Before you begin to read I have prepared a brief quiz to help you determine whether or not you should spend your valuable time reading this entry. Because it’s long. Very long. In fact I considered titling it “Das Kapital II: The Facebook Manifesto”. So the point is, answer honestly…
1.) When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is:
A. Turn off my alarm clock
B. Open my eyes
C. Get onto my computer and check facebook
2.) When I meet someone new my first thought is:
A. What an interesting person, I would really like to get to know them.
B. They are so cool, I could see myself having a long-lasting emotionally fulfilling relationship with them.
C. Alright! A new facebook friend!
3.) I would like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend because:
A. Of the emotional comfort and happiness it would bring me.
B. “The greatest joy in life is to love and to be loved in return”.
C. Then I could update my facebook profile to read “in a relationship”!
If you answered C to any of the above give yourself a point. If you scored 1 point or higher then you are qualified to read this entry. If you did not score any points then you should probably not waste your time with this article because clearly you do not own a computer or otherwise you would know about facebook and therefore be obsessed with facebook. Because to know facebook, is to need clinical help regarding facebook. And if you do not know facebook then might I ask, what the hell is wrong with you? Might I also suggest that you get yourself to a computer and join facebook post haste. Because your life is incomplete.
(Now granted I know the facebook obsession is dying down and writing about facebook is like, so February, but hey it was either this or my article about Ricky Martin and the Latin pop explosion so just be grateful...)
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Thinking back on the 1910’s, as I often do, it’s hard to imagine how our great-grandparents ever were able to interact with each other. If they wanted to talk to one another they had to actually physically travel to where the other person was, even if they only wanted to ask a simple question. Or if distance was prohibitive, they had to write long well crafted letters to one another that would often take days or weeks to reach their destination. If you think communication is crucial to a good relationship now, I can only imagine how vital is must have been back then. And of course all of this is if you were already securely “in a relationship”. The whole process of meeting someone and dating must have been even more difficult. You couldn’t wait three days before calling someone whose number you had gotten and were clearly interested in simply in order to make it seem like you were less interested in them than you actually were. No, if you were interested in someone you had to tell them face to face when you first met them because otherwise you didn’t know when you would see them again and there were no such things as phones to call them on to set up a date later. And since there were no phones, at the end of each date if you wanted another date you had to say so and set one up right then, face to face! That means you had to make your intentions known by telling someone face to face that you were indeed interested in them and wanted to see them again! In fact you had to do EVERYTHING in person!! All of your fights had to take place in person. You had to break up with someone in person. You had to express all of your thoughts and feelings in person because the postal service took too long and was unreliable and the technology did not yet exist to make a mix tape.
(Actually I guess poetry, with its careful selection and ordering of words to send a message to someone on an almost subliminal level, was the mix tape of its day but still…)
The whole thing sounds excruciating.
Thankfully, with the help of current technology, we have progressed as a society. All the important communication in a relationship can now be done solely on the phone or over the internet, allowing you to spend your actual time together for more important business, like sex, or watching TV. And that’s pretty much it. And technology hasn’t just helped romantic relationships, but relationship of all kinds. Now it is possible to maintain relationships for years with people you never cared about in the first place by simply IMing their away message every few weeks. Now all your BFFs from High School really can K.I.T. And best of all, we now have facebook, the website that has made it possible to reduce all human interaction into its essence: a measurement of your popularity. Now making friends with someone in real life is almost secondary to making friends with them on facebook. Now we will tolerate people we hate just to claim them as a friend. In fact now not only can we be friends with people we don’t care about, but we will use them to draw our sense of self worth from how many of them will claim us as their friend. At last, we think, tangible proof that I am indeed popular! And it’s on the Internet, the province of the innately unpopular and the insecure - the very people who worry about such things!!!
Ain’t technology fun.
Now if you’re not a member of facebook, I understand. I used to be intelligent like you. I swore I would never join one of those stupid online community things like friendster or myspace or underagecumguzzlers.com. But then one day I caved. And now look at me. I’m obsessed. Although I’m starting to think that some of the cumguzzlers aren’t actually underage. But that’s neither here nor there. What IS here, one Alt-Tab click away from this very document, is facebook. And it has changed my life, in so much as I am no longer a productive human being. Because facebook, unlike friendster or any of those other services, isnt a way to meet new people, but is instead a way to meet people you already know. And whats more exciting than that!? Plus its the most addicting thing to happen to the world of computers since solitaire. So come join the revolution. Get with the times. Become a part of the website that puts the “super” back in “information superhighway”. But before you do, there are a few rules to being a facebook member you should know.
Top 3 & 1/2 Rules a new facebook member should know:
1.) The first rule of facebook: Above all else, have standards. Unless thou art a Marymount dancer, thou does not have sex with every single person who requests to sleep with you. So why should thou accept every friend request thou recieves? Thou should not. Reject some people and be selective with who you send out friend requests to as well. Thou should have standards regarding other people. For example, thou should never request to be friends with someone who you would not feel comfortable acknowledging in real life. Also, there should be a waiting period between meeting someone and requesting to be their friend. Much like buying a gun, a friend request is a very serious matter.
2.) If thou art poked once by a friend, thou art allowed to return the poke. If thou art poked a second time by that same friend then quickly delete that person from your friends list because they are clearly insane. Somewhat like poking is.
3.) When such time comes that His Divine Majesty Greg Lynch requests to be your friend (which if you are just now joining facebook should be sometime in the next few seconds) bow down and give thanks to him and his almighty friend gathering powers. He is your master. By accepting his friend invite you are now a valid member of the facebook community. Congratulations.
(Editors note: This is not in any way to denegrate Mr. Lynch or to imply that he is in any way pathetic. It is simply to imply that he is much cooler than you. Now drop to your knees and offer your blessings up to him.)
3 & 1/2.) Thou shalt not edit thine’s own wall as that is pathetic. Even moreso than being on facebook in the first place.
So now that you know the rules, go join and let the good times roll, as the kids say these days. Seriously, go do it. Ill still be here when you get back.
You back?
Great!
Now will you be my friend?
No but seriously, by joining facebook you’ve just embarked on a journey that has to do with much more than just obtaining friends.
There are also clubs.
But be warned: the facebook journey is long and tough and it often veers about wildly. Almost as much as the tone of this entry. But spend enough time on the journey that is facebook and you’ll learn a lot about the world you live in and the nature of the universe. Which of course brings us back to the title of this entry. And although facebook can tell us many things about our lives, to me there seem to be, conveniently, 3 & 1/2 main things that we can learn about our world from facebook. And to explain these 3 & 1/2 things I have surprisingly created a handy list:
Top 3 & 1/2 things Facebook can teach us about the nature of our universe:
1.) Our taste defines us.
What’s most interesting about facebook is that through being able to view the profiles of people we may not already be friends with it allows to “meet” people and get to know something about them. Now that facebook has become a verb, whenever someone tells you a story or an antidote about someone you don’t know you can immediately go “facebook them” to find out more about them. And what is this “more” about them that you can find out? What is this information that often is the sole basis for your judgment of them as a person? Well, besides their picture, who they are friends with, and what it says about them on their wall, it’s basically their taste in movies, music, books, and quotes. Unless of course they wrote a lot under their “About Me” section in which case they are a loser. (Unless of course YOU did that, in which case you are very cool and I judge you only in a very positive way.) But basically the main thing you can learn about someone through facebook is their taste in quotes and entertainment. And using that information, you make some sort of opinion about them (don’t deny it). But the thing is that that’s a pretty valid opinion. Now its pleasant to think human beings weren’t born shallow and judgmental, and that way back in the 1910’s our grandparents would have found it absurd that we would judge people based on their taste in entertainment rather than their personal moral beliefs and convictions. But what today is “Biggie or Tupac” was surely back then “Jane Austin or Emily Bronte”. And there’s nothing wrong with taste based judgment; it’s human nature. Common interests have always been a key part of any interpersonal relationship. People have from time to time tried to go against that fundamental truth and almost always been proven wrong. Paula Abdul for one once said that opposites attract and, well, look how her life has turned out. I, on the other hand, say alike people attract and human nature backs me up. It makes perfect sense - you love yourself so of course you would love a version of yourself that you can hang out with or maybe even have sex with. I know that sounds awful, but the truth often is, and much like John Leguizamo in Moulin Rouge, Fred the Online Journal only speaks the truth. How facebook plays into all this though is that it reduces what was once a broad spectrum of potential common interests discovered only through discourse and discussion into a simple list of movie and book titles. There is no explanation or reasoning behind any of the information, it’s just simply listed there. We now measure compatibility not through discussion but by checking things off a list. “Likes Monty Python. Good.” “Likes Whitney Houston. Bad.” And so on. This person knows nothing about this other person other than the elaborately constructed presentation this person has made of themselves and what movies, music, books, and other such things they like. They know most likely nothing about this person’s values, their religious views, their outlook on life, their background, or any other similar matters. They don’t even know why or to what degree they like the things they do. But in the end, a list is all that facebook gives us. A list of their taste in entertainment, or at least they way they choose to present their taste in entertainment. Taste in music, movies, books and TV shows - are these really the qualities on which we want to base our opinion of someone? Well. Maybe they are. As a wise man once said, “Its what you like, not who you are that’s important.”
2.) Life is high school; high school is life.
You thought you were done with high school when you graduated didn’t you? Well you thought wrong. It never ends because life is just like high school, only on a much bigger scale. As a wise man once said “high school is life in concentrated form” And if you need proof, look no further than facebook:
On facebook some people join every club under the sun and even start some of their own and other people only show up once every few weeks just to check out what’s going on. Some people have gone to elaborate lengths to create a cool persona for themselves and other people just don’t give a shit. Some people have a new picture every week and others have had the same one since the first day. There are cliques, elaborate and specific social networks, and even groupies. There are rivalries, competitions, and far too many people who like Harry Potter. There are guys who want you to know how “straight” they are, people who want you to know that they really like beer, and apparently still a group of girls who like totally love their boyfriends SOOO much!!! Hell there’s even a way to leave each other yearbook style messages like “keep it real” “you rock” and “I didn’t want you to break up with me so I got pregnant with your kid”. But just like high school, ultimately none of it really matters. Because in the end, it’s all only really about one thing:
Popularity.
3.) As society grows more impersonal, we grow more “personal”
As a wise man once said, “The Internet is like beer, it lowers your inhibitions. Also, its how I met my wife”. And of course what is "the Internet" other than email, “sources” for your research paper, and facebook? And if you don’t think people express things on facebook that they never would in real life then how do you explain the “Best Deep Throats at MMC Club”? Or all the half naked pictures of people? Or the Bea Arthur Club having almost 40 members? Or the surprising number of girls apparently in lesbian relationships with their roommates? Or all the people who have tracked people down who they haven’t talked to since junior high or even elementary school? Or the people who confess to having a crush on their professor? Or just to having a “secret crush” in general? Okay so maybe facebook isn’t like beer. Maybe it’s just like a junior high sleepover. Or a game of truth or dare. Only without the dare. Or the soul crushing fear that you might get picked. But whatever the case, since facebook seems so impersonal it allows the personal revelations to flow out much more freely. What were once diaries kept under lock and key are now blogs linked to in our profiles. Now our phone number and address are there in the open. Our personal messages from others posted on a wall for all to see. Now that there’s a safe haven for us all on the Internet, there’s nothing left to hide.
Except the homemade sex tape of course.
3 & 1/2.) We are very self-involved.
As a wise man once said, “Damn, I’m a sexy bitch!” Now as a person surrounded by theater majors, the fact that people are self-involved is not a news flash, but the extent to which we are in love with ourselves is definitely highlighted by facebook. And surely you’ve realized this if you have ever tried to convince someone they should join facebook. That conversation always goes something like this:
Person 1: You should like totally join facebook! It’s like totally awesome!
Person 2: Why?
Person 1: Well, you get a chance to be friends with people who you’re already friends with or with people you don’t care about in the first place, but now you get to do it in a forum where you get to tell them information about yourself without having to put up with them doing annoying things like talking or changing the topic of conversation away from yourself. It’s so addictive!
Person 2: Why is that?
Person 1: Well because...because…because...hey look! Shiny things!
(Person 1 runs away )
And much like shiny things, it’s hard to not stare at yourself as you walk by a mirror because you’re just so damn fascinating. That’s why its lucky facebook came along so you could share the fascinating fabulousness that is YOU with the world. And you don’t even have to feel bad about it because everyone is doing it. And hey, at least its not as bad as having one of those damn online journals…
Now of course the lessons of facebook extend far beyond these 3 & 1/2 things. What more lessons can we glean from facebook? Many more. Like, maybe we shouldn’t let the Internet supersede face-to-face contact. Maybe we should all improve our communication skills. Maybe the intERpersonal is more important than the intRApersonal. Maybe we shouldn’t be so desperate for distraction. Maybe we should spend more time listening to the voices in our heads and in each other’s mouths than the words on the monitor (and in “The Monitor” for that matter). Maybe society is going to hell. But then again maybe it always has been. And maybe in the end all we have is each other. So I guess what I’m trying to say is:
Will you be my friend?
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Ben Folds - “Songs for Silverman” (album)
2.) Ben Folds - “Gracie” and “Still Fighting It”
3.) Ben Folds - “Landed”
3 & 1/2.) Ben Folds - “There’s Always Someone Cooler Than You” (Live)
(New feature alert!) Thought of the Week:
I think I figured out why I respond to Ben Folds so much. Hes a writer. Now of course all song writers are techincally writers, but Ben, at heart, is a "writer" writer and he just chose songs over novels, shorts stories, or online journals. To help illustrate my point I think I should first outline a fact about songwriting. And that is this- There are several basic styles of song writing:
Poetic- Bob Dylan, Michael Stipe, etc.
Confessional- Joni Mitchell, solo John Lennon, etc.
Random- Beck, Anthony Kiedis, etc.
Straight forward- Marvin Gaye, James Taylor, etc.
Ambigous- Bernie Taupin, Mick Jagger, David Bowie, etc.
Universal- Bono, Kurt Cobain, Robert Plant, etc.
Of course there are many more styles and these styles all overlap, but I think for the point of this discussion thats a good list. Now what leads to believe Ben is a writer at heart is the fact he falls, most consistantly, into another unmentioned category: Storyteller.
His songs are most often stories about specifc people or incidents, thus one of many reasons for the constant Billy Joel comparisons. But unlike much Billy Joel, or Fountains of Wayne, or most anyone else for that matter, his stories are specific yet ambigous enough to reflect universal themes while at the same time expressing the feelings of the author, or in this case the songwriter. Sounds like a description of alot of the best writing, both fiction and non out there today. Which is why I believe Ben is a writer at heart and just chose to write songs rather than say, magazine articles. Which is why I respond to him so much. And why you do too.
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Fred the Online Journal Recommends
*Making crappy self-indulgent lists and putting them in your online journal rather than actually writing a real entry about something people will care about even though it’s already been like forever since you last wrote anything:
The only thing worse than someone with an online journal is someone who doesn’t update their online journal for three weeks and then when they finally do update it its with some lame half-assed stop-gap measure written only so that people will stop asking them “when are you going to update your online journal”. Well, actually there is one thing worse than that: people who read other people’s online journals. Those people are losers. And they have no lives. Or friends. Despite what facebook might say.
*Your Mom:
She keeps getting better and better all the time. In fact, it’s getting to the point now that when she requests that I “give it to her” I’m starting to think she might not always be referring to my money.
*Jordan Schildcrout:
Per Katie Woodruff’s request I feel I should say a few words here about Marymount’s best-kept secret. If you haven’t had the privilege yet of taking a Modern Drama course from Jordan your life is incomplete. Sure he seems constantly nervous and uncomfortable, his age could be anywhere between 15 and 40, his speech patterns and mannerisms are almost unbearably awkward, and he might be the least fashionable gay man in history. But like a fine wine he just gets better with time until eventually you fully drink from his bottle of knowledge and become drunk on the rich taste of sweet education.
Or some shit like that.
Plus part of me thinks he could totally kick Mark Ringer’s ass in a bar fight. And even if he couldn’t, Id pay a large sum of money to see him try.
(Speaking of Katie Woodruff, is it too early to recommend her Christopher Durang monologue she’ll be doing in Senior Showcase? It is? Okay, well when it comes time to get your tickets for Showcase make sure you’re the first in line because you don’t want to miss it. It’ll be the best $0 you’ll ever spend.)
*Not being so negative and critical:
Seriously, I am so sick of people being critical and negative about things. People who are like that really suck. They are losers and I hate them. But yet they are everywhere. Seriously, what is this hellish God-forsaken world coming to?
*Having a picture of your real self on facebook:
Yes your drawing of Jesus is both humorous and ironic. Yes I like Mr. T as much as the next person. And yes your choice of picture is exceedingly clever and reflects well on your character and your worth as human being. But it makes it impossible to figure out if I know you or not. And if I don’t know if I know you or not how can I know whether or not to request to be your friend? Now I know that doesn’t stop most people from requesting to be someone’s friend, but I guess I’m just old fashioned like that. But really though, facebook is like the yearbook for the 21st century and you wouldn’t put a picture of a monkey having sex with George Bush as your yearbook picture would you? So why would you put it as your facebook picture? Seriously get with the program people…
*The ending to Being There
Granted you’ve probably never heard of Being There but then again you probably didn’t even know they made movies before 1980. Well they did. Being There for example came out in 1979. I hear there are movies even older than that too! Like Star Wars, Annie Hall and The Godfather(s). Other than that though, Being There might be the oldest movie ever made. Which makes the fact it has the best ending in movie history even more impressive. And if you don’t believe me (and frankly that’s probably wise on your part) then you can take USA Today’s word for it as they said the same thing a few weeks after I had come to a similar conclusion myself. Now of course part of what made the ending so good was that I had no idea the movie had anything unique about its ending, and by telling you that it does I am ruining it partially for you. But no matter, you’ll enjoy it nevertheless. With apologies to Say Anything..., The Sixth Sense, Fight Club, Before Sunset and of course the former champ, The Graduate, Being There has what is without a doubt the best ending in movie history. And on top of that, it's an amazing, unique, one of a kind film that best exemplifies the phrase “they don’t make ‘em like the used to” (although lord knows Wes Anderson tries) and also contains a BRILLANT performance by Peter Sellers. So, long story short, go rent this movie.
*Mcsweeneys.net:
Other than porn and some killer tuna casserole recipes Mcsweeneys.net is the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet and if you are not reading it daily and basking in its brilliance then your life is decidedly not complete my friend. I hesitate to recommend it to you if you are not already aware of its existence as everything I write I pretty much a blatant rip off of the stuff they do (well that is the stuff I write that isn’t a blatant rip off of Chuck Klosterman or Bill Simmons) and as soon as you read their stuff mine will seem painfully bad by comparison. For example this whole entry is based on a feature they do called “McSweeneys Recommends” where every few weeks they recommend random things like “blowing gently on a baby’s face” “The University of Illinois basketball team” or “binder clips” and then write commentary about them. But I am willing to give up whatever shred of respect you might have for me by recommending that you check out mcsweeneys.net and thus enhancing your life greatly. I can’t explain to you their brilliance in words. The best I can do I give you a random sample of the type of writing you might find on their site. For example here is a letter written to them by one of their readers (mind you, at the time this letter was written, nowhere on the site had anyone ever mentioned The Clash):
From: Patrick Cassels
Subject: Go. Clearly
Dear McS,
Why did The Clash feel the need to write such a perplexed and long-winded song for such a simple question?
“If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double”
Clearly, to go is the better option, as it will cause half the trouble as staying. It's pure logic.
I'm as embarrassed for them as you are,
Patrick Cassels
Marlboro, NY
Now that is FAR from the best example of something you might read on their site; it was just the first thing I saw short enough to paste here. But it is a fairly good example of the random, exceedingly clever and very humorous stuff on their site (even though it was contributed by a reader and not by one of their writers). But you can pretty clearly see how it influences Fred. Sure it can be a little too clever at times and not everything works like it should, but when its good, there’s no writing anywhere that’s better. And I can’t stress that strongly enough. Plus its run by Dave Eggers and employs many of the same people and principles that the old Might Magazine did and Might Magazine is the greatest magazine in the history of human kind so that counts for something. So anyway if you at all even remotely enjoy my shitty ramblings then you should check mcsweeneys.net out. Because I think in my next life it would be my goal to write for them.
That is if we’re not both cats.
*Pringles:
Unlike you, I’ve never tried crack. But if it’s anything like Pringles I’d be doomed.
*Winona Rider in Reality Bites
I never got the whole Winona Rider thing from back in the day when people liked her and she was some kind of indie/underground sex symbol or something. Granted it was a little before my time, but I still remember it and it never really made sense to me. I mean she looks like a boyish elf and clearly is a little mentally unbalanced. But then I recently saw Reality Bites for the first time and I got it. So if you happen to be Winona Rider circa Reality Bites give me a call so we can get married and stuff. Now believe me, this development is as shocking to me as to anyone. I mean it violates two of my major rules about girls I won’t date:
1.) girls with really short boyish haircuts
2.) Winona Rider
But I guess there are exceptions to every rule. Even #2 apparently…
*The Pope:
Oh. Nevermind...
(Too soon for Pope jokes? Well as I pretend to cater to all audiences maybe so, but I will say its better than the Jesus joke I was planning to use here. Just trust me on that one.)
*Rice:
Since I go to Marymount I feel I should come out of the closet about something at some point. So here goes: I love rice. Yes I know, it’s shocking but I just can’t keep it a secret anymore. I like rice, and I like it dirty. In fact I like it almost as much as I like plain Cheerios. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rice and Cheerios? What is cardboard too flavorful for you?” And yes, as a matter of fact it is. Plus it has sort of a grainy aftertaste. Just like your mom.
*Making up your own advertising campaigns for things:
For example:
-The board game “Life” should really adopt as their slogan, “There are no winners in the game of Life”. Of course it would hurt their sales, but oh the irony would be delicious. Almost as delicious as rice.
-Indiana University, home of the Hoosiers, should make bumper stickers for parents of students that read “Hoosier Daddy”. In fact if those bumper stickers don’t already exist then there is something seriously wrong with the fine folks on the Indiana University bumper sticker making committee.
-Emerald Nuts should make brilliant commercials involving random things that start with the letters E and N. Oh wait, those already exist…
-You know the hand sign you make for “West Side”? Well the actors on The West Wing should totally make one of those with each hand, hold them both up and yell out “West WING!” randomly.
-And so on…
Now you see why when my Mom always tried to tell me growing up that I should go into advertising that I decided to into a low paying, highly unstable, soul crushing career of playing dress up and doing funny voices instead.
*Guess Who:
I was watching Katherine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy and Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner a few months ago and I thought to myself “if they remade this movie you know who would be good to star in it? Bernie Mac, Ashton Kutcher and some random girl.” And wouldn’t you know it, Hollywood stole my idea right out from under me. I feel liked I was punked.
*“Hey Ma” by Cam’ron:
Now surely you know the song and enjoy the fact that it is quite tuneful and pleasing to the ear. But if you study the narrative closely you will realize something that will greatly enhance your enjoyment of the song as well as your enjoyment of life. About halfway through his sordid tale he is “speedin’ up the West Side, hand creepin’ up her left side, ready to bone” when he, our narrator Cam’ron, suddenly realizes “55th exit, damn already we’re home”. At first glance that bit of information might seem inconsequential, but when you think it about it further it means that Cam’ron lives, or lived at one point, on 55th Street. Now granted it might have been on the West Side but you never know. He might have taken the 55th Street exit all the way over from the West Side to the East Side. Possibly even to between 2nd and 3rd Avenues. Possibly even over to The Capri. Regardless though, the point is that I have at one point in my life lived on the same street as Cam’ron. We have been neighbors. And I’ve also now found a rap song that I can literally relate to in a very personal way. Well, except the part about picking up a hot girl in bar and taking her home for sex. But the stuff about living on 55th Street and being in a car at one point in my life, I’m all about that shit homie.
*The New York Times:
I’ve always hated the Times. In fact I used to pass judgment on people who read it. And not judgment in a good way. It was always so stuffy and old school and pretentious and full of itself that I couldn’t stand it. I mean it’s a paper that’s too good to give stars or numerical ratings in their reviews of things. And speaking of reviews, they found fault with both Citizen Kane and The Godfather in their original reviews of them. And don’t even get me started on Frank Rich. But now that I have to read it every week for class I find myself actually enjoying it. Sure it’s still not my favorite paper but now in my old age I “get it” and I am glad that it exists. In fact a lot of the articles are really great. Nevertheless, I’ll always be a Post guy. Even though the Post is not a valid paper, and even though its pretty clearly got a conservative bias, and even though its still published in that ridiculous tabloid format rather than like a regular newspaper, I still get more enjoyment out of reading it than I do from any of the other New York papers. Plus with the Post I can still hold out hope that one day a house that Usher lives in will collapse and that therefore a paper will exist with the headline that reads “The Fall of the House of Usher!” And when/if that day comes all the Post’s faults will be forgiven. But until that time comes the Times is worth a look as well. And I can’t believe I just said that…
Do you have anything you’d like to recommend? If so, you should comment below…
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Jane’s Addiction- “Ritual de lo Habitual” (album)
2.) Monty Python’s Flying Circus on DVD
3.) The Smiths
3 & 1/2.) NCAA Basketball
Editors Note:
Fred the Online Journal will be on hiatus for the next few weeks due to Marymount’s production of “There are Crimes and Crimes”. But don’t forget about ol’ Fred here while he’s away. He’ll be back in a few short weeks with all new material like “Facebook.com and The Nature of the Universe” “Who You Know Do It Better: The Wit and Wisdom of P.Diddy and the Fam” as well as, if you’re lucky, a graduation edition of “Marymount Musings”. So ya’ll come on back now ya’ hear!
The only thing worse than someone with an online journal is someone who doesn’t update their online journal for three weeks and then when they finally do update it its with some lame half-assed stop-gap measure written only so that people will stop asking them “when are you going to update your online journal”. Well, actually there is one thing worse than that: people who read other people’s online journals. Those people are losers. And they have no lives. Or friends. Despite what facebook might say.
*Your Mom:
She keeps getting better and better all the time. In fact, it’s getting to the point now that when she requests that I “give it to her” I’m starting to think she might not always be referring to my money.
*Jordan Schildcrout:
Per Katie Woodruff’s request I feel I should say a few words here about Marymount’s best-kept secret. If you haven’t had the privilege yet of taking a Modern Drama course from Jordan your life is incomplete. Sure he seems constantly nervous and uncomfortable, his age could be anywhere between 15 and 40, his speech patterns and mannerisms are almost unbearably awkward, and he might be the least fashionable gay man in history. But like a fine wine he just gets better with time until eventually you fully drink from his bottle of knowledge and become drunk on the rich taste of sweet education.
Or some shit like that.
Plus part of me thinks he could totally kick Mark Ringer’s ass in a bar fight. And even if he couldn’t, Id pay a large sum of money to see him try.
(Speaking of Katie Woodruff, is it too early to recommend her Christopher Durang monologue she’ll be doing in Senior Showcase? It is? Okay, well when it comes time to get your tickets for Showcase make sure you’re the first in line because you don’t want to miss it. It’ll be the best $0 you’ll ever spend.)
*Not being so negative and critical:
Seriously, I am so sick of people being critical and negative about things. People who are like that really suck. They are losers and I hate them. But yet they are everywhere. Seriously, what is this hellish God-forsaken world coming to?
*Having a picture of your real self on facebook:
Yes your drawing of Jesus is both humorous and ironic. Yes I like Mr. T as much as the next person. And yes your choice of picture is exceedingly clever and reflects well on your character and your worth as human being. But it makes it impossible to figure out if I know you or not. And if I don’t know if I know you or not how can I know whether or not to request to be your friend? Now I know that doesn’t stop most people from requesting to be someone’s friend, but I guess I’m just old fashioned like that. But really though, facebook is like the yearbook for the 21st century and you wouldn’t put a picture of a monkey having sex with George Bush as your yearbook picture would you? So why would you put it as your facebook picture? Seriously get with the program people…
*The ending to Being There
Granted you’ve probably never heard of Being There but then again you probably didn’t even know they made movies before 1980. Well they did. Being There for example came out in 1979. I hear there are movies even older than that too! Like Star Wars, Annie Hall and The Godfather(s). Other than that though, Being There might be the oldest movie ever made. Which makes the fact it has the best ending in movie history even more impressive. And if you don’t believe me (and frankly that’s probably wise on your part) then you can take USA Today’s word for it as they said the same thing a few weeks after I had come to a similar conclusion myself. Now of course part of what made the ending so good was that I had no idea the movie had anything unique about its ending, and by telling you that it does I am ruining it partially for you. But no matter, you’ll enjoy it nevertheless. With apologies to Say Anything..., The Sixth Sense, Fight Club, Before Sunset and of course the former champ, The Graduate, Being There has what is without a doubt the best ending in movie history. And on top of that, it's an amazing, unique, one of a kind film that best exemplifies the phrase “they don’t make ‘em like the used to” (although lord knows Wes Anderson tries) and also contains a BRILLANT performance by Peter Sellers. So, long story short, go rent this movie.
*Mcsweeneys.net:
Other than porn and some killer tuna casserole recipes Mcsweeneys.net is the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet and if you are not reading it daily and basking in its brilliance then your life is decidedly not complete my friend. I hesitate to recommend it to you if you are not already aware of its existence as everything I write I pretty much a blatant rip off of the stuff they do (well that is the stuff I write that isn’t a blatant rip off of Chuck Klosterman or Bill Simmons) and as soon as you read their stuff mine will seem painfully bad by comparison. For example this whole entry is based on a feature they do called “McSweeneys Recommends” where every few weeks they recommend random things like “blowing gently on a baby’s face” “The University of Illinois basketball team” or “binder clips” and then write commentary about them. But I am willing to give up whatever shred of respect you might have for me by recommending that you check out mcsweeneys.net and thus enhancing your life greatly. I can’t explain to you their brilliance in words. The best I can do I give you a random sample of the type of writing you might find on their site. For example here is a letter written to them by one of their readers (mind you, at the time this letter was written, nowhere on the site had anyone ever mentioned The Clash):
From: Patrick Cassels
Subject: Go. Clearly
Dear McS,
Why did The Clash feel the need to write such a perplexed and long-winded song for such a simple question?
“If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double”
Clearly, to go is the better option, as it will cause half the trouble as staying. It's pure logic.
I'm as embarrassed for them as you are,
Patrick Cassels
Marlboro, NY
Now that is FAR from the best example of something you might read on their site; it was just the first thing I saw short enough to paste here. But it is a fairly good example of the random, exceedingly clever and very humorous stuff on their site (even though it was contributed by a reader and not by one of their writers). But you can pretty clearly see how it influences Fred. Sure it can be a little too clever at times and not everything works like it should, but when its good, there’s no writing anywhere that’s better. And I can’t stress that strongly enough. Plus its run by Dave Eggers and employs many of the same people and principles that the old Might Magazine did and Might Magazine is the greatest magazine in the history of human kind so that counts for something. So anyway if you at all even remotely enjoy my shitty ramblings then you should check mcsweeneys.net out. Because I think in my next life it would be my goal to write for them.
That is if we’re not both cats.
*Pringles:
Unlike you, I’ve never tried crack. But if it’s anything like Pringles I’d be doomed.
*Winona Rider in Reality Bites
I never got the whole Winona Rider thing from back in the day when people liked her and she was some kind of indie/underground sex symbol or something. Granted it was a little before my time, but I still remember it and it never really made sense to me. I mean she looks like a boyish elf and clearly is a little mentally unbalanced. But then I recently saw Reality Bites for the first time and I got it. So if you happen to be Winona Rider circa Reality Bites give me a call so we can get married and stuff. Now believe me, this development is as shocking to me as to anyone. I mean it violates two of my major rules about girls I won’t date:
1.) girls with really short boyish haircuts
2.) Winona Rider
But I guess there are exceptions to every rule. Even #2 apparently…
*The Pope:
Oh. Nevermind...
(Too soon for Pope jokes? Well as I pretend to cater to all audiences maybe so, but I will say its better than the Jesus joke I was planning to use here. Just trust me on that one.)
*Rice:
Since I go to Marymount I feel I should come out of the closet about something at some point. So here goes: I love rice. Yes I know, it’s shocking but I just can’t keep it a secret anymore. I like rice, and I like it dirty. In fact I like it almost as much as I like plain Cheerios. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rice and Cheerios? What is cardboard too flavorful for you?” And yes, as a matter of fact it is. Plus it has sort of a grainy aftertaste. Just like your mom.
*Making up your own advertising campaigns for things:
For example:
-The board game “Life” should really adopt as their slogan, “There are no winners in the game of Life”. Of course it would hurt their sales, but oh the irony would be delicious. Almost as delicious as rice.
-Indiana University, home of the Hoosiers, should make bumper stickers for parents of students that read “Hoosier Daddy”. In fact if those bumper stickers don’t already exist then there is something seriously wrong with the fine folks on the Indiana University bumper sticker making committee.
-Emerald Nuts should make brilliant commercials involving random things that start with the letters E and N. Oh wait, those already exist…
-You know the hand sign you make for “West Side”? Well the actors on The West Wing should totally make one of those with each hand, hold them both up and yell out “West WING!” randomly.
-And so on…
Now you see why when my Mom always tried to tell me growing up that I should go into advertising that I decided to into a low paying, highly unstable, soul crushing career of playing dress up and doing funny voices instead.
*Guess Who:
I was watching Katherine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy and Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner a few months ago and I thought to myself “if they remade this movie you know who would be good to star in it? Bernie Mac, Ashton Kutcher and some random girl.” And wouldn’t you know it, Hollywood stole my idea right out from under me. I feel liked I was punked.
*“Hey Ma” by Cam’ron:
Now surely you know the song and enjoy the fact that it is quite tuneful and pleasing to the ear. But if you study the narrative closely you will realize something that will greatly enhance your enjoyment of the song as well as your enjoyment of life. About halfway through his sordid tale he is “speedin’ up the West Side, hand creepin’ up her left side, ready to bone” when he, our narrator Cam’ron, suddenly realizes “55th exit, damn already we’re home”. At first glance that bit of information might seem inconsequential, but when you think it about it further it means that Cam’ron lives, or lived at one point, on 55th Street. Now granted it might have been on the West Side but you never know. He might have taken the 55th Street exit all the way over from the West Side to the East Side. Possibly even to between 2nd and 3rd Avenues. Possibly even over to The Capri. Regardless though, the point is that I have at one point in my life lived on the same street as Cam’ron. We have been neighbors. And I’ve also now found a rap song that I can literally relate to in a very personal way. Well, except the part about picking up a hot girl in bar and taking her home for sex. But the stuff about living on 55th Street and being in a car at one point in my life, I’m all about that shit homie.
*The New York Times:
I’ve always hated the Times. In fact I used to pass judgment on people who read it. And not judgment in a good way. It was always so stuffy and old school and pretentious and full of itself that I couldn’t stand it. I mean it’s a paper that’s too good to give stars or numerical ratings in their reviews of things. And speaking of reviews, they found fault with both Citizen Kane and The Godfather in their original reviews of them. And don’t even get me started on Frank Rich. But now that I have to read it every week for class I find myself actually enjoying it. Sure it’s still not my favorite paper but now in my old age I “get it” and I am glad that it exists. In fact a lot of the articles are really great. Nevertheless, I’ll always be a Post guy. Even though the Post is not a valid paper, and even though its pretty clearly got a conservative bias, and even though its still published in that ridiculous tabloid format rather than like a regular newspaper, I still get more enjoyment out of reading it than I do from any of the other New York papers. Plus with the Post I can still hold out hope that one day a house that Usher lives in will collapse and that therefore a paper will exist with the headline that reads “The Fall of the House of Usher!” And when/if that day comes all the Post’s faults will be forgiven. But until that time comes the Times is worth a look as well. And I can’t believe I just said that…
Do you have anything you’d like to recommend? If so, you should comment below…
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Jane’s Addiction- “Ritual de lo Habitual” (album)
2.) Monty Python’s Flying Circus on DVD
3.) The Smiths
3 & 1/2.) NCAA Basketball
Editors Note:
Fred the Online Journal will be on hiatus for the next few weeks due to Marymount’s production of “There are Crimes and Crimes”. But don’t forget about ol’ Fred here while he’s away. He’ll be back in a few short weeks with all new material like “Facebook.com and The Nature of the Universe” “Who You Know Do It Better: The Wit and Wisdom of P.Diddy and the Fam” as well as, if you’re lucky, a graduation edition of “Marymount Musings”. So ya’ll come on back now ya’ hear!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
The Andys
Well now that the holiday season is over, it's time for the REAL Christmas season to begin. And I don't say that just because it's the return of Fred the Online Journal (although Fred is the present that just keeps on giving). No, I say that because now it's awards season. In the next month or so we will have the Golden Globes, the Grammys, the Oscar nominations announcement, and then of course, the REAL Christmas, the Oscars themselves. Because who cares about a season celebrating some spiritual being who will give us forgiveness for all our sins and eternal love and life, when we can watch famous people hand each other shiny trophies? Plus with Meryl Streep nominated for Best Supporting Actress at the Globes there's a good chance we might even get to see another Meryl Streep drunken awards show appearance which is always the highlight of any year. You see, Oscar season is what life is all about. Now sure there are other award shows out there throughout the year such as the Emmys, the AMAs, and the dreaded People's Choice Awards which always make me have thoughts such as "who are these 'people' they speak of?" and "maybe genocide wouldn't be such a bad thing". But of course those awards shows are not valid. They suck. Unlike the awards shows I like. Which are good. So for the next month or so Fred here will be devoted entirely to awards related musings, opinions, and reactions. So while you are out having a life and being productive, I will be here chronicling every minute detail of how the fuck a guy named Usher who once appeared in the movie She's All That is now nominated for multiple Grammys. And I will spend hundreds of words doing it. It will be my crowning achievement of irrelevance. So to prepare you for the upcoming onslaught of banality, I have prepared my first awards related entry of the season: My coverage of my own personal awards. You can call them the Andys.
Top 3 & 1/2 Movies of the Year
1.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
I'll try not to say too much about any of these movies because with all the awards show stuff coming up I'll have plenty of other times to go into more detailed opnions about the movies mentioned here. But for the time being I will say a few brief things: The only thing better than Charlie Kaufman is Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Charlie Kaufman with heart is Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart is nothing. I really don't need to sell you on this point because it was your favorite movie of the year too. Moving on...
2.) Before Sunset:
Before Sunset on the other hand, you probably never saw. All I can say is go rent it NOW. Actually now is too late. Build a time machine and go back and time and rent it yesterday. Because any day spent without having seen this movie is a day that life is less fulfilling than it should be. Like most great movies, Before Sunset presents an idealized, fantasy version of life, yet one that is at the same time so real that you feel like you are watching real life on screen. And not just any life, but a life you know. Or a life you want to know. And not in a Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks way but in a way that is utterly real. This movie is why we go to movies. And how many movies could inspire that statement using only two people talking and walking around Paris for close to an hour and a half and nothing else? Only one. Before Sunset. It's the movie few people would have the balls to make. There is no real plot, nothing really happens and it ends with, well maybe the greatest ending to any movie ever, but yet one that wraps nothing up. Yet who needs any of that stuff when you have dialogue, characters, and a relationship this good? The most physically intimate the two characters ever get is a long hug but yet it's the most sexual, passionate, and unabashedly romantic non-Cameron Crowe movie I've seen in, maybe forever. And it does it all with words and with an innate connection between people. This is what love and life are all about. I could talk about it forever but just go see it already. It maybe the ultimate movie-as-life-as-movie and it is for sure THE romance for our times. You'll laugh, you'll think, you'll dream, you'll consider crying (pansy), and before you know it you'll have memorized every line. I just want to yell it from the rooftops: GO RENT THIS FUCKING MOVIE!
3.) Sideways:
I think the wine industry and Alexander Payne are in cahoots. I also think I just actually used the word "cahoots". Regardless, in 20 years from now as I lie in the gutter clutching my last bottle of Pinot Noir wondering what happened to my life I'll have this movie to blame. Apparently wanting to be in a constant state of drunkenness can lead to a touching romance and a great film of the highest artistic merit. Good. Just the sort of validation my life needed...
3 & 1/2.) Hero:
The most beautiful LOOKING movie of the year, and maybe ever. I honestly can't think of anything that's ever been more visually stunning. Yet due to the ridiculously archaic Academy rules regarding foreign films, it likely won't be able to be up for any Oscars of any kind. The other cinematographers of the world must be thrilled by that fact. Because the look of this film would not have been overlooked by voters. There would be no way. It's burned permanently into their brains. Thinking back, I couldn't tell you exactly what happened in this movie, but I could tell you exactly how whatever was happening looked. American filmmakers: watch and learn. As with many things, the Asians can teach you a thing or ten.
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums of the Year
1.) Green Day- American Idiot:
Remember when "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" was your senior class song and you thought "how the heck is this song by Green Day? Didn't they once release a video that consisted of them ripping the stuffing out of sofa cushions?" Well every song on this album makes "Good Riddance" seem like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in terms of quality and artistic merit. Sometimes my brain hurts it's so good. Its one of those albums where I'll always remember the first time I heard it. Greg Fusco put it on in the dressing room during Arcadia and we were all somewhat half listening, but more trying on tights and insulting each other in British accents. (And who said theater majors weren't cool?) Slowly it started capturing my attention until I stopped what I was doing and just sat there and listened. Every night after that I couldn't wait to get backstage and listen. During Game 3 of the Red Sox-Yankees series I even wanted to turn off the game to listen to the album. Music that makes we want to turn off baseball: That should say all you need to know. Two nine minute long multi-part "punk" songs. Blatant anti-Bush messages. Some semblance of a story and thru-line throughout the album. It's genius. It's gotten a lot of comparisons to the rock operas of The Who, but I think that slights Green Day somewhat. I mean a story about deaf, dumb and blind kid who plays a mean pinball vs. a story about the nature of our society. Hmm, it's a toss up...
In the end it's hard to believe that the album that best defines 2004 was written by a band that is most famous for an album called "Dookie". Then again maybe not...Regardless, even the Grammy voters agree: it's a classic album. And maybe the only one from 2004 that my grandkids will still be listening to.
2.) Brian Wilson- "SMiLE":
If I said, "hey check out this new album by the former lead singer of the Beach Boys that includes an ode to vegetables on it", you'd probably throw it in the trash. But if I said, "hey this is what Radiohead would have sounded like if they had been around in the 60's and were the chief artistic rival of Paul McCartney", then you would be interested. Well, guess what? I would be talking about the same album! Crazy, I know. If you don't believe me, then take it from my good friend Mr. Will Lacker who when discussing SMiLE said, (and I'm heavily paraphrasing) "That is some weird shit!" Okay settle down now and let me finish...For those that don't know the story, this was supposed to be the follow up to "Pet Sounds" 37 years ago but the other Beach Boys thought it was too weird, then the Beatles beat them to the punch with "Sgt. Pepper", then Brian Wilson went insane. He then had to spend the next few years in the looney bin, as they called it back then. (That and "the cuckoos nest" apparently.) Well now he's out and roaming the streets and finally releasing his "teenage symphony to God" 37 years later. When they say they don't make 'em like they used to, listen to this album and you'll see that "they" are right. You could never release a "teenage symphony to God" today. Or a love song about vegetables for that matter. The only teenage symphonies these days are "teenage symphonies to crap". (Damn, I'm clever...). SMiLE, despite its capitalization problems, was the best-reviewed album of the year, but still, it's a shame it couldn't have been released 37 years ago. Then it would now be a classic instead of a little heard oddity. At the time it would have seemed ahead of its time, and in retrospect I don't know if its time has, or will, ever come. It's an album that doesn't really have one great or memorable stand-alone song on it, but absolutely must be taken as a whole. But as a "whole album as artistic statement" it might be the best there is. And not to say it's better than "Sergeant Pepper", but it is a better "concept album", since, lets face it, Sgt. Pepper really has no concept. And it even has "Good Vibrations" to serve as its "Day in the Life"- a classic single that has nothing to do with the rest of the album yet closes it off perfectly. And it also contains songs about Plymouth Rock and, I can't possibly stress this strongly enough, a LOVE SONG ABOUT VEGTABLES! I'd like to hear someone today try and pull that off. But since I doubt anyone can I'm going to have to give Brian Wilson his props. The second best album of 1967 is now the second best album of 2004.
3.) Modest Mouse- Good News for People Who Love Bad News:
There are certain works of music that whenever you hear them they instantly take you back to a specific place and time. Like "Gangstas Paradise" by Coolio. Or "C is for Cookie" by Cookie Monster. Well this whole album will always undoubtedly remind me of this summer. And that's good news. And now that I actually own it myself I can relive summer whenever I want. As a side note: I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I can hear "Ocean Breathes Salty" now at a Hallmark store or not, but it certainly does give me some kind of hope for the future. Then I remember that the biggest hit of the year was by Usher and some guy named Lil' John who likes to carry around an oversized gold chalice out of which he drinks "Crunk Juice". And then I go sit in the corner and cry.
3 & 1/2.) Kanye West- College Dropout:
When I bought this album the girl checking me out at Best Buy started excitedly telling me how great and hilarious the skits on the album were. I was shocked. A cashier in New York City was actually talking to me. Even more shockingly, someone was actually excited about having a conversation with me. (She must not have known about the journal...) But the most shocking thing of all was that she was right. Not only did I not skip right past the skits, I actually listened to them multiple times! In fact once I even skipped past a song to hear a skit! And then of course the earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. But its true, Kanye is the best thing to happen to rap skits since The Mad Rapper. Even more importantly than that, he's the best thing to happen to rap since at least mid-2003. I was going to put this album in this spot before I even heard it just based on "Jesus Walks" and "All Falls Down", but now that I've actually heard the album I can confidentially say it's the best non-Outkast or Eminem rap album of the millennium. All four years of it. Kanye is just that good. Not only did he pen the immortal line "The way Kathy Lee needed Regis/That's the way I need Jesus" but he also made me enjoy listening to a Brandy song. That's right; Brandy. Freaking MOESHA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
(I actually have no idea what that saying means but it just sounds cool.)
(Word.)
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Things to Happen to Marymount This Year
1.) Thefacebook.com:
Friendster is the devil. I will never join MySpace. Yet, I am addicted to facebook. It is the best thing that has ever happened to Marymount. Now I could take up a whole journal entry to explain the reasoning behind this, as well as to expound on many other thoughts about facebook, and if you're not careful I just might, but for the time being I will just share a few brief thoughts on the matter. Now I know I'm a little late in commenting on the facebook phenomenon. I know its like so last month's news. But it was either this or my analysis of "The Macarena" so be grateful. By now we all know the basic reasons why facebook is great. It is like having a yearbook, so we now know who people are. It makes us feel popular. We can start out own club without actually having to get a faculty sponsor. But why I like facebook and not any of those other online community things comes down to one simple fact: The Friendsters of the world are designed to get you to meet new people, whereas facebook is designed to get you to meet people you already know. No crazy stalkers. No people from high school tracking you down and finding out what you are up to unless you want them to. Plus when my mom said, "don't talk to strangers" I really took it to heart. I don't like new people. And I don't like old people either. I just like you. Now be my friend damn it.
2.) The homemade potato chips in the 4th and Main Cafe:
If someone told me they killed a man I would think they were a bad person. If they told me they killed that man because he tried to steal one of their homemade chips, I would not think they were a bad person anymore. I would understand. That sandwich dude may mumble incoherently, but as long as he hooks a brother up with some chips its all good and his life is secure. After all, the sandwich is only a mere appetizer you have to put up with to get to the chips. But once you get to them, all is right with the world.
3.) The Vanderbilt:
All the fun of 55th Street (what fun?) with twice the drinking (for those who are over 21 only of course). And four times the crazy foreign people yelling at you in the hallway. It's just like my childhood really. Plus, the only thing better than having a roommate is not having a roommate.
3 & 1/2.) The 8th Floor Space:
Well see it's this big open space where we used to have a pool. What's it used for you ask? Well nothing really. We just throw a bunch up beat up old crap in there and let the kids have fun. Plus now we have a scary face on one wall. And the other walls have paint from 1963. But other than that its just filled with a bunch of worthless crap. A big ugly room filled with worthless crap. Its ideas like this that make me proud to go to Marymount and make giving tours so much fun.
Top 3 & 1/2 Other 2004 Highlights Id Like to Mention But Don't Really Fit in a Category:
1.) America the Book- Jon Stewart and Company:
Like Ellen and Jerry Seinfeld it makes you laugh because it's so true. But instead of being about "nothing" its about politics, history and the nature of our society. So the edge, as always, goes to Jon Stewart. Seriously this man is God. He makes comedy that's as important as it is funny. A trick that has NEVER before been pulled off. But here is a comedian who can literally change the world. And I have proof to back that up: I saw the other day that Carlton Tucker was dismissed from CNN and that Crossfire is being taken off the air. That means that Jon Stewart is so cool, so respected and so powerful that with one single television appearance he single handedly got the biggest cable network in the world to cancel its signature show of the past 20 years and dismiss one of its most well known figures. Normally when you call someone a "dick" on live TV people criticize you. In Jon Stewart's case you get the head of the network you are criticizing to issue a statement that says, "I come down on the side of Mr. Stewart". Seriously, his Crossfire appearance was one of the best moments in TV history. And think: who else could pull a stunt off like that and not only come out unscathed but looking like a hero to literally everyone? If I've said it once I've said it five times. Jon Stewart is God. We're just lucky he lets us share this planet with him.
2.) Seth Cohen- the O.C.:
If I ruled the world, I'd free all my sons. And the character Seth Cohen would be considered the very definition of cool. Imagine that. And oh yeah...I don't actually watch the O.C. Someone just told me about it one time. Someone who was clearly a loser and needed to get a life.
3.) "Lean Back" by The Terror Squad:
First of all, I'd like to mention your name. It's "The Terror Squad". That is the name of your group. Just thought I should put that out there...Second of all: lemme get this straight, this dance consists entirely of leaning back? There are no other moves? That's the whole dance? You may have written one of the most annoying songs ever, but you have given me new hope! I might one day even enter a club. Although for your next song might I suggest "Stand There"? That would work even better for me.
3 & 1/2.) The Guinness TV commercials:
"Brilliant!"
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week- Thoughts I've Had Recently Edition
1.) "My junior high fashion sense was inspired by gang members" is a sentence that really applies to far too many of us
2.) Is two turntables and a microphone really where its at?
3.) Maybe Bono was right all along. He really is the messiah.
3 & 1/2.) "This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, to tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know"*
*Note: I didn't actually have this thought. Usher did. But same difference
Top 3 & 1/2 Movies of the Year
1.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
I'll try not to say too much about any of these movies because with all the awards show stuff coming up I'll have plenty of other times to go into more detailed opnions about the movies mentioned here. But for the time being I will say a few brief things: The only thing better than Charlie Kaufman is Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Charlie Kaufman with heart is Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart is nothing. I really don't need to sell you on this point because it was your favorite movie of the year too. Moving on...
2.) Before Sunset:
Before Sunset on the other hand, you probably never saw. All I can say is go rent it NOW. Actually now is too late. Build a time machine and go back and time and rent it yesterday. Because any day spent without having seen this movie is a day that life is less fulfilling than it should be. Like most great movies, Before Sunset presents an idealized, fantasy version of life, yet one that is at the same time so real that you feel like you are watching real life on screen. And not just any life, but a life you know. Or a life you want to know. And not in a Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks way but in a way that is utterly real. This movie is why we go to movies. And how many movies could inspire that statement using only two people talking and walking around Paris for close to an hour and a half and nothing else? Only one. Before Sunset. It's the movie few people would have the balls to make. There is no real plot, nothing really happens and it ends with, well maybe the greatest ending to any movie ever, but yet one that wraps nothing up. Yet who needs any of that stuff when you have dialogue, characters, and a relationship this good? The most physically intimate the two characters ever get is a long hug but yet it's the most sexual, passionate, and unabashedly romantic non-Cameron Crowe movie I've seen in, maybe forever. And it does it all with words and with an innate connection between people. This is what love and life are all about. I could talk about it forever but just go see it already. It maybe the ultimate movie-as-life-as-movie and it is for sure THE romance for our times. You'll laugh, you'll think, you'll dream, you'll consider crying (pansy), and before you know it you'll have memorized every line. I just want to yell it from the rooftops: GO RENT THIS FUCKING MOVIE!
3.) Sideways:
I think the wine industry and Alexander Payne are in cahoots. I also think I just actually used the word "cahoots". Regardless, in 20 years from now as I lie in the gutter clutching my last bottle of Pinot Noir wondering what happened to my life I'll have this movie to blame. Apparently wanting to be in a constant state of drunkenness can lead to a touching romance and a great film of the highest artistic merit. Good. Just the sort of validation my life needed...
3 & 1/2.) Hero:
The most beautiful LOOKING movie of the year, and maybe ever. I honestly can't think of anything that's ever been more visually stunning. Yet due to the ridiculously archaic Academy rules regarding foreign films, it likely won't be able to be up for any Oscars of any kind. The other cinematographers of the world must be thrilled by that fact. Because the look of this film would not have been overlooked by voters. There would be no way. It's burned permanently into their brains. Thinking back, I couldn't tell you exactly what happened in this movie, but I could tell you exactly how whatever was happening looked. American filmmakers: watch and learn. As with many things, the Asians can teach you a thing or ten.
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums of the Year
1.) Green Day- American Idiot:
Remember when "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" was your senior class song and you thought "how the heck is this song by Green Day? Didn't they once release a video that consisted of them ripping the stuffing out of sofa cushions?" Well every song on this album makes "Good Riddance" seem like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in terms of quality and artistic merit. Sometimes my brain hurts it's so good. Its one of those albums where I'll always remember the first time I heard it. Greg Fusco put it on in the dressing room during Arcadia and we were all somewhat half listening, but more trying on tights and insulting each other in British accents. (And who said theater majors weren't cool?) Slowly it started capturing my attention until I stopped what I was doing and just sat there and listened. Every night after that I couldn't wait to get backstage and listen. During Game 3 of the Red Sox-Yankees series I even wanted to turn off the game to listen to the album. Music that makes we want to turn off baseball: That should say all you need to know. Two nine minute long multi-part "punk" songs. Blatant anti-Bush messages. Some semblance of a story and thru-line throughout the album. It's genius. It's gotten a lot of comparisons to the rock operas of The Who, but I think that slights Green Day somewhat. I mean a story about deaf, dumb and blind kid who plays a mean pinball vs. a story about the nature of our society. Hmm, it's a toss up...
In the end it's hard to believe that the album that best defines 2004 was written by a band that is most famous for an album called "Dookie". Then again maybe not...Regardless, even the Grammy voters agree: it's a classic album. And maybe the only one from 2004 that my grandkids will still be listening to.
2.) Brian Wilson- "SMiLE":
If I said, "hey check out this new album by the former lead singer of the Beach Boys that includes an ode to vegetables on it", you'd probably throw it in the trash. But if I said, "hey this is what Radiohead would have sounded like if they had been around in the 60's and were the chief artistic rival of Paul McCartney", then you would be interested. Well, guess what? I would be talking about the same album! Crazy, I know. If you don't believe me, then take it from my good friend Mr. Will Lacker who when discussing SMiLE said, (and I'm heavily paraphrasing) "That is some weird shit!" Okay settle down now and let me finish...For those that don't know the story, this was supposed to be the follow up to "Pet Sounds" 37 years ago but the other Beach Boys thought it was too weird, then the Beatles beat them to the punch with "Sgt. Pepper", then Brian Wilson went insane. He then had to spend the next few years in the looney bin, as they called it back then. (That and "the cuckoos nest" apparently.) Well now he's out and roaming the streets and finally releasing his "teenage symphony to God" 37 years later. When they say they don't make 'em like they used to, listen to this album and you'll see that "they" are right. You could never release a "teenage symphony to God" today. Or a love song about vegetables for that matter. The only teenage symphonies these days are "teenage symphonies to crap". (Damn, I'm clever...). SMiLE, despite its capitalization problems, was the best-reviewed album of the year, but still, it's a shame it couldn't have been released 37 years ago. Then it would now be a classic instead of a little heard oddity. At the time it would have seemed ahead of its time, and in retrospect I don't know if its time has, or will, ever come. It's an album that doesn't really have one great or memorable stand-alone song on it, but absolutely must be taken as a whole. But as a "whole album as artistic statement" it might be the best there is. And not to say it's better than "Sergeant Pepper", but it is a better "concept album", since, lets face it, Sgt. Pepper really has no concept. And it even has "Good Vibrations" to serve as its "Day in the Life"- a classic single that has nothing to do with the rest of the album yet closes it off perfectly. And it also contains songs about Plymouth Rock and, I can't possibly stress this strongly enough, a LOVE SONG ABOUT VEGTABLES! I'd like to hear someone today try and pull that off. But since I doubt anyone can I'm going to have to give Brian Wilson his props. The second best album of 1967 is now the second best album of 2004.
3.) Modest Mouse- Good News for People Who Love Bad News:
There are certain works of music that whenever you hear them they instantly take you back to a specific place and time. Like "Gangstas Paradise" by Coolio. Or "C is for Cookie" by Cookie Monster. Well this whole album will always undoubtedly remind me of this summer. And that's good news. And now that I actually own it myself I can relive summer whenever I want. As a side note: I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I can hear "Ocean Breathes Salty" now at a Hallmark store or not, but it certainly does give me some kind of hope for the future. Then I remember that the biggest hit of the year was by Usher and some guy named Lil' John who likes to carry around an oversized gold chalice out of which he drinks "Crunk Juice". And then I go sit in the corner and cry.
3 & 1/2.) Kanye West- College Dropout:
When I bought this album the girl checking me out at Best Buy started excitedly telling me how great and hilarious the skits on the album were. I was shocked. A cashier in New York City was actually talking to me. Even more shockingly, someone was actually excited about having a conversation with me. (She must not have known about the journal...) But the most shocking thing of all was that she was right. Not only did I not skip right past the skits, I actually listened to them multiple times! In fact once I even skipped past a song to hear a skit! And then of course the earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. But its true, Kanye is the best thing to happen to rap skits since The Mad Rapper. Even more importantly than that, he's the best thing to happen to rap since at least mid-2003. I was going to put this album in this spot before I even heard it just based on "Jesus Walks" and "All Falls Down", but now that I've actually heard the album I can confidentially say it's the best non-Outkast or Eminem rap album of the millennium. All four years of it. Kanye is just that good. Not only did he pen the immortal line "The way Kathy Lee needed Regis/That's the way I need Jesus" but he also made me enjoy listening to a Brandy song. That's right; Brandy. Freaking MOESHA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
(I actually have no idea what that saying means but it just sounds cool.)
(Word.)
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Things to Happen to Marymount This Year
1.) Thefacebook.com:
Friendster is the devil. I will never join MySpace. Yet, I am addicted to facebook. It is the best thing that has ever happened to Marymount. Now I could take up a whole journal entry to explain the reasoning behind this, as well as to expound on many other thoughts about facebook, and if you're not careful I just might, but for the time being I will just share a few brief thoughts on the matter. Now I know I'm a little late in commenting on the facebook phenomenon. I know its like so last month's news. But it was either this or my analysis of "The Macarena" so be grateful. By now we all know the basic reasons why facebook is great. It is like having a yearbook, so we now know who people are. It makes us feel popular. We can start out own club without actually having to get a faculty sponsor. But why I like facebook and not any of those other online community things comes down to one simple fact: The Friendsters of the world are designed to get you to meet new people, whereas facebook is designed to get you to meet people you already know. No crazy stalkers. No people from high school tracking you down and finding out what you are up to unless you want them to. Plus when my mom said, "don't talk to strangers" I really took it to heart. I don't like new people. And I don't like old people either. I just like you. Now be my friend damn it.
2.) The homemade potato chips in the 4th and Main Cafe:
If someone told me they killed a man I would think they were a bad person. If they told me they killed that man because he tried to steal one of their homemade chips, I would not think they were a bad person anymore. I would understand. That sandwich dude may mumble incoherently, but as long as he hooks a brother up with some chips its all good and his life is secure. After all, the sandwich is only a mere appetizer you have to put up with to get to the chips. But once you get to them, all is right with the world.
3.) The Vanderbilt:
All the fun of 55th Street (what fun?) with twice the drinking (for those who are over 21 only of course). And four times the crazy foreign people yelling at you in the hallway. It's just like my childhood really. Plus, the only thing better than having a roommate is not having a roommate.
3 & 1/2.) The 8th Floor Space:
Well see it's this big open space where we used to have a pool. What's it used for you ask? Well nothing really. We just throw a bunch up beat up old crap in there and let the kids have fun. Plus now we have a scary face on one wall. And the other walls have paint from 1963. But other than that its just filled with a bunch of worthless crap. A big ugly room filled with worthless crap. Its ideas like this that make me proud to go to Marymount and make giving tours so much fun.
Top 3 & 1/2 Other 2004 Highlights Id Like to Mention But Don't Really Fit in a Category:
1.) America the Book- Jon Stewart and Company:
Like Ellen and Jerry Seinfeld it makes you laugh because it's so true. But instead of being about "nothing" its about politics, history and the nature of our society. So the edge, as always, goes to Jon Stewart. Seriously this man is God. He makes comedy that's as important as it is funny. A trick that has NEVER before been pulled off. But here is a comedian who can literally change the world. And I have proof to back that up: I saw the other day that Carlton Tucker was dismissed from CNN and that Crossfire is being taken off the air. That means that Jon Stewart is so cool, so respected and so powerful that with one single television appearance he single handedly got the biggest cable network in the world to cancel its signature show of the past 20 years and dismiss one of its most well known figures. Normally when you call someone a "dick" on live TV people criticize you. In Jon Stewart's case you get the head of the network you are criticizing to issue a statement that says, "I come down on the side of Mr. Stewart". Seriously, his Crossfire appearance was one of the best moments in TV history. And think: who else could pull a stunt off like that and not only come out unscathed but looking like a hero to literally everyone? If I've said it once I've said it five times. Jon Stewart is God. We're just lucky he lets us share this planet with him.
2.) Seth Cohen- the O.C.:
If I ruled the world, I'd free all my sons. And the character Seth Cohen would be considered the very definition of cool. Imagine that. And oh yeah...I don't actually watch the O.C. Someone just told me about it one time. Someone who was clearly a loser and needed to get a life.
3.) "Lean Back" by The Terror Squad:
First of all, I'd like to mention your name. It's "The Terror Squad". That is the name of your group. Just thought I should put that out there...Second of all: lemme get this straight, this dance consists entirely of leaning back? There are no other moves? That's the whole dance? You may have written one of the most annoying songs ever, but you have given me new hope! I might one day even enter a club. Although for your next song might I suggest "Stand There"? That would work even better for me.
3 & 1/2.) The Guinness TV commercials:
"Brilliant!"
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week- Thoughts I've Had Recently Edition
1.) "My junior high fashion sense was inspired by gang members" is a sentence that really applies to far too many of us
2.) Is two turntables and a microphone really where its at?
3.) Maybe Bono was right all along. He really is the messiah.
3 & 1/2.) "This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, to tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know"*
*Note: I didn't actually have this thought. Usher did. But same difference
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