way, if through some freak accident you have never seen Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now, it’s currently available on HBO On Demand. I cannot urge you strongly enough to watch it. Other than Bigger and Blacker it is definitely the stand up special I quote most often. I would do the whole thing for you myself but Ellen’s delivery is like 60% of the humor. So watch it. Now.)

Wait ‘Til Next Year:
-This is the Cubs documentary that’s currently available and I encourage you to check it out. It’s really great, and that’s coming from someone who thinks the Cubs are the Antichrist. But seriously, if you’re anything like me you’ll cry (during the end of the ’84 collapse segment), you’ll laugh (at the old blind guy at the end because he’s probably going to die without ever seeing the Cubs win the World Series) and you’ll realize that you’re probably going straight to hell. I just have two other things to say on the matter: 1.) They kind of rushed over the ’03 saga which was one of the best memories of my life. 2.) While watching the documentary you may start to feel sorry for Cubs fans and that’s okay. It’s only human. But just don’t forget, there’s a reason the Cubs haven’t won in 98 years and that’s because the Cubs don’t deserve to win because they are a terrible team and their fans are terrible people. And yes I do take baseball a little too seriously, but we all already knew that didn’t we?

Three non-HBO shows:
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip:
- We can all agree to just call it simply Studio 60 now right?

- If you thought I wouldn’t have some comments about Studio 60 then you must have never met me. So here they are: I think it’s a great show. I really enjoy it. But it’s no West Wing. At least not yet. I don’t even know if it’s Sports Night, but that’s slightly unfair because this is the only Sorkin show I’ve ever had to wait a week for new episodes of. Not being able to watch the whole season on DVD in 3 days makes it feel harder to get into. Still though a late night TV show doesn’t have the same gravitas as the fate of the free world. And while we’re at it a late night TV show somehow doesn’t seem to have the gravitas as a cable sports program. Speaking of which…

-So it seems that complaining about the quality of the show within the show on Studio 60 has replaced complaining that Sam’s Town is no Born to Run as the new hipster pop culture complaint du jour. And I have to say I agree. Although I don’t know how much the poor quality of the show within the show actually bothers me and how much I’ve just been influenced to think that it bothers me. But nevertheless it is a problem. The show within the show on Sports Night was what a sports show in an ideal fantasy world would be like. The president on The West Wing was what the president in an ideal fantasy world would be like. The show within the show on Studio 60 is what a sketch comedy show on a third rate CBS would be like. And that’s a problem. But not as big a problem as…

-Amanda Peet, I have seen Allison Janney, and you my friend are no Allison Janney. Nor are you Felicity Huffman. Hell, you’re not even NiCole Robinson. In fact, you may be the worst actor to ever appear on a Sorkin show. And remember, Dule Hill was on The West Wing. If Studio 60 has a fatal flaw, Amanda Peet is definitely it. I just honestly can’t figure out how she got cast. I mean how could the man who wrote and perfectly cast six of the greatest female TV roles of all time (C.J. Cregg, Donna Moss, Ainsley Hayes, Dana Whitaker, Natalie Hurley, and, especially, Amy Gardner) possibly make such a huge mistake. On the bright side I can now do at least one really good celebrity impersonation. And so can you. Ill teach you how. Open your eyes wide, give the slightest of smiles humanly possible, and stare completely blankly ahead into space no matter what happens. There, you’re doing a spot on Amanda Peet! Congrats!

- If there was ever a network show that should probably be on HBO instead, Studio 60 is it. I’m already worried about its ratings. I’ve never gotten attached to a show that got canceled before, but really how in the hell does NBC think this is going to find a mass audience? The lighting alone should alienate like 3/4th of America. Does this show take place in the dark ages or something? And no I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.

-One of the strengths of Sorkin shows is how good all of the characters are. Every person on screen is somehow interesting and unique. On Studio 60 so far we have two outstanding hall of fame characters, one decent if slightly one dimensional character, and one good character with nothing to do. Everyone else kind of seems a bit like dead weight. And as outstanding as Bradley Whitford and Mathew Perry are, the show really suffers when they’re not on the screen. And I don’t know if the charisma and chemistry of two characters is enough to carry an entire show, especially one with a cast this size. Hopefully they’ll give Timothy Busfeld or Nate Cordry more to do soon. Or bring in Joshua Malina.

-After having Felicity Huffman in the pilot I’m praying they’ll bring in more people from previous Sorkin shows. Its not like they have a shortage of actors to choose from in that regard. I feel like if/when Janel Moloney ever pops up I might just wet myself. Wait, did I just admit to that out loud?

-And since it seems like I’ve been doing a lot of hating I do have to balance that out by saying that Mathew Perry is fucking FANtastic. He’s the Jeremy Piven of Studio 60. To take nothing away from Bradley Whitford, but Matthew Perry’s work is making his other “Friends” look like Peter Scolari to his Tom Hanks. Before all is said and done he might just be my new favorite person ever.

Greys Anatomy:
-Speaking of unappealing lead female characters…
Has there ever been a show before where the main character was the least likeable person in the cast? Meredith Grey isn’t just setting women back 50 years, she’s setting all of humanity back 50 years. It’s really just becoming embarrassing at this point. Plus now her face looks plastic. Literally plastic. I guess the mildly attractive version of E.T. look from last year just wasn’t working for her anymore. And no it’s not even remotely plausible at this point that two guys would be fighting over her. But whatever.

-Speaking of implausible….has there ever been a less believable couple than George and Callie? I mean, besides the fact that they’re completely incompatible and have absolutely no chemistry, she’s like three times his size. And when did George go from being likable to a mildly annoying whiner?

- I worry that the Friends syndrome is already starting to happen. And by that I mean that the characters are starting to become slightly one-dimensional caricatures of themselves. And don’t tell me you don’t already see it starting to slightly happen. From a cast that did such phenomenal work last season I would really hate to see it occur.

- To put this as nicely as possible: I don’t think Chris O’Donnell needs to worry about preparing an Emmy acceptance speech.

- They really should give Alex Chambers more to do. He seems like a really good actor, but it’s hard to tell because he’s being severely underused.

- Speaking of underused, can they hurry up and get Izzie back the hospital again? If there are Meredith guys and Izzie guys I’m 180% an Izzie guy. Of course, assuming that there are guys who are fans of either, assumes that there are straight guys other than myself who watch Greys Anatomy. And that might be assuming a little much.

The Daily Show:
-I don’t think anyone has ever tried to push anything that the American public was completely indifferent about as hard as The Daily Show is pushing John Oliver. I thought John Hodgeman was supposed to be the new Cordry? What happened to that? And where’s Demtri Martin? I mean I get excited now for a fucking Jason Jones piece. That’s how bad the correspondent situation has gotten. Seriously, nothing against John Oliver, but he’s just so mediocre it gets old seeing him every single night of your life.

-I think its about time to put an end to all this The Colbert Report is better than The Daily Show nonsense. Seriously what is with all you hipsters? Cut it out. You’re wrong. Sure The Daily Show is going through a bit of a rough patch, but The Colbert Report is not a very good show. You know what my reaction is when The Colbert Report comes on? “Time to go to sleep”. The other night I wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep and wanted to keep watching TV after The Daily Show went off, and I was only able to watch The Colbert Report for about five minutes before changing the channel. I wound up watching a show about turtles. And I don’t even like turtles! So seriously people stop with all this Colbert Report nonesne. Colbert is a great and funny guy and his speech at the Correspondants Dinner was one of the greatest moments for comedy in my lifetime. But saying The Colbert Report is better than The Daily Show is like saying the news show on the public access station is better than CNN. I just hope The Colbert Report backlash starts soon.

And finally I think it’s worth noting that I finally took the plunge and now have in my possession Season 4 of The West Wing. I’m not even halfway through it yet but it’s thrilling to be back in the world of The West Wing again. I have a few parting thoughts on it:

-Winnie Cooper! Someone should have told me she was in this! And Amy Adams was in the first episode of the season as well! This show really has the greatest casting of all time. It’s unreal. I’m speechless.

-I would say something about how much I love Amy Gardner but I can’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t make me sound like an insane stalker. I think at this point its probably worth noting that Amy Gardner is a fictional character and that Mary Louise Parker isn’t actually like that. Or at least that’s what my therapist keeps trying to tell me. But still, if I ever run into Billy Crudup on the street it would be seriously hard for me to restrain myself from punching him in the face while yelling “Claire Danes!?! Claire fucking Danes!?!? Are you out of your goddamn mind!!!” I mean I know he was Russell Hammond and all but COME ON. Who the hell dumps Amy Gardner for Claire Danes? No one who doesn’t deserve to have their ass kicked that’s for sure. Maybe Ill scrounge up the money go see Coast of Utopia after all.

And speaking of intelligent women: here’s my new favorite quote courtesy of Bruno Gianelli: (in reference to female voters) “Anyone who has a five point majority and still doesn’t control the agenda might be spending a little too much time too much time reading about how to get a man to get over his fear of commitment.”
Amen to that brother. Sometimes I don’t know if I feel like such a feminist BECAUSE most of my friends are girls or DESPITE it.

Anyway, until next time, stay classy San Diego.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) THE DEPARTED!!
2.) Did I mention The Departed yet?
3.) Time Out New York
3 & 1/2.) NetFlix

Thought of the Week:
If you were Patrick Wilson in Little Children how could you possibly choose between Jennifer Connelly and Kate Winslet? That like making Meryl Streep choose which child she wants to save and which one she wants to let die in Sophies Choice. I mean its just an impossibly hard choice.

Note From the Author and More Random Thoughts

Four and a half years ago, like many guys my age I moved to New York in hopes of finding fame, fortune, and someone to teach me how to play R&B/Blues guitar. Well in my first week in the city I found neither fame nor fortune, but I did find that Dan Smith could teach me how to play guitar. And I had every intention of taking him up on that offer, but in between the planes crashing and the buildings falling and the trying to figure out excatly how to define that smell in the 51st Street subway station, I got kind of sidetracked. And the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years and next thing I knew I was a New Yorker with places to be and people to see and fame and fortune to acquire. Only problem was the fame and fortune were harder to acquire than it seemed. So I did what every single human being on the face of the Earth did and started a blog. It kept me entertained and stimulated, but somehow through some terrible fluke or accident or some kind fame and fortune still managed to allude me. And so I got a real job and I discovered the magical world of credit cards and pretended that everything was fine. But it wasn’t fine. I needed a change And so a few weeks ago I did the unthinkable. I left Manhattan and moved to Queens. It was new start and it was a great one. But in between the moving and the working and the complaining about the working and the continuing evasiveness of fame and fortune I thought maybe there was no place in this new world, this magical land of Astoria Queens, for fredtheonlinejournal. And so I was all set to shut it down, when a savior came in the most unexpected way. At a party I shouldn’t even have been at, a person I barely knew came up and told me how much he enjoyed the blog and to keep up the good work. Well now I couldn’t let down my fan could I? And so the next day, in the land of souvlaki, gyros, and Mythos beer, the world headquarters of Fredtheonlinejournal opened for business once again. And with renewed vigor thoughts and words flew out of it. And while fame and fortune continued to elude me I was back to my roots and back where I belonged – wasting ridiculous amounts of time writing about crap that absolutely no one else cared about. And life was good.

Now I know what you’re asking yourself: “when will this ridiculously long intro end?” And also, “enough about you, what does this have to do with me?” Well what this means for you is that there will be regular articles again. And frequent posts. And it also serves as an explanation for my absence. But never fear. There will be no more absences. (At least not until I change my mind again.) So for now enjoy some of the random thoughts I had while on hiatus. And tell your friends about them. And maybe one day I'll have fame. And fortune. And Dan Smith will finally be able to teach me how to play R&B/Blues guitar.

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* So wait, I’m confused, is Larry a Cable Guy or a Health Inspector?

* Ever noticed how in college you can study “liberal arts” or major in “liberal studies” but there’s no such thing as “conservative arts” or “conservative studies”?

* I think It’s difficult to know anyone who’s really worth knowing.

* I saw an episode of NBC’s version of The Office recently and despite all odds it was actually really good. In fact I thought it was on par in its own way with the BBC version. Granted it was only one episode but apparently its been getting really good reviews recently overall. Who’d have thunk? I might even have to start watching it. And maybe you should too.

* On a semi-related note, can someone let Ricky Gervais know that no one cares about The Simpsons anymore?

* Since I know (or at least I hope) that there are a lot of Aaron Sorkin fans that read this blog, I feel I should say a few words about Sports Night. And the words are this: Watch It. Sure its not as good as West Wing, and sure at times the writing’s a little unpolished and Sorkin’s still finding his way, and sure other than Felicity Huffman the acting isn’t by any means stellar, and sure the episodes Sorkin didn’t write or only wrote parts of are pretty obvious, and sure the relationships on the show aren’t really believable, but still, its Aaron Sorkin and its better than 95% of shows that there have ever been. Which is why it’s a shame its so under recognized. The West Wing is huge and yet fewer people have seen Sports Night than have seen Freaks and Geeks. (Which if you haven’t seen yet, should be first on your priority list). The argument I hear most often for not watching it is – “I don’t like/care about sports”. But it’s not really about sports at all. That would be like not watching Grey’s Anatomy because you’re not really into medicine. Just give it a chance. Go to Blockbuster or Netflix, check it out, watch the whole first disc, and if you’re not hooked I’ll give you your money back. It takes a few episodes to get going so hang in there at first. And yes the laugh track does go away very soon. But it has a lot to offer. Great likeable characters (it even manages to make Peter Krause seem semi-talented and likeable – no small feat). Engaging story lines. A guest appearance by the incomparable Janel Moloney. The obvious seeds of what would become the West Wing (including an entire episode about everyone’s plans being held up by an old guy who refused to lose a tennis match that was recycled almost exactly by The West Wing) Amazing, astounding, too good for words to describe-level work by Felicity Huffman. And most importantly - great, clever writing. And did I mention Felicity Huffman? So give Sports Night a shot; I wouldn’t steer you wrong.

(On a related note: noticing the jump in quality from Sports Night to West Wing has me off the charts excited to see if Sorkin will make a similar level jump with Studio 60 on Sunset Strip. And even though that seems impossible, early indications are that he actually might. I remember hearing about its pilot script being the hottest thing in Hollywood almost a year ago. And every report from everyone who has come across it has said it’s by far the best TV pilot they’ve ever read. And now Matthew Perry is attached to star. And never before have an actor and writer been more perfectly suited for each other than Matthew Perry and Aaron Sorkin. They make Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro look like the odd couple. So long story short, my expectations and anticipation for Studio 60 on Sunset Strip couldn’t be any higher. Well unless of course it was called Snakes on a Plane. But more on that later…)

* While we’re talking about Aaron Sorkin, here are a few brief thoughts on Season 3 of The West Wing. Humor me. Or just skip right past them. Either way here they are:
-Wow they got Al Pacino to be on the show! Oh wait…that’s just Ron Silver.
-Too many new characters are starting to stretch things a bit thin.
-Story lines are starting to get dropped. Like what ever happened to Donna’s man? And to Bruno and his crew?
-The scene between Josh and Amy in “Women of Kumar” is probably my favorite scene from any TV show/and or movie ever. There are no words to describe its brilliance.
-Okay, how could Bartlett not win reelection in a landslide? I don’t really buy that there could be anyone in this fictional America who wouldn’t like him.
-While talking about implausibility, Bartlett’s comment about Ritchie is the first legitimately implausible thing the show has tried to pull off.
-Amy Gardner listens to Van Morrison. Its official, she’s the most perfect woman ever.
-How could something this smart have gotten such high ratings? I really don’t understand.
-What happened to Charlie and Zoey? Are they still dating? Is Zoey even still alive? Not that I’m complaining, I’m just asking.
-If I could own anything in the world, I would want the actual framed napkin prop they used in “Bartlett for America”. I sincerely hope it still exists somewhere so that I can get rich someday and buy it.

* If you wear a hat to the gym, you’re just tacky. But if you wear a Von Dutch hat to the gym, you have no worth as a human being.

* Im pissed. Amelie Gillette (aka "The Hater") of The Onion's AV Club stole my dream day job.

* Have you heard the new R. Kelly song? The one with the line “It’s like Jurassic Park/ and I’m your Sexosaurus”? I don’t even know what to say about R. Kelly anymore. I mean what can you possibly say at this point? I’m literally speechless. I only hope he realizes that he just barely missed the Pulitzer deadline, so he’ll have to wait almost a whole year before he can collect his award.

* There are few words in the English language more fun than “bouillon”. Between “bouillon” and “doubloons” pirates have really made some of the best contributions to the English language. See I told you pirates arrrrr awesome.

* You know that person who you barely know and were never even really formally introduced to but whenever you see them they always act like you’re best friends and assault you with long pointless stories that only serve to embarrass themselves, but instead of telling them to shut up and go away you just tune them out and nod occasionally to give the appearance that you’re listening? I feel like that’s America’s relationship with Eva Longoria.

* I’m glad to see that Cinco De Mayo is becoming the new St. Patrick’s Day. It really brings me immeasurable joy that there are now two culturally acceptable mainstream holidays whose sole reason for being is to give people a valid excuse to get as drunk as humanly possible. And absolutely no one has a problem with this. At all. It’s times like this when I remember how much I love America.

(And yes I realize both days are technically foreign holidays, but that almost makes it better. It shows that we Americans know how to adopt the very best parts of other cultures and make them our own.)

* I think it’s interesting to consider the fact that the Arts and Entertainment sections of many papers are called “Life” or “Lifestyle”. In the words of Outkast, go and marinate on that for a minute.

* Just for the record, I had “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley on my iPod over two months ago. And yes, now I understand the whole “get mad and defensive when something you like goes too mainstream” phenomenon. On the flip side though we haven’t a good legitimate universal “song of the summer” in far too long.

* As much as I may love them, I think we can probably safely add Peeps to the list of things that human beings were clearly not intended to consume.

* Yes Bill Maher can be kind of smug prick. And sure, he’s not that likeable. It yes, he is clearly extremely chauvinistic. And no, it’s not at all surprising to learn that he’s not married. And basically he’s a pretty hard guy to defend in any way. But that being said, the first and last 10 minutes of any given Real Time With Bill Maher are almost assured to be 20 of the best minutes anywhere on TV in any given week. So I guess in its own way its almost exactly like Grey’s Anatomy.

* “The Call” on NY1 is clearly the work of Satan. And yes, maybe I care a little too much about NY1 but what can I say? It’s the only local news worth watching.

* I feel sure that it’s no coincidence that the demise of E! News Live has directly coincided with the demise of America. Ryan Seacrest and Julianna DePandi are clearly the George Bush to Jules Anser and Steve Kmetko’s Bill Clinton.
Wow, I really need to get out more.

(While were on the topic, how is more not made out of the fact that Steven Soderbergh is married to Jules Asner? Or that Jules Asner is married to Steven Soderbergh? Either way you look at it it’s a great story and more should be made of it.)

* I think whenever someone says, “all I want is honesty” that’s a pretty good sign that they’re lying.


"In a million years, did you ever think this would happen? One decade ago, I didn't even have an e-mail address or know what the Internet was ... now I can watch basically any video clip I want whenever I want? What will the world be like 10 years from now? Is it possible to procrastinate for 24 hours a day? Are we headed that way?"
(Editors Note: Yes.)


* Who are these people who aren’t ready for United 93 and claim it’s too soon? It was four and a half years ago! How can you not be ready? If you’re not ready now when exactly WILL you be ready? Did you have a problem with them making Pearl Harbor? If all the families have approved and say they’re okay with it then who are you to say its “too soon”? And why is it acceptable for you to force movie theaters to stop showing the trailer because it’s too traumatic for you to sit through? It’s a fucking movie trailer people. Seriously, I don’t know why this is considered tolerable acceptable behavior. Far be it for me to judge how people should handle tragedy; I know its something personal and we all deal with it in our own way. If you don’t want to see the movie, that’s fine. But if the trailer for United 93 comes on and you audibly yell at the screen “too soon” or complain afterwards to the management, you’re not grieving or traumatized, you’re insane.
And this isn’t the last you’ll be hearing from me about this…

* True story: a few months back I was about halfway through writing a complete March Madness preview when my computer crashed, taking the document with it. I was so pissed off that I just gave up and didn’t bother rewriting it. But if you don’t think I’m still upset that I didn’t get a chance to make jokes about an event that featured Adam Morrison’s mustache, a guy named Kevin Pitsnoggle, and a team called the Wichita State Shockers, then clearly you don’t know me very well.

* If I wrote Jessica Shaw’s Hot List for Entertainment Weekly:
In: Snakes On A Plane
5 Minutes Ago: Chuck Norris
Out: “Lazy Sunday”
Which bring us to our last item….

* You might recall that back in November I asked whether or not a film had ever won Best Picture before a trailer for it had even been released because if not then Munich would be the first. Well I was wrong about Munich but I will ask the same question and make the same prediction again, only this time about a different film. An that film is Snakes on a Plane. The others studios should just give up right now. Snakes on a Plane has Best Picture sewn up. Because not only is Snakes on a Plane the greatest thing to ever happen to movies, and to the internet, it’s maybe the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity in the history of the Earth. I honestly don’t think it would be humanly possible to be any more aboard the Snakes on a Plane bandwagon than I already am. I already have Snakes on a Plane references up in my home. I recently ordered a Snakes on a Plane shirt. As soon as tickets go on sale I will buy them for opening night. (And if its not showing at The Zeigfeld there is something very wrong with the world.) And if they could somehow get Chuck Norris to make a cameo it would seriously be the greatest movie moment in history. The earth might literally stop spinning on its axis because of how fucking awesome that would be. And if you think I’m joking about any of this, well I’m not. If you were here right now you could see how completely serious I am. And you want to know something else? You know how people say something is the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well soon they’re going to start referring to things as the greatest thing since Snakes on a Plane. So you better get on board. The bandwagon that is. Definitely not the plane. Because as you might have heard, THERE ARE SNAKES ON IT!

Top 3 & 1/2 Snakes on a Plane Sequel Titles
Snakes on a Plane II: More Snakes On Another Plane
Snakes on a Plane II: Bears On A Plane
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes On A Plain Bagel
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes On A Boat

(And of course there’s the obligatory “Snakes On A Plane II: Electric Bugaloo”)
* My idol Bill Simmons is referring specifically to YouTube.com here but he is in general referring to the entire Internet. And as always I couldn't have said it better myself. Which is why Im letting him say it: