The Uber Oscars

Every year the Oscars hand out an award for Best Actor. But since they also hand out awards for Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress they still leave the most fundamental question unsettled: who gave the year’s best acting performance. 

Well (now that the dust has finally settled form this year’s crazy Oscars) I’m here to retroactively answer that question for every year dating back to 1990. Welcome to the Uber Oscars!

2016

Casey Affleck

Emma Stone

Mahershala Ali

Viola Davis

If Viola Davis had competed in Best Actress like she should have she would have won it easily. I’m starting the exercise with a gimme putt. 

2015

Leonardo DiCaprio

Brie Larson

Mark Rylance

Alicia Vikander

Time changes how art is perceived, and this feels too recent to really have a clear perspective on it. I would wager that 5-10 years from now Brie Larson’s work will be considered the best of the bunch, but Leo so thoroughly dominated last year’s award season and his win loomed so large in the popular consciousness I gotta give him the nod here for now.

2014

Eddie Redmayne

Julianne Moore

JK Simmons

Patricia Arquette

I remember being blown away by Julianne Moore in Still Alice, but the movie came out only three years ago and yet I barely remember a single thing about it. JK Simmons’ performance in Whiplash on the other hand was instantly iconic to everyone who saw it and will define his entire career. So, sorry Julianne, but you’re lagging every so slightly.

2013

Matthew McConaughey

Cate Blanchett

Jared Leto

Lupita Nyong’o

Screw your McConaisssance, this is Cate Blanchett all the way. Leo should have beaten McConaughey anyway, and then we could have had a real debate. Great year though overall.

2012

Daniel Day-Lewis

Jennifer Lawrence

Christoph Waltz

Anne Hathaway

Another great year. Anne Hathaway is now officially underrated and Jennifer Lawrence is one of the most memorable winners of recent years. But one of my rules in life is that in an acting-related contest between anyone and Daniel Day-Lewis, the winner is always Daniel Day-Lewis.

2011

Jean Dujardin

Meryl Streep

Christopher Plummer

Octavia Spencer

Uh, well someone has to win, so using the Daniel Day-Lewis Rules, this one goes to Meryl Streep, I guess? Says a lot about the 2012 Oscars that one of the hardest trivia questions in the world is “who won Best Actor six years ago”

2010

Colin Firth

Natalie Portman

Christian Bale

Melissa Leo

At the time it was probably Christian Bale. Now it’s probably Natalie Portman. But it’s close.

2009

Jeff Bridges

Sandra Bullock

Christoph Waltz

Mo’Nique

I might be biased here, but I think Christoph Waltz in Inglorious Basterds is an all-timer. If you wanted to talk me into Mo’Nique though I’d be willing to listen.

2008

Sean Penn

Kate Winslet

Heath Ledger

Penelope Cruz

REALLY strong year. Any of the other three could have won most years. But Heath Ledger’s Joker is arguable the single best performance of the 2000s. It’s certainly the most iconic.

2007

Daniel Day-Lewis

Marion Cotillard

Javier Bardem

Tilda Swinton

If Heath Ledger’s Joker isn't the best acting performance of the 2000s then Daniel Day-Lewis’s Daniel Plainview IS. So, sorry Javier Bardem, but you're gonna have to settle for being the strongest Uber-Oscars runner-up of them all. And Tilda Swinton, any day now feel free to give Cate Blanchett the Oscar you stole from her.

2006

Forrest Whitaker

Helen Mirren

Alan Arkin

Jennifer Hudson

As much as I want to try and argue that it’s Jennifer Hudson, I think it’s pretty clearly actually Helen Mirren. 

While we’re here, 2006 Best Supporting Actor is on the shortlist for weakest Oscar acting category of all time.

2005

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Reese Witherspoon

George Clooney

Rachel Weisz

Fun fact: Even George Clooney can’t totally remember what movie he won an Oscar for. Anyway, this was the easiest call on the whole board. Not so fun fact: this was the Crash year.

2004

Jamie Foxx

Hillary Swank

Morgan Freeman

Cate Blanchett

Oh god…is it Jamie Foxx for Ray? It’s Jamie Foxx for Ray isn't it? UGH. I hate this game, why did I make it up?

2003

Sean Penn

Charlize Theron

Tim Robbins

Renee Zellwegger

Why does it feel like Charlize Theron’s performance in Monster doesn't get its proper due? It’s profoundly great work and should be talked about way more. Is this how think pieces get started?

2002

Adrien Brody

Nicole Kidman

Chris Cooper

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Can I pick none of the above?

2001

Denzel Washington

Hallie Berry

Jim Broadbent

Jennifer Connelly

If you want to really get me talking, ask me about how Art Carney’s 1972 win for Harry and Tonto led to Denzel beating Russell Crowe out for this Oscar. I’m fun at parties.

2000

Russell Crowe

Julia Roberts

Benicio del Toro

Marcia Gay Harden

If Kate Hudson hadn't been upset by Marcia Gay Harden I would have given this one to her. But you have to actually get the Oscar to be eligible for an Uber Oscar.

1999

Kevin Spacey

Hilary Swank

Michael Caine

Angelina Jolie

We have winner from the Supporting Actress category! Full disclosure: I’ve somehow actually never seen Boys Don't Cry. But Angelina Jolie is not only incredible in Girl Interrupted, it’s the performance that made her into a superstar. It’s impossible to overstate how famous Angelina Jolie was overnight in the wake of this Oscar win. That counts for something.

1998

Roberto Benigni

Gwyneth Paltrow

James Coburn

Judy Dench

I’m a big Shakespeare in Love fan and defender and even I refuse to give this to Gwyneth Paltrow. Also, the only thing that has aged worse than Roberto Benigni’s win is this poster: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/71st_Academy_Awards#/media/File:71st_Academy_Awards_poster.jpg

1997

Jack Nicholson

Helen Hunt

Robin Williams

Kim Basinger

Would you like for me to quote the entirety of Good Will Hunting for you? Because I can. Have I mentioned yet that I’m fun at parties?

1996

Geoffrey Rush

Francis McDormand

Cuba Gooding Jr

Juliette Binoche

This basically comes down to what you value more in a performance: craft or charisma. Although craft seems like the obvious answer, in this case Cuba Gooding Jr. basically invented an entirely new character archetype through sheer force of personality. So let’s call it a tie for now.

1995

Nicholas Cage

Susan Sarandon

Kevin Spacey

Mira Sorvino

Yes that’s right kids, Nicholas Cage not only has a Best Actor Oscar but he’s actually one of the most deserving Oscars winners of the 1990s. The 90s were a weird time man. 

Speaking of which, here are actors who won Oscars in 1996 for things other than acting: Mel Gibson, Emma Thompson and Christine Lahti. As I said, the 90s were weird.

1994

Tom Hanks

Jessica Lange

Martin Landau

Dianne Wiest

Here’s the thing, this should be Martin Landau. He's incredible in Ed Wood. It’s one of the best supporting actor performances of all time and definitely one of the best overall performances of the decade. 1994 Best Supporting Actor is one of the strongest categories of all time and he won it easily. But that said, no one is beating Tom Hanks for Forrest Gump. Is it great acting? I genuinely don’t know. But off the top of your head name 10 performances in the history of film that are definitely more iconic than Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump. I’m not saying I feel great about it, but for better or worse, right or wrong, this completely meaningless made-up award is his.

1993

Tom Hanks

Holly Hunter

Tommy Lee Jones

Anna Paquin

Holly Hunter winning acting awards is so 90s. And I hear your arguments for Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, but so much of the esteem for that performance came from “straight man plays gay and has bravery to depict AIDS”. Nothing against Tom Hanks and the great work he does, but you don’t brownie points for that in 2017. Plus, although people sleep on it now, The Piano is actually straight fire son.

1992

Al Pacino

Emma Thompson

Gene Hackman

Marissa Tomei

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to give this to Marissa Tomei. But I recognize that it actually belongs to Emma Thompson. However it definitely DOES NOT belong to Al Pacino. Scent of a Woman wasn't even his best Oscar nominated performance of 1992.

1991

Anthony Hopkins

Jodie Foster

Mercedes Ruehl

Jack Palance

Hey, remember a few seconds ago when I asked if you came name a more iconic acting perforce than Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump? Well here’s your answer. This probably the Uber Oscar winner of the whole decade.

On an unrelated note, I kinda miss the days when people like Jack Palance, Marissa Tomei, and Dianne Wiest could win Oscars for comedic roles. #MakeOscarsGreatAgain

1990

Jeremy Irons

Kathy Bates

Whoopi Goldberg

Joe Pesci

If Anthony Hopkins isn't the overall Uber Oscar winner for the 1990s then Joe Pesci is. In fact I extended this meaningless exercise all the way to 1990 just to include him. And now that I’ve reminded you of the greatness of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas we can finally draw this to a close. Congrats to all the fake winners on your fake awards!

Standing In A Field With Keri Russell; or The 200 People You Meet In Hell

Now let me say for the record here that I do generally enjoy background work. Sure the first few times you do it you spend a good deal of the time contemplating the various ways in which you would be able to kill yourself. And sure maybe there have been a few times where in order to stay awake you consumed so much caffeine that you literally feared that your heart might explode. But you do it enough times and you get used to it and accept it for what it is – easy money doing a job that’s far better than your real job.

But sometimes you forget that.

Because sometimes it’s four in the morning and you’re outside in the freezing cold and you lost feeling in your toes at least an hour ago. And strangely its not the first time you’ve found yourself in this exact situation. And you look around you. And you listen around you. And you wonder if “listen around you” is a phrase that even makes any sense. And you start to think that maybe genocide might not be such a bad thing after all. And you realize that if that statement sounds crazy or outrageous to someone then that means that they’ve clearly never done extra work before. See, there’s a famous headline from The Onion that reads “Ill Try Anything With a Detached Air of Superiority”. And I think that perfectly sums up my forays into the glamorous world of extra work. It’s a world where people who, if given a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in real life would probably throw it in the trash, literally stampede over each other with no regard for human life for the chance to spread off-brand peanut butter and something that slightly resembles jelly onto two-week-old Wonder Bread. It’s a world where the phrase “checking the gate” elicits screams of ecstasy the likes of which probably haven’t been heard anywhere else other than your Mom’s bedroom on the nights that I come over. It’s a world of immense glitz and glamour and one that demands of its participants many things. They must be able to be available at a moment’s notice to work a 12-hour day or a 12-hour night for very little money. They must be so desperate to be in the entertainment industry that they will agree to stand outside for six hours in horrific conditions with no break just so that they can be somewhere in the general proximity of a movie camera. They must have nothing better to do with their time than to serve as an insignificant human prop. And most importantly, they must have absolutely no life. As such, extra work draws a huge cross section of people to its siren song - from the pathetic, to the talentless, to the criminally insane. It brings together fecund cesspools of humanity the likes of which can’t be found anywhere else on Earth other than The Olive Garden. And there I am right in the middle of it all, clinging for dear life to what is the lowest rung of the showbiz ladder other than working for NBC. But I’m far from judging these people. Oh no, judging them was like so four hours ago. Now I’m on to classifying and categorizing them. Because while the locations and the projects change, the people stay the same. They are the people you meet in hell.

The First Timer: They’re bright and sunny. They’re happy to be there. Every little thing that happens is like a new adventure. Never before has filling out paperwork seemed like such a thrill. And eight hours from now you can pretty much guarantee that they will be lying on the ground in the fetal position weeping and thinking that even a slow painful death by asphyxiation would be preferable to this nightmare.

The Lifers: They’ve been doing this for AT LEAST ten years. They’re all in SAG but have never had more than five lines on any given project. They’re actors in the way that the guy that makes the sandwiches at your corner bodega is a chef. But yet they’re treated like deities by their fellow extras. They’re usually gathered together holding court for the newbies and regaling them with tales from the days of yore like that time Woody Allen let them be Police Man #1 on Hannah and Her Sisters. It would all be fascinating if it weren’t so very very sad.

The Guy Who Thinks He’s Hot Stuff: Perhaps in this context you may seem cool. But being the coolest background actor is a bit like being the coolest guy in a leper colony. Yes you may be the coolest guy in the colony, but you’re still a leper.

The Person Talking Out Loud to No One In Specific Because They Want You To Know How Funny They Are: Shut Up.

The Person Talking Out Loud to No One In Specific Because They Are Insane: Its like being on the subway except for you’re not getting off in three stops and you don’t have an iPod to drown it out.

The P.A. On A Power Trip: They’re my favorite and there’s always more than one of them. They’re the people who tell you what you’ve already been told by three other people but just in a much more forceful, confusing, and ridiculous way. Also, you know how you were standing in one place and then were told to move, only to be told later to return to exactly the same place? Well that was this person's doing. You should thank them on the way out. I find that the gift of a sense of self-worth is usually appropriate.

The Wide Eyed Clueless Newcomer: They are always inevitably talking to…
The Person Who Has No Idea What They Are Talking About: Usually can be identified by the fact that they have black and white headshots and are reading the print version of Backstage. They also have a B.A. from Bumblefuck U. and are inevitably appearing in Millennium Talent Group’s production of “Give Us Your Money”. And you can pretty much guarantee that “Happy Hour” is somewhere on their resume. And I’ve now officially lost 95% of my audience because they have no idea what I’m talking about. Great. Now my readership is now negative four people.

The Person Mugging For The Camera: “Hey look at me! I’m dancing on top of the car. I’m focusing on the action in the scene so hard that my eyebrows are moving more than Don Cheadle’s. I’m yelling so loud my voice is hoarse by the second take. I’m somehow standing right next to the star in every take. Wait, what do you mean ‘go back to holding’? Why is everyone else allowed to stay? And why are they all cheering?”

The Person Who Compares The Craft Service To The Craft Service Of Every Other Film They Have Been On: The craft service table has plain bagels? Well the craft service table on The Inside Man shoot had raisin bagels with lox and chives. You only get one kids sized Capri Sun to drink? Could be worse. On Love Monkey Tom Cavanaugh pissed in a cup and that was the only liquid available on set. They’re serving salmon and smoked turkey breast? Well on The Stepford Wives they had roasted duck with mango salsa. (And yes for the record that commercial has definitely run its course.)

The Person Who Came in From Far Away To Do This: If it took you more than an hour to get to the check-in place today you should just kill yourself right now. Trust me, it’s for the best.

The Person Who Complains About Everything: “Oh my God if I have to stand up for one more second I’m gonna fucking lose my mind. I can’t take this anymore. My body aint made to stand up for this long. What? I gotta sit down now?!? Aw, this is some BULLSHIT. I can’t believe this shit. Now I gotta sit down? Man this is fucking ridiculous. Next thing you know they’re gonna be saying all we gots to drink is Tom Cavanaugh’s piss in a cup.”

The Person Who Talks The Whole Time About How They Are Going To Leave: After every take they keep swearing that if they have to do that fucking scene one more time they are out of here. Which means you know for a fact that eight hours later they’ll still be there. Which is more than you can say for…
The Person Who Is Way Too Excited To Be There: “Oh my god Sally! Guess where I am? I am on the set of a MOVIE! I know, isn’t that crazy? There are like movie stars here and everything. Ohmygod, OHMYGOD, I think I see Robin Williams right over there!!! I’m gonna go tell him what I big fan I am. I know he’ll appreciate hearing that. As soon they yell cut I'll just scream out his name. Wont he just LOVE that?!? This is so exciting!!! Ill call you back later Sally and give you the whole scoop. Laters.”

The Person Who Is Sucking Up To The Casting People: “Hey Chuck! How’s it goin? How are Amy and little Samantha? How old is she now anyway? How has the shoot been going so far? Oh yea? That’s funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Chuck you’re the best. I’ll see you later. I want you inside me. Oh hey…from before…”

The Person Who Thinks This Is Somehow Helping Their Career: Its not.

The 40 Year Old Who Is Just Beginning Their Career: The list of guarantees in life is a short one. Death. Taxes. Having a daily encounter with the 6 train mariachi band. And most important among those is the fact that any person 40 years or older who is just beginning their acting career is a terrible actor. They are also usually bat shit insane.

The 40 Year Old Who Is In Denial About Their Age: Their hair is dyed. Those clothes are way too small for them. They keep checking their compact every ten seconds. They’re tan and it’s the middle of January. Yes that’s right it’s an attack of the MIWNLTFBSLLSSOSTC (Mom I Would Not Like To Fuck Because She Looks Like Some Sort Of Strange Troll Creature)

The 40 Year Old Virgin: A wildly overrated movie.

The Person Who Not So Subtly Wants To Tell You About Their Career: A slight variation on the “Person Who Not So Subtly Want To Tell You How Drunk They Were Last Night”. You remember that person from high school or freshman year of college right? Your conversations would always go something like this:
You: “Do you if it’s going to rain today?”
Them: “It was going to rain last night, when I was drunk”
Or
You: “What’s two plus two?”
Them: “How should I know? I got wasted last night.”
Well this person is just like that only far more annoying. I think its no exaggeration to say this encompasses about 80% of the people you’ll encounter while doing extra work. You listen to them drone on about their career and you just want to stop them and say, “You’re doing fucking extra work. Your career cant be going that well or you wouldn’t fucking be here. So shut the hell up.” And no, hearing a complete stranger talk about themselves to me for 20 minutes doesn’t make me the least bit hostile. And yes, actors are without a shadow of a doubt the most annoying people on the face of the earth. And no I don’t know why you’re friends with me either.

I’m sure I’m leaving people out but I think that provides a pretty decent list for whoever the next evil dictator is who wants to start an “ethnic cleansing” type program. That should give them a nice reference sheet for the types of people they need to round up. And if you ever do extra work in the future keep an eye out for these people, I promise you'll be there.


Also, while I’m here I think it’s worth noting that Keri Russell is a very, very tiny woman.

And I'm pretty sure I just accidentally touched her ass.