"If you fancy yourself a follower of popular music, you're probably aware that the 55th-annual Grammy Awards take place on Sunday. Or you may have already stopped reading after "Gra-." For a few years now, I've been telling anyone that'll let me get to "-mmy" that this is our most underrated awards show — the telecast's ratio of performances (there are, like, 100 of them in three hours) to award presentations (maybe eight at the most) makes it relatively breezy viewing by the tedious standards of our annual celebrity prom nights. The Grammys are watchable because — unlike the Oscars, which handle their statues with a reverent solemnity more appropriate for the recently resurrected or a puppy rigged with plastic explosives — the awards don't get in the way."
-Steven Hyden
Thank you Steven Hyden for writing one of the best and most accurate things ever written about The Grammys. And thanks for holding it down for Team Grammy with me. There arent a ton of us out there. Which doesnt make a lot of sense since it's the most entertaining awards show by far, and every year there are at least one or two performances that knock you on your ass. This year seemed especially promising because for the first time in my lifetime there were no embarrassing nominees in any of the four major categories. And the Album of the Year category contained five worthy, current, non-ridiculous nominees for the first time maybe ever. Maybe for once the awards themselves could actually approach the quality of the awards show. It looked to be a banner year for my beloved Grammys. Things didnt exactly turn out as hoped. Turns out that without the suspense of the Grammys possibly doing something ridiculous and infuratating, the awards themselves felt even more meaningless than usual. And it was a pretty down year for performances too. I never thought I'd say this about the Grammys, but they almost skewed too young. The random mixture of big names from music's past and hip younger acts is part of what makes the Grammys great. I can see Maroon 5 perform with Alicia Keys on any awards show (not that I'd want to). But still, an average Grammys is better than the best of just about any other awards show. But I dont need to tell you all this. Because if you've made it this far you then that means that you too watched and enjoyed this years Grammys (or else you're hoping this will soon turn into the article about grandparents that you were hoping for, which, in a way, it already has). So let me hit you with some quick random thoughts on the show before breaking down each performance and the four major awards. It's like a live blog, only after the fact and pointless.
LOOSE THOUGHTS
*Things I exclaimed out loud during the Grammys:
-Lena Dunham!
(speaking of which, where was Carey Mulligan?)
-Solange!
(why did they make her sit next to Jay-Z instead of her sister though?)
-Prince!
(there’s nothing in life Prince doesn’t make better)
-“Forrest Gump”!
-Why am I yelling about the Grammys!
*John Mayer, I have seen Nate Ruess’ hair. Nate Ruess’ hair was a friend of mine. And your hair, sir, is no Nate Ruess’ hair.
*The fact that the Grammys didn’t have a performance of “Call Me Maybe” this year - worse than the Holocaust, or not quite as bad? Discuss.
*“We’ve gone 5 whole minutes without cutting to Taylor Swift! You’re all fired!” – Grammy producer
(I love Taylor, but can we officially make Jay-Z the Jack Nicholson of the Grammys instead? He’s so close to being there already.)
*“Oh, what’s this? Another Grammy Award then? Okay, that’s cool I guess” - Adele
*Based solely on his outfit I want to be best friends with The-Dream. Which raises a question that’s always bothered me: why can’t people at the Oscars dress like the people do at the Grammys? It would be so much more fun. (The condition, not the band)
*My all-time favorite awards show moment is now Miguel
finishing singing "Adorn" with Wiz Khalifa and then immediately saying “and now
the nominees for Best Country Solo Performance”
*Congrats to Katy Perry’s dress for understanding Katy
Perry
*Good job Black Keys accepting your award in the most Black Keys way possible. See kids, that’s how you don’t give a shit. Way too much giving of shits here at this music industry awards show.
THE PERFORMANCES
Taylor Swift
Quiz: Which will happen first: a Grammys without a Taylor
Swift performance or a Grammys without a Bruno Mars performance?Answer: Trick question. Neither. We’ll all be dead first.
Elton John and Ed Sheeran
It’s Elton John and his son!
Also, this is literally the exact opposite of the time
Elton John performed on the Grammys with Eminem
Fun.
Well that will be a YouTube clip I will watch forever. Fun. continues
to be everything I want out of music ever. And their performance brings up a good question: why aren’t
there more performances done in rain? I can’t remember a prominent one since
Kelly Clarkson did "Since U Been Gone" in the rain at the VMAs like 10 years ago. Has
anyone ever said “I hated watching that person perform in the rain”? I doubt
it. Rain makes anything instantly more dramatic. And clearly I’ve been living
in Los Angeles too long if I’m this excited by rain.
By the way, instead of having the Grammys can we just have
fun. concert instead?
Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently
Token Country Music Performance aka Official Grammy
Bathroom Break
BTW, pretty sure Miranda Lambert just rhymed “February”
with “scary”. And she’s the critically
acclaimed member of the genre.
Also, ever noticed how all country music stars are either attractive blond women or scruffy yet sensitive dark-haired guys? It’s almost like the entire genre is a completely manufactured enterprise based around propagating a very narrow and regressive vision of an America that doesn’t actually exist…
Miguel and Wiz Kalifa
Help! I just watched Miguel sing "Adorn" and now I’m pregnant.
And what’s the world record for verses Wiz Khalifa hasn’t
referenced weed in? Zero?
Rihanna and some dude
I would talk about Rihanna’s performance, but
Rihanna is seriously just trolling all of us at this point with the Chris Brown
thing and we have the power to stop it by simply not giving her any more attention.
If we ignore her then this Chris Brown thing will end, I promise. So come on, let’s
stop writing about her, talking about her, and listening to her music. Pay her no
mind people! We have the power to make a difference. So let’s do it! Oh shit…I
just heard “We Found Love” again…damn it…okay, never mind then….
JT
Way to throw us off the scent Grammy producers by cutting
to Jay-Z still in his seat right as JT was about to perform “Suit and Tie”.
Although to be fair, Jay-Z’s verse in that song should really just be replaced
with the sound of a check being cashed.
Anyway, it’s great having JT back. We’re all thrilled.
And even if his album is disappointing (spoiler alert: it will be) there’s no
way that having him back doesn't make the world a better place. That being said,
his performance would have been 100% better if it had been a complete surprise. As
it was, it was cool. But imagine if you’d been watching the Grammys and suddenly out of nowhere
Justin Timberlake took the stage with new music. It would have broken
the internet. It would have ended civilization as we knew it. So, you know,
kind of a missed opportunity...
Mumford and Sons
Needed more Bob Dylan
Alicia Keys and Maroon 5
Sad to see that Alicia Keys drew the short straw and had
to perform with Maroon 5 this year. Chris Brown was totally available for that
one you guys.
Kelly Clarkson
A little piece of me died when Kelly Clarkson revealed
she doesn’t know who Miguel is. But on the other hand, holy shit Kelly
Clarkson can sing stuff good.
The Black Keys (and others)
I’m staring at a Black Keys poster as I write this, but I
gotta say, I thought that performance was kind of a mess. Good idea, but didn’t really
work. B+ for effort though!
Bob Marley tribute
It’s the Grammys! Time for my annual five minutes of
being a huge Bruno Mars fan!
Bruno Mars at the Grammys always reminds me of Marty McFly performing that Chuck Berry song at the Under the Sea Dance, only in reverse. Pretty
bold of him though to get Sting to play on “Locked Out Of Heaven”. Does this mean that
The Police are finally officially getting royalties for that song now?
Anyway, I don’t really “get” Bob Marley, but I thoroughly
enjoyed that tribute. Probably because the artists involved chose to pay
tribute to Bob Marley by playing their own non-Bob Marley songs.
The Lumineers
“I wonder what song The Lumineers are going to perform?”
– no one, ever
Jack White
Whoever said rock and roll was dead should have really told Jack
White.
Carrie Underwood
Ugh, two
country music performances? But I already peed!
Nice color-change dress though Carrie Underwood. You’re
now officially Country Music Barbie.
Neil Portnow
Neil Portnow bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I was Neil Portnow the first thing I would do is,
obviously, have sex with all the hot bitches in the world. Then the second
thing I would do is make it a law punishable by death that Kayne has to attend
every Grammy Awards whether he’s nominated or not. And third, I would shoot
lasers out of my eyes.
It makes me sad that I’ll outlive Neil Portnow and have
to one day watch Neil Portnow-less Grammys, until I remember that Neil Portnow is
probably immortal. Please be immortal Neil Portnow. (Of course, he’ll always be
immortal in my heart)
Levon Helm tribute
Anyone who has ever shit on the Grammys needs to watch
that Levon Helm tribute. Your arguments are now invalid.
Frank Ocean
I really don’t know what to think about this performance.
On the one hand I loved the visual presentation (someone has clearly been hanging out
with Kanye) and thought it was super bally to do an album cut like that and to do
it so stripped down. And the song “Forrest Gump” is definitely my favorite thing
named Forrest Gump. But on the other hand, I wanted something more from it. I
kept waiting for the performance to really take off and it never did. So I
think I’m disappointed, but also, I think Frank Ocean did a good job. The Grammys
are confusing
On a related note, one thing they should really warn you
about when you decide to be a theater major in college is that one day you’re
going to be stuck with a facebook feed
full of people arguing over whether or not Frank Ocean was singing in the right
key. (Answer: no one gives a shit)
LL Cool J and friends
The most Grammys thing the Grammys have ever done is to
think that people still care about LL Cool J. Great job with the insultingly cursory
tribute to Adam Yauch though!Seriously though, Chuck D just rolled over in his grave during that Chuck D performance. And 1986 just killed itself.
THE BIG 4 AWARDS
Best New Artist
I love fun. more than I love most members of my extended family.
But I worry that in 10 years the Grammys are gonna look really dumb for not
going with Frank Ocean. Of course that’s assuming that in 10 years we’ll be living
in a hypothetical world where people give a shit about the Grammys.
Record of the Year
“Thank you to everyone who makes music or who listens to music”
– GotyeSo fuck you Amish!
Really though, was it necessary to go through the whole
formality of giving “Someone I Used To Know” this award? Couldn’t they have
just mailed the award to Gotye months ago and saved us all the trouble?
Song of the Year
If Alanis Morisette is looking for things to reference in
the sequel to “Ironic” she could probably start with the Grammys giving a
Grammy to a song called “We Are Young”.
And while we’re here, can we finally stop the with pretense that
Janelle Monae is “featured” on “We Are Young”. If Janelle Monae gets to be credited
on that song then so do I. So do we all. Tell you what, Janelle Monae, you can
have a credit on that song when you invest in a second outfit, because I’m
pretty sure you only own one.
(Love you Janelle! I’ll have your babies!)
Album of the Year
Incredibly there were no wrong answers this year. This was arguably
one of the less-right answers, but you can’t really argue with one of the
biggest selling albums of the year from one of the most popular bands in the
world winning music’s biggest prize. You can’t make fun of the Grammys for
being out of touch and then criticize them for giving Album of the Year to
Mumford and Sons. Which means for three straight years now The Grammys have gotten it right-ish. If nothing else, the Album of the Year winners have made sense. But lest you think the Grammys are starting to become more
logical and "with it", let me leave you with this tidbit: Mumford and Sons won Album
of the Year, but they lost Best Americana Album to Bonnie Raitt. Say it with me now: OH, GRAMMYS!
Until next year....
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